What to think

LUCKYFROG0 · Jun 1, 2009, 08:17 AM

Threads merged

I was married for 3 1/2 years to a good guy but there were definitely problems within our marriage. We both had anger and communication issues, and we both treated each other badly at times. He worked doing construction as a pipefitter but was often times laid off and didn't really ever try and get jobs while he was laid off. To me it seemed like he didn't understand the importrance of working steadly. He was laid off for 8 months doing pretty much nothing all day long, leaving me to pay the majority of the bills. We would constantly argue and fight about it. In late December we separated after a fight agreeing we both needed to improve ourselves and change how we treated each other. I took and anger management class which helped me greatly and still try to continue to improve myself and become a better person. He told me that he when we separted that he was going to get his own place since we moved back in with our parents get help with his anger issues, and show me that he really does love me, get a job and be responsible as a husband. 4 months went by and I really hadn't seen improvements and then found out that he had got a profile on an adult sexsite and had called a girl. When I asked him about this he first denied it and then later told me he did it because I had made him feel bad for saying that I had had enough and didn't want to be with him.For me that was the turning point for a divorce. I divorced him and he now tells me everyday through texting and calling that he is trying to change and do better and that he loves me but it goes in spurts he sometimes is very wishy washy I love the guy to death and truly do want our relationship to work out but can't take the disappointment and hurt of him saying he is going to change when nothing has changed yet. What do I think and do??

Justwantfair · Jun 1, 2009, 08:22 AM

You continue on your path. You may love this man, he may love you, but that doesn't mean that you can fix these problems alone.

He was given an opportunity to make improvements and follow through on his end of the agreement. He was the one who did... he lacks the ambition to follow through on anything that he does and when you return so will the problems, because it is unlikely he will go forth and continue to grow as person. Right now you have given the motivation, when that is gone, old habits will return.

I wish · Jun 1, 2009, 09:07 AM

This is a really tough situation. If you don't feel that he's making the appropriate effort and progress, then, he might not be the one for you.

There sometimes is a difference between loving a person and spending your lives together. When you are married, you are committed to each other and depend on each other. So you need to be able to count on each other. Sounds like you can't count on him.

The contrast is that you love him from a distance or maybe just as friends. In other words, you're not in a relationship, but you are happy if he is happy. I think you fall in the latter. You love him and want him to be happy, but you cannot depend on his as a wife should depend on her husband.

LUCKYFROG0 · Jun 3, 2009, 07:35 AM

How do I get my point across to my ex husband? He says he wants to be with me and that he is changing. He has had since January to prove himself to me but I haven't seen any changes except that he is nicer to be but that just could be because we don't live together anymore. I love him a lot and want things to work but how do I get across that if he isn't going to change then I don't want to be with him. I have told him I need space and he says OK only a couple hours later he is texting and calling saying he loves me. I just want him to take his part of responsibility in the relationship. What do I Do?? Any advise??

Justwantfair · Jun 3, 2009, 07:37 AM

Read through the rules of NC. Stick with them for now, give yourself some time and get a clear head about you.

You need to ignore the texts and calls, if he is not getting a response/reward, then he will stop the behavior. You asked for time, now it's time to take it.

LUCKYFROG0 · Jun 3, 2009, 07:40 AM

Won't that send him a message that I don't want him when in fact I do

LUCKYFROG0 · Jun 3, 2009, 07:48 AM

Will having nc push him further away or help him realize what he needs to work on??

Justwantfair · Jun 3, 2009, 08:04 AM

You have requested your space, you have to take it, more over, he has to take it if he is going make some decisions about changing.

If you are serious about reconciling with your divorced husband, why not suggest counseling for this time around.

LUCKYFROG0 · Jun 3, 2009, 08:22 AM

We have gone to counciling before

I wish · Jun 3, 2009, 08:32 AM

Please keep all your questions about the same issue in the same thread, so that we can follow the facts according.
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As for your situation. Both of you definitely need some time apart to figure things out. If you really cared about each other, time apart will only help you calm down and be more objective when you find each other.

You don't need to worry about how he's going to feel or the fact that no contact will make him think that you don't care about him.

You need to work on yourself first before talking to again. If this relationship is going to work out, you will find each other again.

david123456 · Jun 3, 2009, 10:49 AM

Does he know the mistake he has committed? I ask this cause if the individual doesn't know what he has done then it would be of no help to not contact him. Hers a suggestion you might want to consider let him know what is bothering you.

Justwantfair · Jun 3, 2009, 10:51 AM

Please keep your related questions together, people can not answer appropriately without the full story.

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Thank you.

HistorianChick · Jun 3, 2009, 10:52 AM

NC is not a means to an end to get a man back (or a woman, for that matter). It is a healing mechanism that will allow you to get over a breakup, work on yourself, and start your life anew.. without the influence of your past.

It's not a game. Nor is it a ploy to make someone realize what they've done wrong.

LUCKYFROG0 · Jun 7, 2009, 06:39 AM

My ex husband keeps telling me he wants to get back together and that he is changing slowly but I haven't really seen any improvements on his part. He tells me that he is really trying but I think otherwise because (I think that if someone truly wanted to be with you that they wouldn't waste anytime trying to do so) but maybe I am wrong. I can't take it anymore because he is being really wishy washy and its wearing on me.
The other day we kind of got into a tif because he wanted to know what I was doing and I told him nothing, that I might go see some friends and then I asked him what he had planned for that evening, he replied with Im going to wash my truck and go to bed because Im wiped out. I could sense that he wasn't being truthful about what he was doing. He asked if these friends were guys that I was going to see. I then said Why are you so worried about what I am doing. That made him mad and he said well I was just trying to see what your plans were because I wanted to take you to a movie, but whatever you. Wow that's hurtful I then said why didn't you just ask that question in the first place? He then said lets just quit playing mind games with each other. I had nothing really to say because I get tired of doing this. A couple of hours later he said Are you not talking to me now or what? I told him that I think we should go our separate ways and if we are truly met to be together that we would find each other and cross paths again.
He didn't respond back until like 5 hrs later. It was like 1 or 2 in the morning and he said that he was in bed and that he loved me. I never responded back and the next day he was texting me and calling all day I never responded to any of it. Why is he doing all of this I just don't get it? I love the guy a lot and want things to work out if he is willing to change a few things Its been six months now Is not responding to him the best thing to do? Please help

bizygurl · Jun 7, 2009, 06:56 AM

As a divorced woman I can relate to what your going through. For me, the first year of my divorce was very difficult, because like you, I left because my husband wouldn't get help for the issues he had.

Do you have children together? If you do then your conversations should only be about the kids. Don't let him talk about your relationship. You have the power to control that conversation.IF you don't and you really want to go your separate ways then don't respond to him, that's it. No children means NO reason to contact each other, EVER. Once that divorced his finalized then there is no reason. What you do with your time and who you hang out with is none of his business. And he doesn't have a right to get mad at you. Sometimes, I noticed that in the beginning its very hard for both spouses to get use to the idea that that person doesn't have to answer to them anymore, so they still think that they are at the liberty to have some sort of say. Don't take that too personally, he obviously has a hard time letting go, and given enough time that will probably stop.

I feel for you. I mean you obviously got divorced for a reason. Its not very often that someone ends a marriage without having a reason. From your story it sounds like your not completely closed to the chance of taking him back. But your worried about it. Take sometime, its only been six months. And like you said you want to see that he has improved. Than make that clear to him. IF this is the road you want to travel down then contacting him and staying in touch could possibly work in both of your favors.

But if you really don't want anything to do with this guy as far as relationships go then I wouldn't contact him, move on with your life and he his. Only you really know the answer for that. Remember why you got divorced in the first place.

LUCKYFROG0 · Jun 16, 2009, 07:12 AM

I was married for 3 1/2 years and finally couldn't deal with our fights and struggles. He constantly lied about everything and anything. I divorced him and then he was constantly texting me saying he wants to get back together and so on... he took a whole day off work for my birthday brought me 24 roses took me out to dinner and just constantly says that he missed me and that he was changing. Yes in the back of my mind I thought he would come around we would hang out here and there and go on over night trips butt hen I found out he was talking to other chicks and saying how he he was divorced and that how cool was that to all these girls. Well I went balistic on him and told him what a piece of he was and that he best never make contact with me again. My question is Im sad and hurt about all this. I cry everyday about it and constantly think how am I going to get through this It hurts so much. I am depressed about this and think there is no hope. What do I do please help

timothy friel · Jun 16, 2009, 08:23 AM

Some time lifes obsticles are just that and there nothing but obsticles, obviously you both love each other verry much and you both appear to be torn, but in this age and time, especially with the state of the economey, people need to be close to one another, its important if you do break up with him that its for the right reasons but it sounds like its not for the right reasons, any man who loves you and truly loves you would want to go with you to counseling and that's what I suggest, give him the benefit of the doubt and you both should at least try to salvage your relationship.

LUCKYFROG0 · Jun 16, 2009, 09:16 AM

We have tried just about everything

LUCKYFROG0 · Jun 16, 2009, 09:17 AM

Originally Posted by LUCKYFROG0

We have tried just about everything

How do I move on??

spitvenom · Jun 16, 2009, 09:25 AM

You have to start keep yourself busy. Get a new hobby. I assume if you are crying all day you are in your house. That isn't going to help you. Go out meet some new people (not someone to date but just some friends) . If you have time volunteer somewhere You just have to get your mind focused on something else.

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