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WhatAlife · May 24, 2009, 12:15 PM

Hi everyone I am new here.
I got married at the age of 16 it was all my parents decision and so was the man I married, never ever saw him before the wedding day. I just did what my family wanted on my wedding day when I saw my husband, I did not like him but it was too late then he is just going on to his 50s and I'm 21.

After the wedding when I went to his house met him and his family properly I couldn't believe what had happened with me. My husband was mentaly ill, physically ill and old I was in shock I spoke to my mother she said you have married him now so you have a duty to him.

So I had no choice I look after him, have looked after him for the past 6 years and I am so worn out now I have no life of my own, I wanted to study and I cant. My husbands family are always out having a good time and people/relatives say to me you are just what they wanted so that they can live their lives.

I've had enough, going through depression and really really worn out and hurt. What do I do?

artlady · May 24, 2009, 12:28 PM

I do not know your culture or where you are from.

If you were an American ,I would say,divorce him.

Start putting money away so that you can have a future.

Since you married at 16,and it was an arranged marriage,perhaps your parents could help you to get out of the mess they put you in.

What country are you in? What options are available for divorced women in your culture?

WhatAlife · May 24, 2009, 12:35 PM

Hi thank you for your reply, I am asian/pakistani and I live in london uk. I have spoken to my family about divorcing my husband they went mad I feel trapped and it seems that's what every one wanted.

I have not evn spoke to another man in 6years and I'm still a virgin I have not been unfaithful.

artlady · May 24, 2009, 12:45 PM

Here is a link to services in your area.I hope this helps you ,since it is clear that your on your own.Please use the link provided. It is for domestic abuse but they should be able to put you in the right direction.
A-to-Z of local Help

WhatAlife · May 24, 2009, 12:50 PM

Thank you so much will try that link now.

DoulaLC · May 24, 2009, 01:42 PM

Did your parents happen to get something in return for your marrying this man? Were they aware of his problems prior to you getting married? If not, could they have agreed to something under false pretenses?

WhatAlife · May 24, 2009, 02:31 PM

That is what hurts when I asked my mother she did not act shocked she just said now your married to him you have to fullfil your duty.
There was numerous rumours within the family that a lot of money was given to my parents from my mother in law but never got to the bottom of it.

Also why wouldn't they help now I have no where else to go its your family you turn to but my family have decided to leave me to suffer.

DoulaLC · May 24, 2009, 02:42 PM

As artlady said, different cultures will handle things differently. I don't know what consequences you might face if you tried to leave him. If you divorced how would your family respond? How would his family respond? Is there any family member or trusted friend you could turn to for help or at least support? If the risk would be too great to divorce him, would it at least be possible for you to spend some time with friends... get out of the house once in awhile, have friends over, do some things that you enjoy... maybe go back to school to further your education, etc.

I hope you can find a way to deal with the situation that will cause you the least amount of heartache.

Fr_Chuck · May 24, 2009, 02:46 PM

There can be serious danger in some cultures for even thinking about divorce, Even in the US or the UK, you could find there is no support even serious threats.

So only you know if and what you can do, it may mean moving and leaving with no contract ever to our family

Gemini54 · May 24, 2009, 05:57 PM

If you live in the UK, then there are many services that can provide you with excellent and confidential advice on your situation.

If you want to leave, as Fr_Chuck has already said, it could put you in serious physical danger or of being ostracised from your family.

You will need to give serious thought and planning to what you want to do, as leaving may in fact mean that you never see your family again.

It seems that they do not want to support you in leaving, so you may be forced to do this on your own with the assistance of one of the Women's Refuges.

WhatAlife · May 25, 2009, 02:54 AM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

If you live in the UK, then there are many services that can provide you with excellent and confidential advice on your situation.

If you want to leave, as Fr_Chuck has already said, it could put you in serious physical danger or of being ostracised from your family.

You will need to give serious thought and planning to what you want to do, as leaving may in fact mean that you never see your family again.

It seems that they do not want to support you in leaving, so you may be forced to do this on your own with the assistance of one of the Women's Refuges.

Thank you for all of your advice. Fr_Chuck is right in my Culture parents have killed there daughters, brothers have killed there sisters. Its really risky for me to go and if I want to I have to bave financial back up which at the moment I don't have.

My thought is even leaving, I'm stuck because I'd still be married to him and I can't get on with my life like that.

There is no way I can spend time with friends as I lay 1 foot wrong in this house its like hell with my in laws. I don't get out, I can't get out because I am left to look after him and they get disability allowance for him but I have never seen that money his family uses it.

DoulaLC · May 25, 2009, 06:39 AM

Yes, it is well known that some cultures respond harshly to the idea of a woman leaving her marriage, but the question was what is your family and his family like? Even within a culture, families will vary in how they follow traditional practices... some being very strict, others not.

You apparently feel the possible consequences will be too great, so you have few options. Since you have internet access, could you further your education online? Spend time building friendships with others online? Are you able to have friends to your home?

If you can't leave, you will have to find ways to make things better with how they currently are. It may require putting some of your dreams on hold for awhile until things change for you.

Fr_Chuck · May 25, 2009, 07:07 AM

I know this all two well, I have baptised people who once they changed to Christianity, they could never ever go home again.

Here in the US and some parts of the world we don't fully understand what can happen.

I have seen women seriously beaten for merely showing disrespect to their husbands mother

I wish · May 25, 2009, 07:13 AM

Last I checked, UK is a free country and there are many support services around the country to help you with situations like this.

Please take the advice of the others and get the help that you need.

Culture or not culture, you live in UK and you have rights. Be strong. I know that you will have to defy your parents, but you cannot continue to suffer this way. You deserve a better life.

Your parents have treated you very poorly and unfairly, so you don't need to feel guilty about not listening to them anymore.

WhatAlife · May 25, 2009, 07:49 AM

Originally Posted by DoulaLC

Yes, it is well known that some cultures respond harshly to the idea of a woman leaving her marriage, but the question was what is your family and his family like? Even within a culture, families will vary in how they follow traditional practices....some being very strict, others not.

You apparently feel the possible consequences will be too great, so you have few options. Since you have internet access, could you further your education online? Spend time building friendships with others online? Are you able to have friends to your home?

If you can't leave, you will have to find ways to make things better with how they currently are. It may require putting some of your dreams on hold for awhile until things change for you.

Thank you for your advice.
No I'm not allowed friends at the house I can't even speak to my neighbour because my in laws would start arguing with me and even slap me, I spoke to my neighbour once and my mother in law wouldn't leave me alone she kept asking me what we spoke about swearing and pushing me around.

WhatAlife · May 25, 2009, 07:55 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

Last I checked, UK is a free country and there are many support services around the country to help you with situations like this.

Please take the advice of the others and get the help that you need.

Culture or not culture, you live in UK and you have rights. Be strong. I know that you will have to defy your parents, but you cannot continue to suffer this way. You deserve a better life.

Your parents have treated you very poorly and unfairly, so you don't need to feel guilty about not listening to them anymore.

Yes you are right uk is a free country but if I leave my life is at risk if they find me they will kill me and I know they will. Thank you for your advice.

artlady · May 25, 2009, 08:13 AM

Please use the links I provided you earlier in this thread.There is help available and these shelters know how to protect you!

DoulaLC · May 25, 2009, 08:13 AM

I am so sorry you are having to endure this situation. It sounds like everyone is afraid you will speak to others about how you are being treated and they certainly don't want anyone to get involved. Given the situation, I'd even be very careful about anyone being able to see what you have written online.

Again, you may just have to try to make the best of the situation and know that in the future you will have a time to make a life of your own. Continue to take care of your husband, abide by what is expected of you, pursue some interests to bide your time, and hold onto your dreams of a better life at a later time.

If you left.. it sounds like you would have to be very far away and not have contact with either family again so that you could remain safe. It would be hard to know who you could trust. That may be too high of a price to pay for you.

When you are not raised to take care of yourself, and it is not in your upbringing to be independent, that can be difficult when you have no one to support you in your efforts.

What I would do, or what anyone else might do, will not always be the same. Only you, knowing your culture, your family and their expectations, can decide what is the wisest and safest thing for you. I wish you well.

I wish · May 25, 2009, 08:20 AM

Originally Posted by WhatAlife

Yes you are right uk is a free country but if i leave my life is at risk if they find me they will kill me and i know they will. Thankyou for your advice.

I'm really sorry to hear about this. This really concerns me. I was going to suggest that you get a restraining order against your family, but it seems like it might not even help?

Please listen to artlady to get the help and protection that you need.

ordinaryguy · May 25, 2009, 08:21 AM

My heart breaks for you. I can't tell you how to deal with this, because I can't even comprehend a culture that condemns a family member to a life of misery, on pain of death. I would like to say get out, get away, and never look back, but that's so hard, I know. Whatever you do, I hope you find a way within yourself to cope with the heartache you face.