[Nestorian]

Greetings to those who read, This will be long...

Nestorian here with an issue I thought I would find an answer to of my own accourd, but for the life of me I can not. My family is a very sore spot for me, as it is pretty much a group of starngers to me. Not even sure I can love them any more.

Each member of my family is dealing with any number of issues, or avioding them what ever you figure. I have dealt with all four of them, as best as I could/ can, but I"m running out of energy and i"ve no where to turn, as I'm unemployed, still working through bipolar coping skills. I've pushed every one so far away I don't know if they even exsist and I don't really talk to any of my friends any more.

My Father: Drinks way too much, 24 in a night, and every weekend, and some times weekdays. He can barely afford food, as my sister took him some of our food the other day. I paid $620 of our rent, she paid 155, to make $775. I also bought our groceries, $117. She hasn't got much money because of her job, I'll get back to that later. So, my Dad comes and asked me for 20, I figure OK he needs it till tomorrow, his payday, but he asked me for another 20 when he saw I had 40. It was my emergency money, but I gave it any way. He did pay me back the next day, but that same day he had my sister over "to help move things". That was when my step mom called me to come get my sister, as she was wasted. I was trying to go to a movie with a friend. (On a Happier note, I wasn't entirly dissapointed with the wolverine movie. I thought they did an OK job, and made the story line interesting, as they did change it from the actual story but it was OK. Also, who ever played James' wife, she was pretty cute. And it had some funny parts.)
Any way, lets go back in time too 1999. My father meets a girl, my step mom whom was in an abusive relationship before she met us, and they get to drinking. This was when I was in grade 9. Every weekend, drinking. I learned then to stay in my room so I didn't have to hear the same BS every damn time. I spent most of my time a lone and kept to myself. Then my bipolar kicked in, and things got messed up. I started smoking pot, drinking, and going to parties and joining in the party at my father's. Then around late 2000 I slowed and finally just stopped as I didn't find joy in anything. I stopped talking to people and just issoalted myself, except when the next door people's kids came over to party with my dad, I'd take them away from all that none sense, and play games with them. I really only had my PS2 then. I think that's the only thing I really remember in those years. Watching my father kill himself; or as he says, "It's how I Be myself!", it not my idea of fun. How do I deal with some one who won't give up the booze?
When I was in grade 11, my step sister came to live with us as she was in foster care because her father was not very nice, any way she and I talked with My father and there mother about a year after she'd lived with us. During this talk I was asking my father to stop drinking so often, or to slow down, and so on. She and I ended up moving out that night, and missed school the next day. My mother came and picked us up and took us to my brothers, where we stayed until the week ended. I felt that I had failed, I know I didn't, but nothing I ever do stops me from feeling that I failed them. As, I know you can not help those who do not help themselves, I still don't get why living my own life has to hurt so much, just trying to move on and let it be.
I"m not perfect and I do drink too, which is really stupid on my part as I'm Bipolar, taking 3 different medications, one of which is pretty much a mild form of speed. However, I've studied up on Alcohol and I know, that drinking is managable and doesn't have to be excesive. No more than one drink in an hour, no more than 5 in a night, and never on an empty stomic, or when i'm overly tired, and be mindful of my thoughts, feelings, and actions. Aslong as i keep to this i'm good, i only drink once a week, if that, as i've said i don't get out much. I perfer not to drink any way, but i don't know any one I can stand to be around that doesn't make me feel low because of my Bipolar, or various other reasons. (I"m not very trendy, nor confident.) Any way, I dislike Alcholo a lot, and what it does to people, as well as how it impacts society so negatively. But as most tell me, every one has their choice; my question is, then why do we need LAW and Order?:confused: Kind of foolish to say you are free to choose, when in the end they are imprisoned for making some choices. Perhaps we should stop expressing this "right" we call freedom and start implementing the rationalization of resposibility, then freedom... I don't know I'm just mad at the world to day I guess.

Lets move on to My muther: Up tight, and negative. Opposite my father. Father is party happy free, and mum is serious, pained, imprisoned. She worries about everything, and never lets things go. She is dependable and would do anything to help my brother, sister or me, but then she doesn't let us live it down. She reminds us how much she does for us and it drives us each in saine. I've been rather rude to her and her husbant (step father), and in the moment I just don't care. As soon as she is on the phone or near me, I go into a very cold and aggressive state of being.
Her husband isn't a bad guy, but he and she are very narrow minded. I recall they made a comment on how I was doing things. I was trying to figure out my financial situation for school, and he said something like, "Well your bills should come first..." I siad, "I know." but I also knew if I didn't spend the money on doing something with myself I'd end up as I have. They went off the deep end telling me I'm irresponsible , etc. Paying for self defence classes was not being irresponsible, it was the one thing I did for me, and the only time I really got out and socialized. They disagreed. It's their way or no way, and so I told them, "Only a fool's sure of them self." and walked away. They didn't like that one bit and since then, like a year ago, I avoid them at all costs. If they visit my sis an I, I go on my computer and put my head phones on so I don't have to talk to them. Stubron, and ignorent and narrow minded. I can not stand them, for they seem to think every one should think and act according to their rules, the old days but they are no more. Respect seems more like a memory that's fading.
They never drink, and don't do much any more. Mother has arthritis (I may also have this, as my joints feel like hers do. Or at least what she describes to me.) and can barely move, took a class to better learn to manage it, but she finnished it and never kept up on it. Their financial situation is like that of my fathers, since step father works in the bush and doesn't want to go back to school, so they are low on money and going broke. Mum wants to be closer to us kids, as she lives out of town and we live in town. She feels lonely and lets us know, but we can't handle being around her as it's depressing agrivating and wears us out seeing her suffer so. She just won't let go though.

My brother: He has tried to be the father figure for a long time, when he was in his early teens. Then dad and mom got together then I was born and dad left again for a time. Then he came back, and paid me all kinds of attention where as my for my brother, the closest he got with my dad was beding kicked out of the way of the Hockey game on T.V. My dad just never really showed him what a father is. He has dated like 3 women, and two of them for a very brief period, the last one turned out to be very harmeful to him. The had 3 cute kids, but don't really watch them very well, nor pay them much attention, my brother on his videogames, her on her T.V. Soaps or drunk. They fight they break up, they get drunk, kiss and make up. They borrow money form any where and every where. They lost their Van because they couldn't pay the bill on it. They have two separate places and drag the kids between the two. My brother only seems happy on pay day, then the rest of the time he is a depressing dark broken shell of a man.
I drove for 4 hours around town, in my mums car, looking for my brother. His GF or what ever she is, called in a frantic voice telling me my bro ran off after the bar, they had a fight, and she wanted a ride. I Didn't give her one as she hung up on me and I didn't know where she was. So I waited for her to call back, when she did she asked if I had found my brother. She got a ride home with a friend. I didn't find my brother in town so I drove the half hour out of town to his other place and he wasn't there. I was falling asleep at the wheel so I drove home and went to sleep, at 5 A.M. The next day he asked for a ride, and I said, "I drove all over town last night looking for you till 5A.M. Since you walked then you can walk now..." Haven't talked to them since, but he still askes my sister to give him rides in our mums car. I don't usually use it, because I don't like accepting mother's help. If I can walk, I will, or take the bus.
The reason I drove around town was because the last time my brother went storming off into the night while under the influence, he was found the next morning out of town in the woods by a police dog. Yeah, aparently he had walked the 20minute drive with out shoes, or a jacket in mid fall. So I did what I had to.

This brings me to my sister: Three times she tried to commit suicide. Three times I dropped what I was doing to rush around and frantically find her a ride to the hospital. The first time, I had just broke up with my first GF whom I was with for 4 years, and I took it really badly. I got a call in the middle of the night, I lived in a town 6 hours away from home, and so I had to wake up various other relatives to find out who could pick her up and take her to the hospital. The second time I was in town and lived with some other people, but had no wheels, so I called up a few people and finnally got her a ride to the hospital. The third time, my drunk father was going to let her sleep I said no, so he brought her to the hospital. Then there were the last few times I"d picked her up, she didnt' try to kill herself, but she was wasted.
I was almost beat by some big guy she had called and was going to go home with him, I stood in his way and said no, i'm taking her home, and possibly to the hospital. He became very aggressive, but my friend, she is a great people person, talked him down. There was a point when he made a fist and made like he was going to raise it, I was ready to toss my siser in the snow, as she'd not be able to get out on her own. Then i planed on pulling my friend back, and using her to give my kick an extra bit of power. I knew I could hurt him, but I wasn't so sure I could take him. Then my sister broke my train of thought when she bit me. Didn't draw blood but just about. She did hit me and all kinds of stuf though, that didn't feel so good, as I couldn't do anything but take it and look at her with serious eyes.
Then the BF she got in a Psych ward. I sold my truck to him, as she and he were moving to another porvince and I had just moved from there and my truck wouldn't have made it through the inspection. $1000 was the deal, I got 200, few months later 100, then 6 months later I got a crapy white car and took 200 off for it. He is agrivating, anxious, aggressive, annoying, bipolar (but doesn't seem to try and get better, thinks he is fine.) and he treats my sister like crap.
Then there is my sister's 15 year old daughter. She is depressed, and there are no counselors to talk to right now. She hides her sadness much better than me, but i can tell her sadness is caused by her father's lack of respect for women, and party habbits. Her mother's Alcoholism, and her gramdmothers reminding her how much of a burden thier kids are on them, and that she is too. She lives with her father's mum and is constently rememind that her Gramd mother does this and that for her, and her son blah blah blah. She is very careless, and doesn't really respect any one. I mean any one, her whole generaltion seems that way though. I've never met any one her age that is, and the ones that seem like it, actually hate people even more, it's scarry.

And the list goes on.

I'm talking to a counseler, I can not move, I can not avoid them/this, they do not listen nor care what I have to say (as I am the youngest, no one thinks i understand.). I try to focus on my life, but i keep being pulled in to this sh_t storm of emotional pain, suffering. I don't really have any friends or other family I can stay with, nor really with stand being around. I don't know if i can find it in me to keep this up for much longer with out having a compleate nervous break down.

Any one with any ideas, I would appericiate any "real suggestions" to solving or even helpng me cope with this problem.

Thank you

May peace and kindness be with you...

P.S. Forgive me for the long winded explanation, and how descriptive I was. I'm sure you didn't need to know that much, but at this point I'm too tired to care.

[Nestorian]

I've considered buying my muthers car, as much as I loath the very idea of that, it would give me freedom. But I'm not sure I could afford the inssurance for it. I'm trying to do reading/spelling/writing lessons, but I"m not going very fast, though it's super easy. I haven't been to a gym in over a month now, and it irkes me. I feel rage building up inside, but I can't find a release. I've tried to meditate and i just get bombarded by angery thoughts. I can't sit still i'm anxious all the time.

Bought food, relatively healthy, no pop/chips/candy/chocoalte bars/sugary cereals. I"M working on taking Omega-3 for my joints, and some kind of amino acids for mood stabalizer/boost. Nothing like 5-HTP. I have a lot of fruit like 75% of my diet is fruit.

My father called asking if we were going to move intogether, I said no. My mum found out and talked to my sister about it for about an hour. I just wanted to go to bed and sleep.

I have no idea what it is I must do to survive this situation. It's tearing me apart.

Peace and kindness be with you.

[Gemini54]

Whew! Not sure where to start with this one Nestorian, but I could almost taste your confusion and pain.

What I get from what you've written is that you're bi-polar, drink too much and are the youngest of 3 siblings in a complicated family network where everyone has 'issues'. The family is driving you crazy and you can't deal with it. Is that a fair summary?

From the posts that you've previously written, and that I've read, I'd say that you're a thoughtful person given to philosophizing. I get that you have a level of self understanding.

You must therefore be aware that it's your perception of and reaction to your family that is the issue, not the family themselves. Yes, I'm sure that they ARE crazy, but why do you have to buy into it and feed it? Why do you allow their issues to drive YOU crazy?

It's the old 'my glass is half empty, my glass is half full', trick. It's all in how you perceive it.

I would start by de-constructing your involvement and attention to their issues. The first thing that you should do is not give them as much energy. This will take time, and potentially not being around them too much may be a good start to assist you in this process.

Begin by seeing that they have 'stuff' but it's THEIR stuff not yours. Begin by detaching yourself mentally from it all and attempting to view it from a distance. Begin by training yourself to unplug from the morass of their emotional dysfunction. Their problems are not yours unless you make them so.

There is a reason that you keep being pulled into their manic orbit, and I'm sure you are speaking to your counsellor about this. Keep digging for the reasons, it will be worth it.

I apologize if the last thing that I'm going to say sounds corny, but I think that you could really benefit from meditation. There is a specific meditation technique that I'm talking about called 'mindfulness meditation' which assists the meditator to detach emotionally from their chattering mind and observe their thoughts with detachment. You may like to consider it as it may help you to detach from the thoughts of your family and the pain that you're feeling about them.

Please take care and remember that the really difficult times in our lives are there to make us stronger. Unfortunately we only realise this with the benefit of hindsight, but I can assure you that it's true.

[Jake2008]

I agree with Gemini, Nestorian, some very good points to ponder there.

It is a shame we can't pick our relatives. I've often thought that over my relatives. I won't get into that except to say that many share the characteristics you describe in your relatives.

Boundaries are important. Physically and psychologically. It takes practise to be able to say no, and not beat yourself up with guilt. Consider that you are dealing with adults, and as adults, they are responsible for their own lives. That they choose to involve you with all their problems, says a lot about their character. You need to be strong and realize that the behaviour is not of your making, nor is it going to be you that negotiates changes, or you that is going to smooth the waters, and keep the peace.

Your place is to realize that you have no control over them. You may temporarily solve a situation, only to find yourself with a similar one, over and over. If they were children, they may learn by listening and trying, but they are not children. You are wasting your time trying to change adult behaviour.

In a practical sense you seem so very different from them. You are aware clearly of their behaviour and how it affects you. You have success with harm reduction as far as the alcohol goes, and you are in counselling to help you get everything in better focus and that is the best thing you will ever do for yourself. Don't stop and give into old patterns.

Distancing yourself from them is good, but disconnecting entirely is probably harder on you, than it is on them. Make a point to remember birthdays, anniversaries etc. and keep it light. When you are beginning to get dragged into drama, recognize what is happening, and politely say that you aren't going to get involved, and leave it at that. They are used to you being there to bail them out, so it will take some adjustment and probably anger, but they'll get over it.

Every time you stay strong, not get pulled into that negative vortex, write it down in a diary or notebook of some kind. Keep track of events that you have successfully avoided being involved in, and for ones you cannot avoid, how you handled it. Determination to set a new example of what you will and will not accept from them, will become apparent very quickly.

It is only you that can change you, and how you choose to deal with your family. You are in a position to break the cycle here, and go in a different direction, free from the burdens they place on you, and that you accept from them.

It's all about choice. You are your own person, and who you are, has nothing to do with them. You are not doomed to repeat their history.

I can personally attest to the fact that I've followed my own advice here, and it works. I have a life that is very different from where I came from. There are times that I think back and realize how easy it would have been not to make any changes, but I'm so glad I did. Somedays It feels like we were never related at all.

You are entitled to a live without all the grief of being tied to negative, destructive people and their behaviours, if you so choose.

[liz28]

Wow, I must say that you have a good head on your shoulders.

I have family members that I keep away from and I think some of them have some mental health problems but they are too pride to go and see a professional because they think people would think something is wrong with them. I am like, "what people?"

I have a family member that lives beyond her means. She would take a paycheck and spend it on one shirt then she can't pay her bills and have to borrow money from others.

I have at least 2 drug adcldicts, crack and cocaine, is they drug of choice. Both of them steal and have prosituted to support their habits.

I have drunks, racists, know it all, in my family. You name it I have it. I see them but I ain't close to them.

You can't worry about them nor let them get to you. Some people will never change and some don't want to change. So there is nothing you can do about it. You can only live your life and try not to turn into them.

[Meredith1978]

Move...

My whole family is in New England, I'm in the midwest, no one calls unless its really important. I'm way less stressed and absence makes it so I can see all their good qualities. Now when I go home to visit I can handle the "drama" because I know it is not mine. I can leave...

[Nestorian]

Whew! Not sure where to start with this one Nestorian, but I could almost taste your confusion and pain.

What I get from what you've written is that you're bi-polar, drink too much and are the youngest of 3 siblings in a complicated family network where everyone has 'issues'. The family is driving you crazy and you can't deal with it. Is that a fair summary?

From the posts that you've previously written, and that I've read, I'd say that you're a thoughtful person given to philosophizing. I get that you have a level of self understanding.

You must therefore be aware that it's your perception of and reaction to your family that is the issue, not the family themselves. Yes, I'm sure that they ARE crazy, but why do you have to buy into it and feed it? Why do you allow their issues to drive YOU crazy?

It's the old 'my glass is half empty, my glass is half full', trick. It's all in how you perceive it.

I would start by de-constructing your involvement and attention to their issues. The first thing that you should do is not give them as much energy. This will take time, and potentially not being around them too much may be a good start to assist you in this process.

Begin by seeing that they have 'stuff' but it's THEIR stuff not yours. Begin by detaching yourself mentally from it all and attempting to view it from a distance. Begin by training yourself to unplug from the morass of their emotional dysfunction. Their problems are not yours unless you make them so.

There is a reason that you keep being pulled into their manic orbit, and I'm sure you are speaking to your counsellor about this. Keep digging for the reasons, it will be worth it.

I apologize if the last thing that I'm going to say sounds corny, but I think that you could really benefit from meditation. There is a specific meditation technique that I'm talking about called 'mindfulness meditation' which assists the meditator to detach emotionally from their chattering mind and observe their thoughts with detachment. You may like to consider it as it may help you to detach from the thoughts of your family and the pain that you're feeling about them.

Please take care and remember that the really difficult times in our lives are there to make us stronger. Unfortunately we only realise this with the benefit of hindsight, but I can assure you that it's true.

I know how you feel, not knowing where to start...

Yes I'm still just learning to cope with bipolar, and I've just gotten onto a cocktail of meds that seems to keep me on a regular balance.

As for the Drinking, yes, I should not drink at all. As it greatly affects my meds, unless my liver can deal with it first, but still best not to risk it. I've done great deals of research into Alcohol and how the body is affected. As it seems to be my family "kryptonite", Alcohol. I asure you I do pay very close attention to my drinking rate and as many other factors as possible. I don't like to get smashed as it's not fun in my opinion.

Any who, Yes I am "...the youngest of 3 siblings in a complicated family network where everyone has 'issues'."-You And yes, that is a fair assessment.

"...thoughtful person given to philosophizing. I get that you have a level of self understanding."-You. I s'pose I can be, but I feel that I've much much more to learn before I will truly appreciate it. Then again, "The less we know, the more we learn."- Unknown (I"m sure I got htat from some place, but i just put it all together like that off the top of my head, so I'm not sure if I made it up, or if some one else said it.)

Indeed my perception is obscured and I am aware that my thoughts, feelings, and actions are my own and only I am responsible for them; however, when one is conditioned for the first 23 years of their life to believe acceptable Behaviours (thinking/Feeling/actions) as pertaining to one way of thinking, then the individual becomes "Hardwired" to preceive, and interpret all stimuli based upon this conditioned way of thinking. I've only recently began to understand this. I don't know many who would even bother try to understand this, let alone how it could be used. I believe I need to unlearn the way of thinking I've been conditioned to learn. This will weaken the "hardwired" connections and allow me to "rewire" my brian for positive, or more to my understanding being still and present in life. I've several books on the matter, and I recently bought a book called "Calming your anxious mind, Second edition: How mindfulness & compassion can free you from anxiety, fear & panic By Jerrery Brantley, M.D. It goes through a step by step process (or as close as you can get.) about mindfulness, being still, being present of mind/mindful, some scientific explanation about how fear, anxiety, and panic affect people, etc. I hope it helps, but I'm too bussy to read it every day, and I'm a pretty slow reader, but "slow and steady wins the race."- Unknown.

Ah yes, The old half glass. So, is it good if your glass is half full of (something gross. Like caster oil, cod liver oil, or buckleys.) No thanks, I'll pick half empty in those cases.;) Then again, if I just drink it, then it's empty of water, but full of air. Eh? Yes, I've got those ideas form other people acctually. But I like their thinking. I do get what you mean though. It's up to me to allow their issues, and any others, to get me down.

Like in Frank Hurberts Dune, Muad 'dib says, "I will let the fear pass through me, and only I will remain." (The son of the head of the house of Atraidies. I"m not sure if any of that is spelled right, and i'm sure i messed up on the quote but It's pretty close.)

I believe the reason I am tied so closely to their issues is because I am still trying to be perfect, and I feel like I'm alone all the time. I never feel like I belong, unless i'm one on one with a person. Then I become very at easy and relaxed, usually. Some people are just hard to deal with. Any way I feel that if they are not going to get better then I will not have a family; thus I'll be alone or feel like I am and if I need suport, as I kinda do what with Bipolar and all, there is none there for me. In stead i find I"m being called upon to save a life, or foot the cash for some one's groceries, or pay for some one's needs when my own are not stable enough for me to do so. Pretty much my sister makes $400-$700 amonth at her new job, as she is on call and new, and I have to use the money I would used to pursue other avenues of theropy for my bipolar such as Researching it, via Books I buy, buying a pass to a gym, buying healthier food (not cheep for me as I eat lots.), but I'm usually paying for a cab for my sister to get home, or gas I use to go out looking for my brother, or refusing to use my mother's car she lent us because she stresses me for it, and then lending my father money for his groceries as his pay check doesn't cover "everything". What type of family would I be if I abandone them, again, when they took me back and gave me help when I needed it? I just don't know where to draw the line, or if there is one this time. Honour the family code, or Honour Thy self... :confused: There is no real proof I won't need them in the next little bit any way, ecconomic issues are making life hard on every one, not just me.

Haha, you don't have to worry about being corny with me, as I'm the corniest person I've ever met!:p Heck, I actually believe in Jedism/Jedi-ism. Yes, I truly do; however, Jedism isn't what you may think. It's not about moving things with your mind, though that would be cool, nor is it about intersteller space travel with lazers and light sabers. No, indeed it is not. It is about the same thing as, Christinaity, Buddhism, Modern LAW/justice, Spirituallity, And even scientific explorations of life (AKA: A branch of Philosophy tried and tested in well organized experiments.). See for me, All religions are one, and the same, just different words, and views to the same situation. GOD/s, THe force, The source, Spirituality, etc are all the same essencailly. Like I say, "Wisdom is everywhere, we need only listen."- Nestorian Also, "There are many things I do not understand, but it seems there are many things that don't understand me, Thus rationality is as fleeting as the thoughts that make it so..."-Nestroian (I"m not so sure I like, "rationality" but until I think on the phrase more I will leave it as is.)

Yes, I agree, make mistakes and learn.

Thanks, I will give your suggestions and information a very deep and thoughtful consideration.

May peace and kindness be with you.

[Nestorian]

To every one, I will finnish reading the rest in a bit, I have a very busy next few days. I've been asked to go to a Adult Teacher/student conference to represent my area. I have to take notes and present my story, and add suggestions, as well as help assess what works and what doesn't work for adult Education. SO I may not be around for some time. But as soon as I'm done I'll be back.

Thanks every one for replying, I've been feeling like there is no way out.

May Peace and kindness be with you.

[IWHO]

I believe the reason I am tied so closely to their issues is because I am still trying to be perfect, and I feel like I'm alone all the time. I never feel like I belong, unless i'm one on one with a person. Then I become very at easy and relaxed, usually. Some people are just hard to deal with. Any way I feel that if they are not going to get better then I will not have a family; thus I'll be alone or feel like I am and if I need suport, as I kinda do what with Bipolar and all, there is none there for me. In stead i find I"m being called upon to save a life, or foot the cash for some one's groceries, or pay for some one's needs......when my own are not stable enough for me to do so. ..... but I'm usually paying for a cab for my sister to get home, or gas I use to go out looking for my brother, or refusing to use my mother's car she lent us because she stresses me for it, and then lending my father money for his groceries as his pay check doesn't cover "everything". What type of family would i be if I abandone them, again, when they took me back and gave me help when I needed it? I just don't know where to draw the line, or if there is one this time. Honour the family code, or Honour Thy self...:confused: There is no real proof I wont need them in the next little bit any way, ecconomic issues are making life hard on every one, not just me.

Ok, first of all let me say you guys are WAY more intelligent than I am... I can't even come up with the things you say, but I do understand them... well, most of them... but here's what I see... and you probably already know it and said it somewhere up there and I missed it but here goes... 1. I think it is BECAUSE of your family and their problems that you feel alone... you surround yourself with people who are beyond help, who cannot change, and you beat yourself up because you can't "fix" them... so you wrap yourself in this guilt and shut out the rest of the world... 2. You think you need to "fix" your family in case you need them... honey... YOU would have such a MUCH better life if you LEFT the world that they live in... I don't think that you will ever be happy if you don't strip yourself of them and their problems... you allow yourself to be drawn into their lives because of a need you have to be fulfilled in your OWN life... we ALL want to feel needed and loved... but your are trying to squeeze blood from a turnip... sorry, only way I could phrase that... I know you can't move... but you CAN not answer the phone, hide your money when Dad can't make ends meet because he DRANK all HIS money... and from what I read, some times you tried to help, the situation got handled anyway... brother found a way home... sis had the boyfriend almost kick your ____... she even bit you!. you need to slap yourself awake and say "What the heck am I doing to MYSELF? " If you strip yourself from these problems, then you may be able to work on your own... take care of YOURSELF! These people are NEVER going to be in a position to help you... you did make ONE mention that they "took you back in" but I didn't catch what that was all about... but I think you have MORE than paid that one back... slap yourself on the back of your head right now and say "That's from IWHO!"... QUIT PUNISHING YOURSELF!. let me do that... hee hee... :D

[IWHO]

Nestorian... one more thing... I am presently in a situation like you... a brief history, well maybe not so brief... I left a very long and lonely marriage a year-1/2 ago, and fell right back into a similar and WORSE situation... I will call him Con-Man... this "Man" has "stuff", like Gemini said... he came into my life and was able to use my insecurities and loneliness to his advantage... I thought I loved him... and I DO care for him, but I think it is more pity now than anything... he tore my world apart... taking me on a roller coaster ride that almost drove me over the edge... I found myself crying constantly and screaming at the top of my lungs to someone who was deaf to EVERY THING I SAID! This Con-Man sees things his own way, and no matter what the truth is, he can't see it... after using me until I was financially ruined, and emotionally broken, I caught him lying to me once again... he was the teller of 1/2-truths... he had a way of talking "over" you so you couldn't even hear yourself think... he manipulated me into thinking that there was something emotionally wrong with me... ( we ALL have our emotional issues, but that is a diff story)... he was and still is, mostly, an emotional abuser... I, like you, was always having to pick up the pieces of his life... he CONSUMED me, even at work, I couldn't get anything done for his constant e-mails and phone calls... he would be sweet as candy and in an INSTANT, hateful and hurtful saying things that made me cower down to him... 4 weeks ago, I caught him lying to me once again after I was trying to help him out with his problems, and this time I broke... I KNEW he would NEVER change and so I fell into a deep depression and retreated to my bedroom (btw, this is MY house)... he came into my room and began to argue with me and try to convince me that it was my insane, passive-aggressive whatch-a-ma-call-it behavior once again... I remained calm and said I just didn't care anymore... well, that infuriated him... he had lost control of me... <<did you catch that last part? HE HAD LOST CONTROL OF ME!! He left my room and returned a few hours laters... he was enraged... he had a 2x3 dry erase board that he had written F___Y__ on and whirled it at me, hitting the wall just above my head... I remained calm, shaking in my boots, though... The next day I came home early and packed some clothes and left... he didn't know I was leaving town... he didn't see me... I ran to a place where I thought I could find peace, but peace was not to be found there... (you know why, right?).. completely broken and out of my mind, I drove back, crying for the first 4 hours of the trip like someone I loved dearly had just passed away... I guess that was me, wasn't it?. by the time I approached home 2 more hours later, I was different. I wanted my life back. I went to my room and stayed there... in the evenings, and all weekend... avoiding him at all costs... then I found this website... and I asked a question... though the answers I was given conflicted themselves a little, I gained enough knowledge to know what to ask... I found myself in the right place at the right time asking the right people the right questions and got answers to my dilema... my question was about where this "Man" could go live who had no money and no place to go... here I was again trying to protect him... but as time progressed and I got answers, and he remained the same, saying hurtful things, avoiding me, trying to manilipulate me, I found the strength to act... I handed him a note demanding that he move out OF MY HOUSE!. Though it hurt me to do that, I actually did it one night after he had tried to manipulate me once again, and this time I saw straight through him, and was angry AT HIM for a change... angry that he had abused probably the best thing in his life to ever come around... ME!. He made it easy... he is now making arrangements to move, still trying to manipulate me into helping him financially, still trying to use me emotionally, but I stay in my room, and on this laptop, giving out advice to people like you... lol... And I now see him in a completely diff light... I am counting down the days until he leaves... I know that the day he leaves I will cry like a baby... partly because I couldn't "fix" him... << did you catch that last part? I COULDN'T FIX HIM!. I will cry too partly because I feel so sorry for him... what he must have gone through in his lifetime to become this way... I will cry partly for me, because of what I have lost both financially, and emotionally, as well as all the time and effort I spent on this guy for nothing... and I will cry partly because though I am ALONE <<<<<CATCH THAT? Though I am alone once again, I got my life back... I can now try once again, being a heck of a lot smarter, to find happines FOR ME<<<<<FOR ME<<<<<FOR ME<<<<< Nestorian... you can't save the world, baby... You and I are not here to save people... I don't know what our function on earth is but I know that we are not here to allow ourselves to be used until we are used up... A bit of good news... recently, during all this turmoil, a GOOD man entered my life... I have found happiness... and I know if you let yourself, you will too...
I am IWHO, and I approve of this message...

[Nestorian]

Ok, first of all let me say you guys are WAY more intelligent than I am....I can't even come up with the things you say, but I do understand them....well, most of them.....but here's what I see....and you probably already know it and said it somewhere up there and I missed it but here goes.......1. I think it is BECAUSE of your family and their problems that you feel alone....you surround yourself with people who are beyond help, who cannot change, and you beat yourself up because you can't "fix" them....so you wrap yourself in this guilt and shut out the rest of the world.....2. You think you need to "fix" your family in case you need them.....honey.....YOU would have such a MUCH better life if you LEFT the world that they live in.....I don't think that you will ever be happy if you don't strip yourself of them and their problems.....you allow yourself to be drawn into their lives because of a need you have to be fulfilled in your OWN life....we ALL want to feel needed and loved....but your are trying to squeeze blood from a turnip....sorry, only way I could phrase that......I know you can't move.....but you CAN not answer the phone, hide your money when Dad can't make ends meet because he DRANK all HIS money.....and from what I read, some times you tried to help, the situation got handled anyway.....brother found a way home.....sis had the bf almost kick your ____....she even bit you!.....you need to slap yourself awake and say "What the heck am I doing to MYSELF? " If you strip yourself from these problems, then you may be able to work on your own.....take care of YOURSELF! These people are NEVER going to be in a position to help you.....you did make ONE mention that they "took you back in" but I didn't catch what that was all about.....but I think you have MORE than paid that one back.....slap yourself on the back of your head right now and say "That's from IWHO!"...QUIT PUNISHING YOURSELF! .......let me do that....hee hee.....:D

"That's from IWHO!"... QUIT PUNISHING YOURSELF!. let me do that... hee hee... :D"- you

Um... Bow Chicka Bow Wow? Liz knows what I mean. ;)

"... you guys are WAY more intelligent than I am... "-You
You may consider not comparing yourself to others, as you under estimate the power of your own wisdom. Be mindful of your wisdom, because if your not no one else will. Eh...?

"1. I think it is BECAUSE of your family and their problems that you feel alone... you surround yourself with people who are beyond help, who cannot change, and you beat yourself up because you can't "fix" them... so you wrap yourself in this guilt and shut out the rest of the world... "- you

True. I do feel that I do not belong, any where.

"2. You think you need to "fix" your family in case you need them... honey... YOU would have such a MUCH better life if you LEFT the world that they live in... I don't think that you will ever be happy if you don't strip yourself of them and their problems... you allow yourself to be drawn into their lives because of a need you have to be fulfilled in your OWN life... we ALL want to feel needed and loved... "-You

True too, but I can not leave as my sister and I live together, and even though she can't pay her share entirely, some is better than none, especially since it's hard to find a new place that i can afford where I live. I come home, and find my sister drunk with her BF and that just stresses me out knowing about it. I try talking to her but she agrees then goes and gets drunk then she forgets everything we talked about. I'm not sure what to do, other than the late night walks I go on to try and calm my self, how can i strip myself of them? I haven't given up, but Im wearing thin... I try to let it go, but living in todays fast paced/competative ecconomy is like swimming in a big fast river. You either sink or swim.

Hmmm, leaving others to find their own way... This may sound cold, but I have come up with an idea. That is, I will help people in the only way i think will help. The cold hard truth. Leave them to help them selves, and direct them to programs that will help them. I s'pose if I become a social worker that will pretty much be my job.

I know what i'm doing, repaying a debt, as my mother reminds me so much she did for us kids, and so on. I feel guilty; yet I've told her repeatedly, as cold as this sounds, "Mother those were your choices, and I am grateful, but I can not live my life for you. You choose your life, now you must learn to live with it."

Yes, they took me in after I left town and stopped talking to them for like 2 years. Those years were very hard for me. Then when my ex decided to be with another man I was done, at the end of my already short rope. My mother came and bought me groceries once, then my mum and sis came and drove up to help pack my stuff up to bring it back. I needed them and they were there. They couldn't offer much, but it was all I needed.

I just don't know. I think, I'll have to figure this one out as it comes. Thanks for listening, replying, and I'll read or other response ASAP.

May peace and kindness be with you.

[artlady]

The old expression *you might not be able to change the world but you can change your little corner of it* always rang true to me.

I think that has to be your mission.Changing your little corner of the world.
Sometimes we just have to function on a level of self preservation.
How do you distance yourself from the people you love without feeling guilty?
You do it by realizing that doing nothing is enabling and by actively distancing yourself,you are creating a foundation for them to get well.

If you said* I can no longer watch you do (insert behavior)and ruin your life as it is too painful for me ,so please be aware that if we are to have a relationship,it has to be on healthy terms*.

How do you think they would respond? It might be a wake up call.You could call Dad before you see him to make sure he is sober,Let him know in the future ,you just don't want to be around him if he is drunk.His choice.

You appear very kind and deep and I have faith that you will find your way.You have to put YOU first.

Sometimes you can find a room very cheap.Keep looking.Don't stop working toward total independence.That is your best hope.

Peace and kindness be with you as well.

[IWHO]

Ok, Nestorian, I get the picture... your family is not perfect, but you aren't ready to abandon them, after all they are family... so how to deal with them...
1. Artlady had a good idea about Dad... if you have to go over to his house, call first and say "Ummm Dad, have you been drinking, 'cause if you have, then I'm not coming over....I can't stand to see you do this to yourself....Call me back when you haven't been drinking and I will come over..and btw, Dad, please don't come over here if you have been drinking....it tears me up....Thanks Dad"... or something like that... be polite...
2. Sis- "Sis, you know I can't stand to see your drink, so would you please not do it at home?...maybe you could do it at "bf's" house....If I come home and you and him are drinking here, I will pour "it" down the sink...and if bf tries to stop me or hurt me in any way, I will call the police....I care about you and can't stand to see you do this to yourself....ok?"
3. Mom- geeeze your Mom sounds like mine and right now we aren't talking so what advice would I give myself... hmmmm... ok... "Mom, I really don't want to talk about should'a would'a could'a , let's talk about something that has happened lately that has been good.....read any good books lately?, seen any good movies lately?, hey, why don't we go see a movie together?....I heard blah blah was good...." or something like that... talk about her hobbies, or your hobbies, COMPLEMENT HER! That ALWAYS gets people off the bad and on to another subject and lifts their spirits which would lift yours...
4. Brother- you haven't said much about him lately... but I think asking him about something good that has happened in his life would start a good conversation.

I think you have a BEARY good idea " will help people in the only way i think will help. The cold hard truth. Leave them to help them selves, and direct them to programs that will help them."

Set boundaries for the people who want you in their life... Dad can't drink around you, Sis can't drink or be drunk around you, Mom can't talk about negative things, and Brother..?. you have rights too... let THEM know it and what they are... you may be surprised... they may actually follow some of them... and if they don't, leave Dad's if he has been drinking or starts drinking, pour the booze down the sink and if a fight erupts, call the cops, have boyfriend arrested, if Mom starts her whining, leave the house or the room or whatever... and Brother..?. if you treat YOURSELF with more respect... you might find that your family does too...

I am IWHO and I approve of this message...

P.S. What does Liz know that I don't know... share...

[Nestorian]

Nestorian....one more thing....I am presently in a situation like you....a brief history, well maybe not so brief.....I left a very long and lonely marriage a year-1/2 ago, and fell right back into a similar and WORSE situation....I will call him Con-Man...this "Man" has "stuff", like Gemini said...he came into my life and was able to use my insecurities and loneliness to his advantage....I thought I loved him...and I DO care for him, but I think it is more pity now than anything....he tore my world apart...taking me on a roller coaster ride that almost drove me over the edge....I found myself crying constantly and screaming at the top of my lungs to someone who was deaf to EVERY THING I SAID! This Con-Man sees things his own way, and no matter what the truth is, he can't see it....after using me until I was financially ruined, and emotionally broken, I caught him lying to me once again....he was the teller of 1/2-truths.....he had a way of talking "over" you so you couldn't even hear yourself think....he manipulated me into thinking that there was something emotionally wrong with me...( we ALL have our emotional issues, but that is a diff story)....he was and still is, mostly, an emotional abuser.....I, like you, was always having to pick up the pieces of his life....he CONSUMED me, even at work, I couldn't get anything done for his constant e-mails and phone calls....he would be sweet as candy and in an INSTANT, hateful and hurtful saying things that made me cower down to him.....4 weeks ago, I caught him lying to me once again after I was trying to help him out with his problems, and this time I broke.....I KNEW he would NEVER change and so I fell into a deep depression and retreated to my bedroom (btw, this is MY house).....he came into my room and began to argue with me and try to convince me that it was my insane, passive-aggressive whatch-a-ma-call-it behavior once again......I remained calm and said I just didnt care anymore.....well, that infuriated him.....he had lost control of me....<<did you catch that last part? HE HAD LOST CONTROL OF ME!!!! He left my room and returned a few hours laters...he was enraged...he had a 2x3 dry erase board that he had written F___Y__ on and whirled it at me, hitting the wall just above my head.....I remained calm, shaking in my boots, though.....The next day I came home early and packed some clothes and left...he didn't know I was leaving town....he didnt' see me.....I ran to a place where I thought I could find peace, but peace was not to be found there...(you know why, right?)..completely broken and out of my mind, I drove back, crying for the first 4 hours of the trip like someone I loved dearly had just passed away....I guess that was me, wasn't it?......by the time I approached home 2 more hours later, I was different. I wanted my life back. I went to my room and stayed there....in the evenings, and all weekend.....avoiding him at all costs.....then I found this website.....and I asked a question....though the answers I was given conflicted themselves a little, I gained enough knowledge to know what to ask....I found myself in the right place at the right time asking the right people the right questions and got answers to my dilema....my question was about where this "Man" could go live who had no money and no place to go.....here I was again trying to protect him.....but as time progressed and I got answers, and he remained the same, saying hurtful things, avoiding me, trying to manilipulate me, I found the strength to act.....I handed him a note demanding that he move out OF MY HOUSE!....Though it hurt me to do that, I actually did it one night after he had tried to manipulate me once again, and this time I saw straight through him, and was angry AT HIM for a change....angry that he had abused probably the best thing in his life to ever come around......ME!....He made it easy.....he is now making arrangements to move, still trying to manipulate me into helping him financially, still trying to use me emotionally, but I stay in my room, and on this laptop, giving out advice to people like you.....lol....And I now see him in a completely diff light......I am counting down the days until he leaves....I know that the day he leaves I will cry like a baby.....partly because I couldn't "fix" him....<< did you catch that last part? I COULDN'T FIX HIM!!!!! ...I will cry too partly because I feel so sorry for him...what he must have gone through in his lifetime to become this way.....I will cry partly for me, because of what I have lost both financially, and emotionally, as well as all the time and effort I spent on this guy for nothing......and I will cry partly because though I am ALONE <<<<<CATCH THAT? though I am alone once again, I got my life back....I can now try once again, being a heck of a lot smarter, to find happines FOR ME<<<<<FOR ME<<<<<FOR ME<<<<< Nestorian....you can't save the world, baby....You and I are not here to save people.....I don't know what our function on earth is but I know that we are not here to allow ourselves to be used until we are used up.....A bit of good news......recently, during all this turmoil, a GOOD man entered my life.......I have found happiness......and I know if you let yourself, you will too.....
I am IWHO, and I approve of this message......

I'm sorry for your suffering. I feel for you, I really do. Some advice to you; find yourself, forgive yourself, love yourself, know yourself and be yourself.

Cuation with new men while you are still finding yourself. You seem to be in pain still, and that may cloud your judgement in pursuing a relationship. First off, you are hurt and seek to relieve that pain, second if you start to "fall" for the new guy your natural responses in your brain, will cause small warnings you may notice normally to seem unimportant. The dopamine is released in the brain in the septal (not sure if that's spelled right.) region of the limbic system, or the appetitive pleasure sistem, and you feel euphoric around the new guy thus making it hard to feel pain, or more to the point displeasure. This is why, as I theorise, people get into relationships that are unhealthy to begin with, they crave the euphoria, as Love is an addition no less dangerous than Cocaine. Even Freud wrote to his wife, Margret I believe her name was, how the effects of Cocaine were like or the same as that of love.

I'm not saying that you will be in a bad relationship with this new guy, I'm just advising caution, that's all. I really do hope he is a good guy, and treats you like the wonderful person you are. I am grateful for every one's help on here, I know what It is I must do. Unfortuantely, I never was good at waiting. So, rather than wait, I shall prepare myself for what ever comes my way, mindfulness/mediataion/practice/consentration.

Thank you all for your Kindness, and Compassion. It seems I need to focus more. Once again thank you all.

Artlady, I will continue to search for a place to live.

May peace and kindness be with us all...

[IWHO]

I'm sorry for your suffering. I feel for you, I really do. Some advice to you; find yourself, forgive yourself, love yourself, know yourself and be yourself.

Cuation with new men while you are still finding yourself. You seem to be in pain still, and that may cloud your judgement in persuing a relationship. First off, you are hurt and seek to releive that pain, second if you start to "fall" for the new guy your natural responses in your brain, will cause small warnings you may notice normally to seem unimportant. The dopamine is released in the brain in the septal (not sure if that's spelled right.) region of the limbic system, or the appetitive pleasure sistem, and you feel euphoric around the new guy thus making it hard to feel pain, or more to the point displeasure. This is why, as I theorise, people get into relationships that are unhealthy to begin with, they crave the euphoria, as Love is an addition no less dangerous than Cocaine. Even Freud wrote to his wife, Margret i believe her name was, how the effects of Cocaine were like or the same as that of love.

I'm not saying that you will be in a bad relationship with this new guy, I'm just advising caution, thats all. I really do hope he is a good guy, and treats you like the wonderful person you are. ...

See what I mean about the "smart" thing I mentioned before.. You are not only beary wise, and insightful, you "know" things... lol...

I will take your advice to heart... and I will be more careful in the future... but, boy, that euphoric feeling... mmmmmmm... lol... ;)

[IWHO]

You take care too Nestorian, and keep in touch... I feel like I know you and your family... and I want to know how the story progresses... like a book, ya' know?. and I am STILL curious about what Liz knows that I don't know... ;-)

[Gemini54]

I know how you feel, not knowing where to start...

Yes I'm still just learning to cope with bipolar, and I've just gotten onto a cocktail of meds that seems to keep me on a regular balance.

As for the Drinking, yes, i should not drink at all. As it greatly affects my meds, unless my liver can deal with it first, but still best not to risk it. I've done great deals of reasearch into Alcohol and how the body is affected. As it seems to be my family "kryptonite", Alcohol. I asure you I do pay very close attention to my drinking rate and as many other factors as possible. I don't like to get smashed as it's not fun in my opinion.

Any who, Yes I am "...the youngest of 3 siblings in a complicated family network where everyone has 'issues'."-You And yes, that is a fair assessment.

"...thoughtful person given to philosophizing. I get that you have a level of self understanding."-You. I s'pose I can be, but I feel that I've much much more to learn before i will truely appreciate it. Then again, "The less we know, the more we learn."- Unknown (I"m sure I got htat from some place, but i just put it all together like that off the top of my head, so I'm not sure if I made it up, or if some one else said it.)

Indeed my perception is obscured and I am aware that my thoughts, feelings, and actions are my own and only I am responsible for them; however, when one is conditioned for the first 23 years of their life to believe acceptable Behaviours (thinking/Feeling/actions) as pertaining to one way of thinking, then the individual becomes "Hardwired" to preceive, and interpret all stimuli based upon this conditioned way of thinking. I've only recently began to understand this. I don't know many who would even bother try to understand this, let alone how it could be used. I believe I need to unlearn the way of thinking I've been conditioned to learn. This will weaken the "hardwired" connections and allow me to "rewire" my brian for positive, or more to my understanding being still and present in life. I've several books on the matter, and I recently bought a book called "Calming your anxious mind, Second edition: How mindfulness & compassion can free you from anxiety, fear & panic By Jerrery Brantley, M.D. It goes through a step by step process (or as close as you can get.) about mindfulness, being still, being present of mind/mindful, some scientific explanation about how fear, anxiety, and panic affect people, etc. I hope it helps, but I'm too bussy to read it every day, and I'm a pretty slow reader, but "slow and steady wins the race."- Unknown.

Ah yes, The old half glass. So, is it good if your glass is half full of (something gross. Like caster oil, cod liver oil, or buckleys.) No thanks, i'll pick half empty in those cases.;) Then again, if I just drink it, then it's empty of water, but full of air. Eh? Yes, i've got those ideas form other people acctually. But I like thier thinking. I do get what you mean though. It's up to me to allow their issues, and any others, to get me down.

Like in Frank Hurberts Dune, Muad 'dib says, "I will let the fear pass through me, and only I will remain." (The son of the head of the house of Atraidies. I"m not sure if any of that is spelled right, and i'm sure i messed up on the quote but It's pretty close.)

I believe the reason I am tied so closely to their issues is because I am still trying to be perfect, and I feel like I'm alone all the time. I never feel like I belong, unless i'm one on one with a person. Then I become very at easy and relaxed, usually. Some people are just hard to deal with. Any way I feel that if they are not going to get better then I will not have a family; thus I'll be alone or feel like I am and if I need suport, as I kinda do what with Bipolar and all, there is none there for me. In stead i find I"m being called upon to save a life, or foot the cash for some one's groceries, or pay for some one's needs when my own are not stable enough for me to do so. Pretty much my sister makes $400-$700 amonth at her new job, as she is on call and new, and I have to use the money I would used to persue other avenues of theropy for my bipolar such as Researching it, via Books I buy, buying a pass to a gym, buying healthier food (not cheep for me as I eat lots.), but I'm usually paying for a cab for my sister to get home, or gas I use to go out looking for my brother, or refusing to use my mother's car she lent us because she stresses me for it, and then lending my father money for his groceries as his pay check doesn't cover "everything". What type of family would i be if I abandone them, again, when they took me back and gave me help when I needed it? I just don't know where to draw the line, or if there is one this time. Honour the family code, or Honour Thy self...:confused: There is no real proof I wont need them in the next little bit any way, ecconomic issues are making life hard on every one, not just me.

Haha, you don't have to worry about being corny with me, as I'm the corniest person i've ever met!:p Heck, i actually belive in Jedism/Jedi-ism. Yes, I truely do; however, Jedism isn't what you may think. It's not about moving things with your mind, though that would be cool, nor is it about intersteller space travel with lazers and light sabers. No, indeed it is not. It is about the same thing as, Christinaity, Buddhism, Modern LAW/justice, Spirituallity, And even scientific explorations of life (AKA: A branch of Philosophy tried and tested in well organized experiments.). See for me, All religions are one, and the same, just different words, and views to the same situation. GOD/s, THe force, The source, Spirituality, etc are all the same essencailly. Like I say, "Wisdom is everywhere, we need only listen."- Nestorian Also, "There are many things I do not understand, but it seems there are many things that don't understand me, Thus rationality is as fleeting as the thoughts that make it so..."-Nestroian (I"m not so sure I like, "rationality" but until I think on hte phrase more I will leave it as is.)

Yes, I agree, make mistakes and learn.

Thanks, I will give your suggestions and information a very deep and thoughtful consideration.

May peace and kindness be with you.

Nestorian, I really appreciate your comments about Jedi-ism.

(And I agree, the more we know, the more we know that we don't KNOW. It's humbling.)

Obviously George Lucas, the writer of Star Wars conceived his ideas from Eastern spiritual disciplines where the idea of moving things with ones mind is not so far fetched! The force is really just an energy that we all have within us, and which we call call forth at will, when we learn how. The analogy applies to martial arts disciplines which we can apply to our daily lives and you to your personal situation... but you already know this.

Regarding your question, I think that the posters have provided some compassionate and practical advice...

Learn detachment from the drama that your family creates, and understand how they hook you into it. This is an ongoing process.

Set boundaries - for yourself - and, most importantly, for them. They will rebel initially, but it will be best for all in the end.

Create independence and self-reliance, in the way that you live and think. Physical distance, as ArtLady has said, is probably essential if you want to get your head straight.

Try and have some fun and have a laugh - things are rarely as serious or dreadful as we think. Don't overthink things... that will do your head in!

[Nestorian]

Nestorian, I really appreciate your comments about Jedi-ism.

(And I agree, the more we know, the more we know that we don't KNOW. It's humbling.)

Obviously George Lucas, the writer of Star Wars conceived his ideas from Eastern spiritual disciplines where the idea of moving things with ones mind is not so far fetched! The force is really just an energy that we all have within us, and which we call call forth at will, when we learn how. The analogy applies to martial arts disciplines which we can apply to our daily lives and you to your personal situation .... but you already know this.

Regarding your question, I think that the posters have provided some compassionate and practical advice...

Learn detachment from the drama that your family creates, and understand how they hook you into it. This is an ongoing process.

Set boundaries - for your self - and, most importantly, for them. They will rebel initially, but it will be best for all in the end.

Create independence and self-reliance, in the way that you live and think. Physical distance, as ArtLady has said, is probably essential if you want to get your head straight.

Try and have some fun and have a laugh - things are rarely as serious or dreadful as we think. Don't overthink things.... that will do your head in!

Indeed you seem to understand what I think and mean by Jedism. First so far, I'm quite impressed.

See beyound the words to the true wisdom that is the meaning of the lesson or teaching. That is partly what I mean by, "wisdom is every where, we need only listen."-Nestorian.

I do need to learn detatchment, so as to realise that I am. I still tend to be sucked into the foolish ideals and ways of thinking that objects are more then they are worth and being with some one special is more than it is. I know better, now I need only listen. (by that I mean be Present of mind, aware of life, mindful of more than just myself, because I loose my connection to what I really am when I'm not.)

I agree, there is good advise here and I'll use it the best I can.

Thank you all again.

May peace and kindness be with us.