[dontknownuthin]

I am enrolled in a graduate level career training program and am doing very well in that program (straight As). The Dean of the program, however, is a very difficult person in my limited experience with her. She filled in for one of my instructors in a class, and previously the instructor advised me to share a concern about the text for the course with her, as the Dean is responsible for selecting text-books and this one had truly been very problematic.

A concern very similar to that which had been cropping up all semester (errors in the instructions for homework, primarly) came up related to the Dean's in-class assignment. The results of the assignment were aweful - we broke up into groups, worked on this assignment trying to follow the really bad directions, and in so doing, none of us got into the same zip code with a reasonable answer and the exercise was a ridiculous waste of time.

At any rate, the class atmosphere was very casual - Saturday morning, everyone on a first name basis, lots of personal conversation (including the Dean) and I felt comfortable in that atmosphere in sharing with the Dean that similar problems with instructions were very common in the text, and I was finding it most frustrating. I shared that I found that there were so many errors in the book, it was becoming a difficult distraction and obstructing my learning process in the class.

She was very offended by my criticism of the book and twisted what I said into some perceived personal attack on herself and everyone who chose the book to start with, which of course it wasn't. I explained that I meant no offense to anyone, and was only saying the book had some errors pertaining to homework assignments, that it had been openly discussed in previous class sessions, and that I simply thought she'd want to know but of course, I didn't expect her to necessarily agree with me.

She would not accept my explanation, and began to personally attack me, suggesting I was in the wrong program, telling me I was ridiculous, saying I was immature and so on. In fact, I was respectful of her but only after she began insulting me, I likely was not very good at hiding the fact that I was offended and very irritated with her for speaking to me that way in front of all of my adult classmates. We're like, all in our forties!

Anyway, I couldn't end the discussion so I politely excused myself saying, "I'm sorry I brought the matter up in class - please know I didn't expect it would upset you so much, or I would not have mentioned it. I should have talked to you privately. At any rate, I'm sorry for taking up class time and I think perhaps I should just excuse myself at this point. No offense, I just don't want to disrupt the class any further". And, I left. I did not storm out or anything, I just left like a grown-up.

Later I sent an email to the dean reiterating my apology, and also explaining why I became so upset with her, stating that the personal comments she made about me shocked me and that I felt they were inappropriate, but that I was willing to forget about the whole thing and move on. I complimented her many achievements on our behalf in the program, as well, and shared that I hoped this one disagreement would not give the impression that I was generally unhappy with the program.

Some time later she refused my application to do an internship based on "my behavior" in that class. She offered to meet with me so that I could "prove" that I was a better person than she thought (in other words, to apologize and grovel some more). I knew that I was at my limits with this person - frankly, I feel she was in the wrong, I was not. I apologized anyway - several times, to both her and the entire class. I feared that if I met with her, she might be similarly abusive, and I might say too much in response.

So, I wrote her to say that I felt too much had been said already, I hoped she would accept my earlier apologies, but that I didn't feel we should meet again to discuss the matter, and as such, would remove my request for an internship from the table.

I've now learned she's heard about some jobs I applied for through the grapevine, and told a potential employer not to hire me. I lost the job as a direct result of this bad mouthing. What should I do to muzzle this individual so I can get a job?

[Gemini54]

You can't muzzle her, but you can stop your job prospects getting onto the grapevine.

What you have described is similar behavior to someone that is a narcissist which she may well be. Narcissists typically overreact to imagined slights and will not accept apologies. They hold grudges which no amount of pleading will budge. They will never admit that they are wrong.

There is very little that you can do to change her perception of your behavior or her response to it. But you can change your own. Ignore her, don't interact with her again if you can possible help it, and if you do act as if nothing has happened. (Don't delete the emails you sent her though, just in case you need them.)

Make sure you keep all your job aspirations and applications completely confidential and don't (obviously) use her as a referee. Keep your intentions regarding prospective employers close to your chest, don't even tell your friends until you've got the job.

[artlady]

If you can prove that she did this ,you can take her to court for slander.
Because her false statement was a direct result of you missing a job opportunity.
Perhaps just the threat of slander would be enough to muzzle her.
She must have a superior and I would try to make contact with them.
Here is a definition of slander.

A type of defamation. Slander is an untruthful oral (spoken) statement about a person that harms the person's reputation or standing in the community. Because slander is a tort (a civil wrong), the injured person can bring a lawsuit against the person who made the false statement. If the statement is made via broadcast media -- for example, over the radio or on TV -- it is considered libel, rather than slander, because the statement has the potential to reach a very wide audience.

[JudyKayTee]

There is a graduate level paralegal program in your area?

[dontknownuthin]

Yes, actually. It's a masters program. First I earned a certificate (which is what most people pursue rather than an associates degree when they already have a BA), and I'm now in a graduate program which permits students to customize their majors. There are 10 of us pursuing masters in paralegal studies. The field is evolving.

[JudyKayTee]

Interesting - rather than get a masters in Paralegal study, why don't people go to law school if they are interested in a legal career?

I am well aware that the field is evolving. My personal hope is that Paralegals will be licensed. In NY (at least) there are NO guidelines, no educational requirements, and there are file clerks wandering around calling themselves Paralegals.

[excon]

Hello d:

I don't know. You're in a legal career, but you don't want to use the law to help you?? Don't make no sense to me.

excon

[dontknownuthin]

Thanks for your replies...

I can't demonstrate enough damages to sue, and pursuing it might jeopordize the other, consistently positive relationships that I enjoy with my instructors in the program, and in a former legal program I have completed - she knows many of them and supervise many of them in their teaching roles. They are all attorneys and judges, so burning bridges with them would not be worth whatever petty settlement I might get. Perhaps I could get an injunction, but I have a feeling word would still get around - she's pretty unscrupulous.

Why a masters instead of a law degree? A masters is feasible at this time, I was offered a grant to cover all of my books and tuition, and it works for me as a single parent right now. I am able to focus on things that do not really replicate law school education, so if I pursue law school when my son is grown, I will still benefit from what I'm learning in this program. It's technically an MBA, focusing on paralegal studies. I am learning project and document management, technology, accounting and finance, human resources and also working more intensely on research, reasoning and writing. When my son is grown, I can move into the city and pursue law school. I am hoping the strong grades I earn now will offset the less stellar grades I earned years ago during my undergraduate career, and will enable me to get into the law school of my choice. I think that having this masters, my certificate, my BA in journalism and by then, work experience as a paralegal, will really put me in a great position to get into and excel in law school.

I know it sounds like a lot of school - I love school, so to me it's a great thing. I know other people would be nauseous thinking about it, but I'm kind of an academic type and love the process of learning.

[excon]

Poisonous, untrue rumors

My understanding is that in order to sue for this sort of wrongdoing, one has to be able to demonstrate damages. What is the value of an internship?

Hello again, don't:

What, prey tell, is being poisoned?? Would that be your reputation?? Or is it just your sensibilities?? If your reputation is poisoned, who's going to hire you - ANYWHERE - for ANYTHING?

You ask what the value of an internship is. I ask what the value of a career is.

excon

[JudyKayTee]

Hello again, don't:

What, prey tell, is being poisoned??? Would that be your reputation??? Or is it just your sensibilities??? If your reputation is poisoned, who's gonna hire you - ANYWHERE - for ANYTHING?

You ask what the value of an internship is. I ask what the value of a career is.

excon

Out of greenies - have you looked at other posts? They provide some background/an explanation.

Here's another case of hurt feelings - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/office...ml#post1779077

[Fr_Chuck]

The issue getting to perhaps why she is upset, as the dean most likely she approves or even picks out the books perhaps. So your attack on the book, if she was the one who decided to use it, would be an attack on her choice.

One has to know when not to attack a choice. The class may be "informal" with a teacher, but when a dean is present, the class should have known to be more formal.

[N0help4u]

Interesting - rather than get a masters in Paralegal study, why don't people go to law school if they are interested in a legal career?

I am well aware that the field is evolving. My personal hope is that Paralegals will be licensed. In NY (at least) there are NO guidelines, no educational requirements, and there are file clerks wandering around calling themselves Paralegals.

Yeah tell me about it. I went two years to paralegal. They said I could get a job in the same type things as the criminal justice program when I graduated. I think they just sait that to get me to enroll because all the jobs seem to be to me are nothing more than file clerk and typing forms. Not my intent of what I went to school for.

[N0help4u]

What was the book subject on?

[dontknownuthin]

No longer an issue - got a job.