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danni_sweetie · Jun 5, 2009, 02:13 PM

So I met this guy online back in like November I want to say. We were talking online and via phone for a while. It was an instant connection. He lived in PA and I live in IN. He decided to make the 12 hour drive from PA to IN to come see me for a few days. He stayed for 5 days then went back to PA for drill packed up all his things and asked if he could move in. I said yes, he was moved in within a few days. It only took that one trip to get all his things so that was simple enough.
I met his family on mother's day weekend me and my 11 month old daughter took the 12 hour drive with him to PA. It was great they loved me, my daughter, and I loved them.
Then after him living with me for a little over 4 months he decided on Monday to break up with me. But here is where things get confusing and weird.
Before Brian was talking about getting married and he wanted to adopt my daughter since her father wants to sign over his rights and the only way he can do that is if someone else adopts her. Well I said no at first then after the 4th month of him living with me I realized how great he was with my daughter and how much I love him and so on so I agreed. But he said he wanted to wait till we were married. No biggie but why ask if you were going to have that reaction?
Brian first broke up with me saying that he couldn't take the fact that my daughter wasn't his. That he thought he could handle this but realizes now he can't. He could barely take care of his self let alone another person. That he still loves me and is still in love with me but his feelings just aren't the same. Like they are disappearing slowly over the last week.
I thought about this and I am like the guy who had asked to adopt her, taken care of her for months now, and everything he is saying he can't take care of her when in over all he is a baby hog when he is around anyone in my family is lucky to even get her. I know he loves her for months he has been doing diapers, bottles, playtime, and teaching her tons of things.
So I asked him again to which he said that his feeling are just vanishing and he feels annoyed with himself. So we talked a third time to where he said that I was jealous, stubborn, and he didn't feel like he didn't get enough alone time.
I always told brian to have his guy time or whatever but he said he hated going places without me, I was jealous in the beginning because brian told me he still liked an old crush to which called and text daily almost. And their conversations were always in private at that. But he broke his phone about 2-3 months into the relationship stopping all contact with her and I was like whatever. Nothing to worry about now.
Well brian lives with me now and I told him he can stay till he gets money to get on his feet.
I am totally heart broken, totally crushed beyond beliefe.
He sees me cry all the time and he will hold me kiss my head or forehead and wipe my tears away, he sleeps with me at night still, nothing goes on though. We did have two rolls in the sack since the breakup which was Monday today being Friday. One happened right after we broke up he said it was break up sex to remind me what I would be missing. Sounds stupid. The other was thursday(yesterday) I don't know what was. I asked him if he thought about resuming our relationship after he moved out and we both had space. He said he didn't think about it at all and just wanted to be alone he doesn't know if he will think about it in the future. But he did say he was sorry.

I just don't understand what is happening? I mean he keeps mentioning how he wants to be with me and this is hard on him. How he still loves and cares about me... But if all this is true then why is he leaving? And if it isn't true why is he comforting me while I ball my eyes out over him?

I know this was very long but I felt like you needed the full story to completely understand. I also don't get why every time the topic comes up and repete what his reasonings for it last time were he denies what he previously said and changes the story.
This weekend he is going out to the bar fri, sat, and sun. which whatever I mean he needs space right?
He has mentioned to me about how he can have a new girlfriend anyday and jokingly talks about his new girlfriend... which he says he is just kidding that he doesn't have a new girlfriend.
I have noticed an increase in grooming recently though... hair gel, teeth brushing, now this waxing thing which of course he asked me to do. Seems weird. I haven't seen him wear anything stupid to work in weeks either. He always deleted his call log on his phone in the past. But I haven't looked or even tried to look recently. I really don't think it is another girl. I mean there is no way. But then again something had to happen for this dramatic change and all the changes of stories...

Please help! I don't know if I should move on or if this is just something that he is going through maybe he freaked about something or there is something else behind it.

Danielle

N0help4u · Jun 7, 2009, 04:03 PM

You are torturing yourself by letting him stay there when he made his wishes to break up known to you. You need to give him ultimatiums. As long as he is living with you he will take his situation for granted and never come to terms with if he really wants out or he wants to stay. He is staying right now because you are convenient. Why buy the cow when the milk is free. Also having sex with him after he has said he doesn't want you any more will add to his not happy that you have a daughter. Most guys that have a problem with you 'being damaged goods' think you are a slut if you mess around with someone that is not interested. So he most likely is using the double standard that it is okay for a guy to mess around but he wants a 'good wholesome' girl to be with in the end. He got caught up in you emotionally but now he is re evaluating and decided you are not good enough for him because of your past.

Maybe he has come to realize he wants to be with the other girl, maybe he has bi polar,

You really didn't know a thing about him when you let him move in. Now you are learning he has this side to him. Most likely it isn't going to just vanish and everything back to where it was. Basically the honeymoon is over and he got cold feet. He probably doesn't know love is about commitment and not emotions.

danni_sweetie · Jun 22, 2009, 04:13 PM

My boyfriend and I just started dating. Although we have been friends for quite some time and he is my brother's best friend at that we are new with the whole "us". Anyway, my boyfriend and his dad went at it today and said that I am just using him and that he would not accept my daughter nor does he want my daughter apart of anything that has to do with them. His dad said a lot of mean things about me which hurt me but what he said about my daughter angered me. My daughter is only one and she doesn't understand this crap or anything.
I guess my question being is what do I do? Do I stay with him and hope it gets better? Or do I leave for fear my daughter gets hurt later down the line?

justcurious55 · Jun 22, 2009, 04:48 PM

I think the more important thing here is what does your boyfriend have to say? Not so much what his father thinks. My boyfriend's brother's girlfriend (sorry if that's confusing, I had to think it out as I typed it lol) has 3 children. My boyfriend's father hates it. We often all go out as a group to dinner or lunch. When my boyfriend's brother started dating this woman, he stopped being invited to anything because his dad didn't want the girlfriend or her children present. Now, they've been together for a while and moved in together. The father still doesn't like the situation, but now he invites his son to things again and will sometimes add "you can bring the kids if you have to babysit..." so far, his son seems to have no intention of leaving the woman. He doesn't care what his dad thinks. But I don't know what your boyfriend is like. If he's the type that's going to listen to his father it's probably going to end badly. But if there's any chance of his father coming around or with your boyfriend being able to deal with it all, it might be worth it for you to try to stick with him.

I just have to add, I think its great that you think of your daughter in this. Some women only think of themselves when dating (like my mother... )

I wish · Jun 22, 2009, 04:48 PM

Sometimes when parents set their minds on something, it's very difficult to change.

If you decide to go forward, maybe there is a chance that he will change his mind, but be prepared for him to hold a grudge forever. Otherwise you will set yourself up fir disappointment.

danni_sweetie · Jun 22, 2009, 05:03 PM

Well Jason talked with his dad and he said that he didn't care they got into a big fight. But you have to understand I am a single mother. My daughter's father doesn't want anything to do with her and I am not looking for a replacement but I don't think it is healthy to have people turn her away for no reason to hate her for no reason. They may not want her to be instant family but to shut her out so quick is wrong beyond belief. I mean I am the one who had a baby she didn't choose to be in this situation. I just don't understand what this man's deal is. Jason ended up leaving his fathers house really upset and I guess they aren't talking any longer. I didn't want him to push his family away for me. This is all getting so crazy so fast!

I wish · Jun 22, 2009, 05:08 PM

This is all your boyfriend's choice. It's up to him what kind of relationship he wants with his parents.

What you should concern yourself with is what's in the best interest of your child and what you want in your boyfriend.

bizygurl · Jun 22, 2009, 05:16 PM

It sounds to me that your bf's father has something againts you, not your daughter. Whatever his hang up he has with you, or animosity is with you. Sounds like he is saying these things to hurt you and what better way to do that then to project his bitterness onto your daughter. Your daughter is innocent but people who are angry are going to target the thing that means the most to you in attempt to hurt you.

She is young, right now she doesn't know his bitterness. So if you decide to stay then there is time for him to get over his issues. But then again, he may not, and as she gets older he may reject her. Now you as a mom at that point have to decide what's more important, this relationship or your daughters emotional state. I can tell you as a mom of two little girls.. grudge or no grudge.. if my girls were being treated like crap by anyoneI would find away to remove them from the situation that was hurting them. Children don't deserve that treatment, ever! If his issues carry into her childhood, and he's obvious about it, she is going to be effected by it.

danni_sweetie · Jun 22, 2009, 05:25 PM

Originally Posted by bizygurl

It sounds to me that your bf's father has something againts you, not your daughter. Whatever his hang up he has with you, or animosity is with you. Sounds like he is saying these things to hurt you and what better way to do that then to project his bitterness onto your daughter. Your daughter is innocent but people who are angry are going to target the thing that means the most to you in attempt to hurt you.

She is young, right now she doesnt know his bitterness. So if you decide to stay then there is time for him to get over his issues. But then again, he may not, and as she gets older he may reject her. Now you as a mom at that point have to decide what's more important, this relationship or your daughters emotional state. I can tell you as a mom of two little girls..grudge or no grudge..if my girls were being treated like crap by anyoneI would find away to remove them from the situation that was hurting them. Children dont deserve that treatment, ever! If his issues carry into her childhood, and hes obvious about it, she is going to be effected by it.

So you think I should just hang in there for a little and see if he comes around later?

I wish · Jun 22, 2009, 05:28 PM

Whatever you do, make sure you are acting in your child's best interest.

danni_sweetie · Jun 22, 2009, 05:30 PM

Originally Posted by I wish

First of all, if you have so many doubts about your current boyfriend, then you should either try to work out your concerns with him or break up with him.

As for the new guy, you shouldn't even be considering whether he's a potential boyfriend until you sort things out with your current boyfriend.

There is no new guy or old guy! There is just one guy! Lol...

JBeaucaire · Jun 22, 2009, 05:34 PM

I think that as long as there is a little girl in need of protecting, you protect her. Period. You're the grownup, you are her rock. You do whatever you have to do to see that she is showered with love and grace and joy.

Your daughter only gets one chance to grow up safe, Covet that for her and make it happen. That's what you do.

If you cannot do that with this boyfriend because of the poison his father brings to the table, then that's a fact you cannot ignore.

Physical harm is NOT the only thing you have to protect her from. You have to protect her from the mental EVIL the world can throw until she's old enough to handle it maturely.

You're old enough to face evil like the father is spewing and "possibly" handle it well. (Possibly... even you may not be able to handle it. Admit it.)

That means you may not get to do everything you want.

Does it it suck to give in to this ingrate father and possibly give him what he wants... yes. But do you do it if it's the best protection for you daughter?. of course you do.

justcurious55 · Jun 22, 2009, 05:34 PM

New guy? Did I miss something?

I was going to agree that yes, talk to your boyfriend and if he continues to want to be with you and your daughter regardless of what his father says, then yes, stick around and see how things go. Sometimes a week of not talking to someone can change people. A week or so of not talking to his son could maybe change his mind about you and your daughter. He might realize that a relationship with his son is more important than a grudge against you.

I wish · Jun 22, 2009, 05:36 PM

Originally Posted by danni_sweetie

there is no new guy or old guy! there is just one guy! lol....

Sorry about that, I got logged out of the forum and when I signed back in, submited my post to the wrong thread.

I changed my advice to be more appropriate.

Whatever you decide, make sure that you are acting in your child's best interest.

danni_sweetie · Jun 22, 2009, 05:41 PM

Originally Posted by justcurious55

new guy? did i miss something?

i was going to agree that yes, talk to your boyfriend and if he continues to want to be with you and your daughter regardless of what his father says, then yes, stick around and see how things go. sometimes a week of not talking to someone can change people. a week or so of not talking to his son could maybe change his mind about you and your daughter. he might realize that a relationship with his son is more important than a grudge against you.

This is true... Maybe this is really more Jason's fight then mine but I feel like I want to stick up for myself and my daughter I just don't know how.:confused:

justcurious55 · Jun 22, 2009, 05:59 PM

It seems like, at least for the moment, this isn't your battle to fight. He said these things to your boyfriend, your boyfriend needs to stand up for you and your daughter. Now, if this guy ever comes saying these things in front of you, that's a whole 'nother story.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 22, 2009, 06:21 PM

How does the boyfriend react.
So his dad or family does not like you or want to have anything to do with them, You are not with them,

If your boyfriend is willing to make the choice of you over them, great
If not move on down the road

bizygurl · Jun 23, 2009, 04:11 AM

Originally Posted by danni_sweetie

So you think I should just hang in there for a little and see if he comes around later?

That's up to you. If you really care about the man your with, there isn't a problem in staying for a little while to see if his father gets over this problem. BUT remember it won't be long before your daughter picks up on things. I agree with Iwish, whatever you decide do it with the best intentions for your daughter.

danni_sweetie · Jun 24, 2009, 03:16 PM

Well now that some time has gone by his father seems a little apologetic. Jason still isn't talking to him cause he says that he doesn't want to risk losing the best girl he has ever had for something his dad pulls all the time. The tension from Jason and I has gone down and his mother said that she likes me and would baby sit if I ever needed a sitter but I still don't feel that his dad is truly feeling any different about the situation but just missing his son always talking to him and what not.

N0help4u · Jun 24, 2009, 03:22 PM

I agree with the others it is up to your boyfriend and you.
The dad will have to make the adjustments to whatever his decisions he makes more than you and your boyfriend.