[rockerchick_682]

I'm 19, I just finished my first year of college (yay!) and after a year of living in the dorms I'm stuck back at home. I appreciate all that my dad has done for me but I have to admit, that little bit of freedom was nice.

I've been having a lot of trouble getting along with my dad and my step mom. I've been kicked out of the house more times than I can remember and am told constantly that I have a bad attitude and I need to cut it out.

I have had a bad attitude. I'm a girl, I can get emotional. I admit it every day. I also try every day to improve my bad habit of over-reacting. For the two weeks that I've been home I've been keeping to myself. I got a job at a daycare to raise money for college expenses. I do my share of chores. I try to do dishes whenever I have the chance, I clean the kitchen, vacuum the living room, etc. I've also limited my 25 minute showers to 20 minute showers because apparently the water bill doubles when I come home. I take showers every other day! I'm mostly in my room and try to stay out of the way. I've been paying for my own groceries and gas for when I want to see my friends on the weekend (what a sin!).

I'm so incredibly frustrated right now. When I try to be around the family I have a bad attitude, when I stay out of the way, I have a bad attitude. My dad can come home in a bad mood because he's been working all day and complain about how tired he is and how he has all the responsibility for money, but does he ever admit that he's in a bad mood sometimes? He's mad because I haven't been trying to be around the family. Was I invited to dinner at my step grandparents house? No. Was I invited to my step cousin's birthday party? No. Was I invited when they went to have lunch last Sunday? No, I wasn't. So yes, I don't feel like I'm a part of the family right now.

They say they "tip toe" around the house to avoid me. I'm in the basement except for the fifteen minutes I come up to get dinner and on the weekends when I'm not visiting friends. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I have a job, I haven't flunked out of college, I do chores. Can't I get a little credit? Because really, I have had the opportunity to do all those things, but I haven't done them. It really just makes me want to show how terrible I could be and then they might appreciate me.

All I hear is; "you're not trying", "you have a bad attitude", "everything costs money you know", "you could help around the house a little more." What I hate most is, "nothing has changed." Nothing's going to change if only one person is trying.

What should I do? I don't have the money to support myself. I'd go crazy if I went to live with my mother. Her online boyfriend moved in a couple months ago. The only time they clean is when the "cleaning ladies" come every two months. Enough said, not an option. I'm just stuck.

[Gemini54]

Twenty minute showers! Clearly there are no water shortages where you live!

Anyway, sorry, I just had to get that off my chest. Firstly, you've been home for 2 weeks, it's going to take a lot longer than that for your family to adjust to you being there.

You admit you've had an 'attitude' in the past, and you're sort of starting to get one now because people aren't doing what you want. So, stop with the expectations. Why do you feel like you have to get something in return? Why should they try? Because you said so?

You won't be able to change them so change your own attitude. Do what needs to be done without grumbling. Ask if you can be invited to family functions. Ask what needs to be done and do it without expectation. Be pleasant. Let them know you want to get along and ask them to help you.

If you change your attitude, eventually they will change theirs. It will take time.

[rockerchick_682]

I didn't realize twenty minute showers were so long.

I'm not making expectations, I wish the expectations set for me weren't so hypocritical. They say I need to be part of the family. I haven't been invited to anything and the first weekend I was here I went to sit by my step mom and she got up and left the room. Why should I be friendly when they are being so negative?

I do everything I need to do without "grumbling." But now that I am sticking to my own space I'm still getting nagged about it. My stepmother has been out of a job for months and isn't looking because she can't find day care for her daughter, but I get nagged at about money constantly?

I've been living my own live and staying our of their way, what's wrong with that?

You're perspective is off... I just wanted to get that off my chest.

[artlady]

I think you presented your case very clearly here.

I think you need to ask for a family meeting and explain your side of things.When everyone is calm and in a relaxed frame of mind.

Tell them what your expectations are and find out what theirs are.
Be specific and ask them to do the same.Saying someone has an attitude is vague,what does that mean exactly? People can't change what they don't understand.

Tell them you feel like an interloper and that is no way to feel about your home.Home is supposed to be a place of peace and comfort.

Do some unexpected things to help out.Make dinner a few times a week,with food you bought.Sometimes those little efforts really pay off big.

It doesn't have to be dinner just anything that you see needs to be done.Take the initiative and you may be surprised by the results.

[Gemini54]

I didn't realize twenty minute showers were so long.

I'm not making expectations, I wish the expectations set for me weren't so hypocritical. They say I need to be part of the family. I haven't been invited to anything and the first weekend I was here I went to sit by my step mom and she got up and left the room. Why should I be friendly when they are being so negative?

I do everything I need to do without "grumbling." But now that I am sticking to my own space I'm still getting nagged about it. My stepmother has been out of a job for months and isn't looking because she can't find day care for her daughter, but I get nagged at about money constantly?

I've been living my own live and staying our of their way, what's wrong with that?

You're perspective is off... I just wanted to get that off my chest.

I haven't been invited to anything and the first weekend I was here I went to sit by my step mom and she got up and left the room. Why should I be friendly when they are being so negative?

Well, perhaps that's part of the problem, that you're not able to see other people's perspectives? I repeat, I think that you're expecting too much, too soon. By your own admission you say that you've been difficult. You've changed your perspective. Good one you. The thing is you can't expect other people do so so as well, just because you expect it. Patience, and as Artlady and I have both suggested, talking to your parents will help.

[DoulaLC]

Have to agree, give it more time and take more of the initiative... even when, and it likely will, doesn't go how you envisioned it would... keep doing it.

You are in a position to be able to show them that you have overcome past behaviors as that is all they can relate to right now. Staying to yourself will only cause them to continue to perceive you have an attitude. As was mentioned, offer to make the dinner once in awhile... set the table for a family meal, start conversations. Ask them if they want to go to a movie or out to lunch. Once in awhile, when you are going to the store, ask if there is anything you can pick up while you are there.
Hopefully they will start to see the changes and will begin to look at you differently. It is hard not to expect the same behavior if that is what you are used to.

During this time, open a savings account and start having some money automatically transferred to it from your paycheck or checking account... even starting at $25 a paycheck will eventually add up. In time, you will have some money stashed away and will be in a better position to strike out on your own once again.

[rockerchick_682]

I'm sorry to confuse you all, but I have talked to my family, many many times. We never get anywhere and so I asked my dad if he could come to therapy with me last Tuesday and he said yes, but when Tuesday came, he backed out.

Thank you for your suggestions, I have tried all those things. For example a while ago, I asked if we could all go to crackpots as a family. Crackpots is a place where you pick out a pot or plate or box or anything, they have all kinds of things, and then paint them. They fire them and you pick them up a week later. My dad's response was, "Things like that cost money." Crackpots can get expensive but it depends on what you pick out, so I understood. I've asked if we could go to a movie several times and the idea gets blown off because they don't want to go or because it costs money. I offer to do things like make dinner or help out with the yard but whenever I do my Dad ends up taking over because I'm not doing it right so I stopped asking. I always ask if they want to come with me to take the dogs on a walk or walk around the lake by the park but they usually don't come. My dad and step mother are on nutrisystem and my step sister has TV dinners made for her every night, kind of hard to make dinner at our house.

I am planning on putting away 200 a month if not all of it, thank you. I just need to get paid first!

I have tried! I'm tired of hearing that I have to do more. I'm the only one trying and I'm sick of it. My father has an attitude towards me and I give one back. He'll say, "I understand that you know the importance of money," and five minutes later he'll say, "maybe you should go live with one of your friends who doesn't have very much money for a while and see how they live." And I'm not supposed to react to that? I'm 19, not five. I deserve to be treated with respect and they can't just expect me to take it all in and ignore it. I'm going to respond when I'm being criticized.

They've been talking about buying a hot tub and getting another wide screen TV and a green house for the garden, but when I want to go to a movie with my friends I obviously have no control over money and don't understand how hard my father works.

I understand, really! What I don't understand is why I have to take the blame for EVERYTHING and no one else in my family does. That's what I'm asking advice for, how to be recognized for the things that I DO do. Because I do a lot. And not be labeled only as the teenager with the attitude that never does chores and wastes all her money.

[DoulaLC]

Maybe print out exactly what you have said here and share it with them. They may not realise how their responses to your attempts to help out and be included in more family things are making you feel.