[Monkey Pads]

I've never thought it was a good idea to leave a marriage when you have children unless there is abuse, gambling, alcoholism, infidelity.

Well I'm in a 3.5 year commonlaw 'marriage' and I've fought so hard to keep things afloat. My husband is in the military and he's gone a lot on courses. (Not abroad). I'm used to him leaving but it's the times when he is home that make things hard. He bulldozes right in, makes all the decisions and doesn't care what I think or say. I don't nag him - yet he's extremely defensive and always wants everything done his way. When I work around the house he'll change everything and move it around to his liking etc...

He is extremely judgmental and never thinks I'm good enough and he is really hard on my son from a previous marriage (who is the bookworm type vs. my husband's hard-nosed macho-ness) We were very in love when we moved in together and had an unplanned pregnancy. We've been to counseling and I'm in shape and I'm very open to him. As for me - well I'm definitely not as fun as I used to be and have begun totally self-editing and have compromised everything I stand for just to keep the peace. (which has also backfired).

He's begun isolating me (he's very jealous) and freaks out when I mention going back to work. We've had so many blowouts and he's told me we 'have to make it work' not because he loves me but so his parents aren't disappointed in him. I keep telling him to 'make a move then' but he won't and asks me why I won't. (Duh because I just want us to be happy... but... we aren't).

So, I've decided that I will make the move. I've never tried to change him but by wanting his behaviour to change maybe I'm asking too much. I can't make the guy love me if he doesn't anymore! Sorry for the scattered writing - too much to say, too many details. I feel I can't do any more to fix this.

[N0help4u]

If his only *solution* is worrying about what his parents will think then I think you have an even bigger problem on your hands than you realize because he doesn't care what you think or feel. If he is domineering and counseling hasn't woke him up and it sounds like he is getting worse I don't see any good future for you.
He knows he can control you, he knows you try to bow down to his ways. He has beaten down who you are. It isn't going to get better.

[zippit]

He needs a wake up call

[nymphetamine]

FYI you are being abused.


Just to clarify

He bulldozes right in, makes all the decisions and doesn't care what I think or say

and never thinks I'm good enough

He's begun isolating me

^^^
usually a sign of worse things to come

[I wish]

He sounds extremely controlling and borderline abusive.

It doesn't sound like he's providing you what you deserve/want/need from a significant other. Staying in the relationship because of parents and for the sake of the kids is not a good enough reason.

Think about it this way, parents cannot control what we do anymore because we are adults, so we have to make our own decisions. Parents don't live in the same house as you so they have no idea what's going on.

As for staying because of children. If the childen's parents are not having a healthy relationship, then how is that beneficial to the child? By acting in the best interest of the child, you should be having a healthy and happy relationship.