[kay13]

I guess I just have a mixture of feelings, sadness mixed with anger. This time last year we were dating, then in the space of 8 short months he meets someone and gives her everything that I ever wanted. He told me he would never marry again as I'd put him off women for life.

I know he never wanted a family and so when our son came along unexpectedly he felt pressured into marriage, yet this marriage seems like a bit of a fairytale.


His behaviour seems bizarre and out of character, maybe I never really knew him at all.

[grammadidi]

Kay, I have come and read the thread as you requested. There are so many thoughts running around in my head. I can see that you are still having a difficult time letting go. I guess the big question that you need to ask yourself is why? You claim it is because you love him, but I don't see that at all. You claim he kept dangling a carrot, but whatever could that be? He told you that he would never marry again because you had put him off women for life! Sounds like there was more to the breakup than your pregnancy.

Regardless, he has made a life for himself without you, and you need to do the same. Forgive me, but from what I have read, I just don't see you making the effort to move on. You have been divorced, 10 or 11 years now? How many men have you dated in that time? Is it possible that the reason you hang on to this romantized version of your ex is because you are AFRAID to move on?

I know what it is like to love someone so bad that it hurts. I know what it is like to lose that person. You will never replace the love that you had with your ex, but you have both grown, aged, changed over the years - and you have done it in different ways because you have been apart. Sadly, you are emotionally where you were ten years ago. In order to grow past that you must take risks. It's funny, you know. As I read your posts I am quite sure about one thing. You don't even LIKE your ex!! You love what he WAS, not what he is.

I think that not having contact was a good move for now. Hopefully you will move beyond that, partly for the sake of your children and partly for you. I am afraid that one day your son's anger may transfer back to you for not moving on. I am really afraid of the messages you are sending to your daughter. She is getting close to dating age. What happens if she feels there is only one guy in her life that she can love? What happens to her when her first 'love' ends things with her? Have you modelled to her that the best way to deal with a broken heart is to fill it up again? (Maybe you have, I don't know. I am not attacking, but wondering.)

You know there is more than one person out there that you can love. You also know that there are many, many men that could fall in love with you. So, what are you waiting for gal?? Are you just so afraid to love that it is immobilizing you?

Even if you never fall in love again, you need to realize that these feelings for this man are not truly for who and what he is now. You are mourning... grieving his loss, but you have been doing so for over 10 years! I think it's time to bury him. You are allowed to be happy, you know! Let go of your fears, guilt and insecurities and start to live.

It might be a real valuable thing for you to see a therapist and explore what it is that you are afraid of that is so very bad that you cling to something that no longer exists. I believe that you are going through most of the motions, and that is good. However, they are just motions. How about taking some risks?

Just a thought - have you experienced any other losses that made you grieve this long or hard? There may be a connection.

Good luck to you hon. I see you have a tremendous amount of support here, and that's good. I have also seen, while reading the thread that you are allowing a little more of you sadness and anger out - another positive sign. Maybe you are afraid of being angry? I do hope you can figure it out because you sound like such an intelligent, caring, loving, thoughtful person. You deserve to be loved to pieces by someone special. I hope you find it, but, more than anything, I hope you find peace with this situation.

Hugs,
Didi

[kay13]

Hi didi, thanks for taking time to reply.

I guess there was more to it than my pregnancy. I fell pregnant within 12 months of meeting him, he claimed he never wanted children but he never wanted to be responsible for contraception either, I had a bad reaction to the pill and hey presto, one baby on the way.
Shortly before our son was born I lost my father unexpectedly, I was unable to attend his funeral as he was buried on the day our son was born, I can honestly say I've never overcome that loss. At the time my hubby wasn't too supportive, telling me that crying wouldn't bring him back and I had to pull myself together. My mom and sister were mourning too and I developed post-natal depression, it was a dark time indeed.

When I fell pregnant the second time, it was his excuse to get out, he wanted to live the single life anyway and he knew having two children would restrict him. The reason he was so bitter about it is because he thought we would sell the house and have half the proceeds each, but the judge awarded it to me, and for that he has never forgiven me.

All that to one side, as the why's and wherefore's are no longer relevant, you are right in saying that I don't like my ex and I'm afraid to move forward, and this is what has held me back. Loving someone means putting your heart at risk. It sounds so foolish really, so obvious, yet people hurt everyday and survive.
I guess now I have to be prepared to take that risk, because what am I waiting for? I think I have a funeral to arrange. :D Thank you to everyone who has contributed to this post, you really have seen me through the most desperate of times, without you there would be no light at the end of the tunnel. X

[Shad07]

I know I don't have so much experience in life,but still I will advice you to live for your child and forget about him and continue your normal live,I know it's hard but still thnk for your child now

[chuff]

I remember this like it was 3 years ago.