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nept34 · Jun 30, 2009, 10:55 AM

Hello all,
My lady friend and I broke up about 2 months ago (she initiated it) after a 3 year relationship, claiming she needed a little space. Although I pleaded with her for maybe one day, I let her know after that I would provide her all the space and time she needs. I did so, and we have been largely out of contact since the breakup. Very recently, she contacted me a few times 'just to talk', and finally, to actually hang out . I did so without hopes, and friendship in mind; but I received some pretty strong signals that she is interested again. I have thought it over, and would be happy to try again with her if she is willing.

A few details about these 'signals'... well, she repeatedly asked how I was doing with the breakup (she changed to this subject multiple times during conversation). She revealed she has been sad about our separation. She became physically close a couple of times. Finally, she kissed me on the cheek, although she appeared slightly unsure about this. I write here for advice on how to proceed; how should I interpret, and more importantly, react to these signals in a way that doesn't scare her away, but shows mutual interest? Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read/help out with this.

kctiger · Jun 30, 2009, 11:00 AM

Communicate with her... it's pretty simple. Ask her how she feels, ask her out for coffee, you know, do the whole "talking it out" thing. Trying to read into things is a one way track to confusion.

I wish · Jun 30, 2009, 11:13 AM

She was your girlfriend for 3 years. I'm sure you guys must have had a good communication system going on. You don't need to guess her intentions. Just ask her directly. Just don't forget to let her know how you feel.

nept34 · Jun 30, 2009, 12:24 PM

Would you say that a logical step would be to schedule a meeting, and tell her that her actions are confusing me about her feelings?

I wish · Jun 30, 2009, 12:28 PM

Don't accuse her of confusing you, cause that will put her in a defensive mode and cause more tension. More like, tell her what you want and ASK her what she wants.

jmooney527 · Jun 30, 2009, 12:41 PM

All right I'll play devil's advocate... Space from what? Breaks in general seem to be the "get out of jail free card" of ending relationships.

I'm just trying to make you think for a second. How are things going to be any different? What has these 2 months of magical space provided? I know with some things you have to take chances with, but you might need to examine the reasons behind your "break"... if nothing has changed since then, you will probably end up with another break down the road.

This is just my assumption, and I could very well be wrong, but she might've been interested in another guy, decided she wanted a break for some "space" and to "find herself", and she explored her options with another guy. After a couple of months, maybe things didn't work out the way she planned.

Generally speaking, people don't request these breaks for space. If you want space while in a relationship, you ask for some space and STAY TOGETHER... you don't ask for a break and end a relationship.

Once again, I may very well be wrong... but something stinks and unless she can be completely open and honest about what happened... another one of these breaks will be on the horizon.

Just some things to think about... best of luck in whatever your decision may be!

I wish · Jun 30, 2009, 12:47 PM

Jmooney, good observations.

She wouldn't be asking for a break unless there is something wrong.

However, I should add that the OP is very confused with her behavior, so there is no harm in asking direct questions to get direct answers. Otherwise, the OP will just continue to interpret every little detail and that's unhealthy.

If she cannot provide direct answers, then it's time to avoid her so that she can figure things out first.

jmooney527 · Jun 30, 2009, 01:34 PM

Originally Posted by I wish

jmooney, good observations.

She wouldn't be asking for a break unless there is something wrong.

However, I should add that the OP is very confused with her behavior, so there is no harm in asking direct questions to get direct answers. Otherwise, the OP will just continue to interpret every little detail and that's unhealthy.

If she cannot provide direct answers, then it's time to avoid her so that she can figure things out first.

I wish, I agree with your points as well... he should definitely ask her what the deal was.

Who wouldn't be confused by her behavior? She made up some BS about why she wanted to break up... and now she's giving signs of wanting to get back together. But if she can't be straight up with you as to the reason why she wanted to break up, then what's the point? You'll just end up in some cycle, being strung along the entire time.

I definitely agree that he needs answers and he should first look for them by asking her her. Hopefully she will be open and honest as to what the actual issue at hand was, and you two can work on that and maybe get back together. But something just doesn't seem right based on your story.

liz28 · Jun 30, 2009, 02:23 PM

If the two of you do get back together take time to discuss what problems were in the relationship to spark a break. Take time to reflect and work on the issues from before together.

talaniman · Jun 30, 2009, 08:13 PM

I would have to know what the break was about in the first place if I were in your shoes. No way to I set myself up for more of these breaks and not know the whole story behind them.

Any work to be done on this relationship would have to start with a clean slate, not confusion and mystery.

nept34 · Jun 30, 2009, 08:19 PM

I would have to know what the break was about in the first place if I were in your shoes

Well, she happens to be leaving the country in just a couple of months, for a year. It has always been my understanding that the break was to try and avoid the inevitable hurt. I have also always disagreed with this reason. I suppose it is a glass half empty/half full situation. I saw the summer as a great portion of time to spend together, even if it would be our last. She saw it as a painful period to anticipate the loss of each other.