[joshdom]

My girlfriend and I were together for 4 years, and were both very happy. She started talking to a guy at work, but stopped when she realised he only wanted her for sex. But in that time things between us became rough. She has started talking to him again and the relationship began to decline rapidly. She lied to me and I lost faith in her, and her granddad died so she said she couldn't deal with a relationship at that time. 2 weeks on she is writing to this guy saying she loves him and misses him and can't stop thinking about him (in a friends way) and she said she has stopped loving me. I have tried to put it back but no matter what I tried it didn't work. I paid for a holiday, but while we were there she spend all of the day at her sisters leaving me sat around bored. She said she doesn't know what she wants because she wants it to work but doesn't feel the same feelings for me as she did before. We have slowed things down but we still talk everyday and are best friends still. I want it to work and think that if we work at it we can bring those feelings back. What's the best way of going about things? I tried not texting her but it was far too difficult. I'm only 19 so she is the only girlfriend I have had, but I know she is all I want. I wanted to ask her to marry me when I got back from uni but wasn't given the time. What should I do?

[ajGambino]

I'm sorry for your situation, it's indeed hard to deal with. What you should do is go NC because she seems to be very confused about things. Four years of a relationship doesn't die out just like that, she might be talking to this guy a little more seriously than you think (sorry, it's probably the truth).

Try staying NC and gain some perspective you seem to lack at the moment. I know it seems impossible to not talk to her anymore but that's what you need to do. She needs to find out what she wants and so do you. It might be her right now but time will eventually tell you how you truly feel. Work hard on NC, a lot of people on this forum seem to take it for granted so don't make the same mistake, stick to it. You'll be glad you did.

[joshdom]

Knowing what she is like, I don't think she is and she promises me she isn't. She is a bit angry at the moment because he seems to think thy are together but they aren't. I have told her I want to NC for a while but she suggested a timeframe of 2/3 days. I told her that she should only text me when she knows what she wants and I will text back when I am ready, because obv. I'm still hurting

[liz28]

A relationship takes two to work and at the moment she doesn't want it to work because her attention is on someone else. You don't need her and deserve a lot better. Never pay the sidelines for no one especially someone that lies and cheat.

She might think the grass is greener on the other side but she is going realize it isn't. She just going have to reap with she sow and I guarantee somewhere down the line she is going regret what she did.

You move on and I understand it is easier said then done but I been down the road your on now. Waiting for her to decide who and what she wants is only going cause you misery and you don't want that.

You might not see it now but once the smoke clears your going realize your better off without her.

In life your going learn relationships are a gamble, it even going work or it isn't but it takes two for it to work not one. People change and people lie. You could be doing everything right but they don't appreciate that because they don't. They only care about themselve and want they want.

So you don't need her. So don't let your feelings interfere with your common sense. This is a life lesson for you but your going have many relationship in the future. Once you see the person has eyes for someone else and is going after that person you leave don't stick around. Sorry your had to go through this but it happens to the best of us.

[joshdom]

A relationship takes two to work and at the moment she doesn't want it to work because her attention is on someone else. You don't need her and deserve a lot better. Never pay the sidelines for no one especially someone that lies and cheat.

I get where your coming from but I honestly believe she wouldn't cheat. She is not that type of person, and I am a very good judge of character. I have told her I am willing to do whatever it takes, because clearly there are parts of the relationship she was unhappy with, but she said she would try but she doesn't think she wants to be with me so it would be pointless to try. I told her to go No Contact for a bit and see how she feels. If she loves me she will come back. I have told her if not I want to be friends, but I will see how truthful that is. I don't think I could cope with her finding someone else but maybe that will change. As I said above, she is thinking a few days where as I want her to try for a few weeks. If she texts me before then telling me her decision I won't text back until I am ready.

[liz28]

Did you ever think your girlfriend would lie to you?

Did you ever think she would start talking to another guy and then tells you she love him?

Never put nothing pass no one. View her actions and see her for the person she is not for what you want her to be.

Now she has you waiting around to she basically decides who she wants. If the other guy wasn't in the picture maybe, just maybe the two of you wouldn't be where your are at now.

[joshdom]

I agree, but I do expect a few lies, we are all human. She didn't tell me she loved him, she just says 'lve you' on the end of messages to him and says she misses him and stuff. It is meant in a friends way but she has said she couldn't see me on some days and then seen him, and she has also sent him messages saying she couldn't sleep because she was thinking about him. It al seems very suspicious to me but I can't talk to the other guy because he hates me. I don't know if I can believe what she says anymore. She has said she will change her Facebook status ad things like that but it has been 2/3 months now and she says she doesn't have the time to change it. It would only take 5 minutes! And I said I would change it and she asked me not to. If she doesn't change it, I won't be talking to her again. At worst I want to be friends but I can't have a friend who treats me like that

[Triysle]

i get where your coming from but i honestly believe she wouldnt cheat. she is not that type of person, and i am a very good judge of character. i have told her i am willing to do whatever it takes, because clearly there are parts of the relationship she was unhappy with, but she said she would try but she doesnt think she wants to be with me so it would be pointless to try. i told her to go No Contact for a bit and see how she feels. if she loves me she will come back. i have told her if not i want to be freinds, but i will see how truthful that is. i dont think i could cope with her finding someone else but maybe that will change. as i said above, she is thinking a few days where as i want her to try for a few weeks. if she texts me before then telling me her decision i wont text back until i am ready.

If you cannot think of her without having any hope, then you cannot be friends with her. Friends are supposed to be strong for each other, supposed to help us when we are down. You won't be able to function in that capacity for her, because you'll always be hoping for more than what she is willing to give.

Frankly, the way she treated you should mean more to you that what she said to you. She can say she loves you all she wants, but if she's talking to this other guy and telling you she might have feelings for him too, then you have your answer.

I'm an open-minded person, but I don't want anyone who doesn't want me as well. There should be no contest if she really loved you and wanted to work things out with you. Maybe you made some mistakes, and maybe things would have been different, but it doesn't matter now. She was not willing to work things out with you, and she's moving on to this other guy because she wants him (at least for now).

Right now, sort yourself out, don't talk to her at all, and show her (don't tell her) that you are moving on without her. When you can talk to her without hoping to get back together with her (and be honest with yourself when you do this), then you can consider a friendship. However, if you feel even the slightest urge, back away, and give yourself more time.

I know it's hard. I'm going through it right now, too. But you can do it!

~ Tee

[liz28]

Only liars lie about the things she lie to you about you about. So don't give me the "we all are humans speech".

Your in major denial right now and don't want to face the truth but that okay but it isn't good.

[joshdom]

If you cannot think of her without having any hope, then you cannot be friends with her. Friends are supposed to be strong for each other, supposed to help us when we are down. You won't be able to function in that capacity for her, because you'll always be hoping for more than what she is willing to give.

Frankly, the way she treated you should mean more to you that what she said to you. She can say she loves you all she wants, but if she's talking to this other guy and telling you she might have feelings for him too, then you have your answer.

She hasn't said that she has feelings for him for about 18 months, and she says she doesn't want him in that way. However, I don't know whether to trust her. As a best friend I want to believe her but her story does not all add up. She has not been treating him like this when we were together, and said if she wasn't single she wouldn't talk to anyone like that but I still think its ott. I told her how I felt and she said she wouldn't do it again even though it was not my place to say and she hasn't done it since though, she hasn't spoken to him. She has sent him textxs saying we are not going out but he hasn't replied for a few days. But I am starting to recognise things won't work out. Things were in decline for a few months and whilst I put in all I could she didn't. The reason? She didn't want to I guess. I will see how she feels. If in the coming weeks she misses me then we can sort things out when I'm back in two weeks time, but if nothing has changed the period will be a lot longer. I need to focus on my law exams and try and forget all of this (which seems to make it harder). Thank you for the advice though, I feel very lost I don't know how I should feel, and whether it is my place to tell her how I feel about things. Talking to someone has definitely helped, and taken my mind off texting her. It really hurts in the mornings though. Waking up without a hug and a kiss on the cheeck, and going to bed without saying goodnight :(

[joshdom]

Only liars lie about the things she lie to you about you about. So don't give me the "we all are humans speech".

Your in major denial right now and don't want to face the truth but that okay but it isn't good.

I'm not in denial, I do not know that she has done anything with him. She says she hasn't, and says she doesn't want to and isn't ready. She only lied to me about seeing him, and I didn't like that, but what she does when she isn't with me iis up to her. I should point out that she does say love you and miss you to other friends, but she doesn't have any other guy friends. She still says she loves and misses me, but she just isn't in love with me

[joshdom]

Does anybody have advice on the other issue, aside from the guy? I mean does anybody think that she can stop loving me overnight, and is there any way of convincing her that making a go of it is the best mood. She may not feel like I'm a boyfriend now, but that can change if we worked on it right?

[busterite]

For your own good you need to go strictly NC with her without placing any time limits and without using NC as a strategy to get her back.

get where your coming from but I honestly believe she wouldn't cheat. She is not that type of person, and I am a very good judge of character. I have told her I am willing to do whatever it takes

None of us thought they would ever cheat, if we did we wouldn't have fallen for them at the first place. You need to take some time for yourself away from all this and see things for what they really are. Are you willing to be that back up plan until she finds the next guy that sparks her interest? How long do you want to hold on to the way you are feeling at the moment? Its just not fair for you man. Im sorry if my comments are harsh but I've been in the position and know what is going through your mind.

[Triysle]

As far as falling asleep and waking up without the person beside you, that is something I can really feel your pain with. However, you are talking right now like you have some kind of hope. It shouldn't matter to you what she does with this other guy. If you are still healing you need to stay out of her business. All you are doing is trying to keep tabs on her so you can cope with the situation better. Then what is gonna happen when you really do lose her? You're just setting yourself up for failure here man, and I am right here with you. Read my story, it's long but it's good. Ultimately, realize that you are the most important person in your life, no one else. Be civil if you have to see her face to face, but don't answer her texts or calls until you sort yourself out. If she starts asking why, it's ok to let her know that you need time to heal and will respond on your own time. But leave it at that.

~ Tee

[BlackVY]

In my opinion its her choice.

If she things she is in love with another guy and not with you. That is her choice. If she is fooling herself, then she will realize is later that she was wrong, but by then it will be too late.

You can't wait around for her forever, hoping she will fall back in love with you, or that she will realize her mistake. You need to get on with your life.

So yeah, I think it is her choice, and it could be that she is making a huge mistake, saying she is in love with this other guy, or maybe she is really in love with him, but that's not something you can know right now.

My advice is do what is best for you. Let this girl live her own life and make her own choices, and you live yours and make your own decisions.

[joshdom]

As far as falling asleep and waking up without the person beside you, that is something I can really feel your pain with. However, you are talking right now like you have some kind of hope. It shouldn't matter to you what she does with this other guy. If you are still healing you need to stay out of her business. All you are doing is trying to keep tabs on her so you can cope with the situation better. Then what is gonna happen when you really do lose her? You're just setting yourself up for failure here man, and I am right here with you. Read my story, it's long but it's good. Ultimately, realize that you are the most important person in your life, no one else. Be civil if you have to see her face to face, but don't answer her texts or calls until you sort yourself out. If she starts asking why, it's ok to let her know that you need time to heal and will respond on your own time. But leave it at that.

~ Tee

Thank you. I totally am. I keep checking websites she is on to see if they have had contact wit each other, its as though I want to track how she behaves towards him to see if I still have a shot or not. I keep thinking to myself yes I am suspicious, and yes I still love her, but if nothing happens between them she is single and so am I. I need to get over her but I don't want to. When I met her I had serious issues. I grew up in a domestically violent home, quite a serious one, and when she met me 2 of my brothers had attempted suicide. She helped me so much with that I feel like a can never repay her. I think that's probably the reason I am finding it so hard to let go. I want to be able to do for her what she did for me. I did held her with issues such as self harming etc. but I don't think I can ever repa what she did for me and I will alaways love her for that

[joshdom]

In my opinion its her choice.

If she things she is in love with another guy and not with you. That is her choice. If she is fooling herself, then she will realize is later that she was wrong, but by then it will be too late.

You can't wait around for her forever, hoping she will fall back in love with you, or that she will realize her mistake. You need to get on with your life.

So yeah, I think it is her choice, and it could be that she is making a huge mistake, saying she is in love with this other guy, or maybe she is really in love with him, but thats not something you can know right now.

My advice is do what is best for you. Let this girl live her own life and make her own choices, and you live yours and make your own decisions.

She does not feel for him like that, or at least she says she doesn't, but yes, it is her choice. If she decides she just wants to be friends that is up to her then it is up to me to decide if that is something I want

[liz28]

Believe it or not she didn't stop loving you overnight but just came to terms with it. Mostly likely she been feeling this way for a long time but just had the courage to tell you. Regardless or not if you want to accept it but more than likely it is due to this new guy, sorry friend.

Btw, what female in their right mind becomes friends with someone when they already confess their feelings towards them? And the irony in it all is that I bet you didn't tell you what she did until this guy/friend came into the picture. And you want to tell me your not in denial. Okay!

[joshdom]

Sorry I don't understand the last question. And I told her that if she started talking to him it would disrupt us but she continued saying she should be able t talk to whoever she likes. I agreed, she should, I should not stop her, but she says I got too protective because I always asked 'is that dave' when she got a text, or asking who just text her. She said I became intrusive.

[busterite]

I understand that you really love this girl but at this point in time you need to think of your own well being here. What we are all trying to do is help you prepare for the worst case scenario and armour yourself from anything that can hurt you even more. No one is trying to make up things about her. She might or might not be seeing this guy but the truth of the matter is that at this point in time she doesn't want to be with you and you need to accept that as hard as it may be. Now no one knows what the future holds but for how long do you think you can go on like this?