[Genuin]

Hey, I am a 20 year old boy that is really struggling emotionally! Sorry in advance, this will be a little long but I would really appreciate that you read the whole thing and that you maybe could give me some advice, and that you could understand my situation!:

For about a month ago I found out my girlfriend (she was going to fill 21 in a couple of days) cheated on me... It took me totally by surprise, and I never thought she was the person that could ever do something like that to me! We had been together for about 1.7 years! Throughout our whole relationship we've always had a long-distance relationship! 1 hour by plane and 9 hours by car to get to each other! And we tried seeing each other at least 2 times a month, or on vacations or whenever we both had free from work or school! She is one of the most unique and fantastic persons I have ever met, and she is the first girl I've ever had so strong feelings for! Like all relationships we had our up's and downs, we fought alooot, but never anything serious! And when things were good, they were REALLY good!

One day a friend of hers asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join her to Brazil for 4 months! Me being at school and had work I had to attend to, I couldn't join! I hated the thought of her being so far away from me for that long, but I knew this was something she always had wanted, and I didn't want to be a burden to her, so I let her go to Brazil! I also thought this would be a good test on our relationship, if we survived this, we could survive anything, and besides maybe she would learn to not be as dependent on me! I trusted her 100%, and I am a person with trust issues, I don't trust anyone in my life 100%, and I've felt betrayal and failure way too much in my life! That's why it took me like 3 months in the relationship before I figured out that I really could trust this person! Besides, in the beginning we had this huge conversation about cheating, and we both agreed that it would never be tolerated, and that we would do everything to prevent something like that happening! We also promised each other that if anything like that would ever happen we both would say it to each other! I remember her saying that she would never be able to keep something like that hidden from me!

The first month went really well! We didn't call each other as often as everyday but we called each other at least a couple of times a week! And we had regular contact through mails, webcams and Facebook! After some time, our contact got rarer and rarer! There were even times where I called her... and she wouldn't call me back before the day after! I also noticed a lot of the times I called her, she seemed distracted and often it felt like she didn't really wanted to talk with me! I didn't think too much about it though, I just thought she was having so much fun and prob was to busy most of the times! And besides we were still having regular contact, just not as often!

When she came back from Brazil I started to notice changes in her personality, and not to mention our sex-life! The sex was horrible to tell you the truth! I felt like she was another place when we were doing it... Our habit of calling each other everyday hadn't changed, but now, most of the times the conversations would only last a couple of minutes, and she seemed busy all the time! Only when we called each other at night did I feel like she was really there when we were talking! I started to think that maybe our love and passion had started to vanish! I started thinking that maybe we needed a little break from each other! I visited her, to confront her about what I was feeling! But I wanted to wait to the last day I was there to take up the topic! To see if we still had the love! The time I was there she seemed so different, and she would get annoyed by me for nothing, and she would space out at times! She basically didn't treat me very good, so when she had one of her space outs I confronted her! We both agreed of taking a break from each other! Just to find out what we both wanted to do after the summer, and if our love had vanished! We both cried like hell!

I still had 4 days left before I had to leave and we decided I would stay there for as long as we had planned! Suddenly, we were having as fun as we used to before she left to Brazil! And the sex was better than ever... it was truuue passion! I know... it's weird, we had agreed on having a break, but we still felt attracted to each other! I noticed she still had times where she would space out, and acting all weird on me! And first now it hit me... that it had to be another person she had met in Brazil for her sudden changes in personality and mood swinging! I asked if there was another person involved, and she said no every time! I asked her like 3 times face to face, eye to eye! I knew her to well, and I knew she wasn't being completely honest with me! I've always known her Facebook and e-mail password! I had not found any sms' on her phone so I tried checking her Facebook! Nothing there! I tried her e-mail, and she had suddenly changed her password! I thought this was really weird! She had also started to be on msn... which she never used to use before... So now I got even more suspicious! I asked her once again, if there maybe was another dude in the picture, and she still said no! Fustrated, I said I knew there was something she wasn't telling so I found out a way to hack her e-mail... and there the same name kept popping up over and over again! I read the e-mails the 2 of them had written to each other! In short it stood things like, I love u, I don't regret our time we had together, I miss you etc! This just broke me down completely, and I felt betrayed, deceived and like the biggest fool in the world!

Still I kept my face up, and asked her again if there was another person in the picture! She said no... so I started a little mind game with her, seeing how far she would take this lie... I came up with the story that I had chatted with this guy on her msn... and she said that it was this guy that had had a crush on her... but that nothing had happened! I felt like such a fool... because if I hadn't read those e-mails I would have totally believed her!
I couldn't contain my rage anymore and I said I knew everything! She burst out in tears... saying it was never something that was supposed to happen... but it just did! She had fallen for a guy there, and the relationship had lasted about 2 months! She said it was nothing physical... but I just don't (still don't believe her)! And that she didn't have as strong feeling towards me as she used to! We talked all that night and it ended up with us having the best sex we had ever had! And the next day I took the first plane out of there!

Besides everything that she did to me... I just couldn't keep up the anger I had felt for her! She is and most probably will be the best thing that has ever happened to me! She is one of the sweetest and most innocent girls you would ever meet! And when I look back at things I see how hard she was struggling to keep this from me! All-in-all she just didn'tt want to see me hurt! And I felt some kind of sympathy and understanding for her actions! So I forgave her, and we decided to still be friends! Because she was still one of the most important people in my life, and I just couldn't take the feeling of cutting her out of my life for good!

It has only been a month since all of this has happened, but 2 weeks ago she said to me she had been to a party and gotten really drunk! And she had made out with this guy! She said she was so drunk that she just wasn't able to say no... Me still grieving over what had happened just couldn't see how her head could already be at such a state! Since she had 2 guys she was getting over... and I got very angry at her for being so immature about the whole situation! A part of me was also very hurt, thinking that she had already gotten over me... So I said to her that I really needed more time... and that she of all people should take things more slow... What she did was so unlike her... and I started thinking if I really knew her at all anymore... and if I can really trust her at all... Because she had changed, she even said so herself... and I really don't know if I like the person she has become! She has become so immature, so selfish... and I just don't feel like she has thought enough about how much she hurt me! I know she regrets that I got hurt... but the fact is... I don't think she regrets meeting this other person, and what she did was so wroooong! And I just don't see a point in staying friends with a person that dissrespects me so much!

It would be a whole nother situation if we lived in the same town, with the same friends... but the truth is we only have a few friends in common, in both our cities... and we won't meet each other before a looooong time! So should I stay friends with her? Is there any point? Or am I only torturing myself by still keeping contact with her? I feel like she is such a unique person that I don't want her out of my life for good! And the fact is that I will never meet any girl like her! She was my first real love, and my first real relationship, and she will always have a special place in my heart! But I don't know if I have the strength to cut her off my life permanently! This is the only person I've ever opened myself to, the only person that see's me for me, the only person that really knows me... It's just that I feel like she did the biggest mistake in her life... and what we had was really special! Because... I feel like if we had at least lived in the same city... nothing of this would ever have happened! We had no real problems till she went to Brazil! And we were even planning on living together after the summer! I just feel like in another time and circumstances, this is the person that would had been the one for me! It was the long-distance that destroyed us... and I know our love would have stayed as strong as it was in the beginning before she went to Brazil! Because she would never cheat on me as long as I was really there! If u know what I mean! Because we were both so mad in love!

But all that lying behind my back... do I stay friends with her? And if we decide to stay friends... how should our relationship be! How often do we keep in contact? I just don't know if I can ever trust her again... if she really is a person I want a friendship with! A person I want in my life! Because she couldn't have done anything worse to me than what she did! But still I feel so much compassion for her! And I am just worried that if I cut her out my life she will keep doing the same mistakes, not thinking that what she is doing has consequences, and never learning from her mistakes! That's why I'm having a hard time with this... because I'm over her... I really am, but I don't feel like she has learned anything by what she did when she decided to fool around with this other guy so soon after we ended things... It's like she just spat everything we had in the face! I just don't want her bo such a person! My senses tells me to just stop all contact with her... but my heart says that she needs me in my life! I need her in my life! I will never get back together with her ever again... but I miss her friendship so muuuuch, her friends, us just hanging and having fun! I just don't want it all to end... And I don't know if I have the strength to do it either!

How do you fully get over a person you are so used being away from? I don't have that close friends! I have alooot of friends in my life... but so few can understand what I'm going through... We are a gang that doesn't really talk about our feelings! And those I can talk to are always busy... or when I try talking with them... they compare their own experiences more than they are hearing my feelings out! I just don't feel like they are really there for me... and the one person that I could really confide in, the one person that takes the time hearing me out, that I know has my feelings in focus 100%, I can't talk with... because she is the reason why I'm feeling how I feel!

I just have all these new feelings all bottled up inside of me... and I've sendt some messages to my (now ex-girlfriend) of how I feel about the situation... but she said that she needs more time... and that whatever she sends back to me, I will not be fully satisfied with the answer she sends me! And that is kind of true... but I also feel that If I got a response from her, that came from the heart, I would be able to go on with my life... and maybe keeping her as a friend! Am I doing all this wrong? Do I need to wait more before we try and be friends? I just feel like the longer I wait... the more I won't get a real explanation from her! I just feel so alone... and don't know what to do!

I'm doing very good... from time to time... but I have this breakdowns... where I feel so much anger for her, and that I want an explanation... just want to know how she feels, what she feels, so that I just can get on with my life! Because every time I've brought it up... she has rejected my feelings... saying we need more time! BUT I NEED TO HEAR HER OUT BEFORE I FEEL I CAN FULLY GET OVER THE WHOLE SITUATION! I know there will be other girls... and I know girls find me attractive... there are so many other fishes in the sea, but I know I will never have the friendship we both had together! So does she really deserve my friendship! Because nothing she has done has proven to me that she deserves it!

[artlady]

My senses tells me to just stop all contact with her... but my heart says that she needs me in my life! I need her in my life! I will never get back together with her ever again... but I miss her friendship so muuuuch,

To protect yourself from more pain you do need to listen to what your head is telling you.

She will survive without you and you will survive without the friendship.

It is hard to let go of because it is something you have depended on for sometime and it is difficult to just go cold turkey.She is like that comfortable old security blanket that you can't pry out of a child's hands.It takes maturity and strength to let it go.

You are still too invested in her emotionally to be friends without getting all caught up in the past and your overwhelming emotions.

You may never know her reasons for straying and she may not know her reasons for straying.
People often just do things without any forethought,it is just a spontaneous reaction to the feeling of the moment.
Waiting for an explanation is futile,you may never have one and if you do it may not be what you want to hear.

You need to let this go and concentrate your efforts on healing from your grief.That is where you should be placing your energy,not on trying to resurrect something that is dead.
It is a lost cause.

[Torrid13]

Going through her personal accounts wasn't a good thing to do, even if she did cheat on you. You kept mentioning how you have a hard time trusting others, but why should she trust you if all you're going to do is snoop around her personal information? Eh, I don't know.

Anyway, go on with your life. You and her aren't going to work anymore, and you need time to heal. Good luck.

[talaniman]

This is so over, and it's a waste of time, even trying to talk to her, or get her to say what you want.

Much better to leave her alone forever, and just vanish from her life, lick your wounds, and get up, and regroup, and rebuild your life.

Anything else is beating a dead horse, as this relationship is dead, kaput, over. Walk away, and keep your dignity and self respect, as you need nothing from her any more. Put this behind you.

[romeo2901]

Hey dude I really cried by reading your story right now m also in the same stage my girlfriend she is in UK she is changed a lot from last 3 months now I come to know that she is love with another guy by her face book emails because I have her id and password she had given long back she thinks I do know her password now tell me what to do I saw some the pics of her with that guy . M really feeling bad m feeling like same the biggest fool in the world tell me dude what do now she think that I don't know any thing about that guy... I just feeling like to do suicide...

[talaniman]

Stay off her Facebook Romeo, that's pure torture for you.

[Missy359]

I can understand that hurt. Time heals wounds. It sounds like she has lost respect for you. You need to break it off for your own good. Every time your heart breaks a scab will grow and that makes you a little less trusting of the real love you will some day meet. Also, I highly recommend that you don't have sex before marriage. To have sex outside of marriage has heavy consequences of the heart. Save yourself for your wife. You will be able to trust more if you both wait. I am glad that I waited. Sex outside of marriage just makes more scabs on the heart and trust issues, etc. Turn your heart toward the Lord Jesus Christ. Confess your sins and get right with God. God has a wonderful wife for you if you will get your life right with him. We can all be selfish, but it is the Lordship of Jesus Christ that any spouse has to rely on to fight against the sins of selfishness.