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eosesd · Oct 3, 2006, 06:21 AM

Although I'm over 40 and "should have known better" - I didn't. I was friends for some time ( 2 years) with a man who eventually ends up in the process of a divorce. He asked for the divorce and was having a tough time financially due t court orders and a move to another state - a duaghter involved, etc.. So apparently he hooks up with a coworker and they fall "in love" and discuss marriage - all within a few short months. Then she dumps him. He's brokenhearted and in a deep depression. Without knowing all this, I get asked out to lunch with my friend (who I have always had feelings for... ) and he expresses his desire to start dating me. We take it slowly for the first month - then he gets hot and heavy quickly - calling constantly and talking long term. Then I start to hear details about the ex GF who dumped him and the soon-to-be ex wife. I ask him about the wife. He tells me it was over years ago (and this is more than likely true). She was controlling, self centered and "rough around the edges". He's 52 YO professional and not some young, inexperienced kid. So I assume he has his act together (mistake). He makes a few comments regarding the girlfriend who dumped him - telling me it was just a short term "thing" but then he tells me how he almost married her! And how she dumped him. I ask if he still has feelings for her and if he'd go back with her (because if so, I don't play second best - nor would I stick around.. ). He tells me he'd never go back with her because he wouldn't want to get hurt again like that. So things proceed with us. I figure she was his "rebound" and he's supposedly over her - or so I hope. Well, you know how this ends. Everything is great (or so he makes me think). He calls n my birthday and sngs for me. Then buys me a gift - then calls to break up with me. Blames it on something foolish (my ex - which was never, ever an issue.. ). Apparently his ex GF and he got back together. She is identical to his wife - and he knows this. So why does he go back to her? Why would he want that pain again? Why when he had me - someone who treated him like a prince and cared so much for him? I'm not self centered, volunteer with homeless children, am self-sufficient with an incredible income and have no baggage. Why can't I get over this? Althoguh we were talking on and off and still seeing each other as friends, I decided to break it off all together. I have not heard from him in 2 days. I am not thinking long-term - I just want to have my friend back and have the nice lunches and times together. Yes, the intimacy, too. But I would never marry him - at least not any time soon and he tells me he's not interested in getting married again any time soon. Will his relationship with her last? Will he ever call me? Was I just used? I know, I know... rebound. But is there a chance for us to ever get back together. He really is an incredibly wonderful man who keeps hooking up with some nasty women. I'm just very depressed right now...

Wildcat21 · Oct 3, 2006, 09:20 AM

I'd forget ths guy - you won't get that old situation back. He doesn't sound like much of a catch. You were there, unfortunately to soften the blow of his break up - YES rebound.

ALSO - going forward - make sure these guys are OVER their divorce!! I've heard it takes 1 years of recvoery - for each 3 years they were married.

This guy really had no business being in deep relationships - it's really unhealthy - he is unhealthy.

ALL I can say is take it SLOW going forward. Go SLOW!! Did I say go SLOW? You'd find out about this stuff after I while and he wouldn't cme across as such a catch.

You go Fast and Furious - You will Crash and Burn most times. Fun for a short time - usually one person feels too much pressure and bails.

People want wha tthey can't have. That's wh yyou have these feelings.

eosesd · Oct 3, 2006, 10:12 AM

Thank you for your comments. I sent my ex an email telling him that although I enjoyed our time together (even after our break), I don't believe we can simply go back to being friends. I told him that his head is with his ex girlfriend and I am not willing to play second choice. I deserve more than that. I told him I will no longer be in contact with him and wished him well. It has been 2 days and no response. While I know it is best for me to do this, there is still some part of me wishing that he would dump her - come to his senses and pursue me as he had done previously. Yes, this is all fantasy and only causes me more hurt. But I'm human. And unfortunately, I can't figure out how to get my head cleared right now. Funny thing is - I could have just about anyone. But the one I want is the only one I know that doesn't want me. Us humans are quite complicated. Perhaps if I heard from others who have been in this situation and could provide me with some insight it would help me get over this more quick and stop extending my grief. Thanks again for your help.

Depressed in MO · Oct 3, 2006, 10:12 AM

"So I assume he has his act together (mistake). "

Here you say it was a mistake, and then at the end of the post you state how incredible this guy is. What is so incredible about him? He sounds like a jerk who likes to take people for rides on the Emotional Rollercoaster

Wildcat21 · Oct 3, 2006, 10:24 AM

I think that was wise to tell him that. You never want to be Plan B. Finf plan A.

Again - from my experience - you shouldn't consider dating anyone who GOING THROUGH a divorce - he may even be lying to you about that.

HUGE question - was he COMPLETELY seprated?? $1 million question.

This guy was a mess to date - very unhealthy situation - getting over an ex-lover. Plus, supposedly going through a divorce.

All I can say is wait at least a year after the divorce is over!!

s_cianci · Oct 3, 2006, 06:14 PM

I think you know the answers to your own questions here. This guy obviously doesn't know what he truly wants and maybe never will. I think you just have to write this one off as over and done. You'll never have him romantically and you'll never have back the initial friendship you started with. Move on with your life and pursue bigger and better things.

eosesd · Oct 3, 2006, 07:14 PM

Thanks for the input. It's funny - people always tell you to go get "counseling" and I did just that. After getting dumped I was depressed and needed someone to talk to. My counselor told me that given my age (44) that this guy ""may be the best that's out there". I was stunned to hear this. How insulting. And I had a $25 copay! Anyway, without much guidance (and paying $25 to learn I could do no better with my choice in men at my "old" age... ) 1 week after our "split" I asked my ex to a baseball game which we had earlier planned (before the break) and he accepted. We also had dinner one night a week later. We talked for hours and had a blast - laughing all night. It was just like "old times". But nothing else happened - although if he had pushed it I suspect I would have caved. I know I am just plain crazy but I had been married for 20 years and new to this thing called dating so I'm a bit rusty on proper protocol for feelings and relationships. All I knew was I was with a man who I enjoyed being with and had a great time laughing and enjoying life. I had no further expectations or long term commitment since I, myself, am not quite ready for anything long term. I miss him now - even though I'm being told I shouldn't. But I have stopped al communication and started focusing on other aspects of my life right now.
But I have a question - If someone could preduct the future - would you suspect that his ex will dump him again? And would you bet that he will be calling me again to pick up the pieces? I don't expect to ever hear from him again, which would help me heal sooner. But what are the chances that I am going to hear from him again? I'm not sure I'll have the strength to not answer that phone... am I worrying for nothing?

talaniman · Oct 3, 2006, 10:00 PM

But I have a question - If someone could preduct the future - would you suspect that his ex will dump him again? And would you bet that he will be calling me again to pick up the pieces? I don't expect to ever hear from him again, which would help me heal sooner. But what are the chances that I am going to hear from him again? I'm not sure I'll have the strength to not answer that phone... am I worrying for nothing?

Sorry I think the question is irrelevant and would hope your mature enough to know that if he did bring his lying a$$ back in your life you'd kick him to the curb and get on with life. Isn't it weird the way we can have a knife plunged in our back we still want to be with the backstabbing SOB?? Go figure!! The answer is the same at 14 or 40, Leave the arsehole alone and move on with your life. I have just saved you another 25 dollar co-pay.

Wildcat21 · Oct 4, 2006, 08:17 AM

"My counselor told me that given my age (44) that this guy ""may be the best that's out there"."

That person calls themselves a counselor?? My god - they need their degrees revoked. There are so many great single people in their 40's - millions. So many people to date!

I'd find a new couselor. That is SOOOOOOOOOO ridiculous. I'd love to find that counseloeur and give them a switft kick.

I didn't realize this was the last guy on the face of the earth.

Wildcat21 · Oct 4, 2006, 08:18 AM

Kick this guy to the curb and date others. He is clearly no the one. Move on.

I doubr you will hear from him again anyway.

Find a NEW AVAILABLE guy!

Depressed in MO · Oct 4, 2006, 08:23 AM

I don't want to come off as rude because I do not intend to be that way, but have no other way to word this. You must have said something to the counselor, or NOT have said something to the counselor to make him/her determine that this guy might be the possible best out there that there is. I think you were wanting to hear that and left out a few minor details during your session. There is no way in the world that this man you are discussing can come close to anything that is related to the term "best".
Like WildCat said, I'd get a new counselor. Or go back to the old one and tell them ALL the facts that you have told us. Do this please-for yourself, or you are just going to become more brainwashed.

goldnugget · Oct 4, 2006, 08:27 AM

I don't think you were used as such. Men like him are never happy... always looking for something better to come along. You will find someone who loves and appreciates you for who you are and who will not want anyone else. Sorry for your pain.

eosesd · Oct 8, 2006, 07:23 PM

Update: Tonight I went with a male friend to a local pub to watch a football game and have dinner. My ex boyfriend lives at least 15 miles away. His ex girlfriend (the one he went back to) - lives at least 15 miles in the opposite direction. So I would not expect to ever see them here.
Half way through my dinner I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and knew those beautiful blue eyes and smile. It was my ex. He mentioned soemthing about me not going to the game (I had tickets and we were supposed to go together until he left me for his ex). He smiled, rubbed my shoulder and walked over to a table no more than a few feet away. At that table was a beautiful blonde - tall and thin - a few years younger than I am. He sat next to her and they ordered dinner. She rubbed his back and hair all through dinner. She kissed him and he kissed her back. I had full view of this. The man I had loved sat there with this other woman. They had both their backs to me so the woman never saw me. I suspect he told her he saw someone from work (or some other lie) and left for that moment to come over to my table. I never had even noticed him come in. I suspect I eventually would have noticed. But it hurt so badly to see him with her. I knew he was back with her - but seeing her and him together was like a knife to the heart. I was starting to feel a bit better and now I'm worse than before. The pain is unbearable. If he saw me - why did he not make up an excuse to his girlfriend and leave? Or go sit somewhere else? Why would he hurt me like this? Did he think I didn't care about him anymore? Why did he come over to speak to me? Why??

eosesd · Oct 8, 2006, 07:26 PM

One more detail. The woman (his ex girlfriend - and now current gf) looks just like me. It was actually scarey. Tall, blonde and thin.

Wildcat21 · Oct 8, 2006, 07:54 PM

That's reality - move on.

talaniman · Oct 9, 2006, 05:22 AM

I was starting to feel a bit better and now I'm worse than before. The pain is unbearable. If he saw me - why did he not make up an excuse to his girlfriend and leave? Or go sit somewhere else? Why would he hurt me like this? Did he think I didn't care about him anymore? Why did he come over to speak to me? Why??

You're the one with the heartbreak, not him so why should he accommodate your feelings? As Wildcat stated that reality so now you must get it together and move on. He has.

kayakr · Dec 27, 2008, 08:44 PM

Sounds EXACTLY like what I have just gone through... could just about be the same guy. Just got a divorce - was dating the ex g/f at the end of his marriage - she broke up with him and was the 'one that got away' - he started dating me - then BOOM - back to the ex g/f when she snaps her fingers. He never got over her... and has been pining away for her the entire ten months we were seeing each other. I'm not sure what the emotional attachment it - they do both seem to deserve one another though. These guys are just pinging from one woman to another and are not taking the time to work on themselves to get their 'stuff' together that would enable them to have that wonderful relationship. At least that is what I think. And these ex g/f's are always going to have to look over their shoulders and be worried because they got involved, when they were already involved with someone else - twice! (even if the ex g/f aren't aware of you two (or me in my case) dating.

Yes, he will be back if you two are still communicating. I have completely broken off communication in order to truly and properly move on so that I can have an opportunity to find a really great guy that is capable of being present in a relationship and will put me #1. As much as it hurts to lose someone that I care about - I have to love myself a little more than that. What you may be afraid of is being on your own - and you need to come to terms with those feelings and not cling to someone who doesn't have your best interest in their heart. Those that love you in your life would never make you feel ungrounded or rejected. They will make your soar with their friendships and love. This guy is NOT worth it. No, he does not know what he wants. He hasn't had time or taken the necessary time to figure it all out. And he is using you!

An that counselor was a crackpot!

Best of luck to you... I didn't see when your original post was made - this may be a year old - but couldn't help but respond since I have gone through the same situation.

Zananab · Jan 13, 2011, 12:14 AM

Hi - I googled depressed and dumped and found this - my story is just about the same! My dumper is grieving his wife who left him a year ago. It does take ages to heal - I had forgotten that when I entered into this relationship. The answer above is correct - there are plenty more fish in the sea, always have been and always will be despite your age - they will just be older as you age. There is no one Mr right. If you were to have a relationship with him again you would be second best and you both would know it. But you will be first best for the right person. I am 45 and would rather be alone that insecure about the person I am with. I am taking a break from relationships for a while while I regroup and get my bucket list done - maybe meet a good match on the way. Good luck - you deserve to be treated better than this, and you will be.