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dincher · Aug 7, 2009, 03:56 AM

A friend of mine started to shun me - even though I'm not exactly sure why.

Last week, I may have made a joking comment about her friend that was offensive, and I thought so, and I apologized immediately.

Then she sent me two emails just talking about regular stuff - of which I didn't respond to, not because they were from her, but because I was extremely busy being immersed in studies and research, etc. Plus she sent me those emails late at night and said, "Oh, I'm going to sleep now" - which is more of a reason why I didn't respond.

Anyway, we usually talk during the end of the week and weekends, and although she was available, lets say - she refused to speak to me.

So I'm wondering, were my actions hurtful in not responding to her emails and the bad joke about her friend? I know it sounds petty, but she also went above and beyond in showing me that she's shunning me - I won't post the long-winded details, but she did.

So I'm wondering, how to treat this situation - we've been close friends for years. She has repeatedly stated that she doesn't want me isolated from her. So I wonder about this contradicting behavior.

When people shun you, does that mean that they're hurt? Or that they're trying to keep themselves esteem? Perhaps she no longer wants me in her circle, not sure. I just thought that she'd explain what's bothering her, instead of just taking the shun road.

tickle · Aug 7, 2009, 04:26 AM

If you value her friendship, and it appears you do, or you wouldn't be worried about this 'glitch', you had better pin her down and have an open discussion of the 'whys and wherefores' of this little setback. It could probably be something really minuscule.

Could it be she is just to busy at the present time and you are being too sensitive? She is being too sensitive ? Who knows dincher until you get it all out in the open where it can be dealt with and put to rest.

good luck

tick

N0help4u · Aug 7, 2009, 05:09 AM

I agree with Tickle but if after you have done what you can to save the relationship and she still wants to shun you move on.
If it is real shunning I consider that playing games and you are better off finding new friends.
But it may not be real shunning. She could just need some time and space right now as Tickle said.
So yes ask her to have lunch or something and talk with her about how you value her friendship and all and take it from there.

I wish · Aug 7, 2009, 05:38 AM

If she's ignoring you for those small reasons, then this friendship is very fragile.

Keep trying to make attempts to talk things out with her. But if she's going to keep ignoring you, then that's a pretty good sign that she doesn't want to talk to you, in which case you will have to wait for her to contact you.

It might be nothing personal, it might just be that she's busy. Until you talk to her, not much point guessing, because we could go in circles.

dincher · Aug 7, 2009, 05:58 AM

Well, she did show me - non verbal - that she made an extra effort to ignore me. Like I said before, we were very close friends, so I'm not sure why this "above and beyond" show.

So my questions - when people shun you, does that mean that they're hurt? Or that they're trying to keep themselves esteem? As a close friend for years, she should tell me what's bothering her instead of just shunning me. I know I'm whinging, but I think it's hurtful and quite honestly, I expected better treatment.

N0help4u · Aug 7, 2009, 06:05 AM

It can mean many things.
that she isn't ready to deal with you
that she wants nothing further to do with you
that she is changing her priorities giving you less thought
that she is hurt
that she is thinks less of you

the only way you can be sure is get her to give you a few minutes of her time face to face to tell her that you value the friendship and to please forgive you for things.

If she still treats you like she can't be bothered then she is shunning you. Then you move on.

Right now you can only guess and trying to guess what others think and feel will only make you go crazy

talaniman · Aug 8, 2009, 02:01 PM

Stop assuming, and just ask her.

0rphan · Aug 8, 2009, 03:13 PM

You've hurt her feelings, firstly the nasty comments about her friend, then ignoring 2 emails, OK it may have been late but you could have sent a few words, it wouldn't have taken a moment, but... you were too busy.

Ok you may have been friends for years but it doesn't mean you can ignore her feelings.

Don't let this compound, sort it out.
Phone, go for a coffee, send a card, anything that will clear the air.

Don't wait for her, it's a question of pride and stubbornness on both parts.

Lifes to short for trivial misunderstandings.

dincher · Aug 8, 2009, 04:04 PM

Thanks for the answers - we're okay now. :)

dincher · Aug 21, 2009, 09:01 PM

Threads merged

What do you do when someone snubs you and you have no idea why? Would you approach them and ask them why, or would you just ignore them until they "come around".

Me personally, I would love to confront them in a nice way and ask why, however, that kind of feeds into the negativity in the sense that I'm exposing the other person's behavior and that in itself can be confrontational, and make the person feel uncomfortable.

However, if I ignore it, then *my* feelings will get hurt in the sense that it sort of builds resentment.

Clough · Aug 21, 2009, 09:48 PM

Hi, dincher!

Now, I don't know your particular situation. But, if it was me, in most situations, I would tell them that you're having a problem and that they are the ones that can help you to solve it. That way, it's not so confrontational and makes them feel good because they are the ones who are being recognized and chosen as the helpful ones.

Then, you go on to tell them how you feel, without blaming any one person or group.

This approach can also work with speaking one-on-one with individuals.

Again though, I don't know your specific situation...

Thanks!

dincher · Aug 21, 2009, 10:47 PM

Originally Posted by Clough

Hi, dincher!

Now, I don't know your particular situation. But, if it was me, in most situations, I would tell them that you're having a problem and that they are the ones that can help you to solve it. That way, it's not so confrontational and makes them feel good because they are the ones who are being recognized and chosen as the helpful ones.

Then, you go on to tell them how you feel, without blaming any one person or group.

This approach can also work with speaking one-on-one with individuals.

Again though, I don't know your specific situation...

Thanks!

Yeah, but even if I said, Oh, I'm having a problem, what do you think of a person who's snubbing me, etc - they'll know I'm talking about them.

Clough · Aug 21, 2009, 11:33 PM

Hi again, dincher!

You don't have to use the word snub. You could tell them that you're feeling badly because you feel there's something that's come between you and them to cause a "distancing" to happen between you and them and that you would really like to be good friends with them.

Do you have to speak with them as a group?

If they're not mature enough to be willing to discuss things and want to work things out, then perhaps it might just be best to seek out the friendship of others.

I wish and hope only the best for you!

Thanks!

talaniman · Aug 22, 2009, 10:19 AM

Does your question have to do with this post?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ou-384311.html

dincher · Aug 22, 2009, 07:47 PM

Well to be honest, it is the same person- only she came out of her hole and acted as if nothing happened only she's doing it again, and it's frustrating. But I've decided not to say anything to her- to just let her seek me as I haven't done anything to ber (that I know of). But now I have another question- Does it seem as if I don't give or care (in her point of view) if I don't communicate and ask why?

talaniman · Aug 23, 2009, 07:56 AM

I would simply ignore her. That's in no way saying be rude, or confrontational, but leave her and her attitude alone. For whatever reason, she is behaving badly toward you, but you can't control the actions of another.

You can control what you do about it. Doing nothing in this case is an option. Her reasons are her own, and until she tells you what her motives are, you have no facts in which to act.

Do you think she may want attention from you?

dincher · Aug 23, 2009, 01:08 PM

I don't know what she wants at this point. The last time, she broke her silence by sending me a birthday gift which was more than 100 bucks- so I thought, we'll OK. Then we were friends again and now- 2 months later, she's doing it again- going above and beyond ignoring me and showing me blatantly that she is. Not sure what this whole attitude is about.

talaniman · Aug 23, 2009, 01:15 PM

I have had this happen before, by someone who wanted my attention. Talked about me like a dog to her friends, because she liked me.

I don't know if this applies to you, or if your interested, if it does.

I can tell you that if a female spends 100 bucks for a gift, she is very interested.

dincher · Aug 23, 2009, 02:51 PM

Oh lol no, I'm a woman - hope that bit helps.

dincher · Aug 26, 2009, 04:37 PM

So anyway... I am wondering - this girl's birthday is coming up in a few weeks. If this person continues to snub me, should I even bother to send her the gift? Or should I just leave her and her attitude alone?