[Bubbs22]

I have been having an affair for almost 8 years now. I know he loves me through his actions and the way he is with me when we are together. I don't expect him to leave his wife and never have I asked him, he knows this as I have told him. Just recently though I told him I loved him. This as caused many arguments between us as when I say to him I love him his answer is always 'thankyou' this upsets me so much because I know he loves me too but he will not say it back to me. He knows how I feel about this and how much it hurts me. When we get into conversations about this all he keeps saying is actions speak louder than words... I tell him I know this but I am a very verbal person and I feel I need to hear this from him...
What do I do ? We are both married, and have no intenstions of leaving our partners. I just feel so hurt as we are best of friends and I don't want to loose this but now am feeling I have over stept the line with him and now wondering whether our relationship should end as it is now becoming too complicated.
Please any advise would be grateful.

[none12345]

It should end. Why are you asking if your affair should end or not when both of you are married to another person? I think you know the answer to that.

Maybe because he doesn't say it back, because he doesn't love you. You don't know if he does or not and you can't tell by his actions, he could probably be just using you and acting all sweet or whatever just to get you in bed with him.

[Kaitlyn1988]

First of all, neither of you can technically love each other or your spouses, because, if you did, there would be something called loyalty involved.
But aside from this factor, if you were both single and just dating one another, the fact that he will not say "i love you" after so long is a definite warning sign. It means that his feelings are not that deep, and if you have been together that long and he doesn't feel that way, he's never going to.
It seems to me that you are stretching yourself a little thin and not being fair to yourself or anyone else in this twisted web.
You are in an affair with someone who obviously does not care about you as deeply as you want him to. Your husband, while he may love you deeply, does not have that love from you because you are not being faithful. Your affair partner is not being fair to himself or his wife either.
If you really want a deep and satisfying relationship, the only way you could do that would be to break it off with both partners and spend some time on your own discovering why things went this way.
What went wrong in your marriage to make you look for love outside of it? And then when the time is right for you, look for someone who can complete you, so you don't have to go looking outside of him for what you need.

[talaniman]

What do you expect from a lying cheater? You have life, and BS all mixed up.

[chuff]

So if I understand this correctly.

1. You cheat on your husband.
2. He cheats on his wife.
3. You've been having sex for 8 years.
4. It suddenly dawned on you after 8 of him cheating on his wife and you cheating on your husband that you love him.
5. He won't tell you that he loves you.
6. You know he does.

If I understand all the above correctly I have to say, just keep trying a little harder because you two deserve each other.

[I wish]

What do I do ? We are both married, and have no intenstions of leaving our partners.

You already answer your own question. STOP CHEATING, leave each other alone and focus on your own marriage.

You guys have been cheating for so long that you think it's normal.

[Bubbs22]

You already answer your own question. STOP CHEATING, leave each other alone and focus on your own marriage.

You guys have been cheating for so long that you think it's normal.

And what about this very strong friendship... what then happens to that.. I understand totally what you guys are saying... but I don't want to lose this person as a friend as he is my best friend. It's so all confusing. :(:confused:

[bizygurl]

First of all you both are married. Your both cheating. I don't care whether your "cheated on spouses" know about your affair or not. There is obviously NO LOVE going on here. You have no love for each other, because if you did, you would end your marriages and move on with your lives together. You obviuosly don't love your spouses because if that was the case, you wouldn't be cheating. Right? Oh I'm sure you feel that you love him but how can you really, when you both have spouses involved. Maybe he would have more free reighn of saying I love you, if he wasn't with his wife.

Either stop cheating and move on with your life with your spouse, Or end your marriages to be together. If he is unwilling to end his.. then you have a decision to make. Affairs weren't meant to be "easy".. if you embark on one then prepared not to get everything you want. Just doesn't happen that way.

[I wish]

And what about this very strong friendship ... what then happens to that .. i understand totaly what you guys are saying... but i don't want to lose this person as a friend as he is my best friend. It's so all confusing. :(:confused:

You sound extremely confused. You're mixing up friendship and a person that you cheat with.

You can be friends if you stop having feelings for him. We're telling you to stop cheating. You don't need to have an affair with your best friend to keep them as your best friend.

[chuff]

And what about this very strong friendship ... what then happens to that .. i understand totaly what you guys are saying... but i don't want to lose this person as a friend as he is my best friend. It's so all confusing. :(:confused:

You are the one confused. This is not confusing. This is a serious question. Do you feel you have to have sex with someone for them to like you? Everything you write so far suggests you have no confidence in yourself that people can just like you for you.

[Bubbs22]

You are the one confused. This is not confusing. This is a serious question. Do you feel you have to have sex with someone for them to like you? Everything you write so far suggests you have no confidence in yourself that people can just like you for you.

:( I agree I don't have much confidence...

[chuff]

:( I agree i don't have much confidence......

Well that's a start. You've at least recognized you have a problem. So instead of begging him for 3 words he doesn't mean and giving him a piece of yourself to beg for his attention why not spend that time learing to love yourself?

[bizygurl]

:( I agree i don't have much confidence......

Bubbs22, Your confidence isn't going to get much better if you continue on this way. Your with a man who cannot entirely give 100% of himself to you. You are basically "sharing" this man with another woman. AND he doesn't have the decency to make a decision. As a lover or a friend, this man is doing you a diservice. Have you thought that maybe he does all these things for you because he wants to keep you around for sex? Because that's what it seems like to all of us. You deserve better than this and so does your spouse. If you feel that there is no hope for you and your spouse than make the grown up decision to get out of it and find someone who will love you and be with you 100%. Because this situation is very toxic for everyone involved. Good luck

[Bubbs22]

I agree totally with all your contributions and now feel I must sort all this out once and for all... due to my lack of confidence I haven't a clue where I amgoing to start though... why can't life just be easy...

[talaniman]

why can't life just be easy...

I ask myself that all the time, haven't figured that part out.

I think you need to ask yourself why are you cheating on your husband? Is he a lousy partner, or what?

[Bubbs22]

:( Yes I wish life was easy too! Where do I start? I'm scared I'm going to lose this person as a friend.. you have all clearly said how he is using me for one thing only.. So tell me how do I go about starting the ball rolling. As much as I love him I know I have to do this for myself and my husband, who I do adore and he also adores me... Why I have cheated for the past 8 years.. I don't know!! My hubby works away through the week driving (not trying to justify what I have done) I suppose I liked the attention and from there it just snowballed. I have been very stupid in letting this person manipulate me.

[talaniman]

Start by ending this affair, and finding ways to get attention that are positive, and within the boundaries of good behavior.

Volunteering
Hobbies
Girlfriends
Social Clubs
Healthy activities
Classes
Church groups, in other words a life that you enjoy.

Forget being his friend, or keeping him in your life. Make some healthy friends.

That's a start. Complete No Contact with him in any way!! No excuses.

[Davey2009]

Your question caught my eye because I often tell my wife I love her & she will just say well show it in your actions, anyway I would not judge you in a perfect life no one would ever cheat or lie but its not that easy is it, my advice is this has run its course & it is time to let go try your best to build on your committed relationship.
Oh good luck !

[chuff]

I agree totally with all your contributions and now feel i must sort all this out once and for all... due to my lack of confidence i havn't a clue where i amgoing to start though.....

Start by asking what you are getting from cheating. Start by asking yourself what behaviors and actions you can take that will lead to building some confidence. What behaviors and actions will take it away. Ask yourself why you have to seek the approval of others for you to like you. If there is something you don't like about yourself either correct it or forgive it.

why can't life just be easy....

That is a self sabotage question. If you ask yourself why can't life just be easy, your brain will give you answers and you will behave in such a way to verify this. If you asked yourself, "Why is life so great" or "Why am I so lucky?" your brain will start giving you answers. If you do this long enough you sub-consious will start behaving in such a way to allow these answers to become true.

[none12345]

:( Yes I wish life was easy too! where do i start? I'm scared i'm going to lose this person as a friend.. you have all clearly said how he is using me for one thing only .. So tell me how do I go about starting the ball rolling. As much as I love him I know I have to do this for myself and my husband, who I do adore and he also adores me... Why i have cheated for the past 8 years ..I don't know !!! My hubby works away through the week driving (not trying to justify what i have done) i suppose i liked the attention and from there it just snowballed. I have been very stupid in letting this person manipulate me.

Who cares if you lose your friendship with person, you're husband should be more important. Have you forgotten your vows you took when you married him? I seriously think you should leave this guy alone and leave him in the past and work on what's more important, your marriage.

Start by doing that, and by being honest with your husband and tell him what you did. If you don't and he finds out himself it ll be even worse. Try to go see him if you can and spend some quality time to rebuild the marriage.