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safire923 · Oct 19, 2006, 08:00 AM

Hello Everyone,
I Guess I Wanted To Ask How Long Is Too Long To Wait For Someone To Propose? I've Been With My B/f For Almost 5 Years Now. We Talk About Getting Married All The Time And Having Kids, But He Keeps Saying When He's Ready. I Understand Where He Comes From When He Says He Wants To Be Ready, But Whn Will That Be? He Knows That I've Been Wanting To Take Our Relationship To The Next Level As Far As Commitment Is Concerned And I Have Been Patient So Far But I Think It's Starting To Run Out. I Don't Believe In Breaking Up With Someone For Something Like This, But I Just Wish I Would Know How To Make Him Realize That It's What I Want And Have Been Waitinf For For So Long. Is He Just Being A Typiacl Guy? Am I Just To Sit And Wait For When [i]he's [i]ready?

young06 · Oct 19, 2006, 08:09 AM

Your b/f will propose to you when he feels comfortable doing so. Its never to long if you love this guy he might just be waiting for the write moment.

safire923 · Oct 19, 2006, 08:20 AM

I Suppose You're Right. I Can't Help But To Feel A little Impatient Though. I Do Love Him And He Is Def Worth The Wait. I Just Hope It's Not Too Long Of A Wait.

young06 · Oct 19, 2006, 08:24 AM

Even if he doesn't purpose dose that mean he loves you any less no I don't think so if will still love you the say just let it happen when it happens

Wildcat21 · Oct 19, 2006, 08:42 AM

5 years os TOO long.

I bet $1 million the minute you move on and start looking for your husband - he just may turn around.

See - once he thinks he believes he is losing you - he just may propose - OR you will get your answer! This is NOT a game, not a game. You have needs and wants - if he isn't providing those - move on.

See - he has you - your too available to him - he is happy with the way things are - are you? He has you, he doesn't need to do MORE! You WANT more! He's way too comfortable - and that's because oyu let him.

Tell him how you feel - your relationship has gone as far as it can, you're not going to wait around any longer. Good bye. Seriously. He may turn around then.

If marriage is your goal to a great guy then he may not be it.

charlie123 · Oct 19, 2006, 10:25 AM

I agree with WildCat - you that old saying 'Why buy the cow - when you can get the milk for free?' If you've been with him already for 5 years - you are probably doing a lot of things a wife would do for their husband. It's not too late though. I think you should tell him how you feel - I'm not saying give him an ultimatum - but just talk about what you want. Other than this lack of commitment to get married - is he a good boyfriend? Has he ever lied or cheated - or given you any reason to think he is just stringing you along?

safire923 · Oct 19, 2006, 10:46 AM

Wow... I Never Thought About It That Way. It Makes Complete Sense. I Do And Give Him Everything. I Consider Myself To Be A Great Girlfriend And Not Only That But We've Lived Together For 4 Years. We've Bought Furniture together And Have A Joint Bank Account And We're Even Talking About Buying A Home Together Soon. But For Some Reason He Wants To Hold Off On The Marriage Thing For Right Now. Grant It He's Still In College, But He Should Finish In The Spring Time. He Knows How I Feel About Marriage. It's Everything To Me.

So You Guys Think He's Too Comfortable With Me? You're Saying To Be Tougher?!

Wildcat21 · Oct 19, 2006, 11:09 AM

I'd even advise a break - cut him off. See where this stands.

"I DO AND GIVE HIM EVERYTHING." - there in lies your problem. It's OK to be selfish. He must giggle every day at you! I wonder how much he respects you?

"SO YOU GUYS THINK HE'S TOO COMFORTABLE WITH ME?" Absolutely - 1000%. Why on earth does he need more? As you describe your situation - why on earth should he ever mary?

I am really not a big fan of living together - espcially if you are a strong amrriage proponent - becaue of the exact things you say.

He has you pretty solid. Start being selfish and do things for yourself - not for him.

Does he GIVE as much? I doubt it. It should be equal.

charlie123 · Oct 19, 2006, 11:12 AM

I would even consider moving out & try being independent. If you continue living with him - washing his clothes, cooking his meals, etc. - then why should he marry you? You are already his common law spouse. You are doing everything without the ring on your finger. I strongly suggest NOT to purchase a house with him. If I were you I would sit him down - tell him that you feel like you've made a mistake. Tell him that you love him & still want to continue your relationship. But you cannot continue with the way things are. He already knows how you feel about wanting to get married. I'm sure you probably want a family - (and who is he to deny this dream from you). I would move out & you might be surprised. He just might realize how much you mean to him - & pop the question. But if he doesn't & lets you leave - then it might be time to move on. You deserve to have someone who has the same ideas for their future. You deserve to have someone who wants to be married (since that is something that you feel so strongly about). It will be OK. If it's meant to be - then you two will live happily ever after. If he doesn't respond the way you feel that he should - then give him some space & let him decide if he really wants to be with you or not. I know this will be a hard thing to do - but I think it's about time for your boyfriend to 'go and purchase the cow before he can have the milk:)

Wildcat21 · Oct 19, 2006, 11:20 AM

I agree with Charlie: "If he doesn't respond the way you feel that he should - then give him some space & let him decide if he really wants to be with you or not."

5 years is enough.

You also need more you time - less him time.

safire923 · Oct 19, 2006, 12:12 PM

He Is A Great Boyfriend. It's Not Like Like He's Cheated Or Treats Me Like Sh** Or Anything Even Close To That. I Guess It's My Own Fault For Being A Given Person. That's How I've Always Been With Boyfriends. I Guess It's In My Nature To "take Care" Of Who I'm With. It Makes Complete Sense What You Guys Are Saying. I Probably Would Have Done That A Long Time Ago If I Wasn't So Scared To Be Alone. I Don't Know Why That Is. I Guess I Have More Issues Than I Thought Regarding My Childhood, But That Will Be Another Day's Topic. He's A Great Guy And I Love Him A lot. He Does A lot Of Things For Me And My Daughter. He's Been There For Me Through Rough Times, That's Why I Know He's The One Because He Stuck By Me Even In My Darkest Times. I Really Do Appreciate Your Advise

Wildcat21 · Oct 19, 2006, 12:39 PM

Daughter too - see we need all the info. The daughter part is important. Sheds a light on things. I can see a little more why he isn't ready.

safire923 · Oct 19, 2006, 01:51 PM

He Isn't Ready To Marry Me Because Of My Daughter? I Don't Understand. Since The Beginning I've Told Him That I Don't Expect Him To Be A "father" To My Daughter. I Haven't Put Any Added Pressure On Him To Be A "dad". He Knew Already I Was A Mom When We First Started Going Out And He Accepted It With No Problems.

You Think My Daughter Has Something To Do With It?

Wildcat21 · Oct 19, 2006, 02:44 PM

No, no - but you can't have him coming in and out of your life with the daughter. That's a whole new senario - your daughter needs stability - you can't up and move and then get back together.

How old are both of you - and your daughter?

s_cianci · Oct 19, 2006, 05:44 PM

Well, you certainly don't want to marry someone who's not ready. I'll admit, 5years is a long time and he should be able to make up his mind in that time. The real question is, how much longer are you willing to wait? Maybe you need to back off for a while and give him some space. You don't want to wait for many more years then have him end things altogether and leave you holding the reins as that's not fair to you. If you make yourself scarce that may light a fire under him as he may realize that if he doesn't make his move now he'll lose you forever. Your only other option is to give him an ultimatum. You can do that but if you do be prepared to go through with it.

talaniman · Oct 20, 2006, 05:10 AM

After 5 years and he isn't ready? You need to ask him why he isn't ready now!! You do have a daughter to raise and that is your priority. Honest straight communication. 5 years??

young06 · Oct 20, 2006, 05:24 AM

Why don't you ask him to marry you I no it is not traditionally but if you want to marry him that badly dose it really matter who asks who

safire923 · Oct 20, 2006, 06:40 AM

All of you make sense... I guess it's just hard when you're actually in the situation. I'm not saying that he doesn't want to marry me... it's just a matter of when, and yes... how long can I wait? Should I wait? And no it doesn't matter who proposes... I was very close to doing it one year and I actually asked him how he would feel about that and he said he would say no only because he is a very traditional guy and he would want to be the one to ask. I don't guys, maybe I'm making this a big deal when it doesn't have to be. I love him too much to leave.

velvetjones · Oct 20, 2006, 10:13 AM

I agree with Wildcat21, totally. Also, as charlie 123 says, DO NOT BUY A HOUSE with this guy. Also, DO NOT have joint bank accounts or credit accounts if you are not married, Protect yourself. You could get seriously screwed over without even knowing it. You also mentioned that he is "traditional". That sort of implies to me that he wouldn't be living with someone before being married to them. I'm really not sure what "traditional" means anymore. Does anybody? I have to say one thing that disturbed me, because it would really hurt me (and send me running out the door for good), is that he told you he would say "no" if you asked him to marry you. That doesn't make him look good at all. I'm wondering... sing it, Janet, "what has he done for you lately?"

lucia · Nov 21, 2006, 02:00 PM

Dear Safire 923,

Being with a boyfriend for 5 years is too long to see that he is only calculating with your relationship! Having houshold keeper, someone to share money with and someone to spend them with is very comfortable. Especially, when there are no commitments like marriage. This gives him great feeling of freedom to leave you whenever "he is ready". It looks like he is only playing with you without being responsible at all. He knows you have a daughter and he must also know that you need to give here a solid home to let her grow. If he did not propose to you yet, after those years, trust me he will never be ready to do it. You said he is still student. The problem is that he also behave like a student. No matter that he is living with you. He is not a man for you at all! He takes life like a big fun. It is funny to play a game "we are family" if in a real life we are free to quit whenever we are bored! So my advice is start to respect yourself and your life because life is too short to be wasted by waiting on someone to grow up! You deserve more.;)
Lucia