[brasaga]

I met a wonderful woman during the summer and we hit it off from the beginning. She was pretty much the driving force during the first month. Near the end of two months of being together she began worrying about her finances, her chemical sensitivity became more of a problem and made her tired much of the time. She couldn’t sleep at my house because of the bedroom carpet and we couldn’t sleep in her bedroom because of the adhesive in the flooring, so she began spending many nights sleeping by herself on a daybed near a window.

After two weeks of this I felt that we were not as close anymore and tried to talk with her about our relationship. She said it was the natural ebb and flow, getting used to one another, then she fell silent during our ride home. Several times over the period of several weeks I tried to bring out some conversation but she said everything was OK. Still, things didn’t seem right but I was trying to be patient and understanding because of her chronic fatigue and lung problems. Finally, two weeks ago I made her talk and she declared that she wasn’t sure I was the person she wanted to spend her life with, but that she was attracted to me and wanted to just spend time together having fun and getting to know each other better.

A week later we talked some more, She said she was confused, she thought she was going through menopause, she had lost all interest in sex, that I can’t fix her health or her finances, etc. Then she suggested we date, start over again, like we just met. In an email response a couple of days later she agreed with me that a little time apart would be good for reflection and that she had lots to sort out on many fronts. We spent a week with no contact, then she came to a party at my house last Saturday, we had a friendly kiss and she let me walk her to her car when she left. We were glad to see one another.

Right now I know we need time apart, but I’m not sure if this has been a move towards breaking up, or, is she reassessing what he wants from our relationship. Maybe chemical problems, menopause, job dissatisfaction all contribute to the fact that she can’t love right now. Even as she seemed to drift away she continued to call and want to get together for dinner and do things together.

It is hard to fathom how this could go from being perfect to this casual in a month. I have thought that she might be depressed from illness, menopause, job, finances, and the sudden appearance of a man in her life where she had to confront commitment and all attendant issues.
Is she leaving me?
Is she just having a hard time personally?
Is she reevaluating this relationship?
Is she trying to make me a best friend and not a boyfriend?

Should I move on?
Should I be patient?
Should I give her plenty of time and space?
I know that pursuing her right now is not the thing to do.

[talaniman]

Be friends, everybody needs one.

[Wildcat21]

Wait it out - give her space.

[Knowledgefinder]

Space is always important from time to time in a relationship, no matter if a partner is asking for it or not. Give it time and if you feel the space is carrying on for longer than what makes you comfortable, move on from being a couple. Just be friends as Talaniman said. Being there for her is going to let her know that you really care for her. Giving her the space is also going to allow her to know that you're being supportive of her needs also.

Even so, it's very important that you do not forget yourself in all this, after all, you have needs and feelings too. Just as you are sympathetic to her feelings and needs, she needs to be sympathetic to yours as well. If she is not, then that's a sure sign that you don't belong together. You need to have someone that cares for both your needs and feelings too, not just theirs.

[Wildcat21]

You should expect to date. She knows wha tshe has with you.

I've dated a few divorced women and they are tough cookies - they know what they want and are willing to wait for it. They are very stubborn people.

She's growing some skin. She needs to know what else is out there.

[s_cianci]

Is she leaving me?
Is she just having a hard time personally?
Is she reevaluating this relationship?
Is she trying to make me a best friend and not a boyfriend?

Should I move on?
Should I be patient?
Should I give her plenty of time and space?
I know that pursuing her right now is not the thing to do.

I will answer your questions in the order in which you posed them ; maybe, probably, probably, doubtful, yes for now, YES!! and YES!! Again. Be prepared to lose her and let her realize that you don't need her in order to be happy. Make her miss you and want to be with you. That's why I've answered your last 3 questions in the affirmative. If you want things to have a chance to work out, then that's what you need to do.

[brasaga]

Thanks (to everybody).
We have not had any contact this week. It does me good to be away from her so I can get my feelings under control. I have reconciled myself that I will wait for her to get things clear in her mind. I just don't know if I should wait for her to suggest getting together, or make contact myself later next week. My inclination is that she should make that decision right now.

[Wildcat21]

I'd wait on this one.

Date others. Believe me.

She'll wonder what you're doing.

[jkwach]

I met a wonderful woman during the summer and we hit it off from the beginning. She was pretty much the driving force during the first month. Near the end of two months of being together she began worrying about her finances, her chemical sensitivity became more of a problem and made her tired much of the time. She couldn’t sleep at my house because of the bedroom carpet and we couldn’t sleep in her bedroom because of the adhesive in the flooring, so she began spending many nights sleeping by herself on a daybed near a window.

After two weeks of this I felt that we were not as close anymore and tried to talk with her about our relationship. She said it was the natural ebb and flow, getting used to one another, then she fell silent during our ride home. Several times over the period of several weeks I tried to bring out some conversation but she said everything was OK. Still, things didn’t seem right but I was trying to be patient and understanding because of her chronic fatigue and lung problems. Finally, two weeks ago I made her talk and she declared that she wasn’t sure I was the person she wanted to spend her life with, but that she was attracted to me and wanted to just spend time together having fun and getting to know each other better.

A week later we talked some more, She said she was confused, she thought she was going through menopause, she had lost all interest in sex, that I can’t fix her health or her finances, etc. Then she suggested we date, start over again, like we just met. In an email response a couple of days later she agreed with me that a little time apart would be good for reflection and that she had lots to sort out on many fronts. We spent a week with no contact, then she came to a party at my house last Saturday, we had a friendly kiss and she let me walk her to her car when she left. We were glad to see one another.

Right now I know we need time apart, but I’m not sure if this has been a move towards breaking up, or, is she reassessing what he wants from our relationship. Maybe chemical problems, menopause, job dissatisfaction all contribute to the fact that she can’t love right now. Even as she seemed to drift away she continued to call and want to get together for dinner and do things together.

It is hard to fathom how this could go from being perfect to this casual in a month. I have thought that she might be depressed from illness, menopause, job, finances, and the sudden appearance of a man in her life where she had to confront commitment and all attendant issues.
Is she leaving me?
Is she just having a hard time personally?
Is she reevaluating this relationship?
Is she trying to make me a best friend and not a boyfriend?

Should I move on?
Should I be patient?
Should I give her plenty of time and space?
I know that pursuing her right now is not the thing to do.

Hi. It is indeed a situation. But you are right: One thing you should not do is to push her. One worry that I have over you is that you seem to want to give her an excuse. This is dangerouse from the onset because you will always see her in a different light. You can end up not seeng glaring signals. It is one thing to try to understand and it is another to look for excuses for someoene. I tend to think you are more on the latter. I may be wrong but it does worry me... Secondly: I choose to answer this because I started a relationship in similar circumstances: She seemed reluctant, not sure, not decided, but still needing that contact. I waited for some while and then pressed on when I felt I could change her. Big mistake: Seven years later, she decides to leave and one of the things she says is that she was not ready from the start and was trying and hoping for improvement over the years. The start is critical iin my opinion because it tells intentions. Long term relationships CANNOT start of when one is not sure. She is not sure. I would also say you need to give her space and move on like Wildcat says. I however have a twist on mine: Do not move on just so that she can wonder what you are up to and come closer... I think that you need to make it clear and call a spade what it is. Have a serious talk with her: Site you concerns and state you intentions with reasons. If you read anything wrong, it would be her chance to correct it... Communication is paramount and if it has not happened thus far, it may as well never... If you pursue this any further, I think you are setting yourself up for trouble. Run away. It is one of those situation of I want you I want you not. These can go on for ever and she might be waiting for you to decide for her... in the sense of convincing her that the relationship is good. That is BAAAAD! It has to be her own decision in her own right. Move on bro!

[talaniman]

JK, Watch your dates guy, as this was posted in 2006.