[BlueRuby]

I would really like people's opinion on this... I am getting married soon to a man with a 2 yr. old grandson. We are not inviting children to the wedding, which will be in th evening & held in a historic home. My fiancé called his daughter, who must travel from out of town, to discuss our preference for obtaining a sitter in our home for the grandson, or to suggest that her local-in-laws could babysit. Before he could ge the words out, she announced to him that she wants to bring the baby. He was then unable to tell his daughter that we didn't want young children there. (We are having a party the night before the wedding for oot guests where family will be able to visit with grandson).

I am annoyed and feel that daughter is rude, and as always, very bothered that fiancé can't stand up to his own daughter... I always end up losing. I also suspect that she knew we were not going to want 2-yr old there, which is why she quickly made her intentions known... Guess I will have to suck it up, but I can't get over feeling angry. Having a 2yr old running all over the reception at a historically furnished museum is bad enough, but I really don't want a 2 yr old disrupting the ceremony. I've read some awful stories about just how much disruptive a toddler can be.. . Thoughts please... Is she being rude & inconsiderate or am I worried over nothing?

[ScottGem]

Both the ceremony and reception will be in this home? What I would do is arrange with wherever the ceremony will be held for a small room to act as a nursery. Hire a baby sitter to stay with grandson during the ceremony. Have your fiancée call his daughter and explain to her, that while he loves his grandson, he wants everyone to be able to enjoy the ceremony. Therefore he has made these arrangements for the grandson. Have him also tell her that the baby-sitter will be available during the reception as well if she wants to make use of the service.

If this is not an acceptable compromise to her, then she's a spoiled brat who needs a firmer hand. In discussing this with your fiancée, I would explain that to him (maybe more politely) and suggest he really needs to stand up to her.

I will add that however many horror stories you hear about young children at weddings there are probably many other stories about how well things went.

[CaptainForest]

Hello BlueRuby,

First, I think YOU are being a bit unreasonable.

Maybe you are mad at the daughter over other issues so you are letting everything get to you.

But, this is his grandson.

Scott's idea of a separate nursery is a good idea.

Let me tell you a story.

When I was 2, my aunt got married.

I went, and I was even the ring barer.

And, when I did act up (and I did, I was only 2)…My dad simply picked me up and took me outside where we waited until I calmed down and promised to behave.

Don't not invite the grandson, I can understand about all the little children, but grandchildren are different.

[ScottGem]

I'm a bit mixed about Captain's advice here. I d agree that you may be overreacting, but I suspect there is more history here then you've told us. If you could count on the daughter removing the grandson from the ceremony if he acts up, then I wouldn't see a problem.

.

However, I think Captain isn't taking into account how special wedding is. I don't know if this is your first (obviously its not his). It can be very important to the bride that things go well, if not perfectly.

I also don't think he gave in because its his grandson, but more because he's a wimp.

Since this is family, though, and you will have to live with them, I think a compromise Like I suggested) is in order.

[Fr_Chuck]

Well I will stand against the crowd on this issue as normal.

I don't believe children should be keep out of a wedding, they are wonderful events that the children can learn the importance of getting married.

And esp a grand child, I would never ever agree not to have my gand kids at any event that was important to my life. To me it would be saying grandkids are not important enough to me to have them there.

I think it is always a bad mistake to ask people to not bring their kids to these events. As a person I have refused to go to weddings that have asked this. I am sure you will have many guests who dislike this, having to cost them day care expense. Not this child but others.
And I will assume many will be talking behind your back about it. They do at all the weddings I officiate that make this choice.

[CaptainForest]

I agree with Fr Chuck.

It is one thing to say, for cost reasons, that all children of your first cousins will NOT be invited.

But a grandson.

I like what Fr Chuck said, “To me it would be saying grandkids are not important enough to me to have them there.”

That is so true. He is only 2, how can you even hate this kid?

Scott makes some good points as well, when he said “I suspect there is more history here then you've told us”. And I agree with that.

As I said, this isn't a HUGE issue, but if you are upset with the daughter over other things (or upset with your fiancé about other things), you could simply be taking your anger and frustration out over this issue.

You should really think about the real reasons you are mad here…

[BlueRuby]

Thank you all for your input... the issue of children at weddings seems to be one with very strong camps on both sides... Yes, it is my first wedding. While I want very much to be "gracious" bride and to host an inclusive wedding, some things are just very difficult. And yes, there is certainly plenty of history that is no doubt coloring my views... I distrust this daughter, who must always be the center of the family's attention - my suspicion is that she wants to use her daughter to get attention, or that she will not remove her promptly from the cermony if she is disruptive... Thank you all again for your input & I plan to my very best to grit my teeth and smile if grandson is screaming in the middle of my ceremony... and I am not intending to sound sarcastic... I will try my best.

[ScottGem]

...my suspicion is that she wants to use her daughter to get attention, or that she will not remove her promptly from the cermony if she is disruptive...smile if grandson is screaming

Whoa! Something smells here. Is the 2 yr old a boy or a girl. In your original note you refer to a grandson. As noted above you alternately refer to a daughter and grandson!

But, whatever, if the child misbehaves and the mother does remove the child it will reflect badly on the mother not you. If you are gracious about it, you will come up smelling like roses.

I still thing you should arrange for a "nursery". And I think you need to talk strongly with the groom about stepping in if the situation gets out of control. If the child acts up and the mother doesn't remove it, then her father should take action and tell her to remove the child.

[talaniman]

The thing that gets me is if no children are invited why does the daughter get a pass here? If everyone else can get a babysitter why can't she. The nursery idea sounds good but will that apply to everyone with kids? If not, not a good idea to me. Maybe Dad should be a little more supportive or is this going to be a pattern after your marriage as well??

[s_cianci]

Actually, a little of both. If you choose to exclude children from your wedding, then your intended step-daughter should respect your wishes. She should be tactfully told that children are not to attend and if she has a problem with that then it's just that ; her problem, not yours and not your fiance's. She'll have to live with it. If she wants to sulk and be a snot about it, then so be it. Now, personally, I disagree with excluding children from weddings. Keep in mind that this is your fiance's grandson and soon to be yours as well. What's really important ; your fancy wedding at this historic house which'll be over in a few hours or your grandson, with whom you'll have a relationship for the rest of your lives? Frankly, if I were in your fiance's shoes, I would want my grandson to be there.

[starryeyed]

I'm planning a wedding myself at the moment, and I'm starting to learn that a lot of the influence that people try to exert is less about the issue that's being agued about, and more about power and loss...

I think that people often feel split when it comes to weddings in the family - they're happy that their family member has found someone they love and want to marry, and they are a little sad, or feeling out of place, because when someone marries, they're telling the world that THIS person is their family and priority. That saying about gaining a son but losing a daughter can't be for nothing...

I have had something similar happen recently - and this is how I tried to think about it to make it easier for myself...

1) We are getting married... YAY!! Whatever happens or goes wrong - this is our day!!

2) I am the bride. My soon-to-be husband made his decision, and we will be each others' focus. I can be gracious and compromise on the things that aren't central to my experience, but will make other people feel good and included... Because I love my man, I want to accept and come to love his family, I don't want them to feel loss or resentment...

3) Having said this, if I feel that someone is being rude, disregarding or unnaccepting, I need to know that my fiancé is sticking up for me, that he's got my back, that he won't let any one demean me or take advantage of me or ridicule me. That's just part of being a good partner...

I decided these things for myself because no matter what anyone else does, I have to live with myself...

So - what does it really mean for you not to have children at your wedding?
What does it mean for the daughter to have her son there?
How does your fiancé really feel about it - and how could he feel about being caught between the two women he should love? If a family is close and treats each other well, odds are your partner will treat you the same - so do you really want to be part of a severed family?
I think that the relationship between generations can be something special. My grandparents can't come to my wedding, and it's quite difficult for us all...

There are ways around this, and in the end, it's your wedding, and, we've all heard the horror stories and know that any bride who throws a big enough tantrum will get her way - but what compromise can you make that will mean that you can live with yourself?