[txwife]

My husband and I have been married for 18 years. We have not had sex for the past 2 years. Before that, we had sex a maximum of 6x a year. I have to admit, I have not been interested in sex with him for a very long time. Mind you, I LOVE SEX, just not turned on by him. He's a nice man, hard-working, and everybody's friend. I'm just not that in to him... so hate to say... I love him, but I'm no longer IN LOVE with him. We have two high school children, but I'm not sure they can "make me stay".

I finally approached him about the issue because it was apparent he didn't care to have sex either. In fact, he said at one time that I should be glad he wasn't like other guys and always wanting it. Anyway, I approached the subject recently and he said, "Oh I want sex and I could have it 3 times a week, but you turned me down too many times, so I quit asking." He said this started 10 years ago and for the past two, he was waiting for me to come to him. I didn't. Well, I asked him where he was getting it since he said he could do it 3x a week. He said he'd been masterbating all this time. I've never EVER accidentally walked in on him masterbating... never seen any signs at all.

I find his explanation to be VERY hard to believe. I've talked to very close male friends and they all tell me the same thing, "He's either gay or getting it somewhere...no man will just masterbate for two years."

I have to add that I've often been told how attractive I am. I'm petite and keep myself in very good shape. My husband says I should stop trying so hard because I don't have anyone else I need to impress. He recently told me I need to just settle into our life and be comfortable... stop looking for excitement. I feel dead... feel like I'm just going through the motions and don't want to wake up someday having missed out on life. I feel unloved and I'm just not in to him at all anymore. I'm not a bad person... just want love and happiness. Since I brought up the subject of sex and the fact that I'm not in love with him, he's trying WAY too hard to be affectionate and it's just turning my stomach. Help!

Questions for those of you who might have insight, please!

[Synnen]

Have the two of you tried marriage counseling?

[Ren6]

My husband and I have been married for 18 years. We have not had sex for the past 2 years. Before that, we had sex a maximum of 6x a year. I have to admit, I have not been interested in sex with him for a very long time. Mind you, I LOVE SEX, just not turned on by him. He's a nice man, hard-working, and everybody's friend. I'm just not that in to him...so hate to say...I love him, but I'm no longer IN LOVE with him. We have two high school children, but I'm not sure they can "make me stay".

I finally approached him about the issue because it was apparent he didn't care to have sex either. In fact, he said at one time that I should be glad he wasn't like other guys and always wanting it. Anyway, I approached the subject recently and he said, "Oh I want sex and I could have it 3 times a week, but you turned me down too many times, so I quit asking." He said this started 10 years ago and for the past two, he was waiting for me to come to him. I didn't. Well, I asked him where he was getting it since he said he could do it 3x a week. He said he'd been masterbating all this time. I've never EVER accidently walked in on him masterbating...never seen any signs at all.

I find his explanation to be VERY hard to believe. I've talked to very close male friends and they all tell me the same thing, "He's either gay or getting it somewhere...no man will just masterbate for two years."

I have to add that I've often been told how attractive I am. I'm petite and keep myself in very good shape. My husband says I should stop trying so hard because I don't have anyone else I need to impress. He recently told me I need to just settle into our life and be comfortable...stop looking for excitement. I feel dead...feel like I'm just going through the motions and don't want to wake up someday having missed out on life. I feel unloved and I'm just not in to him at all anymore. I'm not a bad person...just want love and happiness. Since I brought up the subject of sex and the fact that I'm not in love with him, he's trying WAY too hard to be affectionate and it's just turning my stomach. Help!

Questions for those of you who might have insight, please!

I think you should cut the poor guy loose so he can find a sexual relationship with somebody who will appreciate him.

I was involved in a "sexless" relationship for seven years. The first two were great, then the sex dropped off. After repeated rejections, I too, quit asking for sex. Why is it difficult for you to believe that he's telling the truth?
I took matters into my own hands, so to speak, and my partner never had a clue, either.

It seems to me that you have your own agenda (getting the hell out), but you're trying to dump blame on him, ie; he must be cheating or gay.

Cut him loose, already.

[bronzebabe]

I believe that he is about to be done with the marriage, and at this point, if you WANT to save the marriage, talk about counselling. If you are done, then get divorced. He probably IS having sex. But, since you aren't "in love" with him, that shouldn't bother you.

[Fr_Chuck]

I can believe the story, it is actually very very common with couples I do counseling with.

One side asks and asks and asks, and get turned down so many times, they stop asking.

And yes men can go for years and years and not have sex, some men do it without masterbating at all.
One does not have to have sex.

For example, you have went for two years without it, so are you getting it somewhere else?

[DSM521]

He's a nice man, hard-working, and everybody's friend

Okay let me apologies if this sounds harsh or if I have any of what I am about to say wrong. But I have to say stop playing the victim here. Listen by what you are telling us you married a good man that works hard for you and your family. You are also saying that he is not the one that lost interest in you. He tried to have a romantic relationship with you but you would not work on it for what ever reason.

We have two high school children, but I'm not sure they can "make me stay".

Your two high school aged children should not have to "make you stay", you should want to stay till your job is done raising them. After all they did not ask for this situation, they are innocent.

I've talked to very close male friends and they all tell me the same thing, "He's either gay or getting it somewhere...no man will just masterbate for two years."

Why are you talking to male friends about the situation. If it bothers you that much talk to your husband, the one you took vows with. Those male friends are giving you bad advise any way. Your husband is most likely not getting it some were else and probably not gay. What a cop out.

I have to add that I've often been told how attractive I am. I'm petite and keep myself in very good shape

.
Why do you have to add that you are very attractive. What does that have to do with anything. Its clear your husband thinks you attractive or he would not be asking you to make love to him for years on end.

I feel dead...feel like I'm just going through the motions and don't want to wake up someday having missed out on life

.
If you feel dead why don't you try working on your marriage. What are you missing? Look at it this way what are you going to leave behind.

I feel unloved and I'm just not in to him at all anymore

Okay I really don't understand this one. Why do you feel unloved, you're the one that turned him away. You are the one that is thinking of leaving the marriage. You are the one that has lost interest in your husband. You are the one that thinks they are missing out on something. And you are the one that feels unloved. Wow what a crock, if you feel unloved just try to imagine how your husband feels.

[Gemini54]

I think that you've both got out of the habit, and taken each other for granted.

Clearly you both still feel sexual, but don't feel able to communicate about it, or meet each other's needs. A sort of emotional and sexual paralysis has taken over.

You say you just want love and happiness, but these things don't just fall out of the sky. You need to create them, and sometimes, (in fact often), it takes hard work to sustain them.

Neither of you have done that work and now you're faced with a shell of a marriage.

I suspect that there is no easy answer. Perhaps you would both benefit from marriage counselling, at least then you can decide if it's dead or if there is still an ember that might spark back to life.

You owe the marriage the attempt to do this, if nothing else.

[hollylovesbrandon]

I think you need to examine what is in your heart. If your heart tells you it's over then it's over. But I think a marriage of 18 years does deserve a chance at working. But both sides have to be willing to make the effort. You said yourself that you are not in love with him anymore so why stay miserable. Just decide that it's either over or find that old spark. 2 simple solutions. Fix it or leave. I really don't see any better advice here.