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master88 · May 26, 2009, 06:33 PM

Threads merged

Hey everyone, this might be long, but its also very complicated, and it is one of the most important things that has happened in my life thus far.

I've been in 4 previous relationships, but the one that just ended was definitely the hardest. We are both 20 and just ended our Junior year of college. We had been good friends all through freshman year, and then started dating the summer before sophomore year. Everything was great for a year, we truly loved and cared for each other, and then I went to Prague for a 4 month study abroad program. We both waited for each other for those 4 months. When I got back we were still so in love with each other. I've heard from her friends that she was always counting down the days until I got back, and cried a lot.

She had also gotten into a term abroad for Germany for this Spring but did not go, and I know that her feeling she would miss me too much was part of the reason. I'm not sure why, but I got really stressed in the winter and had the most schoolwork I've ever had. Somedays we would only see each other when we slept over at each others rooms. I didn't really mean to but I ignored her more than I should have because I was juggling so much stuff. I did stupid things like invite her over my room, and then play videogames with my friends. I only did this like 4 times. It kept piling up however. She told me that she was getting frustrated that I wasn't making enough time for her. In the early spring I went to see her crew race and saw her race, but then left before she got back off the water. She was really offended that I didn't stay the whole time.

Finally the thing that put it over the edge was one weekend night where I drank too much alcohol and got blacked out. I acted very mean, and embarrassed her in front of all her friends. When she asked me to go back to my room and sleep alone I got offended and was banging on her window asking me to let me in. Now my intent wasn't to harm her, I just wanted her to let me in. I ended up banging so hard in my drunk state and breaking her window. After this I left, and the next day she told me we were done. This all happened a little over a month ago. More details about what's happened since then are in the next post if you care to read. Sorry for the length, but this whole thing is very complicated.

master88 · May 26, 2009, 06:49 PM

So we hung out the next two days after the breakup and she told me she loved me still but wanted me to learn what I had did to her. We said we didn't want to hook up with other people. Anyway, the first week after the I miss yous were going back and forth, after a week though she asked for space, so I gave it to her. Three weeks after the break I had heard that she had been seeing some other guy. I convinced her to talk to me and confronted her about it. She came clean and said they had hooked up, and that she was taking him to her formal. I was devastated and we both told each other that we should move on, and see other people. THe odd thing was she kept saying things I can't forgive you "yet", or "for now". Things of that nature. She also said if I came to her house in the summer that her parents wouldn't treat me any different. I then asked for my clothes back from her room. She said OK but didn't go get them initially. I had to ask her 3 more times until she finally drove the car we were talking in to her room and gave me my clothes. It ended with us hugging and her crying saying she didn't mean to hook up with him.

2 days later she was in my dorm and we made eye contact and then I went the other way. She sent me a text saying I thought we weren't going to be akward. So I went and said hi, and then she started crying. So we went to my room and she was crying her eyes out, she then said she loved me, and we hugged for awhile. I then said that maybe we should just hang out as friends once in awhile to maybe reconcile things. She said OK and to call her that week. So I called her and she ignored me twice on 2 different days. At that point I said it. I had my formal that weekend and took a different girl, and we ended up hooking up after it.

On the Monday after the formal, I got a text saying, "I'm sorry that I've been such a b1tch lately, and you don't deserve it." Later on that night she asked who I took to formal, I responded. And then she asked if we hooked up, and I told her yes we did. We then went and got ice cream that Thursday. We talked casually for awhile but then the break up came up again. I told her once again how sorry I was for how I had acted, she said I know, but you need to realize what you've lost. She then said " I love you, and will always love you, but you really hurt me, and I want you to realize that." We ended up hugging and holding hands.

Finally to where we are this week, she sent me a text yesterday out of the blue. She told me she was watching some show about housewives from New Jersey, which is where I'm from. I responded with a haha response and asked how her day was, and she then asked how mine was. Today we chatted on AIM, and I asked her if she wanted to get lunch or dinner tomorrow. She said "possibly dinner tomorrow, I have a big test on friday and my sister is visiting on thursday." She then said she'd be free after 5. So I said OK I'll see you tomorrow and have a good night. SHe said thanks you too.

Phew I'm sorry that was so long, but I really wanted you guys to get the entire story. I need the best advice I've ever needed in my life. I still love her, and I was the one who pushed her away. I've realized now how much she meant to me, and I'm appalled to what I did. Does she still want me and is just punishing me, or is she stringing me along. We leave school in 2 weeks and we live 4 hours apart. Maybe the summer will help things? What should I do. Thanks.

none12345 · May 26, 2009, 07:46 PM

My personal opinion:

Took me a while to read the story but I guess it helps me to give a more accurate answer.

Sounds like both of you have sacrificed a lot for each other. Sounds romantic, but at the same time when that happens usually the relationship ends up with lots of expectations and in the end one gives up or feels tired. Been there myself.

To answer your question.
Does she still want you? No one knows but her but I know I wouldn't play any of her games. She has to make a decision. Yes or no and stop fluctuating.

If she can't forgive you, its not going to work. She will need to forgive you first to even make it possible for this relationship to work. As for the other guy, don't think too much about it, he is clearly a rebound. I think she is stringing you along and being selfish until she knows for sure what she wants.

master88 · May 26, 2009, 07:56 PM

I would just like to point out that in the past 2 weeks the mind games have seemed to stop. Now she won't ever ignore me, and even contacts me. She also hasn't ditched out when I asked to hang out with her in the past 2 weeks. Just thought I'd add that in, but I do realize that she could go right back to the mind games.

none12345 · May 26, 2009, 08:17 PM

Well you said, she loves you but she can't forgive you, she hangs out with you talks to you casually, hang out as friends but end up hugging and holding hands. Which one is it? Friends or lovers? Sounds like mind games to me. Sounds like she's leading you on.

chuff · May 26, 2009, 08:20 PM

She's a pro dude. I knew she was dating someone else before you said it. Your behavior didn't help, but at the same time it's her way of trying to control you. Now, she have every right not have have her window broken by a drunk. But at the same time it's a great excuse for her to dump you while she dates the other guy. The reason you didn't get your stuff back right away was because she wasn't sure about the other guy. He was new and unpredictable. You were always going to be there. I think you should go back to ignoring her because she's just going to play this cycle over and over until you quit playing it with her.

master88 · May 26, 2009, 08:24 PM

I understand that she has to forgive me for this to work. Its just really hard when there are girls telling her to punish me in the background. A lot of these girls are her sorority sisters who don't know me much at all. They saw the drunk night and think I'm a crazy person. For the first 3 weeks it seemed like she was really listening to all the things they said. I know this for a fact from a mutual friend. However as of late she seems to be thinking things through by herself. The only reason I say this is because her best friend, is one of my best friends as well. And her best friend told me that she believes in the end that she will forgive me, and want to get back with me.

chuff · May 26, 2009, 08:27 PM

Did someone say something about repeating cycles?

Originally Posted by chuff

I think you should go back to ignoring her because she's just going to play this cycle over and over until you quit playing it with her.

Oh, that was me.

master88 · May 26, 2009, 08:31 PM

Originally Posted by chuff

She's a pro dude. I knew she was dating someone else before you said it. Your behavior didn't help, but at the same time it's her way of trying to control you. Now, she have every right not have have her window broken by a drunk. But at the same time it's a great excuse for her to dump you while she dates the other guy. The reason you didn't get your stuff back right away was because she wasn't sure about the other guy. He was new and unpredictable. You were always going to be there. I think you should go back to ignoring her because she's just going to play this cycle over and over until you quit playing it with her.

Well we go to a really small school, and everyday up to the breakup she was always sleeping at my place, and I pretty much knew what she was doing at all times. If they had hung out before our break, I would have heard about it from someone, because everything spreads like rapidfire at a small school. However I guess you could be right in that maybe she had already been talking to him during the ends of our relationship. The only alternative to this is that her friends encouraged her to date someone else after our breakup. I do know for a fact that the first time they hung out was 2 weeks after the break. Its nice when you have inside sources.

none12345 · May 26, 2009, 08:32 PM

Originally Posted by chuff

Did someone say something about repeating cycles?

Oh, that was me.

Lol Chuff, I mentioned yes and no fluctuating? Does that count?

none12345 · May 26, 2009, 08:34 PM

Originally Posted by master88

Well we go to a really small school, and everyday up to the breakup she was always sleeping at my place, and i pretty much knew what she was doing at all times. If they had hung out before our break, I would have heard about it from someone, because everything spreads like rapidfire at a small school. However I guess you could be right in that maybe she had already been talking to him during the ends of our relationship. The only alternative to this is that her friends encouraged her to date someone else after our breakup. I do know for a fact that the first time they hung out was 2 weeks after the break. Its nice when you have inside sources.

The "friends" always get involved. She would always say they are just friends and they want what's best for her and you have selfish motives that's why they listen to their friends. That type of girl, isn't in love with you.

chuff · May 26, 2009, 08:54 PM

Originally Posted by none12345

lol Chuff, i mentioned yes and no fluctuating? does that count?

Great point. Two people have noticed the cycles repeating.

One person can stop the cycle. Do you know who it is. I'll give you a hint. He is the master of his domain.

chuff · May 26, 2009, 09:00 PM

Originally Posted by master88

The only alternative to this is that her friends encouraged her to date someone else after our breakup. I do know for a fact that the first time they hung out was 2 weeks after the break. Its nice when you have inside sources.

Inside sources? Dude you dealing with a bunch of women. Women love the drama and they really love it when it involves sex, guys, and other guys. You are going to hear whatever stirs up the most drama so they can sit back and watch a live soap opera.

master88 · May 26, 2009, 10:40 PM

Thanks for the responses thus far, keep them coming, it would help.

Romefalls19 · May 27, 2009, 05:25 AM

How long are you going to continue the games to be played? You are only delaying the inevitable with this break up. She ended it, she won't forgive you, she keeps you on a leash so if nothing comes around, you're there. Congratulations

talaniman · May 27, 2009, 06:24 AM

Things have changed so much, and you have not. I can see why she dumped you, but can't for the life of me see you getting back together soon.

master88 · May 27, 2009, 06:36 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Things have changed so much, and you have not. I can see why she dumped you, but can't for the life of me see you getting back together soon.

Not really sure how you say I haven't changed. I've lost weight since the relationship and become even more active than ever. People have really started to comment on how good I've been looking. I've been playing the singles game with girls and yes it is fun, but I still feel a void in my life. I haven't gotten wasted like that night ever since, and her friends have even told me that it looks like I've changed. Her friends who were initially ignored me after the break have all actually started to talk to me. I've started to accept the fact that we may not ever be back again. However, since it was me who pushed her away, if she gives me a second chance, I think ill take it. I guess in the mean time I will just hang out with other people, if I find another person I like then so be it. If I'm still single and she wants to give it another shot later on, then I'll probably do that. I've realized I'm mostly a good guy, I can't be perfect. But if she can't stop listening to her friends and she that, then she isn't the right one for me.

Romefalls19 · May 27, 2009, 06:40 AM

Okay, not many relationships end because of looks. So continue losing weight and being more active, but that won't make her come back any quicker. You have an anger problem and need to seek counseling for that. I've gone out with my fiancé, gotten completely wrecked and still treated her with respect and kindness. Drinking is no excuse for a temper

master88 · May 27, 2009, 06:58 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Okay, not many relationships end because of looks. So continue losing weight and being more active, but that won't make her come back any quicker. You have an anger problem and need to seek counseling for that. I've gone out with my fiance, gotten completely wrecked and still treated her with respect and kindness. Drinking is no excuse for a temper

Thanks for the advice, I'm not an angry guy ever unless I get blacked out. Either way there's a problem somewhere. It might be a drinking problem. As I stated before I've stopped drinking like that. Being in a fraternity is no excuse for binge drinking of that level. The night where I got angry was a night where we were playing some dumb drinking games where the alcohol all hit me way too fast before I could react. Its not an excuse though. Lately I've had maybe 4 beers tops in a night. I actually find it more fun. As long as I don't let myself get to the blackout state, there is no problem with the way I act.

Gemini54 · May 27, 2009, 05:43 PM

Originally Posted by master88

Thanks for the advice, I'm not an angry guy ever unless I get blacked out. Either way theres a problem somewhere. It might be a drinking problem. As I stated before I've stopped drinking like that. Being in a fraternity is no excuse for binge drinking of that level. The night where I got angry was a night where we were playing some dumb drinking games where the alcohol all hit me way too fast before I could react. Its not an excuse though. Lately I've had maybe 4 beers tops in a night. I actually find it more fun. As long as I don't let myself get to the blackout state, there is no problem with the way I act.

Sounds to me like you've been selfish and taken her for granted and then the drinking thing pushed you both over the edge. She's sick of it and hurt, and wants you to suffer for a bit. I'm sure she talked to her friends about what was happening with you both and women tend to protect their friends when guys behave like this.

I'd back off and let her feel like she's punished you and you can behave like you've learnt your lesson. It's a silly game, but sometimes we humans react like this.

I reckon you might have another shot at it if you play your cards right. Take the cues from her and don't be too subservient in it.

But learn the lesson will you? Try not to be an a-hole in the future.