[silverboy]

Hey,

Here's my situation. I've been dating this awesome girl(27, and I'm 26) for almost 3 years now. We met and started friends in 2002. When we started dating everything was prefect! We spent so much quality time together.

Then about a year ago I started looking for my own place and thought it might be a good idea to move in together. She said she wasn't ready, and I completely respect her decision on that. (But at 27, when will she be ready?? )

As the year went by, I didn’t end up moving out and bought a car instead. We kept dating and seeing each other regularly but the mounts of fights we had started increasing. She would pick fights for really minor things. Im a stubborn person so I don’t give in that easily which did added gasoline to the flames.

Anyway, she mentioned that she thought a break would be a good idea in the first week of September of 2006. I asked her if she would rather just "break-up" but she followed with "NO! I still love you, I just need some personal time... ” We had a few concerts and outings planned so we held off the break until the end on the month.

It’s been 3 weeks since we had an actual conversation, and it’s killing me. I think about her a lot, but I am doing my own thing too. I've quit smoking tobacco, started working workout, and started to do research on a business I want to start, plus hanging with my bud's is always a good time.

On Monday... it happened. I cracked. I called her in the morning just to say hi, but I woke her up. She wasn't mad, just surprised that I called and said she'd call me back. She didn’t call me back, but left an instant message on MSN apologizing for not calling me back.

So I guess my question is should I just wait for her to contact me? Or would it be a good idea to let her know that I'm thinking about her; like by sending her flowers with a note to her work... something like that.

We have come so far together and I don’t want to lose her. My family adores her and loves having her around. The feeling I get when she isn't around really sucks... is there anything else I could be doing to help us out of this awkward time?

Thanks for listening.

Chris

[charlie123]

Chris,
I feel for you during this time. I'm sure you will get a lot of different responses - but I am not a big fan of relationship games. It sounds to me like she is unsure what she wants. When you really love someone you can't stand to be away from them. I know when my husband and I were dating - I would have rather seen HIM - than eat or sleep! So, if I were you - if you want to send her flowers - send her flowers. If you want to talk to her - call her. But beware - once you open up your heart - be prepared for rejection. But if I were you - I would want to know. You don't want to be yearning for her - if she doesn't want you. You want to be free to get over her & move on & find that right person.

I am not saying that she isn't the one - she might very well be. If it's meant to be then you two will live happily ever after. Just be true to yourself - don't play games & tell her how you feel. If she doesn't respond the way you feel that she should - then let her go.

Good luck to you - and may God help guide you & comfort you during this extremely hard time.

[Wildcat21]

I have a strong feeling you're in for a huge world of HURT!! Warning.

Me thinks she is seeing someoen else - seriously - this is almost always the case with the 'break'.

DO NOT CONTACT HER.

She needs a challenge - be a challenge. She has you - you too much of a love sick puppy - I can tell - yuck.

LEAVE HER ALONE DUDE - LEAVE HER ALONE. YOU'RE BUSY. If she comes back to you - great. But something happened. Do not call - do not ask stupid questions - do not e-mail - do not text.

[s_cianci]

It sounds like you've been smothering her. When she picks fights over petty issues and the like, that's usually the cause. I wouldn't be too quick to contact her again just yet. Wait a while longer. When you do contact her keep it light. You can get together with her but do so much more sparingly than in the past. You want to make her miss you, not feel like she's smothered by you. Keep doing your own thing like you've been doing.

[blingzback87]

Ok I'm going to tell u like this playboy. Know it sounds to me that u have given her more then enough time. I think u should surprise her one day show up with a gift, set something up and once u do that tell her how u feel. Tell her how u feel she's not around u tell her u love her and that what ever differences u both had is done with and that u are willing to work on any problems we still might have. Man u got her basically tell her what she wants to here be sincere. Good Luck

[kp2171]

I know how you feel.

But if she doesn't want you bad enough to chase you a little, well is that enough?

You need to let her be a little. If she doesn't come back it Isn't because you didn't do enough. Its because she didn't want it enough.

[Skell]

You must be hurting. We all know what your going through that is why it essential for you to listen to what people say here.
Back right off. NO CONTACT. No emails, no calls, no im's nothing at all.

Disappear from the face of the planet.

If she truly loves you then she will come looking. But the more you chase the more she'll run..
It is going to be hard for you right now but keep doing the things you say you are..

Improve yourself. Workout, work hard, buddies, stick to the no smoking. These are all great things to do while trying not to contact someone.

PLease listen. NO CONTACT!

Trust me from experience here. It only drives them further away!

[talaniman]

After 3 years you both need to make a decision where to go from here. You called her and she didn't call you back. She is not ready or has something else going on. At this stage you should both have a better communication going and you don't in my opinion. Too many arguments is a red flag. I would not contact her and keep going on with your own life. If she wanted to be with you she would be and after 3 years she should already know how she feels about you.

[silverboy]

Wow, Thanks for the quick and great replies.

After reading all your responses I look back and see myself as smothering. The last year I use to work really odd hours and it was hard on myself. But now that I'm on the right track again I feel I can be better understanding and open up the lines of communication on my end to where it should be. I lost confidence in myself over the last year and that's why I may have been a little "needy". Too many negative influences in my life that had to be dealt with and now that they are I can look forward.

I'm not going to contact her for a few weeks to see if she try's to contact me. Whether she does or not, I'm planning on sending her a box of her favorite chocolates and snacks for Halloween. My reason for sending her the box is to let her now I'm thinking about her, but at the same time it would also show her that I respect her feelings and give her the space she needs at this time.

Thanks again
Any other suggestions and/or tips are much appreciated.
I will keep you updated.

Chris

[Wildcat21]

"box of her favorite chocolates and snacks for Halloween." - no - no contact. That's needy. Leave her alone.

[talaniman]

I'm not going to contact her for a few weeks to see if she try's to contact me. Whether she does or not, I'm planning on sending her a box of her

favorite chocolates and snacks for Halloween. My reason for sending her the box is to let her now I'm thinking about her, but at the same time it would also show her that I respect her feelings and give her the space she needs at this time.

No contact is just what it says No Contact, Of course you do what's best, but wait and see what happens in the Next 2 weeks before planning Contact. Let her buy you chocolates. Focus on you and not what she may be thinking.

[ilovcali]

Quite honestly, you have to ask yourself what relationship you want. You can be a doormat and perhaps win her back, or you can have control over yourself, have some self-respect, and dignity. This may cause you to lose this girl, but in the long run, you have to ask yourself what is more important, to be powerless in a relationship, or to be single and in control of your life?

My ex and I broke up four months ago. I have not spoken to her since, she has not spoken to me either. It does still hurt, but not as much. If anything, I am more angry at her, than missing her. Then there is my roommate. His ex cheated on him, then broke up with him, emotionally abuses him, and he loves her. In fact, his spineless, lack of self-respect attitude might actually win her back. She has slept with four guys after breaking up with him, and tells him about it. He doesn't care. His love is so grand, it does not matter. In fact, he is spending more time with her again, with no regard to her past actions. He has justified it all by chalking it up to her age and lack of maturity.

He is a doormat. He has no control over his relationship with her, he has no say in what they do, he is at her beck and call. And honestly, he was fine without her. He missed her, but he was surviving. Anyway, I have no respect for his attitude towards her. If anything, I think he's a joke. But I bite my tongue and no longer say anything. It is his life, and he should do what he thinks best. But he has no spine, no dignity, and no self-respect. But he does have a pseudo-girlfriend who has complete control over him. How awesome.

Anyway, my life is not full of roses. And the last few months have been some hell, but I'm coming out of the tunnel. I am single, I am alone, sometimes I am lonely, but that comes with any loss. Grief is natural. I focus all my energy on work, the gym, and jujitsu. I loved someone with all my heart, and it did not work out. That happens. But I have enough self-respect and dignity to realize the relationship I had was not healthy for me. I am a better person without her, but yes, sometimes I do miss her. But when that happens, I think of some of the nasty things she did and I redirect the sadness into anger which I use as fuel to drive me in my work. That is life. And do remember (people seem to always forget this), that someone just breaking up with you IS A NASTY THING TO DO, unless you did something clearly wrong (ie. Cheating, verbal, emotional, physical abuse). Sometimes you lose. But when you lose, you go back to the drawing board, and evaluate what happened, and hopefully, next time, you don't lose.

I will bet that your ex has spent this time trying to live life without you, trying to move on. She is probably a little surprised that you have managed for the most part, no contact, but surprise does not mean she wants you back. I wouldn't send her chocolates or anything. If she really misses you, she'll tell you. Count on that. You won't have to do much, if she wants you back.

Anyway, I may sound harsh, but reality sometimes is. Are you a man or a doormat?

[silverboy]

Yeah you guys are right. 100% I agree. That's why I go to the gym, to focus on myself. Worry about me for a change and work on those abs! As long as I don't stay stagnant and keep moving forward I'll feel great.

But out of the blue last night while I was at a bar downtown with my friends, she calls me at 2am. She wanted to meet up. When we did she starts telling me how much she has missed me and how happy she was to see me. So we had a light conversation about what we've doing over the last few weeks. But then see says "I want to see you again but i still think I need more time..." I reply to her saying " yeah that's a good idea, I have a lot of stuff I have to do over the next few weeks anyways" and we hugged and went our own way. When I got home later that night I realized that she left her cell in my car.
My friend thinks she left it their purposely due to the location where the cell was found.

I'm still in the process of figuring out what to think about the whole situation last night. I feel pretty good that she did call me and we spoke on good terms though.

Anyway, I'll post another message when I figure what I really think or when a situation develops.

Chris

[talaniman]

She forgot her cell, Yeah right, Return it and go back to giving her plenty of space. That is what she wants.

[Wildcat21]

Give her a ton of space and make her miss you. All you can do. Leave her alone. Trust me.

[Skell]

Yep, give the cell back and go back to no contact. That is what she asked for.

You need to work on you now. Forget her and her games for a while.