[LJStepdad]

I have been married for about 7 years now. Through the years my wife has always seemed to have a "victimized" type of relationship with her son. His bio father was very self centered drug user always thinking of himself, and my wife believes that because of that tragedy in his life, she must let her son have and do whatever he wants. He has graduated High School at 17 and is about to turn 18. He will not help out around the house unless you badger him over and over to do something. He works 6 to 8 hours a week to get some gas money, sleeps in to 1:00 in the afternoon and has no drive to do anything. My biggest problem is that he will never do something for anybody because he appreciates them, but only because he gets something from them like money. He is turning out to be like his bio father, self centered and only cares about his wants. It makes me very frustrated at my wife for enforcing what I believe to be a bad pattern. Am I overreacting, or does this seem to be the pattern of this generation of kids? My wife and I both work 40 to 50 hours a week and own a business. What am I doing wrong? Should I feel so frustrated that he will turn out to be a "victimized spoiled adult"?

[N0help4u]

I can understand your frustration but it is probably too late by now they have their pattern down and you trying to 'fix' it or even just point it out is only going to disrupt their happy little view of their world and they will continue on their way. If you really try to press it it may cause a real problem with your marriage instead of the way they see their life.

I doubt she is going to change. I doubt he is going to change.

She wants to be an enabler so all you can do is put your foot down when it crosses the line over into them expecting you to help the enabling.

[Jake2008]

I think that you are in a position where most parents find themselves at one time or another. Differing on the reasons your child is doing what he is doing, and the fine line of providing excuses vs. setting realistic behaviour expectations.

Who has a perfect childhood, and who is pre-destined to repeat the history of their parents. That is a really lame excuse for bad behaviour. If that is the best theory your wife can come up with she needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

To accept this behaviour, and allow it to continue because there is a 'reason' for it, is only setting the stage for failure of this young man to realize his own potential. If she has no expectations from him because of who is biological father was, she's not doing him any favours, and in fact, may very well be setting him up to fail in the same way his father did.

He is soon to be a man, and he's no longer in the category of defiant teen.

He's got his high school diploma, he's got a part time job. He's got friends, a social life, and free room and board at home, with two full time maids.

Why would he want to change that?

It is time to sit down with your wife, and tell her that some expectations have to be put in place in order for him to remain in the home. Set some simple chores like cutting the grass every Friday, or doing his own laundry, making dinner once a week. He has to contribute in some meaningful way.

Give him expectations instead of excuses. If he is not planning to further his education, then he needs to find a full time job. He should be looking now, and find something at least to buy his own clothes and pay for his internet access and personal supplies such as shampoo, razor blades, etc. Turn him from a user, to a contributor.

You aren't doing him any favours by allowing him to stay unproductive and dependent. If you and your wife can't come up with some compromise, this young man will be on your couch at age 30.

There is no free ride.

[jmjoseph]

I am reading a book called " Have a New Kid by Friday", By Dr. Kevin Leman. I highly recommend it. I'm not usually big on child rearing books, but this guy is a genious. Basically it teaches kids that "B" is not going to happen until "A" happens first. It conditions them to do things, chores, homework, anything that you want them to do. It replaces control with the parents. Without yelling, threatening, and the like. He answers all the questions that come up. You should go get you a copy, now.

[taoplr]

I have been married for about 7 years now. Through the years my wife has always seemed to have a "victimized" type of relationship with her son. His bio father was very self centered drug user always thinking of himself, and my wife believes that because of that tragedy in his life, she must let her son have and do whatever he wants. He has graduated High School at 17 and is about to turn 18. He will not help out around the house unless you badger him over and over to do something. He works 6 to 8 hours a week to get some gas money, sleeps in to 1:00 in the afternoon and has no drive to do anything. My biggest problem is that he will never do something for anybody because he appreciates them, but only because he gets something from them like money. He is turning out to be like his bio father, self centered and only cares about his wants. It makes me very frustrated at my wife for enforcing what I believe to be a bad pattern. Am I overreacting, or does this seem to be the pattern of this generation of kids? My wife and I both work 40 to 50 hours a week and own a business. What am I doing wrong? Should I feel so frustrated that he will turn out to be a "victimized spoiled adult"?

It is a generational pattern. They have parents who will work for them, protect them, indulge them, feel guilty about them, and feed themselves image (aka "esteem") no matter what they do. Your wife, while misguided, is not unique. You have to be a strong voice in his mind, a clear parental influence, but you are dealing with culture.Take a look at this excerpt regarding the workplace:

Scenes from the Culture Clash
Companies are just now waking up to the havoc that the newest generation of workers is
causing in their offices.

From: Fast Company Issue 102 | January 2006 | Page 72 By: Danielle Sacks
Underlining and italics are mine.

Beverly Hills psychiatrist's office is an unlikely triage center for the mash-up of
Generations in the workforce. But Dr. Charles Sophy is seeing the casualties firsthand.
Last year, when a 24-year-old salesman at a car dealership didn't get his yearly bonus
Because of poor performance, both of his parents showed up at the company's regional
headquarters and sat outside the CEO's office, refusing to leave until they got a meeting.
"Security had to come and escort them out," Sophy says.

A 22-year-old pharmaceutical employee learned that he was not getting the promotion he
Had been eyeing. His boss told him he needed to work on his weaknesses first. The
Harvard grad had excelled at everything he had ever done, so he was crushed by the
News. He told his parents about the performance review, and they were convinced there
Was some misunderstanding, some way they could fix it, as they'd been able to fix
Everything before. His mother called the human-resources department the next day.
Seventeen times. She left increasingly frustrated messages: "You're purposely ignoring
us"; "you fudged the evaluation"; "you have it in for my son." She demanded a mediation
session with her, her son, his boss, and HR--and got it. At one point, the 22-year-old
Reprimanded the HR rep for being "rude to my mom."

This will all change as the world economy goes into its next phase, one in which we can't waste water, or afford oil, and work transforms into unprecedented forms, etc. Societal realities will force these spoiled kids to take care of business and be grateful for what they have. No, you don't have to wait for that, but you should know that it's coming. The awakening of these kids will be a by-product.

The most important thing that you can do—while still insisting that he have responsibilities, non-negotiable requirements, and standards—is to put your relationship with him first. Maintain rapport, an open line of communication, shared humor, your availability, and an understanding ear. You don't need to indulge him, but you do need to let him be himself in front of you, knowing that you see him and accept him, and that you don't buy his BS. Just do it as a trustworthy ally and mentor who has a sense of humor.

As a step dad, you have an especially delicate balance between pushing too much and too little, between fighting and enticing. All parents do, but your authority is more likely to be challenged than a biological dad, if he were functional, would get. Your son can play mom against you without lifting a finger. She's part of the pattern, as you described.

Family therapy can help a lot, especially in the self-understanding department. If you find yourselves fighting, go to therapy.

Tao