[rainman1]

Hello! Thank you in advance for helping me with this problem.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 years, 1 together and a full 4 years of distance! I am 23 and she is 22. I try to come home once a month to visit her but I came home around the 4th of July and something was way off. She was acting as if I was a distant friend, it was heartbreaking. A couple weeks later I came home again just to talk to her and we came to the conclusion that she wanted a "BREAK". All she can tell me is that she is very confussed and doesn't know what she wants right now. I know she has been busy with family problems and work, but I didn't think that I would be that much of a burden on her, especially because it is a long distance relationship. The worst part about this is I have one more year in the military and then we can start to live together/ build a life together. I wanted to live at home when I am done with the military and she wants to move out west. I tried to bluff and tell her that I am working at home and want to live near the family but aparently she didn't fold. It was a game of chicken and I lost. I have since told her that I do not want to lose the love we have been building for 5 years and I will move out west and build a life with her. It feels like she is quitting at the end of a long race. I baisically took this really hard. She tells me not to get so worked up because I am thinking this break is forever, while she is thinking it won't be. What she doesn't understand is that things can happen, such as her finding a better man and forgetting about me. I told her I wasn't going to call her until she called me, but a week later I broke down and called her twice and text her once. Its been two days and no reply. Does anybody know if I just blew it with the contact there? Or do I still have a chance if I don't contact her from here on out? How long does a woman need until she will call? Please help any consolation will be appreciated, I feel like crap right now, but still would like a truthfull answer. Thank You.

[talaniman]

Unfortunately it seems she has been waiting, while you are living your life. 4 years is a very long time, and whether your there or not, people can change.

I think you continue doing what your doing, and give her the break she asked for, and see what happens. Your not there any way.

[LifeChangesMan]

Hey Hey,

I went through this crap too my friend, it is terrible, the worst, but you'll get through it. So lets get to the things you want to hear, it'll take time and if she calls you, she calls you. No big deal, you know? Don't live your life waiting for her now, you got a year left in the service, then guess what you can do whatever you'd like, stay home like YOU wanted, if she wants to leave, well cya! Understand, that life's too short to deal with this petty crap, and don't think I don't know what it feels like and everything, my situation was way worse then this, now look at me I'm smiling everyday, and happier then ever. :D

Now what you don't want to hear is, she's probably not coming back, it's just how it is buddy, you just don't up and leave after five years then come back, possible? Of course, likely? Not very. Just let her go, eliminate yourself from her life, the KEY to this situation for your ideal turn out of her coming back and living happily ever after IS, you disappearing from her life. She needs to see what the world throws at her, and take it with out your shoulder to catch her tears. Once, she's like wow, this really blows with out my boyfriend, thinks could change, and be different, but the funniest thing about it is, once she's ready to comeback, you'll already be moved on and happy.

Yours Truly,

LCM

[rainman1]

Wow thanks for being honest with me about what you think is going on. Still, I wish she would have said "its over". I respected her "break" and am no longer calling or texting her. It just feels like I am being drug along now, hoping for some sort of attention down the road. She said that this isn't forever, and that "we will figgure it out", I have no fing Idea what that means. Anyway I am taking suggestions on other posts and trying to get on with my life as far as hobbies and dating goes. Anyone: Please feel free to post your two cents as I appreciate the input. Thank You

[kctiger]

There are very few people I wait on. If someone tells me that our relationship is on "break" it is as good as being broken up to me. Thus, I would continue to live life and have fun. Waiting is for people in line at the DMV... it ain't for me.

[I wish]

Don't take what she said too literally, like when she said "this isn't forever". If she doesn't contact, don't take what she said too seriously. Because it really sounds like she had a change of heart.

When she says that "we will figure it out". It's kind of hypocritical. If she says "we", it means no break and you work in the problems together. By asking for a break, it means that she wants to figure it out on her own.

There's nothing you can do except respect her wishes. It's no problem that you tried to contact her. If anything, it shows that you still care about you. The ball is on her side of the court now. Let her make the next move.

Get on with your life. Start moving on. If she comes back to you, then great! But if she doesn't, then at least you'll be in a better position to recover from the breakup.

[rainman1]

Thank you all for your take on this. It is really great to get a third person perspective on this. I know this is very weak to say, but I feel as if she was my life. Now instead of planning to move in/go to school together I have zero plans I don't even know where to start to make new plans! One thing is for certain, I have lost trust in relationships and love in general.

[paxe]

Your relationship is pretty much over. I've been there personally. My ex told me she was confused, that she wasn't sure if she wanted to go back with me, she needed time, but she couldn't let go of me. So I waited. Result: She went with another guy without looking back. Luckily by that time I didn't want her back but it just shows you.

The reason why she is telling you that the break up is not over is to have someone she knows she can fall back and she doesn't have enough courage to be alone. Most probably and it looks like it now, she has found someone else and/or has cheated on you. Just look at all the threads you will find a lot of similarities: Boy loves girls, girls dumps boyfriend for another guy or hooks up right away, girls doesn't want to let go of initial boyfriend.
If you cannot tell yourself it is over, all there will be down the road is pain. Cut all contact.

The wonderful thing about the brain is that we tend to forget, with time, pain and shock. You are now in a state of shock but slowly with healing yourself you will feel much better and gain new perspective. There is nothing as eternal love, you have to work hard to make something last. Hope that helps.

[rainman1]

Are there any words of encouragement out there? Is it possible to get back together? I have heard about the no calling rule but I don't know what to do at this point. You tell me to "get on with my life" and date other people but I honestly just feel like crying and sleeping on the couch. Do I need to see a psychiatrist?

[paxe]

are there any words of encouragement out there? Is it possible to get back together? I have heard about the no calling rule but I dont know what to do at this point. You tell me to "get on with my life" and date other people but I honestly just feel like crying and sleeping on the couch. Do I need to see a psychiatrist?

It is pretty much normal to be in the state you are as you are in plain shock. I think it hasn't been too long since the break up. If the situation stays the same for some time without any amelioration then go see a psychiatrist. What you need to do right now is TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You are living for yourself, remember? You shouldn't base your life on someone else. The first thing you do is cut ALL contact. If you are not in contact with her, the source of the pain will go away, and it will, trust us, there is plentiful of guys out there who passed by the same thing.

You can stay home for a day or two but after that you need to go out. Sport and activities is the answer for healing. If you are feeling sad, then go do some sport, go out with friends, set yourself a goal (get six-packs if you don't have)... We are here to help you, but we can only help the people who want to help themselves. Read the thread about No Contact and what to do after break up, they help a lot.

[rainman1]

Wow, this has helped me gain some perspective. I guess the hardest part was that she was an amaizing and I mean AMAIZING woman. I hate myself right now because I feel that I messed it up. After no contact should I just try and be her friend and then try to go to the same grad school as her? Or will this seem stalker-ish? I really don't want anyone else and the thought of going out with other women right now makes me sick. I saw advertisements online for e-books on "how to get your X back" does that hold any weight?

[talaniman]

I hate myself right now because I feel that I messed it up.

Drop the guilt trip, as you will see later that you made mistakes, but so did she.

After no contact should I just try and be her friend and then try to go to the same grad school as her? Or will this seem stalker-ish?

Absolutely not. No friends, No going to the same college if you have better options. To be near her? That's absurd!

I really don't want anyone else and the thought of going out with other women right now makes me sick.

Then do things that are good clean fun, with people and activities that you enjoy. Once you get beyond the distraction of her, you will see better options and opportunities for yourself and your happiness.

I saw advertisements online for e-books on "how to get your X back" does that hold any weight?

Read what you want, but don't put a lot of faith into something that makes a lot of money from your misery and pain.

[paxe]

wow, this has helped me gain some perspective. I guess the hardest part was that she was an amaizing and I mean AMAIZING woman. I hate myself right now because I feel that I messed it up. After no contact should I just try and be her friend and then try to go to the same grad school as her? Or will this seem stalker-ish? I really don't want anyone else and the thought of going out with other women right now makes me sick. I saw advertisements online for e-books on "how to get your X back" does that hold any weight?

NO, NO NO AND NO! First of all it's not your fault. Break ups happen all the time. There should be no blame put in either one of you. There is tons of amazing women out there, you just have to look and find them after you've HEALED. You are clinging on false hope. It's normal but it's unhealthy.

I had false hope for 2 month and if I had listened and break up all contacts I wouldn't have taken so much time to heal. It is the best way to go NC and accept that she is gone. You may find someone else that is much better suited for you in the long run. Don't go to the same grad school, if anything stay far away from her! Trust us, there is only pain if you don't accept the truth. I've been there and clinging on false hope is horrible! For now TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Don't go out and date, just go out be more social do tons of sport, do the things YOU want.

You are living your OWN life if I remember correctly. You have tremendous potential to do whatever you like. And by the way these books NEVER work. I've tested them and I can tell you they just use your money. You are not using your brain right now, you are only thinking with your feelings. It's time for a reality check. Start loving yourself and be happy alone. After 5 years you need a lot of healing but we are here to help, but don't do any mistakes!

[kctiger]

No, the e-books do NOT hold any weight. By the time you have gone through their steps you should be over it anyway. You can't script feelings, love and life, it doesn't work that way. Dudes like TW Jackson who write these books do it for business and money making purposes. I can tell you EXACTLY what these books say if you really want to go that route, but don't waste your money on them as I did.

[rainman1]

Right, thanks for saving me money there.
I haven't talked to her for a week now, but the thing is next weekend I have to go home to sell my motorcycle. Should I at least txt her to let her know that I am in town so it will be less shocking when she sees me? To make matters worse she works at my parents bar/restaurant in town and I always go there to eat and see friends. Should I just avoid this place all together?

[kctiger]

I would avoid anything that has the potential to turn into a disaster. If you don't feel ready to see her, then by all means, DON'T! This is your time and you need to worry about keeping yourself as sane and happy as possible during this rough patch.

[rainman1]

It seems as if you have the most experience on here. Why does everyone on here say it is near impossible to get back with a girlfriend after a break? I don't know if my situation in unique or not but I hope that I am the caveat to this wretched rule. She told me if she lived with me that she would be all right, but the distance thing just got to be too much after 4 years. I know she still loves me, and I her, so I don't see the point in abandoning hope at this point. I truly believe that love is hard to find, and It will be worth it if it works out through all of this suffering. Does anyone agree to this or am I just talking nonsense through all of the emotion?

[kctiger]

I appreciate your comments, but I am hardly an expert on the matter and it wasn't too long ago that I was in your shoes.

As far as getting back your ex, it is not impossible. The thing is that making rash decisions based upon over running emotions is usually a bad idea. We ordinarily tell posters who break up to take some time away, clear their head and look at things from a RATIONAL perspective. There is nothing wrong with getting back with an ex if that is what you do, but you need to really examine things from a fresh outlook.

Get it? In order to get someone "back" or at least to have a shot, you have to get yourself back. What makes you, you? Going through a tough break up kind of opens your eyes to these questions.

[rainman1]

The only thing that makes me feel better is thinking that someday things can change and we will be back together. I told her not to drag this "break" thing out to long and to be fair to me. Should I give her an ultimatum? Something along the lines of "I can't take this pain anymore, you need to be 100% with me or 100% not and let me move on" kind of like asking her to let me go in a sense. Does anyone think this will work?

[talaniman]

The only thing that makes me feel better is thinking that someday things can change and we will be back together. I told her not to drag this "break" thing out to long and to be fair to me. Should I give her an ultimatum? Something along the lines of "I can't take this pain anymore, you need to be 100% with me or 100% not and let me move on" kind of like asking her to let me go in a sense. Does anyone think this will work?

I am a believer that real men make the tough decisions for themselves, based on facts and not just feelings. You wait for no one, and you don't let them make decisions for you. Going back over old ground just because of intense feelings is a recipe for disaster.

Understand that this is YOUR chance to learn and grow, and figure out HOW to deal with your feelings, thoughts and actions. We all get tested by life in this regard, one way or another, and how we handle ourselves is how we define ourselves as a person. Its called coping with reality, and make NO MISTAKE, this is a defining moment for you. That's why the ball is in your court, not hers, and you must do the learning part, and develop good coping skills, and strategies to have good decisions with good outcomes, and deal with those that don't.

That's what No Contact is about, YOU giving YOURSELF a chance to make a GOOD decision. All these other plans of yours are based in fear, desperation, and hurt, and as KC pointed out, seldom makes for good decisions. In time that will change and until then stick with NC, and get about your life, and deal with whatever life throws at you. It hurts, so what, life can be painful and cruel, as it can be good and sweet. DEAL WITH IT, don't fear it. We all are under the same rules. Live while you can, and don't worry about her letting you go, LET HER GO, and live.

Thank you for helping me through this rough period in my life. It is so hard to let go of something you love. I am in my own mental prison right now and can not help myself from recounting memories past and things I could have done better. I just don't know what my future holds right now as far as making a career choice and where I am going to live. All of that was set with her. How do you move on from that? How do you move on from all of the future events that you held in your head for years that now may not take place?

By making adjustments to the plan, and working your butt off to make them happen. Healthy people see the options and opportunities life presents them to be happy, and they go for it. So must you get healthy, and learn what makes you happy, then pursue it.

Easier said than done, but do it any way, for yourself, and make some happy memories along your journey, after you have mourned the death of this relationship, and healed.