[Chilli_Lime]

Hi,

I had been with my ex for 3 years, she broke up with me a week and a half ago. I first started with a argument we began to have during a holiday from university. The argument wasn't serious and began because of tenson that had been building up due to the amount of time we were spending on our uni work and not together. I had noticed that we had slightly drifted apart and that we were not communicating very well. At the height of this argument she decided to break up with me, however after we talked we decided that another 2 months would be a good idea to see if we can reconcile our differences over the past month. In this conversation she did mention that she had become fond of another guy that she had been working closely with at university.

Once we got back to university she had a dinner with a few of her friends from class and this guy made a move on her when dropping her off home in a taxi. She told me that he had kissed her and that she did respond. After this happened she immediately drove round to mine to tell me what had happen and ask for my forgiveness which of course I gave her as I do truly love her. We resolved the situation and she seemed very pleased about the situation.

Again a few days later she was abit on edge and decided that the break is what she wanted, after a bit of logical reasoning on my behalf (which I no was wrong but I was desperate) we decided for a couple more weeks, however this was short lived and a few days later she made the break up final. Later than night she came over to talk and gave me about 52.3 reasons, but I believe it was the lack of attention I was paying her and obviously this other guy trying to step in and provide what I wasn't. Anyway the conversation went all right until the end when I got pretty needy and desperate, I no that was wrong but can't be changed.

We have had minimal contact for the last week and a half, the reason for the contact was just to sort out which time we should catch up for coffee. I have been trying to be really pro-active during this time and had heaps to talk about during our coffee. We didn't spend anytime talking about what had happened between us or what we wanted but just a light conversation about what we had been up to. The talk lasted for an hr and a half and she slightly touched on the subject of how I was doing but I changed the subject when possible.

During the conversation I didn't notice any real tenson which I was expecting it seemed very friendly which I am kind of concerned about because I was expecting a very signs that she may have been re-questioning her decision.

Any what I am asking for is advice for instant when do I next contact her, do I wait for her, is just getting another coffee a good idea or maybe another scene like a walk or something similar. When I do see her again what's some of the things I need to avoid etc.

Any advice on how I should be going about getting her back would be greatly appreciated. And for those that ask have you considered that maybe you don't really need her back and you seem to be acting out of desperation... no, I have really considered my options and have really been questioning whether I do truly love her or do I truly want her back... and YES I do.

[Pokerface5]

Well since you did say you really love her and you WANT her back, then there are a couple of ways you can get her back. Keep in mind that just because you may do ALL the right things to win her over, the choice is ultimately hers. If she still doesn't want to work it out then you can't force her. But here are some ideas. Send her flower, candy, cards, emails, help her get through tough times. As girls we sometimes just need a little more attention. Let her use your shoulder to cry on. Be compassionate and most of all sit down and talk with her about it and pray. Prayer is powerful and if God want's you to be with this person, TRUST ME. He will make it happen. :) good luck

[scortcho]

Well your situation definatley sucks, but I've seen a few friends go through this same problem and most of them didn't get back togeter because the guy tried too hard to get back together and when that didn't work they tried to make everything her fault. So in the end they just loked like jackasses. So, I'd suggest that you keep in contact with her and maintain a friendship. Relationsships are ultimatley friendships with a little extra. Just give her some space, so you don't seem too desperate, and be a friend for a while. Then she will have time to realize why she loved you and with a little luck she'll want you back. I've seen it work that way but it's a delicate situation, just keep your cool and it should work.

[ylaira]

A lover with a third party is much difficult to win back than the one who fell out of love.

My advice is just to just lose it. If she "will come back to her senses" it will happen on it's own. Expect the worst and prepare your moving on plan... 2 weeks from now

[Chilli_Lime]

I do recognise that there is a third party, during our talk she had promised me that she would not lead this guy on for the next 2 months and that it was only likely to end in friendship.

I had also been given advice from friends that when this situation occurs with another guy that it is unlikely that anything will evetuate or that if something does it is usually short-lived due to the circumstances in which she built there relationship on. So I am pretty confident that he will not be that great of an issue however they are in constant contact as they have their office together and are in the same classes.

[Triysle]

I do recognise that there is a third party, during our talk she had promised me that she would not lead this guy on for the next 2 months and that it was only likely to end in friendship.

I had also been given advice from friends that when this situation occurs with another guy that it is unlikely that anything will evetuate or that if something does it is usually short-lived due to the circumstances in which she built there relationship on. So i am pretty confident that he will not be that great of an issue however they are in constant contact as they have their office together and are in the same classes.

Do you know how often promises like that end up broken? She has no idea how she is going to feel about him, and if she is broken up then she has every right to seek another person (even if it's not the best choice).

It sounds like this has been building up for awhile. My ex recently left me for another man, and similarly she promised she was just going to be friends with him. She later confessed to kissing him, and also that she was wanting her friendship with him to lead somewhere further.

You need to understand that she is just leading you on to keep her options open. She feels like if she gives you hope, you'll keep pining for her and she can just come right back whenever she pleases, no matter what she's gone and done.

If she doesn't want you, then accept the situation and move on. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.

Read my sig.

~ Tee

[artlady]

You need to accept that this girl has moved on.

You can not make someone love you or want you.

The sad truth is,you are in denial.

Later than night she came over to talk and gave me about 52.3 reasons

But you chose to discredit everything she said and blamed it on the lack of attention from you.

Your not listening to her ,hence,you are in denial.

It is one of the many stages of grief after a breakup.

Many people in long term relationships fall out of love but still love the person as a person they treasured once.They have difficulty letting go ,so they attempt to wean them self from the person.

I think that is what is happening here,She does not want to devastate you but she is clearly moving on.

[ajGambino]

Her reasons for breaking up with you is as clear as it can be. Sorry to break it to you but she wants to see this other guy. She's giving you the run around about the 50+ excuses to maker HERSELF feel better about leaving you for some other guy.

Funny how things escalated into this whole mess the Same time this guy was hitting and making moves on your ex... I believe she had a lot to do with it, it made her think and now she's opening her options.

Leave her alone and let her figure out what she wants but most importantly, GET YOURSELF IN CHECK and think about if you really want to dedicate your love to someone who can't evenly reciprocate.

I'm sorry but the truth is she left you for some other guy and is giving you the run around. Go NC for yourself and always remember, NC IS FOR YOU. Screw her, you deserve respect and trust which she is not giving you.

[Chilli_Lime]

I thank you for your opinions, but I am not asking whether you believe it is possible or not as to whether we can get back together but rather asking advice on how to do it, (even if your opinion is that I'm asking for the impossible).

Many of my friends that have known both of us since we got together do believe/have told me that she seems confused and by giving her space that we will be able to work things out. I believe in time we will be able to give it another try its just a matter of playing my cards right so that I do not push her away further.

[artlady]

I thankyou for your opinions, but i am not asking whether you believe it is possible or not as to whether we can get back together but rather asking advice on how to do it, (even if your opinion is that i'm asking for the impossible).

Many of my friends that have known both of us since we got together do believe/have told me that she seems confused and by giving her space that we will be able to work things out. I believe in time we will be able to give it another try its just a matter of playing my cards right so that i do not push her away further.

If you insist on believing this can be fixed,then I would say ,you should respect her wishes and wait for her to make contact with you.

[ajGambino]

If you seriously give it time and give yourself NC the right way, you won't be worrying about your relationship with her, you'll be informed that she is no good for you. She left you for another guy... do you really want to go back to that? She's done it once and she'll do it again. Believe me, it's not worth it.

[Chilli_Lime]

Sorry what's NC?

[Triysle]

Sorry whats NC?

It stands for No Contact, and details can be found in this thread.

~ Tee

[jmw0713]

In this conversation she did mention that she had become fond of another guy that she had been working closely with at university.

Sorry man, but she is moving on with this new guy. Right now it is best to let go and do your own thing. Get your goals and priorities together and make a life for yourself. Along the way, go and meet new people and find someone new.

Some where in the last year or so, her feelings have changed. She has been thinking about breaking up with you and getting with this new guy for months now. That is why you noticed the distance. She started concentrating more on forming a bond this new guy rather than you.

You need to wake up and see the situation for what it really is. No more trying. She left you for him, so it's time for you to suck it up and move on.

It's going to be hard! It's going to suck big time, but you have to do it. Your time is too precious to waste on a person who doesn't care about you as much as you care about them.

After you get through the initial shock and emotional withdrawal of NC, you will find that being single isn't bad. You can do what you want when you want.

The best advice I can give right now is:

1. Avoid contacting her.
I say avoid, because I know you want to and will contact her in some form. After doing this a few times, you will learn that pleading your case to her and trying to win her back will get you nowhere.

2. Go to the gym.
Physical exercise will help your mood, confidence, and will get you looking good for all the hot ladies you will meet. It's a good way to release any stress, tension, and anger that you are feeling. You will always feel good after leaving the gym.

3. Go and hang out with your guy friends.
I say guy friends, because you will be tempted to gain pity points from any girl friends you have. Rather than wallow in self pity and the emotional morass of the break-up, guys will just tell you to get over it and get you out doing fun things.

4. Join a new club, find a new hobby, or sign up for a sport.
The key to this one is distraction. You will need to fill as much of your time with fun activities as possible, in order to keep your mind off the ex.

5. Look back and take what you have learned from this relationship and apply it in the future.
This is key. You must give yourself enough time to take an honest look back at what went wrong. You need to realize the mistakes that you have made and what you must work on to fix them, in order to avoid repeating them in the future with your next partner.

6. Talk to new women.
Maybe not right now. Everything is still a little to fresh. Give yourself a month or two from women before doing this. Talking does not mean hooking up and having one night stands (fun at the time but you will usually regret it later). This means talking, flirting, and getting numbers. The whole point of this is to get your confidence back and to expand your social circle with the opposite sex.

Notice how all the things I've mentioned are all about you, you, you. That's exactly who you need to concentrate on right now... YOU!

The next few months are not going to be easy. However, if you take the advice you receive from people and give yourself time to move on from this, you will get back on your feet and be ready to live life again.

[talaniman]

You can't get her back. She has to want to come back, on her own.

Keep your dignity, and self respect, and leave her alone, and through No Contact with her whatsoever, you can heal, and see reality, YOU HAVE NO CARDS TO PLAY.

Rebuild your life around the friends and activities that you enjoy, without her.

Lets be real, a female who dumps you to pursue someone else, didn't feel as attached as you are, and you will see that eventually as the shock your in wears off.

[joshdom]

Firstly, I'm fed up with people on here promoting no contact so heavily. If you feel comfortable and want to call her, then do it! Secondly, if you think she needs attention and that's what you weren't giving her then do something romantic and spontaneous. Drive to her house with some flowers. Arrange a candle lit dinner at yours and tell her you will pick her up and go somewhere but drive to yours. Take her somewhere private with a picnic. Do something really unique and romantic. She will appreciate it, what woman wouldn't. Just don't get too worried about this other guy and tell her what to do. She won't like being controlled and will give into his interest. Let her know youdont mind her talking to him, but you're the only one you want her kissing! If you call be relaxed, and she won't mind you calling sooner next time.

[ajGambino]

firstly, im fed up with people on here promoting no contact so heavily. if you feel comfortable and want to call her, then do it! secondly, if you think she needs attention and thats what you werent giving her then do something romantic and spontaneous. drive to her house with some flowers. arrange a candle lit dinner at yours and tell her you will pick her up and go somewhere but drive to yours. take her somewhere private with a picnic. do something really unique and romantic. she will appreciate it, what woman wouldnt. just dont get too worried about this other guy and tell her what to do. she wont like being controlled and will give into his interest. let her know youdont mind her talking to him, but your the only one you want her kissing! if you call be relaxed, and she wont mind you calling sooner next time.

Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs. -talaniman

[jmw0713]

Tell me why Chilli_Lime should pursue a girl that:

1. Had a relationship with him and knows him.
2. Disregarded how he felt about her and started looking for new guys.
3. Has formed a bond with a new guy and let a 3 year relationship go.
4. Is actually going out and seeing this new guy.

She made the move....not him. If he broke-up with her and then wanted her back, then yes, he would need to do the work. This did not happen. She broke up with him. She made the choice to throw everything the both of them had together away and take the risk with this other guy. She would need to do the work to get him back, if she wanted to.

This was her decision and it was her feelings that changed. There is nothing this guy can do that will change her mind. If he tries, he is just going to waste is time. I hope your not trying this with your ex. You are going to waste your time too.

We live in the real world. Very rarely do people get back together. It does happen, but you cannot put all of your eggs in one basket, when there are so many other people out there to date.

The time you will waste "chasing" this girl, who doesn't want to be with you anymore, should be spent on improving yourself for the NEXT girlfriend. This person will come along. How do you think your ex came into your life, the same way the next girl will.

Keep your chin up. Listen to people the people that have already made the mistakes and are on the path to healing. Not someone that just bought an ebook on how to win your ex back and is giving you advice from that.

[kctiger]

firstly, im fed up with people on here promoting no contact so heavily. if you feel comfortable and want to call her, then do it! secondly, if you think she needs attention and thats what you werent giving her then do something romantic and spontaneous. drive to her house with some flowers. arrange a candle lit dinner at yours and tell her you will pick her up and go somewhere but drive to yours. take her somewhere private with a picnic. do something really unique and romantic. she will appreciate it, what woman wouldnt. just dont get too worried about this other guy and tell her what to do. she wont like being controlled and will give into his interest. let her know youdont mind her talking to him, but your the only one you want her kissing! if you call be relaxed, and she wont mind you calling sooner next time.

You have got to be the single worse advice giver I have seen on here in awhile. We ADVISE people to do what is best for them, not follow some predetermined path to more heart break. If you want to act like a dog, then you feel free to do it, but don't promote acting like a dog to others whom clearly need to get a solid head on their shoulders.

Don't chase a female, period. Once you grow a set, you will understand this.

Carry on... :cool:

[liz28]

No, you never chase a female while she is out chasing someone else.

You don't need her in your life. Life goes on.

Btw, Joshdom thumbs down for your advice.