[21yearsandhurt]

I am at the end of my rope. I have been with my husband for over 20 years. A few years ago I discovered he was masturbating to pictures of one of our adult (just over 21) female children. The pictures he was using were pictures he took. Not overly sexy but very cute. I confronted him and he agreed to counseling. The counselor told him he suffered from low self esteem. My husband said he isn't masturbating to the children, but has objectized them. He also said the taboo of it made it exciting. My husband was so embarrassed and ashamed, he swore this would never happen again. Well a few weeks ago I discovered he was doing this again. This time to pictures of two of adult female children. These were everyday pictures of the children going to parties. I have confronted him again and he has agreed to counseling, anything to fix us and him. But I am struggling. I feel like I should leave this marriage. How do I know that this hasn't been going on all along? I know the children are adults, but they are still our children. How can I llove and make love to a man that thinks this way? How do I know that if he will break this taboo he won't break others? I have so many other worries that fly though my head. I feel so crushed, broken, hurt, alone and scared. I would appreciate any feedback, advise or words from someone that has experienced this. Please help.

[N0help4u]

My guess is he will never stop but will just learn to hide it more. He is willing to go to counseling but that in itself could be simply to appease you into believing he wants to change. Personally I would leave him.

[nitelight198073]

My next question would be did he ever touch your children... because that is what pops into my head as soon as I read that post that is totally creepy and not kosher at all.. it is rather disgusting. If he does not follow through with the help... I would re-evaluate the relationship, he could be cheating... any number of things.. he may have a mental issue... maybe he needs a psyc eval

[N0help4u]

Yeah I doubt he is because the thing to him is he is doing something he feels is a 'secret taboo' and would possibly feel uncomfortable if they knew. Try to avoid that at this point until you have a better idea of things. I would ask the kids about their relationship with their father in a way they wouldn't suspect exactly what's up for now.
Start asking them about their overall general growing up and if they feel they had problems.

[JoeCanada76]

Its sick. Absolutely disgusting. This person needs counseling. At least he is willing to seek counseling. It does not seem to change. If your ready, and your willing to leave him over this. It is time to make a decision to leave.

Question is does his adult children know that he is doing this? I would also like to know if there was any sexual abuse that you know of in the past?

This person might take it to heart that he needs real help, if he ends up losing everything. Wife, children etc...

I know it is harsh but you need to make some decisions. Another thing I suggest is that you go to counseling yourself. Just to be able to share your concerns and thoughts. And have somebody guide you through this time. Help you approach the situation with a fresh outlook and give you the tools on how to deal with everything.

[susangpyp]

I agree with the others. Don't tell your children about this but open up the conversation to see if there was any unwanted touchings or worse as they were growing up. You might want to start with the one whose photo he had. You're going to have to be delicate but you might want to start with an article you read about it or something like that. But the most important thing is to find out if the children have been sexually abused.

This is a sick, sick man and he is most likely not telling you the truth. You don't know exactly how deep this all goes. Think back on your lives together, there must have been hints (hindsight is 20/20, I'm not accusing you of anything but sometimes we "get" it later on).

My suggestion would be to put you and the children (even if they are adults, if inappropriate things have gone on, they are wounded) first. If he hasn't touched any of the children before (and try to find this out from the children and not from him), then counseling might help him with his relationships with them. Repairing the marriage should be last on the list. You need to figure out how YOU feel about all this first, if there is a need to protect your children and how you feel about being in a marriage that was, to some degree, not as it seemed.

You also might want to go to some meetings for partners of sex addicts. (Co-SLAA) and talk to others out there. While this probably goes far beyond sex addiction, you need to talk to others who have had partners with sexual issues. There are also very good books on the subject. Read, journal, talk to others and get support for YOU before you even BEGIN to worry about him or the marriage.

And go for your own counseling separate and apart from him.

Good luck to you.

[21yearsandhurt]

First I want to say, thank you for your advice. I did question my daughter after the first time if there was any unwanted or inappropriate advances made to her by anyone in the family. I told her I suspected there had been some things happening in my life that made me suspicious. She said she had not suffered with this with anyone. I am going to revisit this conversation with her and one other daughter. Just in case. I think one on one counseling is right on and I will begin to look for a doctor today. Thank you again. Any other thoughts or advice is so welcome and needed right now.

[Gemini54]

Oh God, my heart bled for you when I read your post OP.

What a shocking thing to find out about your husband. Really, it's a complete violation of your trust in him and in his role as a father. I do sincerely hope that it is just an awful sexual fetish on his part and that there has been no actual physical abuse.

Jesushelper makes a great suggestion about going to counselling for yourself - I think that this is probably the place to start, as you will have to deal with the shock and the grief that a revelation like this creates.

Your husband, must also absolutely deal with this immediately. Can you remove all photos of your female children from the house? Perhaps this would be the place to start so that until he gets professional assistance he's not tempted to masturbate over their pictures.

You need to have a long conversation with your husband and let him know that he must take responsibility for his actions and stop doing this. Now. Immediately. He must seek help and he has to control himself because this has the potential to destroy him, you and the family unit.

He needs to make a choice. Fetishes can be controlled and managed. Is his family important enough for him to do this?

[StJames]

Why don't you try TALKING. I don't believe he is going to molest your children. They are obviously adults. The taboo act is something that is stimulating. Notice how embarrassed he was over the entire "discovery" which indicates remorse. Perhaps he is not receiving an appropriate level of sexual stimulation, ever consider this?
If they are children he's raised, then it is a little perverse but that is it. Psychologically speaking, he could be turned on by the beauty of the children he created. It is a powerful feeling to have beautiful and successful children.
If they are children you brought into the marriage, then he is simply attracted to them. They have reflections of you in them and I'm sure that turns him on.
Instead of running for the hills, try talking and finding out what he needs or what he is lacking.

[21yearsandhurt]

StJames. I agree talking is the key and we are trying although his 'shame' os keeping him from being honest. I am hoping his counselor is can bring him around to be honest. Self blame was the first thing I examined when this happened. I wonder how if at all I could have played a role in this. Our sex life, until this, is actually wonderful and frequent. I wondered if I have been to adventurous and opened a door to all of this. My counselor has assured me this is his problem. I did not create it. He has created this in his head. Over or unsexed has nothing to do with it. After 20 years of marriage it is not my intent to run for the hills, however I am not signing up for another 20 of looking over his shoulder because of mistrust. We are both receiving counseling and will see how it goes. His actions are sexually deviant and are not trivial or about the beauty and success of our children. This behaviour is a painful breach of trust and is not what this marriage has been or is about. I appreciate your response but I question blaming someone for someone else's behavior.

[Gemini54]

StJames. I agree talking is the key and we are trying although his 'shame' os keeping him from being honest. I am hoping his counselor is can bring him around to be honest. Self blame was the first thing I examined when this happened. I wonder how if at all I could have played a role in this. Our sex life, until this, is actually wonderful and frequent. I wondered if I have been to adventurous and opened a door to all of this. My counselor has assured me this is his problem. I did not create it. He has created this in his head. Over or unsexed has nothing to do with it. After 20 years of marriage it is not my intent to run for the hills, however I am not signing up for another 20 of looking over his shoulder because of mistrust. We are both recieving counseling and will see how it goes. His actions are sexually deviant and are not trivial or about the beauty and success of our children. This behaviour is a painful breach of trust and is not what this marriage has been or is about. I apprieciate your response but I question blaming someone for someone else's behavour.

Good to hear that you're seeing a counsellor who has put the onus to heal and be honest squarely on your husband's shoulders. It is a huge breach of trust and I imagine it will take you a long time to trust it again. I hope that your husband can meet the challenge of having to deal with this thing in his head. I also hope that it does not affect your wonderful sex life too much.

[Jake2008]

Because your adult children were the 'objects' he described, and were used in this activity (for lack of better word), they should be told, and straight up, no excuses.

One of the things that keeps this 'taboo', is a sort of protective shield around your husband. He should be expecting some consequences, and he should accept them if he is willing to change his behaviour.

The counsellor is bound by confidentiality. You are bound in a way because you don't want to stir up trouble where there is/was none.

My approach would be to treat this as an illness, and not cover it up whatsoever.

I would have a family meeting with all parties involved, put the pictures on the table, explain there is a big problem here that needs to be addressed and not simply because it is abhorrent, but because, like alcoholism, drug addiction, porn addiction etc. by brushing it under the rug in gentle and considerate ways, the roots will never be displayed.

Regardless of what he does, he will need to know that his relationship to everybody involved will depend upon him admitting to what he has done, accepting the consequences of that, and weighing that against continuing with his behaviour.

He may be talking the talk, but he's not walking the walk.

[livlaffluv]

I would say leave him. Yes you've been together for 20 years but doesn't that make you wonder if he ever touched your childern. Your husband is a sick man and you should have left him the first time

[Xrayman]

Because your adult children were the 'objects' he described, and were used in this activity (for lack of better word), they should be told, and straight up, no excuses.

One of the things that keeps this 'taboo', is a sort of protective shield around your husband. He should be expecting some consequences, and he should accept them if he is willing to change his behaviour.

The counsellor is bound by confidentiality. You are bound in a way because you don't want to stir up trouble where there is/was none.

My approach would be to treat this as an illness, and not cover it up whatsoever.

I would have a family meeting with all parties involved, put the pictures on the table, explain there is a big problem here that needs to be addressed and not simply because it is abhorrent, but because, like alcoholism, drug addiction, porn addiction etc. by brushing it under the rug in gentle and considerate ways, the roots will never be displayed.

Regardless of what he does, he will need to know that his relationship to everybody involved will depend upon him admitting to what he has done, accepting the consequences of that, and weighing that against continuing with his behaviour.

He may be talking the talk, but he's not walking the walk.

Sorry but I feel that this will definitely ruin EVERYTHING-yes he has betrayed trust-but I think this "cure" will betray his trust in you, it will definitely damage your children, they will hate YOU and HIM, your husband (mentally) as well as your marriage. There will be NO recovery from this in ANY way, shape or form.

This is like forcing an alcoholic to drink every bottle of alcohol you can find-forcing it down his throat and have all his peers/children and anyone else there to watch him die.

Maybe it's like forcing a smoker to smoke as many packets of cigarettes until they throw-up violently. I'm sorry but I disagree with this VERY STRONGLY.

DO NOT DO THIS.

[jmjoseph]

Why don't you try TALKING. I don't believe he is going to molest your children. They are obviously adults. The taboo act is something that is stimulating. Notice how embarrassed he was over the entire "discovery" which indicates remorse. Perhaps he is not receiving an appropriate level of sexual stimulation, ever consider this?
If they are children he's raised, then it is a little perverse but that is it. Psychologically speaking, he could be turned on by the beauty of the children he created. It is a powerful feeling to have beautiful and successful children.
If they are children you brought into the marriage, then he is simply attracted to them. They have reflections of you in them and I'm sure that turns him on.
Instead of running for the hills, try talking and finding out what he needs or what he is lacking.

St James, Are you defending HIM, and blaming HER? Because it sounds like it from where I sit, in REALITY. Read your post. It makes no sense at all. You're saying that because her kids might look like her she should be flattered by her husband wacking off to them? And she MIGHT not be satisfying this sick b@st@rd sexually?Do you have kids?

21years, I have prayed for you because this has got to be devastating to you. He masturbates to your children's photos, and that's bad enough, but how do you know that he's not fantasizing about them when they were young? Either way, this is sick. He was caught once, and that should have shamed him into help. But it didn't. Like any other addiction, this will get worse before it gets better. I say that this is something that is not EVER going to leave your memory, even if you live to be 125 years old.You'll see him talking to them and not help but wonder if he's thinking sick thoughts. He'll touch you and try to initiate sex, and you'll think... what if. You'll get a roll of film developed and not want him to know. No, I think that this a deal breaker. 21 years and not really knowing this man is enough. Maybe he did sick things to your children, maybe not, but will you ever really know? GOD bless you on your decision. How dare he take your children's purity away from you. How dare he ruin your love and trust?

[Gemini54]

This thead has been dormant since end May, I don't think they are going to come back and it might, I add might, have been a troll.

[jmjoseph]

This thead has been dormant since end May, I don't think they are going to come back and it might, I add might, have been a troll.

I didn't even notice the date on it because I was so shocked. I hope that it is a troll, this time.