[Tutufingaz]

Hi all,

I'm a solo mum, have a post graduate degree and did it all on my own, just so my son and I could have a better life. I gave my son my all, supported him in all his sports, gave him everything a kid could have and now he's 14. I find that he's unappreciative, always want, want, want and he never gives anything back in return, not even doing a simple thing like put the trash out.

When he doesn't get what he wants, he either punches holes in my walls, breaks my windows, throw something at something. I find he's a bully with his brother (seven years younger than him) and he picks on him all the time, to the point my little baby cries because the older brother either punched him or just picking, picking on him.

Another thing, he calls me names under the sun , and even in public. We were in the hospital once, in a cubicle because he had cellulitus in his hand.. and then he starts up calling me these names, the other guy in the other cubicle, sick as he was, came over and said to my son "If I hear your mouth talking to your mother like that again, I'll punch the thing in." Oh, how I loved it, that's what my son needed. He didn't cal me names again (well in the hospital) until we hopped into the vehicle... then he started up again... Me, minding my own business and my 14 year old son, just likes to pick on my household, not to mention, we have to drop everything to attend "HIS" needs. I'm fed up... had enough.. he expects us to be this perfect family with the latest gears, vehicle and I'm suppose to look like Ms Barbie Doll... what a DREAMER!!

[N0help4u]

Do you still give him everything he could possibly want?
When he wants anything tell him first this needs done before we can do this or go there and do that.

Does sitting down and having a nice long talk about being older means being more responsible work?

Also maybe taking him to a psychologist might be a good idea.
If he hates going there maybe he will straighten up just so he doesn't have to go. If going or threatening to take him doesn't work maybe its what he needs.

[ryans2fast4u]

I hated my mother when I was 14. 14-18 I told her I hoped she'd die and she ruins my life. I'd make her cry all the time and I really did hate her. In fact I went weeks where I'd completely avoid her. If she was at home I'd lock the door, or leave right as she was getting home.

There was no good reason- why did I hate her? She gave me curfews? She wouldn't let me do stupid things? She was doing it all in my best interest.

Finally when I got to college - like a light switch - our relationship improved instantly. Being out of the house and "free", I had no reason to dispise her anymore. I think if she handled it a little differently we could have gotten along in HS.

I say this not because I think its good, but to give you hope that it may not all be lost ;) I'm pushing 30, I'm a corporate executive, with 2 degrees, and my mother and I are actually going out to lunch today! Have faith!!


NOW this is not to say there aren't some problems here. You showed by your antecdote about the guy who put him in his place at the hospital.

This tells me that he walks all over you, and he has no reason not to because he gets away with it. You just said that he gets "his" needs/wants! This tells me you are actually creating this boy which upsets you so much!

People do what they get away with, and they do what they are rewarded for. Stop rewarding him for bad behavior! Put him in his place (for real, not imaginary).

"talking" to a 14 year old boy doesn't work. Not sure why women always think talking works, because it rarely does to a boy of such age. You need to physically and emotionally be strong. I'm not saying you hit him or any sort of violence, but ground him? Tell him he can't have XYZ because of ABC... AND STICK TO IT. If you don't your just digging yourself deeper. When he's good, tell him that since you two have gotten along all day you think it would be fun to go out to dinner. Little rewards like that will subtly and slowly change his actions.

Don't make it "his probleM" even if it is. Look at it as both of your problems, and communicate it that way. Make it seem like you're a team- working together. I think kids WANT to get along with their parents, but they just think they CANT. You have to remember he is not as emotionally or mentally mature as you. Has hasn't experienced what you have, and he doesn't understand how the world works or how relationships work yet.

The good news- you said " he expects us to be this perfect family with the latest gears, vehicle and I'm suppose to look like Ms Barbie Doll... what a DREAMER!!!! "

Reading between the lines... "He expects us to be this family"... sounds like he doesn't hate you or dispise the family. He may be confused/not understand things/have poor expectations, but it sounds like he's not a bad kid. That makes your job a LOT easier!

Good luck ;)

[cjsmsw]

Ok! I'm not alone. Good! My 14 year old is almost abusive. He is a big bully. I had to make him go spend time with his dad this summer, and although he tells me he is happy and he hates me, he also makes remarks like "I don't want to come crawling home like a big mommas boy". This is his dad talking... I have sole custody, his dad is threatening to keep him. It's all screwed up. I love my son very much. I was the only parent he had for 13 years, his relationship with his dad is only a year old. He thinks the world of his dad and he calls me names and threatens me. He doesn't want to come home or go to school where we registered. I'm sick to my stomach about the whole thing. I just sit and cry. (he doesn't see this) but I have told him his language hurts my feelings. I am a counselor and a social worker. I feel like a failure. I don't want to go to work because I feel like I can't help my own son how can I help others. I have the knowledge of what to do and I have taken all the steps to improve the situation. We went to counseling until I got too far behind in payments and had to stop. I got him a mentor for a year then school ended and the program ended. I have grounded him, taken his computer when he gets abusive. It helps for a short period and then it's back to the same behaviors. Since he has been at his dads (he lets him do anything, include drive at 14) he has become almost physically violent. He started cutting himself when his girlfriend broke up with him... I feel like I'm losing him and I don't know how to stop it. I hurt all the time, and I want to help him.

[Fr_Chuck]

So I would assume this 14 year old has no computer, no internet usage, no music and is grounded to his room all day?

If not, then I see some issus with the parent giving in.

How many counseling sessions have you taken him to.
When did it start,
Where is his bio father in all of this?
And when he gets physical, have you sent him to boot camp or even juv detention to get his attention.

[Jake2008]

CJ, I'm going to be very blunt with you, please don't take offence, and this is only my opinion.

Your son needs a psychiatric assessment. That kind of violence, and that level of anger, is a mask for a very troubled boy. He could also be using drugs. Cutting is NOT an appropriate response to breaking up with a girlfriend. He cannot handle his emotions. He goes out of his way to relieve it, and the brunt of it is falling on your shoulders. Your younger son is also in a dangerous situation.

If he does not learn how to control himself, and what is motivating all this anger, you are in for more, not less. Next could be broken bones, assaults, and police at your door taking him off to jail, where he does NOT belong.

This is not a one time deal where he gets extremely angry and punches a hole in the wall, and then regrets his actions, and never does it again. He may very well outgrow this 'stage' as others have posted, and 'tough love' may put a few bandaids on his behaviour, but in my opinion, for what its worth, he needs to be assessed, and counselled. Something is troubling him, and if you don't get on top of it now, it will only be worse for him and the rest of his family.

Don't wait for permission from your ex, just do it. If all it turns out to be is something not to be concerned about, so be it.

Is he in school? Have you talked to his teachers, the school counsellor if there is one? When is the last time he had a physical. Please don't kick him out until you have exhaustsed all possible reasons for his behaviour.

[cjsmsw]

We were in counseling for a year. It did help. This all got worse when his dad showed up. I won't give up on him. I feel fortunate to have a child at all. I have worked with much worse but he seems so very angry. He must have his way or he will destroy something or threaten to cut himself. I have done everything the counselor has suggested. They seem to think this is a status cutting phase. He stated that it started at school with other kids his age. I have a hard time believing him because he has been deceitful too many times. I had a psych evaluation done on him and they seem to think he is OK. He makes straight A's, loves school, hates drugs and alcohol (calls those who use losers) but who knows. The drug testing is next.

I am going to try a Home Rules Contract. I am taking some classes this semester which will include Behavior Modification.

I find this behavior and meanness of his, not OK. He is very good at manipulation, he is very intelligent. Rarely has to study to make A's. He understands psychology and sometimes uses it on me to get what he wants. I feel like I'm on edge all the time.

Of course this is the worst. We have good times too. I try to set aside time each week to do things together and he seems to enjoy the shared endeavors.

His dad lets him do anything. When he gets loud or hateful he never reacts or has any consequences.

I love him more than I can express. He is my child. This precious child is turning into a abuser. My heart is breaking. He blames me for his dad not being around. Well, honestly, right now, he blames me for everything.

When I talk to him today, he spoke like he wanted me to beg him to come home. He didn't want to hurt his dad's feelings. I almost thought he was putting on a show for minute.

I appreciate the advise and questions. I am open and willing.

[cjsmsw]

So I would assume this 14 year old has no computer, no internet usage, no music and is grounded to his room all day ??

If not, then I see some issus with the parent giving in.

How many couseling sessions have you taken him to.
When did it start,
Where is his bio father in all of this?
And when he gets physical, have you sent him to boot camp or even juv detention to get his attention.

He has actually had to stay in his room for days, without privileges, none! This helps for a minute then we are off on the same behavior. I did have to call the police once. He refused to come home. Stayed out until 11:30, then the police came and told him the curfew in town is midnight. Great! I ask them to tell him about the juvenile shelter. They were very descriptive and blunt with him. Again this helped for a couple of days then back to the same behavior.

I too think that I am doing something wrong if my son is hating me and being abusive. :confused:

We have been in counseling for a year. His father tells him to be nice but backs it up with nothing.

I have taken him there (detention) to visit and show him what could happen. It seems to have made him feel very insecure. (he brings this up to me as though I had abused him or something)

He has told his counselor at school some real whoppers. About me! We had to meet and talk for an hour to straighten some stories out. I'm so tired.

Any suggestion are welcome.

[artlady]

You have a very clear idea of what is going on.
You don't sound like a mother who is clueless,by any means.
The bottom line is you have to either go back to counseling or make him have to pay for his nasty behavior.
You disrespect me as your mother and you get NOTHING in return.
You can still deprive him of things and if he is abusive,you call the cops.You are the boss of your house and you need to let him know that!
I know you don't want to do that but he needs to know that if he puts you up against a wall,you will do what you have to do,to protect your younger son and yourself.

I know its is hard but clearly talking to him and loving him is not making a difference.

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms,the next time you destroy my property or abuse your brother.I'm calling the cops.And do it!

He will continue to run roughshod over you because he knows he can get away with it because you don't want him in a juvie hall.
Maybe a night there will make him rethink his position.
Sometimes tough love is the answer.
Be strong and just don't allow it anymore!
I wish you the best,I have been there.

[cjsmsw]

You have a very clear idea of what is going on.
You don't sound like a mother who is clueless,by any means.
The bottom line is you have to either go back to counseling or make him have to pay for his nasty behavior.
You disrespect me as your mother and you get NOTHING in return.
You can still deprive him of things and if he is abusive,you call the cops.You are the boss of your house and you need to let him know that!
I know you don't want to do that but he needs to know that if he puts you up against a wall,you will do what you have to do,to protect your younger son and yourself.

I know its is hard but clearly talking to him and loving him is not making a difference.

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms,the next time you destroy my property or abuse your brother.I'm calling the cops.And do it!!

He will continue to run roughshod over you because he knows he can get away with it because you don't want him in a juvie hall.
Maybe a night there will make him rethink his position.
Sometimes tough love is the answer.
Be strong and just don't allow it anymore!
I wish you the best,I have been there.

I love your quotes!! Made me smile! I do think you maybe right! We do have rules and we all have to follow them or suffer the consequences. I guess the consequences are going to have to be tougher. I;m sorry you have been where I am at, but, I'm glad I'm not alone in this thing. Thank you!

[artlady]

I love your quotes!!!! Made me smile! I do think you maybe right! We do have rules and we all have to follow them or suffer the consequences. I guess the consequences are going to have to be tougher. I;m sorry you have been where I am at, but, I'm glad I'm not alone in this thing. Thank you!

My son who gave me the hard time is 22 now and its over but I was there and I can tell you ,I was a single Mom as well and the little relationship he ever had with his father was the source of his angst.
Dad needs to get on board and do the right thing as well.

[cjsmsw]

My son who gave me the hard time is 22 now and its over but I was there and I can tell you ,I was a single Mom as well and the little relationship he ever had with his father was the source of his angst.
Dad needs to get on board and do the right thing as well.

I'm thinking the same thing. I have a feeling this is dads deal and he is taking it out on me because he knows I will never abandon him. It's just out of control. Wow, it really hurts. I am afraid he is going to jeopardize my job and relationships with others. I feel like I'm constantly having to explain things to the people in my life. (this may just be my fears)

I also worry he will feel horrible when he gets older and feel lots of shame and guilt. Guilt OK, shame, not so good. Finding ways to take control and stand up, without hurting him too much, or irrevocably, is like a juggling act.

[artlady]

I'm thinking the same thing. I have a feeling this is dads deal and he is taking it out on me because he knows I will never abandon him. It's just out of control. Wow, it really hurts. I am afraid he is going to jeopardize my job and relationships with others. I feel like I'm constantly having to explain things to the people in my life. (this may just be my fears)

I also worry he will feel horrible when he gets older and feel lots of shame and guilt. Guilt ok, shame, not so good. Finding ways to take control and stand up, without hurting him too much, or irrevocably, is like a juggling act.

You have to hug him and tell him what is in your heart.He isn't a baby anymore and he has no right to make every ones live miserable, Thats it! I love you with everything in me but I will not allow you to hurt me or your brother!
He needs to know you have reached your limit and if that means he goes to live with Dad ,so be it.Or Juvie hall.
He needs to believe that you will REALLY call the cops(even if you won't),he needs that fear.
Give love,talk,plead and give the bottom line,the bottom line is I loveyou with everything in me but you need help I can't give you.

I know its hard to love an abusive kid.But we never stop.

He should feel shame and guilt. His behavior is shameful! Your too easy I think,just like I was.

Sometimes you have to be tough.Sadly as parents.I never stopped loving,but I had to say enough is enough.
We do our kids a great disservice when we allow all their bad behaviors.
I wish you the best,keep in touch.

[Jake2008]

I am glad he is doing well at school, and I sincerely hope he is not doing drugs.

You have done much to figure him out, and I appreciate that. I too, similar situation, only with a teenage daughter. It took many years of knocking down doors to get treatment that actually worked for her.

I still feel guilty about the 'tough love' things I tried, not knowing at the time she had a serious mental illness. Cutting was a very loud cry for help that emerg doctors dismissed as attention getting. They, and many others were wrong.

It is so incredibly, unbelieveably hard to raise a child who exhibits the behaviours you've described. The unpredictable nature of what they do has you walking on eggshells, and it disrupts everybody's life.

I still think it wouldn't hurt to have him re-evaluated, and back into counselling. The counselling in particular because it worked in the past. Time to get him to a place where he can vent appropriately, and learn how to understand and control his emotions.

This is such a difficult road to be on, I wish you all the best.

[cjsmsw]

I am glad he is doing well at school, and I sincerely hope he is not doing drugs.

You have done much to figure him out, and I appreciate that. I too, similar situation, only with a teenage daughter. It took many years of knocking down doors to get treatment that actually worked for her.

I still feel guilty about the 'tough love' things I tried, not knowing at the time she had a serious mental illness. Cutting was a very loud cry for help that emerg doctors dismissed as attention getting. They, and many others were wrong.

It is so incredibly, unbelieveably hard to raise a child who exhibits the behaviours you've described. The unpredictable nature of what they do has you walking on eggshells, and it disrupts everybody's life.

I still think it wouldn't hurt to have him re-evaluated, and back into counselling. The counselling in particular because it worked in the past. Time to get him to a place where he can vent appropriately, and learn how to understand and control his emotions.

This is such a difficult road to be on, I wish you all the best.

The cutting really freaks me out! I have read on it and have had to counsel youth about it, but you never expect it from your own child. I think there may be some problems that may need medication. I will take him back to counseling. I appreciate your response and thank you so very much. I no longer feel so alone and ashamed.

[Jake2008]

Cj, don't ever, ever feel ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Life is what it is, and you have the strength and courage to see you through this.

I don't know what happens with our kids. We raise them the same, to be responsible, loving, and aware individuals, and then something like this happens, and unfortunately we tend to blame the parenting or the parents. Nothing between.

I've learned from experience just how strong women are, and good mothers know no bounds when it comes to protecting and doing the right thing by their children.

Don't beat yourself up, you'll figure this out, and your son will come out the other end a better person for it.

[artlady]

I talk a big talk but my kids still know Mom is a soft touch.I *acted *tough and I think I may scared them a bit.as long as your son knows you love him,he has something good in his life.
Ask him how he would feel if you stopped?
All you can really do is love them and talk ,and then do it again :)

[SanjayMehrotra]

We have a 13 year old son quite similar to yours. ALl our efforts to discipline him appear to go waste. However we are noticing one glimmer. He unconsciously copies the parents. By any chance are you also behaving like this with some one in front of him? Or did that earlier?

More to come.

Bye

Sanjay

[cjsmsw]

When I was 13 I was raped. It was very violent. I cut myself and it is very obvious today and I am 52. I have had to explain why and how.
I wish I had the resources then, to deal with my feelings and fears. So yes, my son has seen my cuts. I live with it every day and I regret what I did as a result of the rape. I also forgive myself and love myself. I am grateful things have changed and we are able to open up and talk about and seek help without stigmatization.

My son just came home from being with his dad for a month today. His dad was very abusive to me when my son was young (from birth to four). Women who have been sexually abused, many times, end up in relationships that continue the abuse.

After several years (10, I still see someone professionally and personally) of therapy and education, I now advocate for abused women and children. But my son witnessed the abuse and his dad appeared back in his life 3 years ago. This is when my son started becoming abusive to me.

Tonight, he became very violent and abusive. It took me a long time to calm him down. I made a deal with him that he can have his laptop back for 7 days each time he reads a chapter in "Why Does He Do That", a book written by a man who has worked with abusive men for 15 years.

Right now, he has said that he understands why his dad hit me because I am annoying. I make rules and make him do chores. He wanted to be with his dad. He wanted to give up his family who raised him, his friends, all of his things, he wanted me to hate him (and said he would do what he could to make me hate him), he wants what he wants. He places his dad on a pedestal who can do no wrong. His dad has lied to him about the abuse, playing down his responsibility, blaming me for him going to jail, and has my son believing all the lies. He is taking advantage and exploiting his only son who is 14.

I am sick to my stomach, hurting so badly for my son, who is terribly confused. But the law says he can have visitation. I also do not chose to be a victim any longer and if I must, I will put him in a boot camp.

If anyone has any known therapy or treatment that I can facilitate to help my son, please, help. I can't give up on him.

[Jake2008]

CJ, you had said you were going to take him back to counselling, is he going to go do you think?

I like the trade off, the chapter in the book for 7 days of his computer.

Are you familiar with Brief Therapy/Stages of Change? It is a relatively new type of therapy that revolves around empowerment and direction over change. It is practical, hands-on, and much shorter than conventional therapy. And it is results orientated. So, if your son were to meet with such a therapist skilled in this type of therapy, for every concern, or behaviour or action that he wishes to change, there is a set of agreed upon steps in order to do make the change, and incorporate it long term.

For issues such as anger, resentment, fear, etc. which are emotions he takes out on you, he would instead learn appropriate responses, and how to deal with them in a non-threatening, calm, way.

Right now you are getting all his anxiety because he does not know how else to deal with it. He's only 14, and even without any complications, it is still a very hard stage of life.

While he is only 14, he is still old enough to learn how to change destructive behaviour.

You are on the right track, and you'll get there. Stay strong.

Of course, he has to be motivated, and that's where he will need you.