[Portraitofluv]

I have been married for 7yrs now, no kids and we live with my parents. We have gone through many ups and downs together and we are in our early thirties and still argue about the same things we did when we were first together... I was fat when my husband married me and I still am with an extra maybe 45 pounds. My weight was never an issue and lately it seems to be. He will call me fat and lazy, tell me I am not ambitious enough for him. Tell me I am the reason we don't get anywhere in life. He says he loves me, but how can he say those things if he truly loves me? If we are in an argument he throws his wedding band across the room and says he has had it, he needs to get out of this marriage. I tell him that if he is not happy he should just leave, but he never does. I feel like this is a never ending cycle but I just don't know what to to, it has been almost 10yrs of my life... I tell him he is being emotionally abusive and he says whatever, no you aren't. But when I am crying he says I am a cry baby and crying doesn't solve anything, blah blah blah. People, I need some real advice here, I cannot talk to my family about it because they will cast judgement. So, I figured I would try here... hope to hear from you all.. and thanks!

[zippit]

Lets try this

If your daughter came to you with the

Same issues what would you tell her?

[nymphetamine]

Would he agree to marriage counseling? I'm not saying his behavior is excusable but you said your weight wasn't an issue before and it is now which makes it seem like something else is going on with him that he is taking out on you.

[I wish]

He might love you, but there are parts of you he wish were different.

Think about it this way, even though you have these issues that bother him, he's still sticking by you.

Have you ever stopped and considered that this is called "tough love". All the things you've listed just sounds like he wants what's best for you. He can probably express himself differently, but the bottom line is, he wishes that you would be more ambitious.

However, look in the mirror and ask yourself if you're happy with your life and happy with the way you look. If you're happy the way you are, then he's just going to have to accept it. But if you can see some truth in what he says, then maybe it's time to focus on yourself.

[twinkiedooter]

Yes, you are being abused. Why haven't you and hubby moved into your own place? Or did you have your own place and somehow lose it to end up at your parent's home?

There is nothing wrong in temporarily living with relatives due to financial circumstances, but if the situation goes on for too long it can definitely cause worse than strife in a marriage- it will cause the termination of the marriage.

He says you are not ambitious enough for him. What does he do for a living that he can throw that in your face? Sounds like he does need some growing up to do.

If he keeps throwing his wedding ring around it definitely means that he is "done" with your marriage. He is being rather childish about this though. You two need to sit down and start doing some serious talking about just where your marriage is going or not going.

Picking on your weight is not a good sign either. He might be "shopping" around for a replacement. I don't know. This is just my gut reaction to your post.

[Portraitofluv]

We had our own place a couple times, but our business fell under, we lost everything and we are now living with my parents again, trying desparately to get out. I know he is stressed, he has been trying to finish school to become a pilot since I met him but there is no financial aid for that so we have had to pay as we are able which is taking forever. I flip flop between being content and hating my weight, but it is like it is a comfort thing as I have never been thin. We fight badly, we never talk things through just yell, I am at fault for that too. I know that once we are able to be in our own place it will be less stressful in that aspect. But we have been to 4 different counselors throughout our marriage and we still fight... when will it get better? Thank you everyone for your quick responses, it is greatly appreciated!

[Justwantfair]

You both have to make the effort to change to more effective communication.
Often when you are in a relationship, you develop certain habits, but they are most certainly breakable and you don't both have to be willing to change the line of communication.
You can start changing the way he communicates with you, all by yourself.
You need to get a handle on your feelings, learn to walk away when he is speaking to you inappropriately, learn to show him that if he is only willing to yell then you aren't willing to be there to yell back or be yelled at.
Learn to talk about what is bothering you, not fight.
Using empathic phrasing may help him understand how he is hurting your feelings.
You have been through four counselors, either there isn't a commitment by both parties to make a change, or you are both just inconsitent.
You have to make consistent changes in order to see progress.
How do your parents react with all of the fighting?
Do you both make them uncomfortable?
How do they feel about your relationship?

[I wish]

I think the two of you really need to sit down and nail down the issues. It seems like he just quickly mentions what he thinks but doesn't support his reasons for saying those things.

As for you, you have a hard time taking criticism. But it would help if he elaborated on what he means. But at the same time, you should tell him that maybe his tone of voice or the manner in which he expresses himself can be offensive.

Both of you need to lay out a better communication system so that you won't get fustrated before you even start having a civilized conversation.

Here are some suggestions. Take turns expressing yourself. Take turns sucking it up and plugging your ears to listen to the other person. Allow the other person to finish his or her point before you speak. If it helps, try to write things down point by point, then address each issue one by one.