[dogsled]

I will try and make this simple. Me 55, my wife 54. Me no kids, she 3 adult kids 19, 20, 25I am her 4th husband. This is my second marriage. We have been married 6 years.

When we met she had been divorced since 1995 from a Physician. She was married to him for 10 years. Prior to that she was married twice at a very young age and they did not last. I think her issues have been lifelong depression related to a large degree.

She was living with a guy for a few years before we met but he was a flake in the end and she ended the relationship. One of her friends, Mark introduced them Mark will be central to this discussion in a bit.

After we met she wanted me to help her with her cell phone bills, back in the day where there were a million packages. Thought nothing more of it. By the way I have an almost photographic memory when it comes to numbers.

Several years into our marriage, I discovered she had an e-mail address that was her old e-mail, not her new married name one. She left it open one night and there was a guy e-mailing her as though she was not married, and yet he kniew she was. He would ask her to meet for "adult beverages" and once asked to meet her for a "re-union" at a local Marriot. I got suspicions, but instead of bringing it up, tried to become a spy and put a GPS in her car.

One day while I was doing some work for HER family, she goes over to this guys house for 3 hours. He was newly divorced and a multi-millionaire. I also put a tape recorder in her car. Long story short I was livid and brought it up. This was probably the wrong move as I should have kept my temper. Any way, she realized that I must have had some kind of tracking device in her car and found it. So I became the bad guy not her.

Previously she explained that this person was just a long time friend, which was partially true, but here is the Number part. On her phone bill, before we met they used to call each other 15-20 times a day, early in the morning at work etc. So I knew he was more than a friend. She finally admitte that she saw him before we were married and that had a sexual involvement for 8 months or so. He was separated at the time. I was very uncomfortable with the whole deal.

I put another tracking device in her car, and they would meet for lunch often, but I never really caught her at anything, just became very suspicious and jealous. She said I could not tell her who her friends should be and she never did anything wrong. I did not tell her that I had recorded a conversation in her car between the two, when she left his place. He asked her when he could see her again and she said "on Friday nights when my husband is out of town." Those words stuck forever.

Needless to say I got busted again when she found the second tracking device and a tape recorder. So now she does not truse me. I blew over eventually when the guy moved away to another state. However, he keeps e-mailing her now at work and asks to meet her in Vegas etc. spring break whatever. She just tells me she never responds and that is just the kind of guy he is.

While I was worried about him, it turns out that I find out she meets this OTHER guy, her best friend from above, they meet at a shopping center and they drive away in his car to get lunch. This guy is newly married and all I know is they would go out to eat. ONce though, while his wife was out of town they did go to his house for a few hours. They would call each other once a week or so. She never tried to cover up his phone calls.

About three years ago his wife called our house and demanded that my wife stop seeing him. I never said I knew about it because I did not think anything was going on, but could never prove it either way. They did stop all contact with each other and I am 100% sure of this.

Back to the millionaire guy. A few months ago he had a friend die who lived here. He e-mailed my wife and said he was going to Houston, you only live once in life, why does she not meet him there for a few days?? I got pissed again, lost my cool. Of course I had to reveal that I had her work e-mail which she did not know. I also, had this guy's e-mail password. Again, I became wrong because I was spying on her, and she said nothing ever happened. I told her it was at the least inappropriate.

Now to the worst... I put a very very hidden gps in her car, and she ends up going to her friends house (the one whose wife told them to break it off) for hours, and hours. I got upset again confronted her, and of course had to reveal I had a third gps. They also went to lunch a couple of times and she did go by his place for a few hours each time.

Needless to say she was totally livid that I was spying on her again. THE WORST PART is yet to come... Why did she go over there to see him. Turns out his wife died of skin cancer, and this is for real. I felt really bad of course and now have become the total bad guy in all this.

From her standpoint she feels I had no reason to ever be upset, jealous or suspicious because never did anything wrong. A few weeks ago I put a recorder in her car to see what is really going on and it seems like they are just friends, but I am still uncomfortable.

They have been seeing each other every other week or so for lunch. She has not told me and I know because I have a 4th gps in her car which she will never discover. She still says they are friends nothing more. She has told him about some of these goings on (not about the other millionaire guy though oddly).

I ran into her friend the other day at the grocery store, and he says, they are nothing but friends, not to worry, and that romance ruins friendships.

What do I make of all of this. She almost threw me out because she says I have always over reacted. Maybe I have. I have told her she should have told the millionaire guy in no uncertain terms that she was happily married, and for him not to be in contact with her anymore. She again says I cannot tell her who her friends are.

What do you all think?

[N0help4u]

One thing for sure is your being your own detective saves you a bundle you would be paying a detective agency.

It is very possible that they are friends and nothing more. I have a lot of guy friends I hang out with and have never even kissed.
I don't think it is right for your wife to be going with these guys behind your back.
If I want to be with a guy friend I say I am going to RJ's bar (or where ever) and shoot a game of pool with Jimmy (or who ever) and I add, ''You want to come along?''

Ask her what she would feel if you decide to get a few girl friends to hang out with.

[talaniman]

Any one you have to keep tabs on, as much as you have, doesn't need to be in your life. I would have been gone, as you have enough evidence for 3 or 4 episodes of "Cheaters"

Hmmm, that may be a career move for you, your good.

[Jake2008]

So, you are determined to prove that your wife is unfaithful. And with this proof, what is the goal, divorce?

With so much cloak and dagger stuff going on, did you ever stop to think there might be other ways of going about proving your theories?

If you have suspicions and are going to such extremes, I see this as a dangerous game. For you, one GPS is not enough, you are on the 4th one now? With your temper, what happens if you locate her at a Mariot, and confront her. Knock out the boyfriend, have a screaming fit with your wife?

Do you hide behind plants too?

This behaviour of mistrust, no meaningful communication, and paranoia, is ridiculous.

I would not trust you one iota if you planted recording devices and GPS tracking in my car. Not for one second would I trust you. You'd be gone, and there would be legal action.

How do you expect what you are doing to solve your marital problems. Please explain that to me because I see no good whatsoever in what you are doing. It will not promote honest communication, trust, fidelity, nothing. It will only drive her further and further away.

Think about what you are doing, and what you want to accomplish. Do you love her. Do you love her enough to seek outside help before this goes too far, i.e. marriage counselling. Is she willing to give up these men she keeps having lunch with, and concentrate on how her behaviour has affected you. Both of you seem to really have a toxic thing going on here, and I cannot understand maintaining this relationship as it is.

If you can take a hyatus from your stand, and she can stop communication with her 'friends' for an agreed upon period, is it realistically possible that the two of you could come to some truce, in order to get your relationship back to a possible level of trust again? Is that worthy of consideration?

I find your behaviour threatening in nature, and just my opinion here, I see no useful purpose to treat anyone this way.

What's the point? You need to prove what exactly, for what purpose?

Anybody can do what you do, you are nowhere near being admired by me for your 'skills' in the sleuthing department.

[Homegirl 50]

I think your wife is either cheating or has no respect for you or your marriage.
Married people don't do things like that. Men don't call your wife and say meet me in... unless there is something going on.
And you following her around like that, what do you need to see? You don't trust her and she doesn't care.
Dissolve the marriage!

[N0help4u]

Yeah the meet me in... looked very suspicious to me. If they were only friends it would be more like an casual ''I'll see you around'' or ''If you are going to the concert too we could sit together''

[makapuu]

Maybe your wife thinks she is in an "open marriage". Are you going to divorce her if she continues to have sex with other men? If not, then I guess all you can do is live with it, or do the same.

[dogsled]

I did not know how to respond to peoples comments.

Here are the confusing parts.

She calls her friend "the one whose wife died" on her cell phone, and never deletes the calls from the phone, so she knows if I look there are there. Catch 22, if I ask her anyway then she feels I am spying on her.

She said she would agree to tell me if she was going to see him for lunch etc, which would be OK, but the other day, Wednesday she did not. She went somewhere with him. SHe parked her car at her place. They were in his house just minute and drove off in his truck, where I do not know.

She has never gone out at night, never dressed up any differently than normal, never makes calls from our home phone. She has never come home from somewhere and then jumped in the shower.

So maybe I just need to let it go, and realize that I will drive myself crazy. If someone wants to have an affair you cannot stop them.

We have argued about this a lot and she says she just has to get over me not trusting her, and that she needs time to heal. She is angry, I thing understandibly because I told her I was not following her etc, and got busted after I told her.

I have some hard times dealing with the fact that actually she is the one who was busted, and I just acted on my suspicions.

[Homegirl 50]

I think you have reason to not trust your wife. She has done some very suspicious stuff. If you don't trust her leave her, Don't stoop to sneaking around and don't allow her to make you feel like a villain because you don't trust her.

[Jake2008]

So despite monitoring her phone calls, putting 4 GPS devices in her car, following her, you have also managed to get access to her work email, and the password and email of her work friend.

You sneak around looking for trouble, think you find it, only to find out you have proof of nothing only to turn around and do it all over again.

And, as I asked before, the purpose of proving these theories of yours is what again?

I think she is really tolerant of your ridiculous behaviour.

Why not invest some time and effort in marriage counselling, or is that a waste of your time, and you'd rather be off doing the 007 thing.

Have you always been so suspicious of people? Do you honestly think that you can put your theories aside, and work on your marriage? Do you want to stay married? Do you love her? Is she willing to attend counselling?

You say you don't know how to respond to people's comments that have been left for you in good faith. Just what do you choose not to respond to. Are you rather looking for confirmation that your behaviour is OK even when reality and common sense should be telling you that you (and your wife) need to get into counselling with an impartial third party and try to build trust and respectful boundaries to save your marriage?

This behaviour of yours borders on pathological in my humble opinion. It is totally creepy, and out of whack with any form of meaningful communication with your wife.

I still say, drop the cloak and dagger stuff, and think seriously about what it is you are trying to accomplish, and more importantly, why.

Do you want to keep the marriage going? All of these questions you've been asked through the posts are relevant. Why do you ignore them.

[dogsled]

I am 50/50 on this.

She did not tell me she was married three times before until after we were married. She only told me she was only married once.

You however, do need your privacy, and you have to be trusted by your spouse and vice versa.

I am not normally the suspicious type, but she kept her old e-mail after we got married and communicated with her millionaire friend very regularly, and his conversation was always meet me somehere when I am in town, can you meet me in Scottsdale, etc... of course me never there.

I personally would not go to lunch or out with a female friend. It does not just seem right.

[88sunflower]

What a crazy situation. I do agree with Jake in everything she says. You need to stop the spying. Your spending more time and money on trying to find her cheating, then you are on her and your marriage. Take that money your wasting and buy her some flowers, dinner, a movie, jelwery. I don't know but your just making yourself crazy it seems. You seem like your not going to stop until you find her cheating. Like you want it to happen almost. Focus on her and your marriage. Your pushing her away doing these stalker things.
As for her, well I do think she is wrong. I think it is a bit fishy how she acts. If she is only friends with these men why can't you be involved? Why is it a separate thing from the marriage? I agree with the others she should not be doing this. Your both driving each other away from the marriage and should be focusing on it instead.
You need to sit her down and talk about this with her. Maybe her actions is why she has been married 4 times, but maybe not. Find out where this is going with her and if she isn't willing to involve you with these friends then maybe she should find a 5th husband. I see you continuing to spy like a stalker and her meeting her friends like she does. It has to stop.

[Jake2008]

I don't think anybody is saying Dogsled, that you don't have valid points, and reason to be concerned.

I would be suspicious if my husband had anything questionable that I found out about, phone calls, messages etc. But, I wouldn't track him with GPS, or go to the lengths you have to find 'the truth', because that is terribly invasive and most likely undeserved.

Sunflower has said try different approaches. Take her out for lunch, dinner, have some fun together, work on your relationship. It will become apparent soon enough if she is in fact messing around on you.

Enlist the help of a counsellor so you can figure out how to communicate with her. If she is doing anything, you may have played a part in this by pushing her away with your insecurities. What may have been an innocent lunch with a friend, has turned into a safe haven from your accusations, and spying.

If you keep this up, you won't have a marriage in my opinion. No matter what is wrong, you cannot blame her if the marriage falls apart, and you've done nothing constructive to address the issues. Those being communication and trust.

She needs to be able to tell you the truth, and you have to listen. You need to tell her why you are suspicious, and you need to listen. The two of you have to set some reasonable boundaries for privacy that you can both live with. She doesn't need to be tracked, recorded and spied on, and you don't need to feel that you have to do so in order to prove a point.

Please set aside some time and seek out an unbiased third party to address your concerns. If all fails and you cannot reconcile your differences, you need to move on, find your own way with a more compatible mate, and leave the past, in the past.

[N0help4u]

Yeah I think if I over heard my boyfriend talking about meeting up with a girl I would right that day say ''I was thinking of us going to {somewhere your wife can't pass up} tonight.

If she makes excuses that she can't then you know where you stand.

[88sunflower]

I think everyone agrees you should put your energy in to the marriage and your wife and spending your time with her. Stop spending your time on her and tracking her every move. You would know her every move if you spent more time and effort on her. At this point it sounds as though your driving her away and if you keep it up, one day it may be to late.

[s_cianci]

I think the handwriting's on the wall. I very rarely say this but your saving grace is that there are no children involved and presumably not too many marital assets. It'd be a pretty simple thing to end it under no-fault laws. Hopefully she won't marry a 5th. And I'd think long and hard about marrying a 3rd.

[daveswoman4life]

It definitely sounds like she is up to something and it can't be good. My husband keeps a close eye on me to. And it drives me nuts. But I know he loves me and is just very overprotective of me. Although I haven't really given him a reason not to trust me. I did have guy friends just like your wife does. But when I got married my husband is my only male friend. I don't have any reason to want to hang out with any other guy friends and neither should your wife. I would be very suspisious. Talk to her. Maybe talk about marriage counseling

[edenwoods]

Wow, this sounds like a tricky comment to reply to but, I will make this quick [/B] NO. of course not. Girls can have boy friends just like you, can have girl friends