[Tando]

Hi guys,

Short situation description:
My partner broke up 5 weeks ago after a 3 1/2 year relationship. It was a shock to me although I knew it wasn't going well. There is also another man involved, but I don't really know, what's going on there. I do have indications since I got information and she seems to love him (don't know about fallen in love).

During the break-up she told me straight that she doesn't love me anymore and there is no way back. After I moved out, I started NC. Problem is that now, I need a chat with her. I need to tell her my side of the story. I didn't get the chance to. I know that there is no way of getting her back, but still, I know I need that for myself.
She said that she doesn't want to fight for us anymore and I can't do a thing about it. So I basically just walked out without fighting. But I'm a fighter usually. I've been far too nice so far and would like to put my stuff on the table.

Of course there is still this ray of hope, but more important for me is to be heard and to make her see my side. I am clear that there is no way and I'm just getting back on my feet and feel stronger again, but I don't know what meeting her will do to me. It might be healing or just devastating.

It is a tough decision, because it is so close after the break-up and I know that everybody is saying, don't break NC, because then you look weak and she knows that she can have you back and and. It is a fight for me. I feel strong enough for that last chat and then tell her, there won't be contact anymore until we have to clear out our shared flat end of July. Afterwards she'll leave the country anyway.

Please advice...

[Syzygy]

If you feel you must convey your message, I would advise you to simply write a letter to her with everything you need to say. Don't speak with her face to face and make sure you mail it - don't hand it to her.

That aside, I feel like you shouldn't even bother at all. I understand that you feel like you need to tell her your side but to be honest, she doesn't care. No matter how agonizing/depressing/angry your story is, the bottom line is she's moved on and doesn't care about your feelings.

All those feelings you feel you must convey - write it in a diary or a journal. Years from now, you will look back and be glad that you didn't indulge her in your feelings.

[nikosmom]

Hi guys,

short situation description:
... I knew it wasn't going well. There is also another man involved, but I don't really know, what's going on there. I do have indications since I got information and she seems to love him (don't know about fallen in love).

...she told me straight that she doesn't love me anymore and there is no way back. ... I need to tell her my side of the story. I didn't get the chance to. I know that there is no way of getting her back, but still, I know I need that for myself.
She said that she doesn't want to fight for us anymore and I can't do a thing about it. ...
Of course there is still this ray of hope... I am clear that there is no way ... I don't know what meeting her will do to me. It might be healing or just devastating.

It is a tough decision... I know that everybody is saying, don't break NC ... there won't be contact anymore until we have to clear out our shared flat end of July. Afterwards she'll leave the country anyway.

You seem to know that it's useless... why bother?

1. She is already involved with someone else
2. She said there's no way that you'll get back together
3. She's not interested in making the relationship work
4. Said she doesn't love you anymore
5. She'll be leaving the country anyway

Umm, again I ask: Why bother?

There's a reason why everyone is telling you not to break NC: you need to pick up the pieces and move on. She has.

[Tando]

Thank you man.

I already thought about a letter, too. But with a letter, she can't see the process I already made.

The thing is, I don't believe she doesn't care about my feelings, because she was still very close during the week in between our break-up and when I moved out. She does care about me, I am sure of that.

The thing is, I would enter this chat with the knowledge that this is over. Of course my hope is in there, my hope to show her, that the person she fell in love with, is still present. I had a bad spell of depression running up to the break-up and wasn't able to tell her what is wrong and what I need. I am on the edge of letting go, but can't do the step.

I feel like I need to take my last stand, my last opportunity although there might not be a chance. I need to see her, her reaction and her "coldness" as well in order to let go completely. I'd go there and tell her, just listen... don't say anything... and in the end I will tell her: This is my only and last try. From here, I will be out of your life until I'm completely healed. What you do with this chat is totally up to you. I did what I could do and it is over for me at this point. It feels like unfinished business. Damned, I would lve to be able to describe it better and deeper.

Of course I hope for something to happen within her, but this is not the main character of the chat. I want to be heard because I never made myself heard and that's something she missed as well. I never really stood up for me, I accepted almost everything from her side. I need that for my self-esteem and self-confidence...

[Flesh]

Dude I can tell you right now what is going to happen, and it's the REALITY of the situation, she is done with you... tell me if you were talking to another woman and had another woman, would you care to talk to her (ex), no your needs that were being fulfilled by your ex are now being fulfilled by the new woman. Your chic did the most hardcore thing to you, she moved on fast, happens to the best of us, and wiether she is in love, or not does not matter, she is being loved and I suggest you take your pride, your self-esteem and go elsewhere, not all battles are worth fighting for and these wounds do not heal easly and they leave NASTY SCARS!!

Your side is worthless to her, its not going to change a thing, if she was not getting laid by someone else you might have had a chance to talk to her, I am sorry for being harsh but you need it man, SHE HAS SOMEONE WHERE YOU USED TO BE, GET IT, she does not need you anymore and all your contact will do is make you feel dumb, and make her smile inside, YOU DO NOT WANT TO OPEN THAT WOUND, you will have to heal it all over again, you need to find your peace with yourself, I suggest you just write how you feel on a piece of paper and every time you need to say or express something to her you do it that way, I also suggest you meet someone, I do not care what anyone says, meeting someone is the best way to get over someone, your girl knew it, watch dude do not contact her for another 6 months... see if she tries to contact you... she didn't I know she's not going to, she is OVER YOU, SHE IS GETTING IT FROM SOMEONE ELSE AND IF YOU WERE YOU WOULD NOT CARE ABOUT IT EITHER, but I mean its your choice my friend, but trust me, everybody plays the fool sometime, you loved her a TON and she did not love you as much, I can tell, been there am there, anytime you feel the need to express your feelings just remember they mean nothing and I mean NOTHING TO HER, until she is single she is not even going to think of you too much. MOVE ON or prepare for some emotional insanity that is worse than what you are going through already.

Really man you got it bad dude, talking to her will only do one thing, hurt you more, there is not even a small chance it will make you feel better. Tell me when you get burnt what do you do, go jump in the fire to prove it was not stronger than you that you had a point to make to it... and what happens, your 2nd degree burns turn into 3rd degree burns, no matter your intention or will, because fire is fire my friend and it burns no matter how "tough" you are.

[Tando]

Hey Flesh,

I appreciate your openness and being straight forward. The thing is, I saw her being in physical pain about the Break-up. I know she feels bad. She tells me she moved on and probably I don't understand since it's not in my concept of being able to move on after such a short time.

She does care about me in some way. She was kind and caring in the break-up. She told me afterwards that she still wanted to know things from me, she wanted to assist me, she wanted to support me in any way. Probably that is also the bad conscience of hers, I am sure.

I do write an emotional diary already and that's where I got my strength from.

She is a good person and she doesn't want me bad basically. She would love to stay friends and be close to me one day in the future. She doesn't love me anymore, but she doesn't want to lose me either.

A week after the break-up, she already told the other guy that she loves him but at the same time, she gave me the biggest hug and told me about her work after she returned. Then I tried facing her with the issue and she became very defensive. It hurt her talking about the issue, emotionally and physically. It is all messed up somehow. I know that this man was able to give her everything I wasn't able to on the months before our break-up, but I think she still sees me as a beautiful person...

It is so hard... I see all your points, I've been there. She dumped me only 6 weeks before I have o hand in my final paper for uni. She kissed another man and spit on our relationship and disrespected me as a person, but I know this also hurt her... I saw it!!

It is all so ambivalent...

[Tando]

P.S.: Yes man, I would care to talk to her, because I believe that is the appropriate way. And by the way, I would never ever cheat on a partner. I was close, but never did.

Maybe you are right. Maybe I love(d) her much more than she did me, and my mistake withint he relationship was that I loved her too much and just accepted and forgot about myself... it is hard to realise that one can love too much...

[Wondergirl]

She was done with you long before she said it. And "she kissed another man and spit on our relationship and disrespected me as a person" -- "but I know this also hurt her"?? You must be joking!!

I'm betting she doesn't even remember your name.

[Tando]

It did hurt her... you haven't seen her the week after. Her emotional pain was present in her physical well-being. Her whole body was just sore. She also still allowed me close. We cuddled a bit, we hugged, we kissed (cheek) for farewell. We cared for each other until I moved out.

The break-up was hard for her, too. She wanted us to be together forever. We both fought for this badly and sacrificed a lot. The partnership was good with bad spells, it is only the break-up that is not fitting the picture.

She might've disrespected me during the kiss, but I know that she respects me as a person... and was keen to support me in any way possible after the break-up.

[Fr_Chuck]

The issue here is you are not moving on, you are wanting to go back to the relationship she has told you is over. You don't want to tell her anything you want to sell yourself to her.

You need to write it all in a journal that you can latter burn perhaps and keep doing the NC,

[Alty]

During the break-up she told me straight that she doesn't love me anymore and there is no way back.

What about that do you not understand?

I know that there is no way of getting her back, but still, I know I need that for myself.

Of course there is still this ray of hope

Of course my hope is in there, my hope to show her, that the person she fell in love with, is still present

Of course I hope for something to happen within her

She doesn't love me anymore

Read what you yourself wrote. She tells you it's over, she's in love with someone else. You claim to want this chat to get things off your chest, to tell your side of things, but every second line states the real reason you want this chat, to get her back. It's over!

The only person that will get hurt here is you. Breaking NC is the worst thing you could do.

I know you'll come back and tell me that you just want closure, she's a good person, you just want to clear the air, but, but, but, maybe she'll take you back. I'm telling you, she won't, she's moved on and could care less what you want or need.

She may want to be your friend, but neither one of you are ready for that yet.

NC, stick to it, move on, heal.

[Flesh]

Sounds to me you have made your decision, best of luck with it my man, just know I have been where you are, my ex said she would be their for me too and guess what that woman is nowhere to be found, if I died tomorrow she might turn up for the funeral.. if she does not have a hot date planned lol, get over it dude, cut your losses I know you have a lot in the pot, but if you want to win you have to know when to fold, and its usually when it's the hardest thing to do, when you think you have the best hand, when your like Im on a roll, I've got this nothing can take me down, than you see straight flush get busted by a royal and your pants as the rest of your money(self-esteem) gets taken and now instead of being left with a little something to work with your left with nothing and have to start all over again... I really worry for you man, just do not do it, go on a date to hang out, you do not have to sleep with her or be her b/f, just notice how being around and flirting with someone else makes you pretty much forget.. about the anger, the sadness, the regret, and the love that was not real.. I know it seemed that way, but you would still be together if it was their.. that is all I have for you... if you contact her you will be in for more pain more confusion more anger, more emotional choas.

Of course she still feels something for you, but her feelings for the other are more powerful, my ex and me were "friends" for 2 years after our initial break, eventually we both realized this was impossible and in those friend years hurt each other and scarred each other in terrible ways, you can not be friends there is too much sublime emotion, and you will just end up kidding yourself and hurting even more when you realize you just are not meant to be lovers or friends, look I am now a Christian and fully understand why God only wanted man to be with one person, because a broken heart is the most brutal of pains and most consuming of holes and you are getting sucked in and you just will not accept it, so do what you will, but know nothing will change and you will not feel better, at the best you will feel the same for real man FOR REAL AT THE BEST YOU WILL FEEL THE SAME, at the worst you will hurt for 2 times as long as you need to.

[Tando]

As I said before:

Yes, I do have hope, because we are/were special. I know that she does have a weak point for me.

I also know that we won't be able to come back together within the next two or three weeks or even two to three months. That's unreal and would be the wrong thing.

I know we are not ready to be friends, too. Honestly, I don't even know if I'll ever be ready to be friends with her. But that is also a time matter...

So you guys are saying, that a chat is definitely out of question... I see your point and probably I knew that myself. Nevertheless I can't just walk away like that and leave without fight.

What about the letter option?! Or stick to NC completely?!

[Tando]

Flash,

I did not make up my mind because all you guys are talking to me :-D. Thank you for that by the way. I really appreciate your comments, although some of them are harsh and, in my belief, too negative on her side.

She IS a good person, she HAS a huge heart and she DOES care about me. I am sure about all this. She tried very hard to make this partnership work and it was me who wasn't able to open up within the past months before the break-up. I look at all that from a different angle then her.

Our communication was down, although she tried all the time but I was not able to open up...

[Wondergirl]

Flash,

I did not make up my mind because all you guys are talking to me :-D. Thank you for that by the way. I really appreciate your comments, although some of them are harsh and, in my belief, too negative on her side.

She IS a good person, she HAS a huge heart and she DOES care about me. I am sure about all this. She tried very hard to make this partnership work and it was me who wasn't able to open up within the past months before the break-up. I look at all that from a different angle then her.

Our communication was down, although she tried all the time but I was not able to open up...

Be sure to report back to us after you meet with her. We'll be waiting.

[Tando]

I do not know if I will meet up...

I see all the dangers within it, I see all the pros and more even the cons, I am very reflected in a way and not in another way.

My head tells me to move on, but my heart won't allow. And this is a time matter, I know.

The thing is, I planned my life around that partnership. I set my life up for it. I neglected myself and my other goals, but I did it in the best interest and knowledge. I don't want to regret.

Somehow I do have the feeling that I need a last huge slap in the face to be ready to let go completely... I am on the road, but not on the highway... Even though all the signs of a clean cut are present, I can't realise and I don't know how to move on despite of receiving that last huge slap...

My agenda is:

I want to be heard
I want to stand my last fight
I want to kill that last ray of hope within me
I want to keep face in front of myself by fighting and not just walking away
I want the full and hard truth, because I might need it to heal and move on

At the same time, I can see myself again. That wonderful person, that wonderful man with my unique abilities to brighten up other people's lifes. My contagious personality, my great laugh, my ability to bring love and happiness and people lifes. I am back in touch with me and back in touch with the person she fell in love with. True, I want to somehow "sell" me to her, but because I believe I am worth being bought :-D.

And of course not below a certain price limit. And again, if there might be hope for us in the future, it shouldn't be me to take the first step... I feel that the ball is on my side, but actually it is in hers...

[Tando]

Guys, last issue for now :-).

I decided not to have the conversation right now.
But I wonder if I can contact her shortly via Facebook and ask her to assist me moving on. And I know this is in her interest, too.

I want to ask her three questions:

1. Are you willing to hear me?
2. Have you moved on completely?
3. Are you romantically involved with another man?

If she respects me, she will reply honestly and according to these answers, I can find my peace... I may not need to meet up, but still get the slap in my face that I need. How does that sound to you?!

[Wondergirl]

Guys, last issue for now :-).

I decided not to have the conversation right now.
But I wonder if I can contact her shortly via facebook and ask her to assist me moving on. And I know this is in her interest, too.

I want to ask her three questions:

1. Are you willing to hear me?
2. Have you moved on completely?
3. Are you romantically involved with another man?

If she respects me, she will reply honestly and according to these answers, I can find my peace... I may not need to meet up, but still get the slap in my face that I need. How does that sound to you?!?

She has not contacted you, has she? If she were still interested in you, she would stop at nothing to get hold of you. Yes, she has moved on completely.

Do not contact her on Facebook. She can do nothing to assist your moving on. There is only one person who can -- YOU!

Contacting her on Facebook is NOT in her interest! Nor is it in yours.

She will not slap you in the face. She will merely think you are pathetic.

[Tando]

I don't think she will look at me being pathetic... this is not an emotion she will feel for me... you see, she said she doesn't want to give us another shot because she is afraid of regretting the relationship then and she might start disliking me.

That means that at the current moment she still likes me. And maybe this is what I need to keep for me... I know she doesn't hold a grudge against me... and I showed her what love is... maybe that was my task in that time and now it is time for her to find the other things in other men (man) and continues her life just like that. I was able to offer the best I have to her and infect her with it. I achieved my goal and although it is hard, I will be and stay the man, who did that for her. It also helps me in the process a little bit, but also shows me once again that love is not everything.

I just hope that she won't give herself away for less than the amount of love I was offering her. I don't wish her bad, because she is an amazing person with her mistakes. I also see her bad sides, but I am a very accepting and tolerant person. I can get along with little. My task in life is to give love, to offer love, to show love and to life love. I am a kind of man who warms up other peoples hearts and I can make them smile, I am contagious with joy and a fascinating personality.

I know all that and I also know that I am a rare species of man (geeze, that sounds so corny, but I think I need that for me at the moment :-)

And I need to do the same. She gave me so much, she allowed me to feel unconditional love and I handled it wrongly. I never knew that loving someone too much is also wrong... especially if I let myself and the love to myself go away...
Maybe I don't realise it yet, but there will be another woman who will be more than happy to receive all the beautiful things I have to offer. It will take time and I need to be patient with me and my process. It will take me a long time and time is what I need. But one day, there will be another woman coming my way and just blow me away...

But this is something I learn from this partnership. I need to be honest, I need to stand up for me, I need to be able to show weaknesses and I need to stand my ground...

I bowed too much, I tried to change me for her, I tried to become the man of her dreams not realising that I am the man of her dreams, just in a different kind. And if I'd stand up for myself, she might've been able to adapt easier...

It is not only my loss, it is also her loss. She just deals with it better and I know she appreciates our time and my presence in her life. That is also a reason why I believe she won't think I'm pathetic.

She honours me as a person and, I guess, realised that I changed and didn't seem so happy anymore. It was not only a split for her, but also for me. And I can see it already...

Guys, I'm moving on slowly... I'm letting go... I can feel it, but at the same time I feel so much pain, so much hurt, so much ache. I never thought I will feel like that. This shows me, that I am so deeply in love with that woman and I also know, that I need to keep away from her.

Still, it is a tough decision, because I can see my process and I know I'm on a good way and I believe this chat won't set me back further, but also contribute to me finding pride in myself... to me being able to look in the mirror and say: You did really everything you could to make this work... because after this chat, there is really nothing else I can do, nothing else... and I would leave that chat and tell her: This is it... this is all I wanted to say and I wanted you to know. I know that probably it won't change a thing (although I admit this little ray of hope), especially in the nearby future, but I needed that for me. I needed to stand up for myself for a change and gain back myself in not just walking away without telling her my part and just be accepting - the way I was throughout the partnership... I just believe this would be a big step for me, too.

Well, I could go on forever and forever. Trying to compare pros and cons...

Guys, I really appreciate all your input and I can see all your points and your concern about my well-being as well. Thank you guys!!

I think I need to observe my process from here for another few days and then look at me again... maybe by then I don't have the feeling of talking to her anymore... let's see...

But I still look forward to receive posts, especially in concern to this post...

[nikosmom]

The OP obviously has his mind made up as to what he's going to do regardless of the advice to not contact her and walk away. So I don't see why any of us are continuing to try to talk him out of it.

Several valid points have been made for him to move forward with his life and each has been countered with "but I need to talk to her", "should I contact her?"... so hopefully he will read over the advice given and make a step towards healing- and not expecting her to do it.

She will not 'help' you heal. She has moved on. She has a new man. She's said she doesn't love you anymore and doesn't want to try to make anything work with you. She does not call/text/tweet/myspace/facebook/IM you so she doesn't want to talk to you.

How much plainer can it be??