[dairymanterry]

Hello,

My wife had an affair with a guy before we got marriage. She confessed to it a month after we got married. She had a physical affair with him for 2 years.

Although she revealed it to me and she felt sad, cried, I was totally moved.

It makes me feel terrible and I'am unable to feel happy in her presence. When ever she talks good kind words, or even in the bed, I get the feeling that she already spoke the same words to another guy. Etc

What shall I do? Sometimes, I don't feel like talking to her, and she immediately knows that I'm upset because I remembered her past.

Please advice.

I feel terrible and very sad. Unable to be happy.

Thanks
Terry

[shazamataz]

This was definitely somehing that she should have revealed to you before you got married.
I can understand her line of thought, "don't tell him until after we are married because he will be less likely to leave me"

It was going on for 2 years.
One time might be forgivable for me but 2 whole years worth I could not look past.

In my opinion I would be putting some serious thought into this, I would not be staying with her, married or not.

If you do want to make it work then you need to go to counseling together to see if you can work past it.

[dairymanterry]

Hello,

When ever I bring up the topic, she starts crying..

Says, she's done the mistake and she's repenting for it.

And she says, if I want her, then I should accept both positive and negative aspects in her life.

She's not ready to talk to a counselor about this.

[ISneezeFunny]

If you want her, you should be able to take the good AND the bad? I guess cheating is the BAD... but... I don't think they had the whole, "I should take you and keep you because you cheated on me" deal... must be a new thing.

It seems like she's afraid of what you'll say/do if you two DO talk about it, and is trying to avoid the topic by just crying and telling you that she feels bad.

Well, tough cookies. SHE feels bad? What about you? I think you should sit her down and tell her how YOU feel about it, without her interrupting by crying. Ask her for 15 minutes of her time, no interruptions, just let you speak your mind... and afterwards, she can say whatever she feels. But like shazamataz said, 2 years is a heck of a long time to have an "oops" moment. You should seriously take some time off on your own and give it some thought, and figure out what you want to do, then approach her.

[redhed35]

Why she felt the need to tell you,I don't know.. she must have known how you would react.
Relieving herself of the guilt.
She's not the person you thought you were marrying,2 YEARS! Honestly,say that out loud,while you were dating,arranging the wedding,she was with someone else.

She owes you to go to counselling.
She put this on you,she did this.

And she's not ready to deal with the problems that she has caused!

Some self reflection is called for,now its time for YOU to decide what YOUR going to do.

[Jake2008]

Hello,

My wife had an affair with a guy before we got marriage. she confessed to it a month after we got married. she had a physical affair with him for 2 years.

Although she revealed it to me and she felt sad, cried, i was totally moved.

it makes me feel terrible and i'am unable to feel happy in her presence. when ever she talks good kind words, or even in the bed, i get the feeling that she already spoke the same words to another guy. etc

what shall i do? sometimes, i don't feel like talking to her, and she immediately knows that im upset becuase i remembered her past.

please advice.

i feel terrible and very sad. unable to be happy.

thanks
terry

During the time she had a relationship with another man, were you two engaged?

Was this an arranged marriage?

Were you two intimate as well during this two year period before you got married?

If you were engaged to be married, and she cheated on you right up until the time you married her, then that is an entirely different story.

More detail please!

[DoulaLC]

The onus is on her to help you rebuild the trust in your relationship. She simply has to be willing to be open and honest about things with you. Not that you have to constantly drill her about what happened, what she said, etc. there is a point of dredging it up over and over and just continuing your pain that becomes nonproductive.

The answers to Jake's questions may help you decide if you will even be able to rebuild the trust, or if you will even want to try.

[s_cianci]

I'm a little confused by what you're calling an "affair" since it happened before you were married. A key question is, how long before you were married did it happen. Did this go on while you were engaged? Or did it happen before you even met her? If it's the former, then you've got a problem. But if it's the latter, then you need to get over it and remember that you did your own share of "sweet talking under the covers" before you met this woman who is now your wife.

[jenniepepsi]

I can give you a simple, short answer.

Counseling.

This relationship isn't lost. She is obviously feeling remorse, and wants to make it work with you. She deserves another chance.

But at the same time, you deserve the right to expect that she needs to EARN your trust back.

It's a painfull situation to be in (my husband cheated on me DURING our marriage, and we have worked through it)
But its not impossible.

Good luck hon.

[Gemini54]

I'm not sure if you mean that she had a 2 year sexual relationship before you met, or whether she was cheating on you for 2 years while you were together?

If it's the first then you probably need to accept that she's had previous experience and get on with your marriage. I'm assuming that you went into the marriage believing that she was sexually inexperienced and it is this which is bothering you. It may be that you would both benefit from some counseling or talking with a respected elder to try and work through some of the unhappiness.

If it's the second then it's much more difficult and I would be very concerned about the future of the marriage with this depth of betrayal. Yes, you may again benefit from counseling, but to begin a marriage in this way will taint it for the rest of your lives.

In either case, why don't you talk to someone that you can trust and get a different perspective before you make a decision about what to do.

[N0help4u]

Some of the messed up things in life that we do often end up making us stronger and more sure of what we do want. Forgive her and be thankful that you have a wife that chose you.
Make it about the here and now not dwelling in the past.
She may be all the more sure that it is you she loves. She picked you over the other guy.
Many girls get married and do not have a past and end up feeling they were deprived and want to dump the marriage 'to go find themselves'
So your wife had a past, now it is time to leave it in the past.
Forgive her and move on WITH her.

Most of my advances were by mistake. You uncover what is when you get rid of what isn't.
R Buckminster Fuller quote

[khaksaar]

Hi I'm new to this site... I replied to your Question but it is deleted... they say it's DELETED FOR CHAT... I don't know why... can anyone tell me??

[DoulaLC]

hi i'm new to this site............ i replied to ur Question but it is deleted............ they say it's DELETED FOR CHAT........i don't know why .......... can n e one tell me??????????????????

It may have been the way you wrote your response. Be sure to write words out and not as if you were "texting"... for example: "n e one" should be anyone. It helps everyone who reads the thread to better understand what is being said... :)

[ncsm88]

Separate immediately. Obviously, she was in love with the other guy and married you because you are more finanically stable. Don't be a loser, for all you know, you could be raising someone else's kid down the road. There are plently of girls out there. Don't get stuck in the situation.

[Rich11111]

More details seriously needed, if you were together/engaged when she was seeing this man then I say divorce, I personally could never forgive someone and definitely never trust someone after a two year affair.
One night could be a slip, but two years is a planned betrayal.
I also agree that her crying/refusing to see a counselor is her way of avoiding talking about it.

[N0help4u]

Yeah if the 'affair' was for two years during their being together that could be a problem.

How long have you been married?
I think if she has been faithful since your marriage then she choose you over the other guy and is trying to make it work with you so some credit is due to her.

More details would be helpful

[rahluraj]

Hello

I think its really IMP to sit and discuss the issue at length with her...
From what ever you have quoted I don't know what was the status of their relationship was it serious and that they wanted to get married but for some reason couldn't or was is it that they always knew the end very well.
If the earlier case is right then she desrves a second chance as there was some positive intention behind the whole thing.
Whatever is the case the earlier you try and get over it the better its for you!