[Richard Davies]

Hi, My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other now for 2 years. Our sex life is great, well mine anyway. We have sex so many times in the past 2 years and I have yet to make her , ejaculate, squirt, orgasm or reach any climax what so ever. When we do have sex she describes it as her going to a point where she's about to or something is about to happen but it never does(like constantly pumping a balloon with air and it never bursts). I do try when having sex and I've tried everything. Setting the mood with candles, role playing, flowers, balloon, dressing up, music, massages, a lot of foreplay, telling her she's the months beautiful girl in the world to me which she is, but nothing seems to work. A lot of times were having sex she's says "why can't i come?". When ever we go for long periods its always her that's had enough or can't take no more. She's had partners in the past that haven't made her come either. My past sex partners have come and I'm not saying I'm amazing but I know my way around the female body. Were both 21 years old and have very athletic life styles. So I'm begging you all for some answers. Sorry about the essay.

Ps she also said that sometimes she urinates before sex and needs to go again during. If that means anything?

[Gemini54]

Can she orgasm when she masturbates?

Many women have to 'learn' to orgasm when having sex and this usually entails self stimulating when they get to the point that 'something is about to happen'. In other words they have to understand their own bodies and know what to do, and then they can show their partners.

If her (and your) approach is that YOU have to give HER and orgasm, then this could take some time - as, clearly you don't know what her particular triggers are.

Essentially she has to give herself an orgasm before you can do anything together.

I'd suggest she get to know her own body first - a vibrator can be one excellent way of doing this, so that she can experiment on her own. Also there are some great books, or, of course the internet.

If she's able to masturbate herself to orgasm then perhaps she needs to get more active during sex, and you both need to try positions that stimulate the clitoris and the front of the vagina. Using a vibrator during sex can really work, as can slowly establishing a rythmn where you thrust slowly and deeply.

But again, all this depends on her and what her particular triggers are.

[Richard Davies]

Can she orgasm when she masturbates?

Many women have to 'learn' to orgasm when having sex and this usually entails self stimulating when they get to the point that 'something is about to happen'. In other words they have to understand their own bodies and know what to do, and then they can show their partners.

If her (and your) approach is that YOU have to give HER and orgasm, then this could take some time - as, clearly you don't know what her particular triggers are.

Essentially she has to give herself an orgasm before you can do anything together.

I'd suggest she get to know her own body first - a vibrator can be one excellent way of doing this, so that she can experiment on her own. Also there are some great books, or, of course the internet.

If she's able to masturbate herself to orgasm then perhaps she needs to get more active during sex, and you both need to try positions that stimulate the clitoris and the front of the vagina. Using a vibrator during sex can really work, as can slowly establishing a rythmn where you thrust slowly and deeply.

But again, all this depends on her and what her particular triggers are.

The thing is that she doesn't like masturbating she thinks is disgusting. When I did convince her she said that she didn't feel nothing an she prefers it when I do it. The way I have sex I do every posistion under the sun anyway so I know that's not the issue but I think she has some self esteem issues. With the vibrators again she said she can't feel nothing. Is so frustrating!

[Fr_Chuck]

Foreplay, when you say "alot" ( sorry some guys think 3 min is alot) but why not just work with her on what feels good and just let her get off, ( don't worry about you at those times)

[ZoeMarie]

the way i have sex i do every posistion under the sun

Does that mean you switch up the positions a lot during each time? I don't know about your girl, but it's easier for me when I get into a rhythm and once it's broken I have to start all over. Does that make sense? Do you ask her how certain positions feel? I also think it's easier when the girl is on top and has more control. I do agree that she needs to learn how to make herself orgasm because if she doesn't know what does it for her how will she know how to tell you?

[Richard Davies]

Does that mean you switch up the positions a lot during each time? I don't know about your girl, but it's easier for me when I get into a rhythm and once it's broken I have to start all over. Does that make sense? Do you ask her how certain positions feel? I also think it's easier when the girl is on top and has more control. I do agree that she needs to learn how to make herself orgasm because if she doesn't know what does it for her how will she know how to tell you?

Yeah I understand whereyour coming from. But in our entire sex life I've just done a single position for a while and got into a rhythm and have tried that. As far as the foreplay goes its goes on from anything between 15mins to 30mins. In sex I don't care about me reaching orgasm I just really want her to reach it. Nowadays the sex I'm doings is all for her and what she likes. Thanks for your answers everyone!

[Richard Davies]

I didn't think I would get respsonses so quickly!

[shazamataz]

Hi Richard,
It is extremely hard for a female to reach orgasm simply by having sex!
For me I have to have my clitoris stimulated for it to happen... simple "bang, bang bang", does nothing for me.
Try getting her on top. From this position she can grind her pubic region against yours and stimulate her clitoris.

It's very hard if she refuses to masturbate, that's the way I learnt about my body, what I liked and didn't like.
What sort of sexual history does she have? Maybe some counselling would do her the world of good as it sounds like she may have some issues with her body and sex in general.

[Synnen]

A woman's biggest sex organ is her brain.

Your girlfriend has the following problems:

1. She thinks that YOU should make her orgasm.
2. She refuses to masturbate, and has issues with masturbation in general
3. She's looking at sex with a goal in mind--having an orgasm. If you are looking at the end of the trip every time, you're missing the stuff that's going to get you there to begin with. Fact is, the more you focus on sex being about an orgasm, the less likely you are to have one--for women, anyway.
4. She's thinking about her orgasm, not about how good something else feels. That's looking for the forest, and not being able to find it, because all these trees are in the way.

Look, she HAS to learn what her own body can do. No one can tell her what her buttons are, or help her push them, if she doesn't learn them on her own. I suggest that she not look at masturbation as something to do with you, or something that needs to be hidden---but as something she can do for HERSELF. Thing is, you still have to be in the mood for it. I suggest erotica for this. Of course just touching herself out of nowhere doesn't do anything! She hasn't stimulated her biggest sex organ first---her brain!

[Richard Davies]

Hi Richard,
It is extremely hard for a female to reach orgasm simply by having sex!!
For me I have to have my clitoris stimulated for it to hapen... simple "bang, bang bang", does nothing for me.
Try getting her on top. From this position she can grind her pubic region against yours and stimulate her clitoris.

It's very hard if she refuses to masturbate, that's the way I learnt about my body, what I liked and didn't like.
What sort of sexual history does she have? Maybe some counselling would do her the world of good as it sounds like she may have some issues with her body and sex in general.

We have tried all them positions and still nothing. But I do think that there is some definite issues. I try and talk to her about it but she cuts me off telling me I'm shupid. She don't want to see a counsellor or a guano. Her sex history isn't a good one either. I don't want to get into it out of respect for her but she was used and taken for granted. I'm the first boyfriend that cares about her and not her sex to be honest. It took her almost 6months to completely be naked around me. I know that not that bad but her body is beautiful. In terms of the masturbation thing. She is completely againts it, when she does try she goes at it half hearted and complains that its not working.

[Richard Davies]

A woman's biggest sex organ is her brain.

Your girlfriend has the following problems:

1. She thinks that YOU should make her orgasm.
2. She refuses to masturbate, and has issues with masturbation in general
3. She's looking at sex with a goal in mind--having an orgasm. If you are looking at the end of the trip every time, you're missing the stuff that's going to get you there to begin with. Fact is, the more you focus on sex being about an orgasm, the less likely you are to have one--for women, anyway.
4. She's thinking about her orgasm, not about how good something else feels. That's looking for the forest, and not being able to find it, because all these trees are in the way.

Look, she HAS to learn what her own body can do. No one can tell her what her buttons are, or help her push them, if she doesn't learn them on her own. I suggest that she not look at masturbation as something to do with you, or something that needs to be hidden---but as something she can do for HERSELF. Thing is, you still have to be in the mood for it. I suggest erotica for this. Of course just touching herself out of nowhere doesn't do anything! She hasn't stimulated her biggest sex organ first---her brain!

I agree totally, even though I've been doubting my performance in the bedroom. I used to be so confident with my body and other females but I now wander if I can please anyone else again. I need to talk to her quoting a lot from this thread.. thank you.. and thank you everyone for your help

[sweet1028]

A lot of girls have the problem of not being able to orgasm. And everyone is totally right about her having to know her own body before she can let you know what she needs to orgasm. I have been in her position I know how it feels but I learned my body and taught him a few things and now we're doing better than ever... You can't feel bad about your performance if she's not willing to try to help that performance out a little bit. I don't know if this helped but I tried lol good luck!

[Gemini54]

Look, if your GF is resistant, then there is probably not much you can do.

You can of course have a talk with her and let her know that her pleasure is important to you - but you can't do it without her! Let her know that you care about her and would like her to be open to thinking about her sexuality and understanding it, but essentially you feel that it's her responsibility now.

Leave the ball in her court and see what happens.

[Richard Davies]

alot of girls have the problem of not being able to orgasm. And everyone is totally right about her having to know her own body before she can let you know what she needs to orgasm. I have been in her position i know how it feels but i learned my body and taught him a few things and now we're doing better than ever... You can't feel bad about your performance if she's not willing to try to help that performance out a little bit. I dont know if this helped but i tried lol good luck!

Thanks for your comment sweet1028. My girlfriend and I have discussed it so many times and she's now it seems just having sex to satisfy my needs and she isn't to bothered about hers, when really I care about her needs more than mine so is there any point? Gemini54 again thanks for you advice I think your totally right also but I've already reassured her that I care about her and asked her to discover her own body. She tries for me but its like she isn't really willing in the first place. Apparently she only gets turned on by me (which I doubt) so she will never have and earge to please herself. I don't know what to do because every peace of advice I've received on this post has been totally relevant and %100 excellent but nothing seems to be clicking with her.

[Catsmine]

Cat reviews my posts regularly to provide another perspective. She noted that your girlfriend seems to be afraid of letting go enough to climax. That urge to"go" you mentioned is relevant as that urge is tied into lots of the same muscles used during orgasm.

I don't know if she is suffering from some childhood repression or later trauma, but Cat's point about her fear seems relevant.

[Gemini54]

A GF who has sex only to satisfy your needs and not hers is not sustainable in the longer term. She'll get sick of it. And so will you.

If your needs are important to her - then why don't you suggest she speak with a professional counsellor - suggest to her that it would satisfy your needs if she was to do some self exploration/analysis with an objective third party.

Perhaps then some of that fear, and resistance to self stimulation can be examined.

Again, in the end - she is the one who has to decide whether this is important enough for her in the context of your relationship. It is about her and if she won't budge, then there is not much more than you can do!

[Help is Here]

I hate to say this, but I get a feeling your g/f does *not* want to have an orgasm. There is something about her past experiences that is holding her back from being vulnerable and just letting go. If she was abused as a child, she may subconciously feel *guilty* when she starts to get to the point of orgasm, and it somehow triggers feelings she doesn't want to have. The only way she is going to be able to orgasm is getting over her fears and guilt feelings, and also learn what makes her body tick. She may think that the vibrator is stupid or not working right, but, if she would just stick with it longer than 30 seconds.. LOL she will have an orgasm (by herself) What is also interesting is that she claims she feels the urge to urinate during intercourse...if only she would realize that if she just went with what her body is wanting to do at that moment, to push down as if you might urinate, she would probably have a g spot orgasm and squirt!! What she is describing is what happens right before a woman does this! Next time you are with her, tell her to do an experiment with you. Tell her if she has that feeling of bearing down or urinating, to just go with it and see what happens. Don't tell her it means she may squirt etc...just tell her you want to see what happens if she just lets it go. My guess here is she will be afraid she is going to urinate on you, but that isn't the case. The problem here is that your g/f wants to control her emotions so much, that is interfering with her bodies natural response to stimuli.

As an aside, I noticed in your post you mention squirting etc.. Not all women know how to do this, or get stimulated enough to do this. Most women like your g/f, don't realize that the sensation they are feeling when they think they are going to urinate is their body on the verge of a g spot orgasm. Don't expect every woman to do what happens in movies.

The main thing here, is for your g/f to overcome her issues with her body, so that she can just relax and enjoy the moment enough to have an orgasm. Believe, me, once she has ONE, she will want to repeat that quite often, whether it is with you, or a vibrator! :p

[Richard Davies]

I hate to say this, but I get a feeling your g/f does *not* want to have an orgasm. There is something about her past experiences that is holding her back from being vulnerable and just letting go. If she was abused as a child, she may subconciously feel *guilty* when she starts to get to the point of orgasm, and it somehow triggers feelings she doesn't want to have. The only way she is going to be able to orgasm is getting over her fears and guilt feelings, and also learn what makes her body tick. She may think that the vibrator is stupid or not working right, but, if she would just stick with it longer than 30 seconds.. LOL she will have an orgasm (by herself) What is also interesting is that she claims she feels the urge to urinate during intercourse...if only she would realize that if she just went with what her body is wanting to do at that moment, to push down as if you might urinate, she would probably have a g spot orgasm and squirt!! What she is describing is what happens right before a woman does this! Next time you are with her, tell her to do an experiment with you. Tell her if she has that feeling of bearing down or urinating, to just go with it and see what happens. Don't tell her it means she may squirt etc...just tell her you want to see what happens if she just lets it go. My guess here is she will be afraid she is going to urinate on you, but that isn't the case. The problem here is that your g/f wants to control her emotions so much, that is interfering with her bodies natural response to stimuli.

As an aside, I noticed in your post you mention squirting etc.. Not all women know how to do this, or get stimulated enough to do this. Most women like your g/f, don't realize that the sensation they are feeling when they think they are going to urinate is their body on the verge of a g spot orgasm. Don't expect every woman to do what happens in movies.

The main thing here, is for your g/f to overcome her issues with her body, so that she can just relax and enjoy the moment enough to have an orgasm. Believe, me, once she has ONE, she will want to repeat that quite often, whether it is with you, or a vibrator! :p

Another great answer! An I agree %100. She's just very stubborn and just like what Gemini54 said I'm getting sick off having sex with her because she is not enjoying it.

Thank you to everyone for the great answers, they've helped me so much!

[sweet1028]

You said that she doesn't like to use the vibrator because she thinks it stupid. Use it for her lol! If she gets turned on by you, use the vibrator on her and see what happens maybe she will change her mind after all.

[ENRIQUE123]

Some females need to be orally satisfied up to the point of completion then you can go into intercourse which can lead to multiple orgasms