[bobbyjohannah]

I don’t know what to do anymore. Me and my ex have been split up for 6 months now and I’m still not over him no matter what I do. I never wanted to date him, but he kept trying it on with me for two months, so eventually I caved in and gave him a chance. We started as a casual thing because he had split up with his girlfriend a few months before and did not want a relationship, so we would always split up and get back together but during this time he took my virginity. After 3 months, he asked me to be his girlfriend and treated me the most amazing way for the next two months, which then I discovered I had fell in love with him, hard. He was my first love and only love so far, I did not tell him for fear of him not returning the feeling. After this he started to pull away which made me feel alone and unhappy, I could feel like he didn't want me there. Then eventually he broke up with me again saying he wanted to be single as he had not been for 5 years with various girlfriends. When this happened I stayed in my room crying and not eating and I told him how I truly felt about him and for the next two weeks we kept seeing each other and sleeping with each other until he begged for me back again.

I took him back and the first few days were wonderful again, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was so angry at him and resented him for the way he was treating me and I was considering breaking up with him, but I just wasn’t strong enough at the time to do it. He would ignore me at parties at talk to one of his ex’s who ididnt realise was his ex at these parties . Eventually a group of us including him went out one night to a club, where he was being the most romantic he had been for months, but later on in the evening, I was walking round the club and saw this girl pull him right in front of my face and he continued to pull her. I slapped him and he ran off out of the club and refused to speak to me for days and refused to apologize. Therefore I decided to end the relationship, but had to over Facebook as he wouldn’t see me face to face, we met up after a week or two and was friendly but he later told me he never wanted to start anything with me again, a week later he pulled this really ugly girl who was friends with one of her friends and put all these photos up on Facebook of the two of them together. He came round a week later and sat arrogantly in my room saying “yeah im a ******* aren’t I?” and telling me I was ridiculous for not being over it within the space of 3 weeks and talking about the new girl, to which he left because we started arguing. Ever since then we have argued and insulted each other over Facebook, and I have gone out with someone since which has ended because I wasn’t over my ex. I have suffered panic attacks and depression since the night he cheated and I have been to see a counsellor who didn’t help me at all, she just told me to exercise and let it go. I have dated various people and met new friends and created a whole new life for myself since then but nothing helps, I just feel so empty inside and I constantly run into my ex and his new girlfriend and he either smiles at me or totally ignores me but still stares at me. It kills me seeing it still. How do I get over this?

[ajGambino]

Delete him from Facebook.

Delete him from your phone.

Delete him from all contact.

Delete him from your life.


Stop talking to this guy. You see him, avoid him. He tries to talk to you, ignore him. If he tries to make any sort of contact, stop and walk away from it.

You haven't properly tried to get over this guy and until you really try to stick with NC, you will drag this thing out way too far. End it by getting him out of your life.

[bobbyjohannah]

I have already deleted his numer, his Facebook, his email including texts or pictures. When I run into him, we don't speak, but he still tries to get my attention. I have not spoken to him in 3 months. I don't actively seek him out, but we are on the same campus at uni which is why I keep running into him. It is just that we have so many mutual friends from halls which makes it hard, although I never ask them about him.

[Romefalls19]

Along with aj's list, include this

1. Get a new circle of friends
2. Walk a different route to class
3. Continue seeing a counselor, one or two visits will NOT even make a dent in your recovery.

[talaniman]

It will take time, so be patient with yourself. You can't rush the healing process, but you can have a good time while you heal, by doing things that you enjoy.

[catch 22]

I feel the same way, nothing I do is helping. I love someone and it seems part of me prefers to hurt over it rather than force myself to heal.

Everyone around here keeps shoving the "no contact" down everyone's throat but it just isn't that easy.

I feel the same way you do. This week I hung out with every friend I could get a hold of. I've been focusing on eating healthy and exercising. I haven't been contacting her. But yesterday (Friday) I wasn't able to make plans with anyone and I sat here and just collapsed all over again.

Maybe I just have a negative personality and prefer to be feeling this pain. I don't know. All I know is all this "no contact" and "move on" stuff is easier said than done.

[Flesh]

Me and my ex (first love) were together for 2 years solid and on again off again for 2 more years, I finally had to say no more and so did she.

At first I was really honestly OK, than at about 5 months I started missing her bad, I had not deleted anything or gotten rid of anything I was strong for about 5 months, than I just showed up at her house to see her, she was not home, and I was happy about that after the fact, she knows I showed up, but we did not talk, anyway it stired those emotions in me... so I did not contact her but my heart started to go insane, I was thinking about her and feeling REAL LOW, I started stalking her Facebook, and just wanting her to speak to me. Anyway her birthday came up on May 10th and I called no answer (of course she is smart) than this week I found out she had a new boyfriend.. it hurt way too much and I realized I had been lying to myself, because I was like, I just want to talk to her, hear from her... but the truth was that at some level I must have wanted more than that because IT HURT, anyway this Wednesday I deleted everything... I got rid of all the stuff she had given me, tore up all her letters, its sad but true, the only way to get over someone is NO CONTACT, and living your life and not thinking about thiers... its the only way to heal that scar. I have been single for 8 months now and am just now letting go and should have a long time ago, it's a hard truth, also if your on this site, your probably the one who is hurting (dont ask me why but only one person really really suffers after 90% of break-ups the other is usually dating within a month or two)... they probably have moved on, which is what you must do.

[talaniman]

Maybe I just have a negative personality and prefer to be feeling this pain. I don't know. All I know is all this "no contact" and "move on" stuff is easier said than done.

Don't quit because its hard. Your only giving up on yourself. Maybe working a bit harder, is what you need, or some creative thinking. Just never quit, that's the thing to remember.

Many here have found the gym to be a great benefit, even if your alone at home.

[catch 22]

Yeah, I am trying to exercise, but many times it leads to thoughts of "I want to be in better shape next time I see her!".

Thanks for your encouragement though. I am not opposed to working hard, some days it just seems impossible.

[WillaWinda]

Want to get over your ex? Start by knowing that the thoughts you have in your mind results in how you feel. Get your thoughts straight. Tell yourself you don't want to be with someone and don't need to be with someone who makes you feel bad. You don't need to be with someone who does not treat you well or who makes you feel they don't care about you. Don't let yourself fall into... but I love him, or he/she is so x and I love him. Better think about how that person does not give you what you like and deserve and doesn't appreciate you. Think better about yourself and demand yourself quality. Tell yourself you will not accept whatever is not quality and whatever doesn't bring you good. No matter what defects one might have, we all deserve to be appreciated as the person we are, and if someone loves you, and cares about you, they will try to be understanding and giving. If your ex isn't understanding and caring to your feelings, that person is not good for you. Once you learn to accept yourself and love yourself, you learn how to demand quality for yourself. What does loving yourself mean? Loving yourself means you learning how to give yourself what does good to you. Loving yourself means you demand quality for yourself because you know that will be good for you, and you say no to what is not good for you. Also it helps to think and know that when someone makes you feel bad, its not about you... dont take it so personal... when someone is not nice, its due to what they have inside of them, its their personality acting out, which has nothing to do with you. That is why you have to learn to be with people that appreciate you the way you are. Learn how to say no at the right time. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Its smart to say what you want to say with actions instead of words. You have to learn how to combine this with speaking with the person when you need to, but if they don't listen, then you have to say it with actions. For example if your invited out at the last moment, and you hate them doig this, instead of speaking, act by telling them you wish you could but you already have something planned for that time. If they really want to be with you, they will think about with more time in advance. The best way to answer to insults and bad attitudes is to ignore. It might seem to you that you don't accomplish anything with that, but believe me, the person being ignored or the situation being ignored will get a reaction to this. And that's the best way hold your person up high. If you have to say something, try saying it with fact and truth and not just to hurt the other person... the truth hurts more than a acting in revenge or tying to get at someone. Doing these things, you will feel better about yourself for having looked after yourself and demanding quality for yourself. Try it, you will see.

[catch 22]

All that advice is great, except in a situation where you feel you DESERVED to be left. With a little bit of time and space after the breakup I have come to a complete understanding of what she was upset about. Sure I still wish she was committed enough to not have left me, but I can understand.

So it's hard to keep my spirits up and say I'll find someone who appreciates me when I know I really did mess things up.

[Fr_Chuck]

Depending on how long you were together, you will never really get over the ex. Years from now, a special song, a memory will bring them to your mind.

[Gemini54]

Part of the reason you can't get over him is because you're still angry with him. He knows that he can still get a reaction from you, that's why he tries to get your attention when you see him.

Sadly, there is no magic pill that you can take to make all this go away. It takes time to let go of anger and sadness and you just have to be patient with yourself.

Your counsellor was partly right - you need to involve yourself in activities that are physical and get some of your feelings out of your system in this way. It does work.

But, in the end the only way to get over someone and let the past go is to actually make the decision to do that and to focus your attention on other things. You have to make the choice.

[bobbyjohannah]

I know, I think maybe part of it is still jealousy, like she now has what I always wanted with him. I do force my attention elsewhere though, I make sure I am constantly busy seeing my friends or working or doing things that occupy my thoughts.

[Flesh]

I have the same thoughts, that my ex is now with a guy getting all the things I wanted from her, or she is having better sex (probably cause Im a guy), and a multitude of other negative thoughts.

The thing is Bobby is that it really breaks down to this... negative thoughts take away from you and make you feel worse about your situation, negative thoughts 99% of the time lead to negative actions, usually sub-consouisly,and positive thoughts do exactly the same thing, except with positive results, get it?

I am always trying to better myself throughout my life I have always done this, but truly losing someone that I spent 4 years with was/is the hardest thing I have gone through, It broke me.. it really did on a mental level, and that is when I started pursuing my answers.

I found that it really is what you choose to let your mind think about, what you choose to feed your spirit/will with? Confidence even if suppressed by negative feelings (thoughts and feelings are different things) can get you through this.

I started reading a lot of succesfull peoples stories and the one thing they all had in common was supreme confidence, that they were going to do it no matter what, no matter how they felt they were going to win they were going to reach that goal, did they have moments of doubt and fear and days.. months, sometimes even years when they failed, yes they did, but they chose to focus of the positives in the situations, they chose confidence and strength over low self esteem and fear, it was a choice for them, for you, for me.

Bobby in your next relationship are you not going to be better at it? You are going to be a better girlfriend, your going to be better than what your ex ever got from you, you have a ton going for you, you just have to see it, if you are always progressing in a positive manner you will always get better at life, its OK to have negative things floating around we all do, and its OK to give into them once and a while, but do not let that be the fuel for your day, your heart fuels your mind, your body follows your mind, it is how you think. Like that one song, can not remember the band or anything but some of the lyrics go like this \

"Born to be down, what good is confidence now, born to be down, and you just dont get it, your so pathetic, and you just dont get it, and you learn to accept it and oh your so pathetic."

Now that is negative as hell, but truly has a positvie message... its saying confidence is it, believing in yourself and letting that fuel you is the secret to a fulfilling life, and knowing that your are worth more than you ever thought.

Bobby you will meet someone who adoars you, who cares about you more than your ex did, the real question is are you going to live that moment, or are you going to reject that because of the pain you feel over your ex.

I was 19 when I met my ex, and I swear the warning signs were there I was just to young and inexperianced to see them, she never NEVER for 4 years of my life, really truly cared about me, and in the end of it all, by the time it was all said and done, I did not care about myself either, she was my worth in some sick sub-consouis hell I was living in. I am just now remebering who I am, and bobby all I can say is to try to ward you off the track I see you on, it takes time but the sooner you begin to care about and realize who you are the better... and I know a ton of people will say this is not a good idea, but a friend said it to me once and I really do think its true... the best way to get over someone is to "meet" someone else, do not jump into a relationship, but go make-out with someone, maybe even have sex, you're a girl so it might be diff for you, but I know as a guy that when I am with someone else of the opposite sex it makes me feel more full of life, playing that game, and sometimes having some fun, though it does not get you over your ex, it does make your memories of them seem less harsh, IMO.

Bobby you seem like a real cool chic to me, so do not get hung up on your ex... also its OK to spend sometime thinking about your ex, take 5 minutes at the end of your day and just let your mind kind of wash over it, do not grab anything, you do not want to get lost in the undertow of negative thought, just let your memories and thoughts WASH over you, feel them, let them go, kind of like meditation, I found this as a good way for me to release that pressure of never being able to think about it because it broke me down, I just let the thoughts wash over me and I have found a lot of answers this way, not struggling with the thoughts just letting them be their (for like 5 minutes, they can become overwhelming), I hope you understand that a little, I know its kind of weird but it really helped me, with some of the things I was/am stuck on.

[none12345]

To get over someone, put no contact into place.

[chuff]

On top of some of the things already listed I notice more then anything you have a huge issue with your anger towards him. You have to tell yourself that you understand the anger is a protection mechanism because of what happened in the past, but now you are out of the situation and the anger is no longer effective for your daily life. Your emotions are there to serve you, but they usually take over and sometimes it's hard to stop them. They did what they were supposed to do in a time of emotional pain and discomfort but now you have to take over your brain and direct them. Every time you get upset talk yourself down and appreciate that your emotions are working correctly, albeit longer then you expected, to protect you from the pain. When you get angry it tends to create more anger, and then you get angry over being angry and it just cycles. You have to interrupt the pattern and the acknowledge what's happening and redirect your energy.

[none12345]

If you are feeling hurt like the most of us do when we break up with our ex, eventually you ll get too tired to feel anything and care anymore and you ll feel numb and emotionless after a while.

[d35angie]

I am going through this myself. I try to hard to move on. I can't totally get rid of him from my life because we work together. It sucks. I will do so good for a month, and then I will see him or have to call him etc. Then my stomach feels sick and it seems like I take steps backwards and it starts all over again. I hate this, I feel desperate. I don't know how to tell you to get over him, when I can't even do it myself, but I am truly right there with you. From a past break up I do remember that nothing can heal it except time. As the days go by and by and by you eventually do start to feel better. I really hope that day comes for me soon! And for you as well!