[UnsureProfessional]

I am a professional, married successful person and have neve had any type of problem with this situation before. It has torn me up inside and I can't hardly figure out how to deal with it.

I am a Top-Level Executive that indirectly oversees 200 employees and 25 direct employees.

Last Spring I hired a new manager. A female. I had known her somewhat previously as she is good friends with my wife. She was by far the best person for the job as even a committee helped with the final decision.

I had never found this woman the slightest bit attractive etc. NEVER. In fact, the little thought I had ever had was that I considered her a bit 'homely'.

Anyway, she started work and we have had to work fairly close together as she opened up a new office for us in our area.

Somehow, the past couple months I have developed an intense physical attraction to her. When we are together at work, I find myself thinking of sexual thoughts about her. She has never in any manner come on to me or flirted and I definitely know where that can lead and have made strong efforts to never imply or do anything that could be misconstrued.

Things are complicated as she and my wife are good friends and they live on the same street.

No one else can be assigned her direct supervisor. I am in agony as I cannot get pas this thing or at least it seems that way.

I have a great wife and kids. The other lady is also married. I have made concerted efforts to pay even more attention to my wife etc. but still, this physical feeling about this other lady will not fade.

I know the danger involved and do not want anything to happen despite my thoughts. I only want the feeling and thoughts to subside.

I have gone to a private counselor one time and have another session scheduled. I need help. This does not seem normal. In the past, I may have found a woman attractive but it never ever turned into anything like this. This is the first female manager I've ever had to work with.

Please offer me some great advice...

[s_cianci]

I think you already know the answers. It's good that you're getting counseling. You seem to have a lot of confidence professionally in this woman that you helped hire. Do you suppose you're confusing that with a personal, sexual attraction to her? I know it sounds crazy but it's a possibility. You may be projecting her professional competence onto a perceived sexual performance of comparable quality. How are things between you and your wife? You speak of her as a "great wife" and state that you've "made concerted efforts to pay even more attention" to her but I wonder if you feel that's something's lacking on her part that you've gone and projected onto this manager? Give it some thought.

[valinors_sorrow]

I will take a shot at what you ask by offering this. Sexual desires, well desires of all kinds are partly creatures of our deepest psyche. They can often be effectively handled like you might a confusing or uncomfortable dream. This is where you must be prepared to really think outside the box. And it starts with telling yourself it is perfectly normal.

It requires two challenging things. First, that you make a non-negotiable deal with yourself that no matter what you will not act on it. And if that is possible, then you embrace it as completely as you can--- as a thought, a feeling, a wish, a physical sensation (only not around her), a dream, a desire, a fantasy you mentally play in various circumstances... anything you can possibly imagine except taking the actual action. In your safest moments, invite it to consume you and let what comes up about it come. Like Cianci, I trust some part of you knows already-- the trick is to fill in the rest of you as strange as that may seem. You just have to push past those two old adages: what we resist, persists and what we focus on grows to see what's on the other side. Once you separate it effectively from your fear that you might act on it, this pushing past part is usually easy peasey.

If you are disciplined and well, brave or at least very open minded, I believe it will reveal and subside, or just subside. You only need look at your resistance to it and how it has subsequently made it grow. If that seems too risky, then I believe its off to the counselor once again where they will in effect guide you through a very similar process, I believe. I know firsthand how it sometimes helps to have "an anchor". Good luck and maybe keep us posted. Always gratifying to learn what works.

[Wildcat21]

Don't dip your pen in the company ink!!

Especially at your level. Your craeer will be in major jepordy.

I know an excutive i worked with a few years ago where a relationship like this in a large company - went bad - he was so love sick he couldn't work - employees complained. He lost his job.

[talaniman]

These feelings are normal and may be intesified by you seeing her so often. There always will be what if. Normal. The key is to keep things in a logical perspective... She is out of bounds and you can never say or do anything that crosses that boundary. That goes with every thing in life, Stay inbounds. Now what goes on in you fantasy is a whole different ball game. Anything goes, but reality has rules. Obey them and be healthy.