[tdmce]

Sorry that this is so long...

- She is 19, I'm 27 (was worried about age difference when first met, but she told me her life story and that she had done a lot of experimenting and was over with the random one night stands and wanted a serious relationship)

- We have been living together for 2 years (brought a dog which is having puppies soon and a kitten)

The first year we had a brilliant sex life but over the next 9 months she started not wanting to touch me and then not wanting me to touch even her tummy. I quickly saw the signs that something big was wrong, so tried communicating with her, she told me she still loves me so much and is not sure why she no longer feels like having sex, she initially said it was probably just a phase and it will pass, so I went with it for another few months and we would have had sex about 4 times over 2 months and from memory it was always when we had come back from the pub pissed. Again this was weird I thought.

It got even worse, I tried kissing her on the couch one day and she pulled away which gutted me. I told her she should move out for a week to sort out her feelings cos she was treating me like a friend. So she moved back to her parents, about part way through the week she came round early in the morning and said she misses me and thinks she knows what the problem is, she said she thinks its depression because we have been quite broke compared to when she first met me. I thought that was a pretty crap excuse, might explain not wanting sex, but a simple kiss? So anyway thought I'd give her another chance and she came back home, we had sex the next day and she looked like she was making more of an effort. But since then every wkend she wanted to go clubbing with her single friend and never wanted me to come (usually we would go as a group). And then I asked her for a dance at my sisters wedding and she said no when every other couple was dancing.

I decided this is not a relationship and she can't love me, so I told her that I think you have put me in a friendship category, even though you say you love me. And said I wanted to break up and for her to move out. She agreed and said maybe my feelings have changed and cried. Then the next day (sunday) she was acting like we hadn't broken up and was all over me, constantly wanting a cuddle and kissing me on the cheek saying things like 'we may get back together in the near future' and she 'wished she met me later on in life' etc. Playing with my head big time.

Then Monday she left for work and I was now the one in tears and she looked happy, she had planned to house sit with her single friend for 2 weeks, so she has been up there for the past week now. She has pretty much cut off contact, but every 2-3 days I get a text saying hi. And then I get a text from her mum saying 'just talked to my daughter, don't give up on her just yet'..

I texted her last night when out drinking and said can you please tell me for once and all if I should move on. She took that as if I had met somebody and said "I can't tell you what to do, do what you want to do". She then texted back saying she "im not saying i don't want to be with u i just need time 4 me right now". I took that as, I want to live the single life and screw other pple but keep stringing you along.

She is coming down tomorrow to see our dog and talk to me. I believe she wants to be single and have me as well. I've completely lost my confidence now with trying to pick up other girls, I think since she doesn't want sex with me anymore that maybe I suck. Deep down I know I need to move on, but at the same time I'm really wishing the person I fell in love with will magically reappear...

Suggestions?

[tomboy1x]

Ask her what's wrong and can you do anything to help because there is defiantly something wrong or treat to something special take her to dinner or something then talk about what brought you 2 together

[tdmce]

I've tried all this, about 2 months ago I sent her a big bunch of flowers to her work, she rung me up all happy, but still nothing intimate, just nice words etc

Also took her out to dinner a few times but all it ended up doing was making me more broke.

[talaniman]

You are not at the same place in life as she is and you need to recognise this. You are much more settled and life is for fun to her. When you have your talk give her space and all the time she needs because you sir need to reconnect with yourself because you have made her too big a part of your life. You need to get back to the things you like to do if you can remember. She is not ready to cuddle on the couch when there is a party going on. Come on dude shake it up and let her chase you while you get busy with you.

[tdmce]

Thanks talaniman, I will let her be free and follow your advice. I'll have some new flatmates next weekend, a guy and a girl, so will probably help take my mind off her.

[will5168]

You need to be asking yourself some questions to get an answer. How would you react if it was you that had changed? Would you say anything? Or would you hold off and not say anything just in case you hurt her feelings.

I think that she does care for you a lot, she's confused, she must be confiding in her mum, hence her mums reaction.

Sadly, there is nothing you can do. She doesn't know what she wants, which is not your fault. Leave her be... get on with your life at the moment and if there is any hope she may be back, but don't hang around waiting. If she does ever come back ask her to be honest in the future as your feelings are being torn apart.

Things happen in life for a reason, everything in life is an experience to learn from.

[charlie123]

First, my heart goes out to you. A broken heart does hurt - but it sounds to me like your girlfriend might need to grow up a little bit. Talk with her - tell her EXACTLY how you feel. Don't play games - tell her that you need some time to sort out your feelings. Explore talking with other girls (not sleeping with them! :) - and after some time has passed - you may have found that your relationship had run its course. Or you both may decide that you can't stand to be away from each other. Only time will tell - I don't know if you are a religious man - but in my life when I feel overwhelmed, worried, sad, etc. I try to put it in God's hands - I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason (even the heartaches).

[CaliforniaOrange]

In my humble opinion, if you don't like the kinds of games that 19 yr olds like to play, then maybe you don't like dating 19 yr olds? See here's the thing with age. "Age is just a number" and all that is just one of those rules in life that people use to make sense of things... just because it's a rule, doesn't make it a law. What I'm awkwardey attempting to spit out here is, flexibility always WINS. The bigger the age gap the more flexibility a couple will need to assume in order to make things work. Your best bet will be to try to keep in mind that the 8 year age gap does in fact play a role in your ability to relate to one another and being older and having more experience coping with emotions and problem solving gives you the advantage and probably makes it easier for you to see what is wrong from your end and fix it. Her being 19, she's still learning how to problem solve, etc so she may need more time to "sort" through whatever she thinks is going wrong with her, you, or the relationship. My advice is don't over think things, be flexibile, be genuwine, listen, have empathy, and love yourself. That's all you can do right? Can't make someone do something they don't want to do... These are just my thoughts on this.

[JoeCanada76]

First of all if both you and this girl is in it because of sex. Then the relationship was doomed from the start. A relationship based on sex, and believe me the way you posted your question the basis of this relationship is only on sex. So my suggestion is, MOVE ON. The move on factor. Lots of head games involved and this 19 year old wants to fool around a lot more and live her life. She does not want to be tied down. So no worries about this at all.
She sucks because she is a slut. You suck because you keep falling for this. So again, my suggestion is you find somebody that has matured, and is ready to be serious because obvously neigher of you were really in this for the true relationship value which is based and starts as friendship.

Joe

[J_9]

As you have heard before, you both are in 2 totally different realms of growth. She is 19, you are 27.

You are ready to settle down, and you have every right to want that.

She wants to party, and she has every right to want that.

You are in totally different life stages. It may be time to move on and let her live her party life. She needs that to develop as you have. I assume you went through a partying stage at 19.

When 2 people are in 2 different life stages, it is hard to connect the two.

[Wonder1984]

Hey man!
I've just hade pretty much the same thing in my life...
Feel for you man... it really SUCKS!!

But hey what can we brokenhearted do?
Nothing...

I say move on...
Just let her come to you...
She broke it of... she has to make the next move.
Otherwise you don't look good...


Wonder

[tdmce]

She came round this morning, I let her do the talking first, she said she thinks she is too selfish to be in a relationship, I said I agreed based on how she has been treating me and said I think she does need to be single. I'm getting two flatmates this weekend, one attractive female and another guy, she asked me about them and if she is hot. I said she is not bad looking but I'm not interested in doing anything and besides you never screw the crew. I could see she got quite jealous so I changed the topic.

She said she would be round here heaps hanging out and then I told her that for me to be able to move on I need to cut off all contact for awhile, she seemed gutted but has accepted my reasons for doing it. She will still come round to pick up the dog for a walk though as we both have a strong bond with the dog, but apart from that I'm not going to text her anymore.

[JoeCanada76]

You know what. I am going by what you are telling me. I tell you the truth the way you told the story to me. Why did you get so defensive when I just repeated what you wrote in your post. There are things that you just do not want to see, even if the truth is stairing you in the face. Truth hurts sometimes and that is exactly what I shared with you and those words I used that you did not like. Came from your own post. What you wrote, the story you told. That is exactly what she is like. Think about it.

Joe

[ashley19]

Hi,

While your 27 and perhaps thinking more of the future your girl is only 19... she's a baby, it sounds like she really loves you but she maybe thinks she's missing out by not being with her single friends, I think she just wants 'me' time like she said, this time apart is great as it will give her space to decide what she wants.. just put yourself in her shoes, your 19 wouldn't you be confussed too, you come to so many cross roads at this age.. you must remember. Choices between, education, work, boyfriends, friends, children, single, relationship so many choices and decisions to make its hard.
I'm going through the same rite now and god knows I need some 'me time'. The decisions will come to her... although it might take longer than you might like..
What you need to decide is whether your willing to wait for her to find herself. You also need to think about you and what you want in life, don't loose track of that

[JoeCanada76]

One night stands = #$&@ period.

[talaniman]

When you leave the door open sometimes a critter wanders in.

[tdmce]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I have a feeling she will eventually want me back as some people have mentioned, but I'm not sure I could take her back if she has been dating / sleeping with other guys in between.

Just wish the hurting will stop. Have been trying to keep myself busy, but everything in my house keeps reminding me of her, including the dog. Where as she has just gone, has nothing to remind her of me, much easier for her to move on.

[talaniman]

Friends, hobbies, sports, work will take your mind off her and eventually it will hurt less. We all go through those hurt feelings.

[s_cianci]

Stick by your guns. Pack her things, change the locks and place her bags on the curb so that they're there for her when she comes around to see the dog. Don't let her and her mother put the guilt trip on you. If there are any large items of hers in your home (such as furniture), tell her to hire a mover within the next 30 days to remove them from your home and transport them to her new location. Otherwise you and one of your buddies are going to put them out on the curb as well. If she then tries to come back, set strict boundaries and make sure she knows them. If she strays again, then it's out for good.

[Skell]

IT is going to hurt for a while to come yet.
But there are things you can do to limit this pain and improve yourself.

Keep busy - exercise, hobbies, friends. Try and find as many things to do to keep yourself busy as you can. It will help you take your mind of things. I found running to be so theraputic.

No contact - don't let her contact you. Don't contact her. No text, no email, no phone. Completely remove yourselff from her life and her from yours. If she wants to see the dog arrange it so that she can come when you aren't there. Or simply give her the dog, or tell her she can't see it. It is a pet. Not a child.

Basically the next period of your life should be about YOU. Learning about yourself again, improving yourself. Reflect on what went wrong in this relationship. What YOU could have done better. Improve yourself as a person. Take up new hobbies, do things that you always wanted to do, learn a new launguage, go skydiving. Anything you want. It is a time now to not worry about her or getting a new girlfriend.

It is all about YOU!

Good luck!