[ordinaryguy]

I ran across this today. When the Heart Pays the Price of Anger - Happy Days Blog - NYTimes.com The article is interesting enough, but the real gem for me was in the reader comments. Tara, whoever and wherever you are, thank you.

Neither bottling up nor expressing one’s anger is helpful. But facing one’s anger, looking it squarely in the face, sitting with it, is helpful. Our negative emotions are part of who we are, and denying them or ignoring them is a way of avoiding any self-examination, which in turn leads to ignorance, and ignorance leads to sorrow. Expressing anger is actually a way of avoiding dealing with the anger.
— tara

I'm especially struck by the idea that anger and other negative emotions are indicators of a need for self-examination.

What are your thoughts on anger--where it comes from, what it means, what to do with it?

What about how to deal with an intermittently or habitually angry person in a close relationship--spouse, family member, co-worker... somebody it's not really possible to just avoid altogether?

[tickle]

An habitually argumentative person, usually carries this trait from an underlying medical condition. You have to be strong enough to identify the escalation and just walk away from it entirely. I have found that trying to difuse the situation only makes it worse.

I have to deal with an alcoholic family member who is, not exactly habitually argumentative, at least that was never a trait before he started drinking heavily, who really knows how to pull the chains. I have to grit my teeth and just leave the house.

Good question.

Tick

[ordinaryguy]

I lived for almost 23 years with an angry woman, and if she did any self-examination, she kept it to herself. She refused any and all suggestions of counseling. She may really believe that she doesn't have a problem. All I know for sure is that bearing the brunt of her periodic "black rages" eventually destroyed my ability (or was it my willingness?) to trust her with my heart. I completely withdrew emotionally and went into what became "dysthymia", but that's another story.

The thing is, after I withdrew (little or no affectionate touch, eye contact, or intimate talk), she never had another blowup in the remaining 4+ years that we lived together. Before that they had been coming more and more often (2-3 times a month at the worst). What do you make of that?

We were able to function very well on the practical level, as daily co-workers and business partners, but with no real heartfelt emotional (and certainly not sexual) contact. We separated a few months ago. It took me a long time to realize that her anger wasn't really about me, even though it was usually directed at me. And that not only wasn't it my problem, it wasn't a problem I could help her with.

[simoneaugie]

The article got me thinking. People, including me usually advise a safe way to address anger. Expressing it in a safe way is an avoidance.

It is a sign, that something is wrong with the angry person. Of course environmental issues can affect everyone involved, but the person expressing anger towards others needs to "sit with it."

The rules I follow are"

1. Don't hurt yourself.
2. Don't hurt anyone else.
3. Don't break anything.

Somehow expressing anger in a safe way, like ripping up a teddy bear seems okay. If it's that or attack someone close to you, I'd much prefer you took it out on the teddy. But yes, ideally, the person with the anger problem needs to sit with it, feel it, look in the mirror and be totally honest with himself. Some people are not able to do that, don't know how.

ordinaryguy, whatever was triggering your ex-wife's anger was somehow connected to the intimate contact it would seem. It probably had little or nothing to do with you as a person. When someone acts that way, they have issues. They can deny it till doomsday but there it is.

It would be good to teach children how to deal with their anger and frustrations with honesty and self acceptance, before they grow up and teach poor anger management skills to others.

[ordinaryguy]

ordinaryguy, whatever was triggering your ex-wife's anger was somehow connected to the intimate contact it would seem. It probably had little or nothing to do with you as a person.

I really don't know. It does make sense that if the fundamental issue was a deep-seated fear of intimacy and these periodic episodes of rage were a way of keeping me from getting too close, they wouldn't be necessary after I quit wanting or trying to be close.

On the other hand, something else that happened about that same time was she started taking Paxil, and as far as I know, she still is. So maybe it was the selective inhibition of seratonin reuptake that cured her anger. If that's so, it seems kind of a shame, because the cure came just one episode too late for me. I couldn't have predicted that that particular straw would be the last one (and there wasn't anything particularly unusual about it), but when it happened, I knew it immediately for what it was, and there was no going back. She thinks I haven't forgiven her, but I have forgiven her, I just don't trust her anymore, and probably never will.

When someone acts that way, they have issues. They can deny it till doomsday but there it is.

She has started smoking cigarettes again after more than 20 years. I can't help but think it's a form of intentional self-harming. When I asked, "What are you doing?", her response was, "You don't get a say."

It would be good to teach children how to deal with their anger and frustrations with honesty and self acceptance, before they grow up and teach poor anger management skills to others.

I might go so far as to say that anger is a psychic defense mechanism that's typical of (and maybe even appropriate for) infants and small children. But hopefully, by the time we're adults, we learn better, healthier, more effective ways of defending ourselves against perceived attacks or threats or injustices.

Thanks, Simone, for your reply. Thoughtful and insightful as always.