Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    sempervirens's Avatar
    sempervirens Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    May 9, 2009, 01:55 PM
    Gf's past bothers me, what to do, now I'm insecure
    So, I'm having a hard time with my girlfriend's past. And, because of it, I fear it'll affect our relationship. The more I know the more I question the long-term viability of our relationship. Or, maybe, the likelihood it'll ever go from boyfriend/girlfriend to fiance/fiancee. Boy, this sucks. Here are the issues: sex, religion, and friends.

    Sex. Most of her sexual background isn't my business, and some of it is. I asked if she was safe, positive for any STDs, and had been recently tested. We had this conversation when stuff was getting serious between us a couple months in the relationship. She assured me on all three counts. This is a few months later, and she shared that she might be positive for HPV (not a big deal in-and-of-itself, but I deserved to know back then), and that she hadn't been tested for STDs since her previous nine partners. That wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. Ironically, the part that's been screwing with my mind the most is the nine previous partners. She shared that the year prior to our meeting she'd decided to explore her sexuality. I'd like to say I'm okay with that, but I'm really not.

    We met under circumstances of our shared spirituality (we're Christian). I don't expect anyone these days to be a virgin; I'm not. I've had a handful of sexual partners, each of whom I cared for deeply and knew for several months. Really, I've only ever dated women coming at sexuality from the same or a more conservative angle than mine. She shared that she'd had a rough go of it after a bad breakup and has spent the year prior to our meeting hooking up with guys in short-term relationships, as sex buddies, or for a one night stand. To be honest, I'm just not okay with it. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. We talked about it candidly, and she said she was ashamed and regretted it. I let her know it bothered me, but that it was in the past. Then I went in the bathroom and threw up. Okay, so maybe the sex is in the past, but the implications aren't for me.

    It's not my place to tell her what's right or wrong. I understand a lot of people either do this now or have in the past. I guess all I feel I can say is whether it's okay with me, now. It's the past and it can't be taken back. All I can choose is whether I get over it and we move on. Or I leave. There's no point in being upset about it for it's own sake. On the other hand, I feel like it speaks to character and chaos. First, I don't think it speaks well of her character that she did this. Second, we met during this, in a chaotic time in her life. She was lonely and sad, making questionable choices with guys, drinking often, and a few times drinking and driving. Then we meet. I don't want to feel like the guy who encouraged her to change back to the person she was before. That doesn't seem like a solid foundation for a relationship. There was all this chaos in her life, what she's referring to as an identity crisis, and that was when I walked on stage. All I wanted was for two high-functioning people to come together, two people who both had it together.

    Religion. During the past year before we met she hadn't been going to church. That's been a huge part of our relationship together. I wish she'd said going with me was the first time she'd gone in awhile. First, faith is important to me. Second, she was the one who brought it up and she always wanted to go. Seriously, I feel mislead, there.

    Friends. I suppose it already sounds judgmental by this point, so let me say what I really feel: I think some of her friends suck. Your friends don't have to believe what you do, but they should honor what you believe, and look out for you. If she'd been hurting after a breakup and suddenly started acting out of character, her friends could have spoken up. I've done it for my friends, they've done it for me. A few of her friends encouraged her to spend more time at the bars and hooked her up with guys to sleep with. If that's what the person you're with is about, there you go. If not, I just don't think it's cool. She can spend time with the friends she wants, but I've suddenly lost respect for some of her friends, and I don't think that's helping.

    The bottom line is that I feel like I've been mislead. This is months later. We're in love. I don't think at the outset she was obligated to share her life story. But I shouldn't have been led to believe she was the same person she was around me as she'd been the previous year, that our relationship was being built on a foundation where we were both on steady footing.

    I love her. Even after this, I don't want to leave. What she did neither of us can take back. If I could, I'd give a lot to take back some of her past. But, by now, it's really about me rather than her. We can't control the past, only the present. If we're going to be together, I need to get past it. Honestly, I'm struggling so hard with this. It makes me feel horrible. Makes me question our future together, and more than questioning her, it makes me question myself. Will what we have ever be special... am I really good enough... am I different than the others... is this all a game for her... it's tapping out insecurities I haven't questioned since the time I was cheated on. This isn't the same thing, and I know that, but it's the only thing since that's made me feel almost as bad.

    This is starting to strain not only my relationship with her, but my relationship with God. I don't feel like I deserved this. I'm not perfect, far from it. But I've made my way up from growing up homeless to attending an Ivy League school, I've volunteered for thousands of hours with youth, I've loved the Lord and he's provided for me. Maybe I shouldn't have been having premarital sex. Maybe this is what goes with the territory. I feel horrible.

    And after all this we just don't seem like this couple. We're both smart, attractive, and well liked. This isn't the end of the world, or the relationship, but I don't feel like it's what I've signed on for. I lived my life so that I could grow and live well, marry and have a family. I feel like now I'm with the girl you have fun with, not the one you marry. And I don't know now if I really want to marry her. And if I don't, I don't see the point in dating her. It makes me so upset and angry. Some with her, some with God, much more with myself.

    Tl;dr: So, how can I get over this? And, how can I get over the insecurities I now feel that have come with all this? Also, sorry if I've come off like a judgmental jerk. It's not how I meant to, although you're welcome to say I am. Thanks for the replies...
    Triysle's Avatar
    Triysle Posts: 245, Reputation: 84
    Full Member
     
    #2

    May 9, 2009, 02:03 PM
    You can't ignore your feelings about this, and you shouldn't have to. Regardless of anyone's personal feelings toward your beliefs, you need to do what makes you happy. If you can't be comfortable with this girl's past, then it's not fair for either of you to try and force a relationship to work.

    It's one thing to work through problems together, but that involves making compromises on both sides. She cannot change her past, only her present actions with you. If you cannot accept that, then what do you expect her to do?

    Bottom line, you both deserve to be with someone who wants you and accepts you for who you are, regardless of your past actions. If she is willing to get tested, and willing to come out open with her entire past, that shows how much she cares about you; maybe she "mislead" you early on, and that was a mistake on her part. However, you have to decide for yourself whether or not you can get over this new information or not.

    Once you make your decision, inform her of it and leave it in the past. Don't agree to let it go, and then bring it up all the time. If you can't accept it, then you can't make a relationship work with her. Period..

    ~ Tee
    Ren6's Avatar
    Ren6 Posts: 539, Reputation: 121
    Senior Member
     
    #3

    May 9, 2009, 02:06 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by sempervirens View Post

    I lived my life so that I could grow and live well, marry and have a family. I feel like now I'm with the girl you have fun with, not the one you marry. And I don't know now if I really want to marry her. And if I don't, I don't see the point in dating her.
    For me, this says it all.

    You feel misled, and it doesn't seem like you're going to get past it. You don't see her as the type you would marry, so I think you should do both of you a favor and break this thing off. Neatly, cleanly, no contact, etc.

    Just my opinion. Good luck!
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
    Ultra Member
     
    #4

    May 9, 2009, 02:22 PM

    Perhaps some counseling with a pastor is called for.
    You will have an objective third party to help you both understand how to deal with the issues of trust and forgiveness and help you with communicating your feelings.It can't hurt.

    Her past behavior was reckless and speaks of someone who has some issues.Healthy ,emotionally stable people do not engage in these types of actions.

    I do think pastoral counseling is a good way to go ,even if the outcome is that you can not continue with the relationship,at least you will have given it a fair shot.
    Triysle's Avatar
    Triysle Posts: 245, Reputation: 84
    Full Member
     
    #5

    May 9, 2009, 02:35 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by artlady View Post
    Her past behavior was reckless and speaks of someone who has some issues.Healthy ,emotionally stable people do not engage in these types of actions.
    I'm a healthy, emotionally stable person, and I've had one night stands and sexual friends. Don't be so quick to judge someone based on their previous actions - everyone has the potential to change. :)

    ~ Tee
    Survivor07's Avatar
    Survivor07 Posts: 380, Reputation: 143
    Full Member
     
    #6

    May 9, 2009, 02:40 PM

    A big part of Christianity is forgiveness, is it not?

    She did some things she's not proud of and hopefully has forgiven herself for it.

    In fact, most people have done things they're not proud of. People make mistakes, especially when they're young.

    She doesn't need forgiveness from you because she was not with you at the time. BUT if you can't get past her past but love her and want to be with her, then I think what Artlady said is right on. Couples counseling with a pastor would be a good idea.

    Your insecurities are coming into play because she is more sexually experienced than you (nothing wrong with that) and you've been cheated on. So, I see that the problem lies with how you think.

    What's done is done. It would be very wrong to throw her past in her face over and over again. It's not fair to her.

    If you're looking for someone to marry that has a past more like you and is more serious about Christianity, and you know that it's not her, then it would be wise to be honest about this and move on.

    By the way, I think you can and should marry "the girl you have fun with", and especially the one you love and respect.
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
    Ultra Member
     
    #7

    May 9, 2009, 03:43 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Triysle View Post
    I'm a healthy, emotionally stable person, and I've had one night stands and sexual friends. Don't be so quick to judge someone based on their previous actions - everyone has the potential to change. :)

    ~ Tee
    I never said she did not have the potential to change.I never even suggested anything regarding change.

    I did make a judgment about her emotional stability based on her promiscuity(one night stands) her drinking and drinking and driving. Emotionally stable people do not behave this way,in my opinion.

    In the future I would appreciate it if you would refrain from telling me how to answer my posts.
    Lonelyandbroken's Avatar
    Lonelyandbroken Posts: 118, Reputation: 15
    Junior Member
     
    #8

    May 9, 2009, 03:58 PM
    If you can't handle her past. Then you'll never be able to accept her no matter how much you love her. If you can't do that your doomed I'm afraid. Sometime accepting a person past if very very hard. Its not fair to them if you can't handle it and it causes problems later.
    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
    Ultra Member
     
    #9

    May 9, 2009, 05:37 PM

    Everyone has a past, you have a choice just as she did with her sexual life, you can walk away from her now. You know about her past now, personally I think some people can change but it's hard. I know a girl who has been with over 50 guys since and she's only 21, and now she finally met a good guy, got engaged and they are due to get married next year. It is possible to have a happy ever after with someone who has a sexual past
    nonplused's Avatar
    nonplused Posts: 1, Reputation: 0
    New Member
     
    #10

    Dec 18, 2011, 10:18 AM
    Marriage is for the birds. Once you realize this, you can be with any woman and accept her past, because you are not committed to her future. I know it's hard for religious people to get their head around it, but God di not mean for mrimates to marry or be monogomous, and that includes humans. Do not marry this girl, and your concerns will evaporate. You will then be free to have a healthy relationship together where you do not feel you are getting the short end of the stick, because you will both be coming into it for what it is. Throw marriage into it though, and it's screwed because now you are expecting her to bring as much to the table as you are. She can't. And that's not her fault.

    Remember folks, if you aren't a virgin, you aren't marriage material and you missed the point.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search


Check out some similar questions!

Insecure about girlfriends past [ 3 Answers ]

I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half now. I'm 22 and she's 25. She is my first "official" girlfriend and the first one I've ever been intimate with. We've had a great relationship so far but along the way I pick up things she mentions about her past and I piece them together,...

I'm an insecure boyfriend, and don't want to hurt my girlfriend. Jelous and insecure [ 17 Answers ]

Hi, thanks for coming to help out. I don't want to go on a whole large rant, but I do want to make sure that anyone reading this truly gets what I am talking about. My name is Kevin and I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a little over a year now. I met her in High school and...

Can't get over my gf's past and I can't trust her [ 34 Answers ]

I have been dating my girlfriend for 3 months now. We like each other a lot. Things are going great. But the for the last 30 days, I have been stressing out and I am in a very bad mood. Here is the problem. I am 22 year old. I have only had two girls in my life. My girlfriend is 19. But she has...

Here is something unexplained that really bothers me and I don't know what it is. [ 1 Answers ]

There are many things I do not understand that happen to me. I have gone through several experiences that I do not talk about because I feel I am going insane. One of these however, seems to have to do with a lot of the things that are happening. In this I will give as much information about...


View more questions Search