[Derrick E]

This might be long and complicated... so please bear with me. OK.. I've been in a serious relationship with this girl for 20 months now. It was perfect in the beginning.. we never argued, got along perfect, great sex, good to each other... it was heaven. She used to tell me she couldn't get mad at me if we even bickered. She wouldn't sleep away from me and always dragged me back to bed telling me she couldn't sleep without me there... we spent all our time together for the most part. Well for the past month things have been going down hill, and fast. She has always been the loyal and faithful type of girl, a total sweet heart. Lately she has been going to her moms, friends, and families houses a lot for the past 2 weeks or so (I would see her less and less as weeks went by) and I rarely have been seeing her. I used to be her world, she treated me like a king and loved me with all her heart. This month she has been distancing her self more and more from me over the past three weeks... shortly after her ex (who pays child support on the two kids she has) got locked up for molestation charges. She started freaking about how she's going to take care of the kids and such. When she got with me she moved into my mothers house with me (we've been here for 16 months) and we were going to save up and get a place together. (she's done nothing to save, and I've been looking for work) Anyway lately it seems as if she fights with me over everything, I can't seem to make her happy no matter how hard I try. She told me I was selfish and needed to make time in my life for her and that I needed to treat her better... I heard her out and have started to make changes... even she noticed the changes and said that if I keep treating her like I have lately and she holds her end of the deal things should work out fine. Then she starts talking about how my car's a pos and I don't have a job (which it's tough right now with economy and a major job loss has taken place recently) and I'm going to live in my mothers basement forever... so I tell her I am going to get things in order. Anyway... she always has answered my texts and calls and last night she said her dad wanted her to get a hotel room with her and go swimming cause he was feeling down... I said fine. I texted her that night and she would answer with (im sleeping... etc answers and was practically blowing me off)... she wouldn't answer my calls either. Then this morning she was supposed to be home at 930 for plans we had and when I texted her she said she got drunk last night and needed to sleep it off... I called her and no answer... then she texts me and tells me she doesn't feel like talking and feels like throwing up... then 10 minutes later texts me and say (Im sorry bby... but I think this is the end of the road for us)... She had already planned on moving out this week and had a lot of stuff packed... but she came by and grabbed make up supplies, hair supplies, jewelry, perfume, and a couple of other things... I asked if she was seeing anyone else and she said no... I don't think she was but it seems to add up to that. Another thing is that all our pictures together on her myspace page were removed like four days ago as if she has been planning this... mistakes I made was not spending time with her children and really being there for them... I told her things could be perfect like they were before if we spend time apart for a while and she doesn't give up on us.. and she said she still has a lot of thoughts to sort through.

I love her so much do you think there is a way to win her over again since I was her world at one time? She's 26 Im 32

Thanks for reading, sorry about the legnth

[jddaman23]

I feel for you man I do. I may be half your age, but that similar thing just happened to me. I was in a long distance relationship with a girl and I just got to see her and then we broke up. I still love her and miss her and still hope she comes back. Im sorry man. I thought I could win her back too, but I say this with tears in my eyes, don't try it my friend

[57373]

Congrats,all signs point to,you were cheated on.

[jddaman23]

Man that was kind of mean, show some symathy. And not neccisarly. Did She love you back? Like as much as you love her?

[57373]

It is not mean,it is honest,I went through a similar thing from "baby let's get married" to two weeks later "I think i can't do this relationship because of the stress of school"

And it went back and forth until my ex had someone 100% secured to replace me,then she did that in two days.

My ex also told me there was no one else.

Even up until the last time we met.

But there was.

The reason she didn't tell me about that someone else (when I found out) was because she 'cared about me for a long time but didn't know which to choose'

[jddaman23]

Oh I'm sorry, I thought you came in here to make fun of this poor guy. My apologies. But maybe not, maybe she was afriand it was getting to serious and she got scared

[paxe]

You seem like a nice guy and it is a sad story. I am going to try to be original and say, there might be a chance, but it is up to her to decide. The problem is that you were both living for each other when you should have lived for yourself first and foremost. It does seem that in this case she is actually moving on without you and she is giving you false hope. Usually when a girl breaks up it is over. Actually I heard that they mostly come back when you don't show emotion when they break up with you and just move on. I'll try to apply that to my next breakup lol.

[BlackVY]

I don't know... I'm guessing the going out with friends and getting drunk, the getting a hotel room and going for a swim, the not answering the phone at night because she was sleeping does kind of leave me with a bad taste in my mouth.

It's a bad situation, but you have tolet go and move on dude. She does seem to not want this to work at all and doesn't feel bad about anything.

She has moved on and removed you from her life, evidently even before you know what hit you.

I think its time for you to do the same. As much as you love her, you can't get her back. Her mind has been made up, and you don't really want to be with someone who can change their mind about being with you so quickly, even if she does beg to come back one day.

Like you said, she was your world at one time and you were her's, but that time has past, and sorry to say, but she has moved on. You need to do the same and be happy in yourself. Good luck

[jddaman23]

Do you really want to be with someone who gets drunk and does stupid thigs? From the sound of it, it seems like you don't do that, like you deseve better my friend

[Derrick E]

Thanks for all of your responses everyone. Some more info... this girl has been so honest with me and faithful up until those lies about "sleeping" when she was at the hotel with her "dad"... Any other time she has always answered my texts and calls no matter where she was! Anyway before we got together we met on a dating site and had been talking on the phone for like two weeks... well the night before we met she went home with some guy from a bar... so she does have the potential to be slutty but I wouldn't have expected her to do this to me. Anyway when she told me she was going to the hotel she knew it pissed me off and was playing dumb about it... (I acted irritated but didn't get all pissy about it) so then she comes by to get some things before she went and she looked all chipper and excited when she arrived at the door (the sort of enthusiasm you would have when you have something exciting to look forward to)... anyways she grabs her stuff and gives me a hug and a kiss and tells me she needs to get going cause her dad was in the car and it was hot outside... (if she wasn't truly with her dad I could have walked out and seen that and busted her)... So yeah here are the texts... from that night
Me: what doing?
Her: nothing
Me: call me
Me 10 minutes later: hello! Is any body in there?
Her: going night night (note 1030 at night and she slept till noon this day)
I call her and no answer
Her: going night night
Me: you can't call to tell me that? I'm feeling really uncomfortable. Are you really with your dad?
Her: umm yes
Me: It would have been nice to hear from you before you went to bed!
Me: love you good night
Her: Love you too night
About 45 minutes later I couldn't get the thought out of my head that it seemed like she was with someone else so I called her and she didn't answer and I think hit ignore so I txted her again
Me: I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. Now it seems like you're hiding something. You're breaking my heart
Her: sorry... sleepin
Me:you're not sorry
Me: why was eharmony in our computer history
Her: I don't know... sleepin
Me: can you please just call me for a minute
Me: That's fine. Nvm. Go to your dating sites, now I know where your heart is
Truth is I checked her email and she had spam from eharmony, but I wondered why... it couldn't have been cause she was looking around there and they got her email address from her
Anyway... as you know I didn't talk to her this night... I had a feeling she wasn't coming in the morning.. at least not when she said she was... I gave her the benefit of the doubt
930 in the morning rolls around
Me: U on your way bby?
Her: I got drunk last night... I'm really sick rite now.. tryin to sleep it off.. Im so sorry
(shes not supposed to drink cause she has pancreatitus)
Me: w who?
Her: dad
Me: So you weren't sleeping when I called last night? Hotel check outs are at 10
Her: I think we check out at 11
Me: Are you seeing someone else?
Her: No
Me: If you are just tell me
Her: Im not
Me: call me then (she wouldn't answer my phone call so I told her to call me)
Her: 942 I don't feel like talking... Im going to throw up
Me: 956 Im sorry bby... but I think this is the end of the road for us
When she came home to grab stuff she grabbed a few clothing items, makeup, hair care stuff, perfume, and I notice she was wearing her sexiest bikini (one she was not really comfortable wearing around her father)... so I said to her, why do you need all that stuff?. she said she her dad wanted her to cut his hair.. then I noticed she had her sexiest bikini on under her shorts so I said "oh so you wore your sexiest bikini huh?"... she got defensive and told me she didn't come home to get 20 questions and that her other ones were dirty... anyways she wouldn't look me in the eyes... I lightly hugged her and told her I loved her but never did she hug back or say it in return... she could have felt guilty for cheating or maybe it wouldn've just made it harder for her to go through with the break up since she had such strong feelings for me at one time.
And that's how it went down... hope I didn't bore anyone, but detail helps.. .

[57373]

It seems that whether she cheated she was already pushing you away with the short responses,which I'm not sure if you know,but those are a classic sign of cheating.Especially when you ask,'why the short response let's talk' 'no no no I got to go' 'why?' then you just get anger from the other party or a response about you being overbearing.

Trust me I was cheated on and in the past two weeks (before we ended) that's how the behavior was.

I would call at 3 am (on a Monday or weekday night) and ask my ex where they were

It was always 'none of your business,I'll be home soon'

Or 'why do you always call me'

The type of aggrevation I never received before.

Thinking of it now,these reactions had to be caused by (not something I did) rather guilt

Because I was calling no more then I had in the past.

Now before you get your sights on specific guy

Realize that's it's probably not just one,but a few,including yourself

What your ex is going through now (in my opinion)

Is the decision process,where they actively end a relationship,but sort of string you along cruely for example "let's just be friends"

That would be keeping you on the side,while the ex has time to explore.

Why? Because 'your comfortible'

I'm not saying every 'let's just be friends or it won't work out' case is like this

But when it involves hiding things and less communication,usually it does.

A real 'friend' would be straight up with emotions.

Ever seen the show cheaters?

Helped me come to terms with a lot.

[Derrick E]

You seem like a nice guy and it is a sad story. I am going to try to be original and say, there might be a chance, but it is up to her to decide. The problem is that you were both living for each other when you should have lived for yourself first and foremost. It does seem that in this case she is actually moving on without you and she is giving you false hope. Usually when a girl breaks up it is over. Actually I heard that they mostly come back when you don't show emotion when they break up with you and just move on. I'll try to apply that to my next breakup lol.

Thank you for the "hope"... although my intuition is nagging at me telling me she cheated. I don't want to deny it but don't want to lie to myself either. Anyway... for most of the relationship she lived for me and I lived for both of us, but was a little selfish. She gave and gave, but I couldn't give as much in return. But in the end I was compromising with her and understood her feelings and tried my hardest to treat her better and give her the attention she was looking for.

[Derrick E]

I'm looking for an answer... I'm trying to start the no contact phase (ex just broke up w me today) but there are obstacles.

I have already cleared her stuff out of two rooms and I have two more to go and a closet... Im putting everything in the laundry area...
I have deleted every email from her... I still have more to do like the phone and other social network sites... I break down balling my eyes out every time I get rid of these things and erase her completely from my life

One is that her stuff is still here and she still needs to come get it and move out...

Second we got this dog together and she wants me to keep it until she can pay the pet deposit... I love the dog and spent 6 months training it... I know she is going to come get it and I'll just be that more attached to it

Third... what do I do about any joint belongings

Fourth... how should I handle photos on the computer from our vacation that I want to keep... should I just get rid of anything with her in it? I don't want to lose memories... what about holiday video tapes with the rest of my family and such...

I have to allow her to contact me to move her stuff... I like the thought that things will work out for us and don't want to make the break up worse...

What should I do about these situations?
How should I act when she comes to get her stuff?
How hard should I make it for her to get her stuff?
How do I handle the phone calls and such?

To find out about our relationships history just check out the only post I have made... I could always use more answers.

Just before I posted this entry I went to myspace and deleted all her messages, but before I did that I forwarded some of the ones she sent to me telling me how she was so glad she found me and she wanted to grow old with me and on and on... some of the best days of our relationship wrapped up in we sent back in forth. Anyway, she hasn't been on computer since Friday so I sent her a text letting her know that I sent those to her before I deleted all of the messages she had sent me... I told her that I wanted her to remember the good things about us. Supposedly I need to delete her completely off my friends list... ugh! It's so hard :(

I'm so grateful for everyone's thoughts

[57373]

About the exes stuff/pictures/memories that are YOURS.

I would get rid of it,all they do is cause pain,and the relationship is over.In hindsight,how would your future girlfriend feel if she saw you kept those things anyway? It isn't healthy.

As for her stuff,send it back,don't have her come to see you or see her,just for stuff.
(it ends up looking desperate)

Remember if she wants to resolve this,it has to be from her side not yours,she's the one who ended it,whether you realize it,she knows you don't want to let go.

And I wouldn't really go no contact,until you feel every question you could ask has been asked (not to salvage the relationship or for her... but so it doesn't nag you every day after)

Pressing her for answers is going to be hard,but you have to at least try,who knows she might answer,might not.

The first week we broke up I remember hearing my ex say "there might be a chance we can get back together if we change"

"i still love you"

It was all bs though,and it was more a tag along kind of thing,I was in for.

Be sure to focus on why you broke up and not "what the future holds" because that was never the issue to begin with.

[Derrick E]

About the exes stuff/pictures/memories that are YOURS.

I would get rid of it,all they do is cause pain,and the relationship is over.In hindsight,how would your future gf feel if she saw you kept those things anyway? it isn't healthy.

As for her stuff,send it back,don't have her come to see you or see her,just for stuff.
(it ends up looking desperate)

remember if she wants to resolve this,it has to be from her side not yours,she's the one who ended it,whether or not you realize it,she knows you don't want to let go.

and I wouldn't really go no contact,until you feel every question you could ask has been asked (not to salvage the relationship or for her...but so it doesn't nag you every day after)

pressing her for answers is going to be hard,but you have to at least try,who knows she might answer,might not.

The first week we broke up I remember hearing my ex say "there might be a chance we can get back together if we change"

"i still love you"

It was all bs though,and it was more a tag along kind of thing,I was in for.

Be sure to focus on why you broke up and not "what the future holds" because that was never the issue to begin with.

OK... well I haven't went NC yet... but I need to and fast. She wants me to keep the dog for like a month until she can afford the pet deposit at her apartment... when we got the dog it was like the family pet and I had never planned on her leaving the relationship (thought we would grow old together)... there fore I trained the dog and got very attached, it's more my dog than hers for except she paid for it, I trained it! Should I tell her to take it or give it to me... no Im going to keep it for a while?

We... bought a camcorder together and she says if I want to keep it to give her her money back for her part of the purchase... I told her I didn't have it and if she gave me my half she could have it... she said it would be a month

She has lots of things here and to be honest it would take quite a while to pack it and move it somewhere... work I feel she needs to do since she's bringing all this upon us... I'd rather her get her stuff tomorrow and be gone so I can move on more easily but she said it will probably be a week from now before she can get her stuff... argh... but I'm moving it out of my sight

She hasn't told me she loves me or anything promising about the future... she acts like it is completely over pretty much.. but it's only been around 20 hours, but trust me it feels like an eternity.

It's so hard to get rid of every single thing... I wouldn't want to do that in case she wants to salvage things in the near future... how about I pack up a few of her things and put those things in with her stuff?. then when she unpacks she will be haunted by it... lol. Then if she thinks she'll be coming back around she can save it!

I've also been spraying some of her stuff with my cologne... when she unpacks she is going to smell that...

I've also thought about leaving small I love you notes (dated back a couple months) in some of her stuff so when she finds them in the future she will be forced to think about me... afterall she's moving to a totally new environment where no memories exist while she leaves me here where we lived together for a long time

Thanks for your replies