[me123abc]

Hi, You folks have helped me in the past, I hope you can give me some insight this time. Three months ago my husband lost his job and I am not employed, we are financially strapped. Over 15 years ago our children graduated and were given monetary gifts from their uncle. This past week my husband and I drove over 5 hours to go to our nieces graduation,. having no income we could not afford to give her the same monetary gift of $100. The family had a small party all the cash and gifts flowed in... we opted to not give a card at this time because they were read out loud in front of everyone,, a little embarrassing if you didn't/couldn't give a gift. We planned to send her a gift later when we could afford it. After the party we slept in our tent in their back yard, leaving the following morning. Arriving home we received the following email from the father of the graduate. So, how do we handle this situation? Our niece Becky was 3 and 5 years old when our 2 children graduated.

Actual letter is below.

****John/Susan, Just wanted to drop you a line to let you know my feelings. First would like to thank you guys for coming up to Becky's graduation. I do appreciate that. But here's where it get's difficult I have always tried to hold my tongue to not embarrass people in certain situations or put a strain on a family relationship.

I first was not going to say anything but when your child ask why she didn't receive and gift or even a card from a family member when she knows here parents gave something to that family members 3 children well that's a difficult one to answer, because I have no clue why myself. Have I offended you guys in any way?

I know it has been difficult lately with your jobs and probably some financially so I could probably understand the money issue at least for now, but no card or anything just to recognize her accomplishment and maybe even say we can't afford a gift or cash right now and when we get back on are feet we will take care of it then. Would have been great and appreciated. We have always been generous to your children.

If you decide to disown me or stop talking to me that's your choice I hope you don't but I expected better from you guys even though we don't see each other that often I thought we had a good relationship. You're my big brother and Susan well you are like a sister to me I have known you so long and always got along with you and of course I hope you know how I feel about your kids. I hoped it was the same for you guys but maybe I was wrong.

If you don't want to participate in these traditions you should have said so when I gave each of your kids $100 dollars that you didn't believe in these practices because you won't when I have kids. At least would know in advance not to do it and then expect it years later, did you forget I gave your kids money I didn't. I was happy to do it.

If I don't hear from you then I know the answer, I am not mad by the why so I hope the letter doesn't sound that way just confused and disappointed*****


Any help would be appreciated. Thank you all.:confused:

[ballengerb1]

That fact that he sent an e-mail rather than making a telephone call says a lot. If you respond you should do it over the phone so he can hear the sincereity in your voice. He is hurt, his kid is hurt but he has no clue what straights you are in. Let him know your embarrassment and apologize for not sending a card. If he doesn't forgive you then that's his choice.

[me123abc]

Just wanted to add that this is a High School graduate. They knew H lost his job and has the usual home owner bills.

[jjwoodhull]

I think that you made a mistake in not giving a card. If you had acknowledged the situation at the time, it would not have led to hurt feelings or misunderstanding. Unfortunately, now it seems that any gift you do give will seem forced or insincere - which we know is not the case.

I think that you should call your niece immediately. Explain your situation. Be sure that she knows that you love her and are proud of her accomplishments. Be honest about the fact that you did not give a card in an effort to avoid an uncomfortable situation and now that plan has backfired. Let her know that you plan to send a gift before she leaves for college. (That will give you about 10 weeks to put aside $5 or $10 per week for her.)

If your brother in law's email was sincere and he truly wants to understand your thought process, then he will accept your explanation.

In the future, consider giving sentimental gifts that need not cost a lot.

[me123abc]

OK, well, I guess I am "Old School" ! If I were to "ask" or expect a gift for any event or celebration, I would have seen the shed house and right quick! For those that don't know, I wouldn't be able to sit for a week!! I just don't understand this "new" generation. You expect gifts and don't mind asking for them. In my time, that was considered RUDE. I guess it is the "norm" now and some may bend to the new social expectations, but not me. It is still RUDE and Inconsiderate to ASK for a GIFT. Where are the manners these days? I guess it is true, we have become a selfish materialistic society. So Sad.

[Fr_Chuck]

Not giving a card was in bad taste, you should have given him one, and should have called the uncle on the phone and explained that even driving there was hard on you.

By not letting them know ahead of time and not giving a card was in poor taste.

But of course he sending the email was the worst and totally out of line since that was very poor taste

[nikosmom]

I agree with the others that a card would've at least acknowledged that you were proud of your niece.

At this point though, you have to move forward and fix it (somehow). I agree with you OP that the graduate's father was rude by "asking" for a gift and reminding you of what he did for your children. That being said, call him up and explain your situation. Hopefully he and your niece will understand and accept your apology. Surely he watches the news and is aware that the economy has pretty much tanked. Just make sure that he realizes your intent was not to hurt her but to be able to give her a gift later. Perhaps she may need something for college that may be cheaper than the $100 gift and you can save a little there.

[Jake2008]

I personally would not beg for forgiveness for doing something that should not be required anyway.

Nor would I confirm what the brother already knew- that the parents were unemployed.

To offer a card, knowing that ALL other cards had money in them, would have a spotlight on their contribution, or non contribution, when opened in front of everybody.

The important thing was that you were there, but this is somehow missed by the brother. To point out the 'shortcomings' and presume that even though they were poor and having severe financial problems, surely they could have offered something, even a card, is just boorish, selfish, self-centered and totally rude. That is the very definition of a parent who has raised a child to be materialistic.

He should have taken the opportunity to tell his daughter that it is not okay to question why other people got money and she did not, and she should have been grateful that they cared enough about her to come in the first place.

[HistorianChick]

Reading that email... wow.

I'm kind of on the opposite side of this one. You drove, out of your way, to show up at the party. You did not impose yourself upon the family - you slept in a TENT in the back yard.

For your own personal feelings, you felt uncomfortable acknowledging the fact that you're having money troubles and made a decision based upon that choice. I don't think it was a wrong decision.

Could you have bought a card? Yes. Could you have saved the gas money and sent her a card? Sure. But, you chose to be a part of the experience rather than a part of her bank account or box of cards.

A graduation is a celebration of 12 years of school and a Bon Voyage into the big bad scary world of college exams and term papers. You chose to support your niece and share in her success...

I, personally, think it was in bad taste of your family member to send that email.

I'd call your niece, explain the situation, tell her that you wanted to be a part of her happy graduation memories, and wish her the best things life could offer. I wouldn't apologize for being tight on money - that's life.

I would choose to ignore the email from your family member. No good can come of replying to him, blowing it up, or etc. Mark it as a "huh, next time, we'll not go, we'll send a .99 card and wish them the best."

[bybgardner]

Wow, how sad is this story. I probably would have bought a card and given the card to her privately before leaving with a note: A gift will soon be coming your way. Short and sweet. This would eliminate the need of having to explain the money situation and the feeling of embarrassment. This would have also eliminated the question of why didn't I get a card? Plus you had no way of knowing that she would be opening the cards in fromt of everyone, so I am still unsure as to why you didn't even buy a card in the first place. I am also surprised that you slept in a tent and that they didn't even have a couch of sofas you could sleep on, even an air mattress or cots? Really?

Of course no one owes anyone a gift, that is why it is called a gift. He was inquiring because his daughter was upset thinking maybe you didn't like her enough to get her a gift, so he reacted to her hurt feelings. Can not fault a father for that. However, he should have explained maybe they forgot the card, maybe one is on the way and they are having financial issues and she would have immediately understood. Then her feeling would have been addressed and he would have appeased himself too. Always get a card and there are ways to handle the situation.

[Catsmine]

Wow, how sad is this story. I probably would have bought a card and given the card to her privately before leaving with a note: A gift will soon be coming your way. Short and sweet. This would eliminate the need of having to explain the money situation and the feeling of embarassment. This would have also eliminated the question of why didnt I get a card? Plus you had no way of knowing that she would be opening the cards in fromt of everyone, so I am still unsure as to why you didnt even buy a card in the first place. I am also suprised that you slept in a tent and that they didnt even have a couch of sofas you could sleep on, even an air mattress or cots? really?

Of course no one owes anyone a gift, that is why it is called a gift. He was inquiring because his daughter was upset thinking maybe you didnt like her enough to get her a gift, so he reacted to her hurt feelings. Can not fault a father for that. However, he should have explained maybe they forgot the card, maybe one is on the way and they are having financial issues and she would have immediately understood. Then her feeling would have been addressed and he would have appeased himself too. Always get a card and there are ways to handle the situation.

I hope you realize they have either made up or started shooting in the last year.

[AZTerra]

Just showing up when you are financially strapped, should have been seen as a nice gesture. Don't feel bad my brother and sister-in-law want me to go to my nieces graduation and they haven't really kept up with me. I don't even know what high school she goes to and don't know much about her. I might send a card but I won't send money or a gift to someone I hardly know. There would be no sense in becoming the family doormat, if he knew his own sister he would know that I'm not a doormat at all. Support is mutual and support should have been given for your situation. You don't have to be a doormat!