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wakeupcall13 · Jun 22, 2009, 05:09 PM

I know a lot of people who have husbands that love them and have saved them, have been their best friends... why can't I have that?
My husband is the exact opposite. He is nice to me when everything is fine and I make no demands or I just do what he wants. When I need him, he turns on me every time. I can count the moments until it happens, it is so predictable. There is a very long list of times like this and much worse than the one I'm about to tell but here goes. Six months ago I was diagnosed with early stage emphysema, my husband quit smoking right away I quit a week later. We had a really hard time but I have managed to quit and he has not. He lies about it too. Well since I quit smoking I gained some more weight and went from pre diabetes to diabetic on meds. I am now on eight meds a day for medibolic syndrome. I have all the "silent killers" plus chronically depressed. I have been trying so hard to get healthy but my husband is making it all so stressful. He is cold to me, he is very short tempered. He is fine one day and the next he is screaming mad over spoons. He stopped sleeping with me six months ago. It has been up and down, up and down... I have reached a breaking point. On top of financial stress which is never ending... I have snapped. I am screaming at him at the drop of a hat and it makes it so much worse. He isn't supportive and he calls my illness "my problems" everything is my fault and how dare I expect him to do anything. He stays out without telling me were he is. I snapped at him yesterday and he shoved me real hard into a wall and I hit the hard wood floor. He simply doesn't care and I'm trapped financially and he knows it. He is cruel and hateful, but then soon he'll be loving and wanting to put it all aside... for a day or two then he starts acting deceitful and mean again.
Is it my fault? Is it... someone please tell me. I'm at the end of my rope

JudyKayTee · Jun 22, 2009, 05:12 PM

Of course it's not your fault. You can't make anybody do anything.

Only he knows what his problems are and he is the only one who can seek assistance with handling them.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 22, 2009, 06:45 PM

Once abuse becomes physical, don't stay another day, If you have no place else go to a shelter till you get your life settled.

wakeupcall13 · Jun 23, 2009, 09:10 AM

Thank you

Jake2008 · Jun 23, 2009, 09:38 AM

When a relationship gets this unbalanced, it is time to make some changes. Major changes.

If he has a history of physical abuse, you must think of your safety first, and get to a safe place, and take your children with you if you have children involved in this mess.

You are chronically depressed as you said, and scream at the drop of a hat, making things much worse as you said. You take your frustrations out on him, he takes his frustrations out on you. It is the dance to nowhere.

You need to seek marriage counselling, and find ways to communicate that do not involve violence, or physical OR verbal OR emotional attacks. Neither of you are communicating your needs effectively.

If he has been sleeping alone for six months, that should have been a red flag to get moving instead of waiting for him to 'rescue' you as you said.

What have you done to help your marriage. Why have you given up, and blame it all on him, and his actions. Your question, 'why does my husband hate me' is probably not entirely accurate, or he would have been gone by now. If you choose to stay for financial reasons, then you are using him. You don't need money to find help at any women's shelter either.

If he won't attend counselling, you go. Find out why you stay, what is worth saving, what is worth letting go of. Learn ways to communicate your needs without going off the deep end, and blaming him for all your problems.

If you want to stay and subject yourself to physical violence, that is entirely up to you.

jenniepepsi · Jun 23, 2009, 09:46 AM

Leave. Now. Get out. Anyway you can. Go to an EMERGENCY ROOM and they will keep you safe until a safe haven can be found for you.

wakeupcall13 · Jun 23, 2009, 10:37 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

When a relationship gets this unbalanced, it is time to make some changes. Major changes.

I totally agree and have tried and they never last because he is not honest.

If he has a history of physical abuse, you must think of your safety first, and get to a safe place, and take your children with you if you have children involved in this mess.

You are chronically depressed as you said, and scream at the drop of a hat, making things much worse as you said. You take your frustrations out on him, he takes his frustrations out on you. It is the dance to nowhere.

You need to seek marriage counselling, and find ways to communicate that do not involve violence, or physical OR verbal OR emotional attacks. Neither of you are communicating your needs effectively.

If he has been sleeping alone for six months, that should have been a red flag to get moving instead of waiting for him to 'rescue' you as you said.

It has been a red flag and a fuel to my shattered emotional state. We are fine and then suddenly he can't sleep in our bed. He has been in and out of it for six months. He has cheated on me in the past and that is always how it starts and he wonders why I am accusing him of cheating again...all the signs are there but he swears he isn't cheating.
I managed to quit smoking and I am trying to get used to a lot of new meds on top of dealing with him being unavailable, unsupportive and down right cruel.
I'm not really waiting for him to rescue me, I just want him to at least be my friend or show some support instead of pushing me over the edge. How exactly is a spouse suppose to react to the other when they stay out all night.
At the very least I feel I should be safe in my home, I have put everything that I have into this marriage and he seems to stomp on it. I guess I do blame him a lot, but I can't figure out for the life of me what I have done wrong. I always support him, I am always there for him, I work, cook, clean, mow....I have made large financial contributions to our home and comfort. He has not, he hasn't followed through on anything. He hasn't kept one promise 100%....not one. I have had an ugly life so far, abused as a child....I just want some peace and honesty.
I have a son with autism and the disruption of moving would be bad for him, but the disruption of me having my face smashed in would probably be worse. I seem to have lost any ability to stuff this down, I have no tolerance for his lies anymore since I quit smoking. I have talked to my doc about this, I am working working working on making me better but he won't accept his responsiblity in any of this, not a drop. He thinks its my fault that he knocked me into the wall and hurt my back. He shoved me about five feet into a wall but its my fault. I can't be sure that I won't scream at him for staying out all night, so I can't be sure he won't kill me.
I am so stupid though because in a few days he will be nice to me and I will fall for it all over again. That's what always happens, it is the most rediculous thing ever.

What have you done to help your marriage. Why have you given up, and blame it all on him, and his actions. Your question, 'why does my husband hate me' is probably not entirely accurate, or he would have been gone by now. If you choose to stay for financial reasons, then you are using him. You don't need money to find help at any women's shelter either.

If he wont' attend counselling, you go. Find out why you stay, what is worth saving, what is worth letting go of. Learn ways to communicate your needs without going off the deep end, and blaming him for all your problems.

If you want to stay and subject yourself to physical violence, that is entirely up to you.

wow it is that simple... just like when I finally realized that quitting smoking was as simple as not smoking again. Not easy but very simple.

Thanks for your time, I do more than anything need to talk about this but I am pretty isolated as far as anyone who would be straight forward with me. I have no family other than my children, no close friends, only co workers and neighbors no one who would really give a rats a$$

Jake2008 · Jun 23, 2009, 12:07 PM

I know what you mean. I have a situation with a family member that I cannot talk to anyone about, it is very isolating.

I'm glad you are open enough to weigh options and be truthful, that's half the battle, if not more, right there.

It may be too much to just leave right off. What you may find helpful is finding out what resources are available in your area. Speak to your Doctor about a referral for counselling, and he/she too can direct you.

Pay for a consultation if you can with a local attorney. I'm not saying file for divorce, but find out what options you have as far as spousal support, assets, etc. Women's organizations too can help with legal matters, housing, all kinds of assistance.

I guess what I'm saying is line up all your ducks, and be informed. It always seems worse without a plan, or thinking you don't have options. As you start to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life, you'll also gain confidence in knowing that there are ways to go about doing that, and you CAN do it!

wakeupcall13 · Jun 24, 2009, 01:34 PM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I know what you mean. I have a situation with a family member that I cannot talk to anyone about, it is very isolating.

I'm glad you are open enough to weigh options and be truthful, that's half the battle, if not more, right there.

It may be too much to just leave right off. What you may find helpful is finding out what resources are available in your area. Speak to your Doctor about a referral for counselling, and he/she too can direct you.

Pay for a consultation if you can with a local attorney. I'm not saying file for divorce, but find out what options you have as far as spousal support, assets, etc. Women's organizations too can help with legal matters, housing, all kinds of assistance.

I guess what I'm saying is line up all your ducks, and be informed. It always seems worse without a plan, or thinking you don't have options. As you start to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life, you'll also gain confidence in knowing that there are ways to go about doing that, and you CAN do it!

That is very good advice, I always feel so trapped in this and so heart sick at the same time that the marriage has failed. I have been on this roller coaster long enough though and it is time to leave. Counseling never helps our marriage because he won't be honest, he acts like its some kind of contest.
Thank you for the advice and if I can return the shoulder please don't hesitate. :)

Lesko04 · Jun 30, 2009, 06:44 AM

The next time he puts his hands on you, you look him straight in the eye and say "I HOPE YOU LOOK GOOD IN ORANGE, BECAUSE THAT'S THE COLOR THEY WEAR IN JAIL" then go call 911. Sick or not he's a jerk. It's hands off all the time. PERIOD!! How many years have you been married? Did you raise his kids?? You might not be as dependent as you think you are. Judges don't like women beaters, especially one's who hit extremely sick women. Divorce can be a greater advantage for you then you think. Get him arrested, start the paper trail of proof of his behavior, this will get him out of the house, (they will put a restraining order on him) the divorce will take a while, during that time you'll be living in the house without him, his mouth, and his hands. If you raised his kids and didn't work outside the home, that was your job and judges reward you for that with assests, alimony and the ex-spouse will be required to maintain your health coverage. I doubt your hubby will let it lapse, with your health conditions, he knows there isn't a new company that would sign you up. He know's if he's smart he'll keep the one covering you now right where they are. He just thinks he has all the choices, he is wrong. His mouth may come back to bite him. He's still smoking, maybe he's next to have your illnesses. He's suppose to love you more now that your sick, it's in the vows. Shame on him for his behavior, his parents would probably be ashamed of him and for him. Good luck to you, I know it seems impossible right now, but just remember, you have more power than you know. Stay strong and God Bless

JudyKayTee · Jun 30, 2009, 07:28 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I know what you mean. I have a situation with a family member that I cannot talk to anyone about, it is very isolating.

I'm glad you are open enough to weigh options and be truthful, that's half the battle, if not more, right there.

It may be too much to just leave right off. What you may find helpful is finding out what resources are available in your area. Speak to your Doctor about a referral for counselling, and he/she too can direct you.

Pay for a consultation if you can with a local attorney. I'm not saying file for divorce, but find out what options you have as far as spousal support, assets, etc. Women's organizations too can help with legal matters, housing, all kinds of assistance.

I guess what I'm saying is line up all your ducks, and be informed. It always seems worse without a plan, or thinking you don't have options. As you start to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life, you'll also gain confidence in knowing that there are ways to go about doing that, and you CAN do it!

I'm sure you know this but my door is always open for you...

JudyKayTee · Jun 30, 2009, 07:29 AM

Originally Posted by wakeupcall13

That is very good advice, I always feel so trapped in this and so heart sick at the same time that the marriage has failed. I have been on this roller coaster long enough though and it is time to leave. Counseling never helps our marriage because he won't be honest, he acts like its some kind of contest.
Thank you for the advice and if I can return the shoulder please don't hesitate. :)

What a wise statement - "He acts like it's some kind of contest." That sums up MY relationship with my ex-husband. He spent most of his time in counselling attempting to prove that I was the bad guy and he was the good guy, some sort of "well, I'm bad but she's worse" contest.

Excellent insight!

JudyKayTee · Jun 30, 2009, 07:32 AM

Originally Posted by Lesko04

The next time he puts his hands on you, you look him straight in the eye and say "I HOPE YOU LOOK GOOD IN ORANGE, BECAUSE THAT'S THE COLOR THEY WEAR IN JAIL" then go call 911. Sick or not he's a jerk. It's hands off all the time. PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!! How many years have you been married? Did you raise his kids??? You might not be as dependent as you think you are. Judges don't like women beaters, especially one's who hit extremely sick women. Divorce can be a greater advantage for you then you think. Get him arrested, start the paper trail of proof of his behavior, this will get him out of the house, (they will put a restraining order on him) the divorce will take a while, during that time you'll be living in the house without him, his mouth, and his hands. If you raised his kids and didn't work outside the home, that was your job and judges reward you for that with assests, alimony and the ex-spouse will be required to maintain your health coverage. I doubt your hubby will let it lapse, with your health conditions, he knows there isn't a new company that would sign you up. He know's if he's smart he'll keep the one covering you now right where they are. He just thinks he has all the choices, he is wrong. His mouth may come back to bite him. He's still smoking, maybe he's next to have your illnesses. He's suppose to love you more now that your sick, it's in the vows. Shame on him for his behavior, his parents would probably be ashamed of him and for him. Good luck to you, I know it seems impossible right now, but just remember, you have more power than you know. Stay strong and God Bless

You certainly have offered emotional support but your legal advice is incorrect. We very well may be in different States but this is NOT the case in NY. Here it's very much case by case and it's important that OP consult with an Attorney before she makes any decision.

Your legal advice is far too generalized and could further harm the OP's situation.

As far as him putting his hands on her, yes, no woman should put up with that. As far as an automatic restraining order, don't count on it. She needs to consult with an Attorney.

alianne · Jan 2, 2011, 07:32 PM

Hi I live in Aruba in the law here sucks but I lived for 12 years in the Nethelands and I had a boyfriend that did that to me and I thought that I was allone, but the law there is different and they did support me and he went to jail right now Ihave 2 beautiful daughter and an OGER as a husband he does not abuse me fisically but mentally and now a days I just Ignore him and most of the times it helps me

msprissysmom · Mar 19, 2011, 06:28 AM

Your husband sound like he has bi-polar disease

flowerchildfala · Jun 11, 2012, 09:55 PM

Im really sorry to hear about your problem. You seem really hurt. Try to ignore his behavior and get him tested by a doctor for mental issues. Also see if you can get vounselling. Font just give up on the relationship, there has to be a reason he is acting out.