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anika_ · May 9, 2009, 01:37 AM

I have recently come out of a relationship where my ex said he doesn't want to be tied down etc etc and that this "always happens to him in relationships" . He has had many gf's with his longest relationship being about a year and he is in his mid twenties..

He said he has never been in love with anyone and has never told a girl he loves her.

In the beginning he was sooo so sweet and caring and he said that he feels like he could fall in love with me.. But then after around 6months he started acting different and pulled away.

I am wondering if what he said is really true.. Was it inevitable that this was going to come to an end because of his fear of commitment or maybe it was something I did that caused this.

He is seeing someone else at the moment which makes me sad because I still care about him and I'm not sure how to get him out of my head. I'm trying to make sense of why this happened and how I can make sure to prevent it in the future..

ylaira · May 9, 2009, 02:13 AM

Nobody can tell. Those who doesn't want to be tied down it's either...

1. They are really commitment phobic. Family history and heartbreaking relationship in the past play major roles on it.
2. They are just cynical about relationships.
3. He just not into you and just making excuses.
4. Or maybe he's just like Simon Cowell who just don't want to share his millions but doesn't like pre-nup either.

Just keep a good instinct next time. Watch out of the excuses and be straightforward.

It's not you, it's just it's not time yet to find Mr. Right.

ajGambino · May 9, 2009, 03:09 AM

It's not making sense because he's running around the truth, probably to spare your feelings.

My guess?

He left you for this other girl he's seeing. He did not want to tell you because he'd feel bad about leaving a relationship to start another, leaving you behind. Even though he's that shallow, his excuses shows that he still cares about you. Unfortunately not enough to stick around.

Go and stay NC to get thoughts out of your head. It's going to be hard, it's going to suck... take it one day at a time and eventually days will get easier.

roxypox · May 9, 2009, 03:27 AM

He might be a commitment phobe. Especially if those things he said were fact.

But then again he can be making excuses. Its kind of hard to tell. Ylaira's list was pretty good though! It certainly does give a few good options.

talaniman · May 9, 2009, 04:34 AM

He sounds more like a player, who was ready to move on, but you wanted more, than he was ready to give. I would take him at his word..

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ly-351507.html

Maybe staying single for a while, so you can heal properly, will let you emotional dust settle enough, so you can figure your own feelings out. I think he was your rebound.

susangpyp · May 9, 2009, 04:47 AM

My suggestion would be to focus on you more than him. Here's a guy who is clearly saying he's not ready for the thing that you want. He's already seeing someone else. He may have been great in the beginning and he may even be a great person to some extent, but he's causing you pain and you want to move away from anyone who causes you pain as soon as possible.

Forget about the questions about him. Is he really a commitmentphobe or is it you? Who cares? He's gone. The thing to worry about is your self-esteem. How is it doing? How are you doing?

What can you do to avoid this happening again? Work on you. Raise that self-esteem and self-awareness. Don't be quick to blame yourself when someone starts acting like a dope.

Move on, do your grief work, be good to you and one day you will see this relationship end as a good thing. Better than being strung along by someone who doesn't have a serious relationship in him.

makapuu · May 9, 2009, 09:01 AM

I agree with most replies that the focus here is not trying to figure out your ex.

This is what I learned from my boyfriend. He seemed to be a commitment phobe. He dated several women over the past decade. All of which he had broke their hearts, but they still keep in touch with him. I feared that I would be one of them, and I hesitated getting into a relationship with him and told him so. He explained that he never loved them, and he never said, "I love you" to them. He had fun dating and getting to know them, but once they wanted a deeper relationship, he felt the responsibility not to lead them on. He then reassured that I was, "the one" He tells me that he loves me all the time.

So in reality, commitment phobes are only that way until they meet the right one.

anika_ · May 9, 2009, 06:36 PM

Yes he started of as a rebound I guess but I really fell for him eventually because he was sooo into me that I put my guard down.. I don't think he broke up with me for her because he only met her a few weeks ago and we have been broken up for a few months.. In which we have still kind of been seeing each other but now that he has met her I think he's completely trying to forget about me..

We still talk all the time which I know is bad but the other day he text me wanting to come see me.. I didn't reply that night and the next day my friend told me he saw him out with that girl.. I never mentioned anything about that and the next day I told him to come see me if he wants and he said it's a bad idea..

I don't understand what is going on? Why would he say that the first night and then change his mind the second?

anika_ · May 10, 2009, 02:23 AM

Ahh I just miss him so much! I can't believe this is happening I really thought that we were meant to be together.. And now he is seeing this other girl..

The first time I saw them together I was really upset but then that night he left her and was trying to see me but I told him I don't want to see him anymore.. Soo he was txting and chasing me around for about two weeks before I missed him a lot and so I gave in and saw him.. And now it seems like he is over me.. Well at least that's what he said..

I just want to be with him still I was so happy when we were together.. how do I move past this? I know I should do no contact as this is what Ive done with my other ex's but it is just different with this one.. plus I'm leaving the country soon and so I will probably never see him again when I go.. How do I move past it??

none12345 · May 10, 2009, 08:02 AM

He probably just enjoys the benefits of having a girlfriend, kissing, holding hands etc.

Keep NC into play, it might take a while but eventually you will be able to move past it. For now hang out with friends and families and go out and do the things that make you happy!

roxypox · May 10, 2009, 09:36 AM

I'm sorry, but after reading the post suggesting that he is a player and reading your other posts, I do agree with that.

You need to find away to get him out of your life permanently. Sometimes we thing we've met someone worth keeping, and then we get to know them better and it turns out that we're wrong... it might be sad to realize it... C'est la vie!

Like none suggested; No contact sounds like a good idea. That way you don't have to have him in your life...