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BigUps · May 25, 2009, 06:04 AM

I broke no contact tonight after a month. Yes, I'm pretty weak :(

I called her and we had a casual chat, just caught up with how each other are going.

I didn't sound needy or desperate to her or try to get back with her. I did ask if we could catch up for a coffee, and she said yes, but not yet... maybe in a couple of months. That hurt.

I've just been feeling very lonely lately, even after a month of no contact and going out with friends a lot etc. I've got almost everything else in my life in order now (each factor was in a pretty bad state before the breakup)... good job, new apartment, starting to study again part time, still going to the gym regularly and no weed since the breakup. None of this is helping with the loneliness though.

Maybe I'm still in the "depression" stage. It's still impossible to think that I'll find anyone I like half as much as I liked her. I go out and just don't feel interested in any other girls.

Thanks for listening to me rant and sorry for the bump for this old post.

busterite · Jun 7, 2009, 09:06 AM

Keep on moving ahead and keep doing what you have been doing so far and stay NC. Seeing her will only make things worse for you and take you back to square one, hurt and confused. With time things will change

talaniman · Jun 7, 2009, 10:24 AM

I go out and just don't feel interested in any other girls.

I had this problem once, and what I did was just see them as people, and not try to impress them for romantic interests.

It was easy, as instead of dinner date, we went as a group to the bowling alley, not as a date, but people having fun.

Groups, as opposed to individuals. ( love beach volley ball by the way )

Once I started to have fun, I really moved forward. Hope this helps.

bizygurl · Jun 7, 2009, 10:36 AM

First kuddos on getting your life in order and doing well for yourself. Well now that you know a little more truth about what led up to her breaking up with you sounds like it changes a lot of things as far as getting her to come back.

Its true you may change your mind and feel differently about telling her to f*** off. But just remember she broke up with you AND cheated. How could you trust her again? Not only with cheating but the fact that when the "going got rough' she up and left. Concentrate on your life. Sounds like your doing a really good job so far, don't let her be the first thought in your mind because obviously your not her first thought. As time goes on the feelings of pain will go away. Just give it time.

lighterrr · Jun 7, 2009, 10:43 AM

You are doing great and your life is coming together very well, don't expect the feelings you have for her to be gone overnight it will take time, but you are definelty on the right track. When you are emotionally ready you will begin to peak an interest in other girls soon enough, so enjoy this time you have by yourself by getting to know you again.

BigUps · Jun 11, 2009, 02:53 AM

Thanks for the kind words :) I think I was a bit naïve and still in shock when I started fixing all the other things in my life, thinking that once they were in order I'd be all better and healed. I'm quite proud of where I've come in only 50 days though. Feels like about a year! I still think about her a lot, hopefully this goes away in time.

I moved into my new apartment last weekend and it was so tough when I was packing up, finding old notes from her saying "I love you", pictures of us, things she'd gotten me. I cried once when I found and read a letter she'd sent me from overseas. At least that's out of the way now.

I had a dream this morning just before I woke up that we got back together... woke up and was alone and it was really horrible :( Damn you subconscious!

Tando · Jun 11, 2009, 03:23 AM

Man BigUps,

I am in a similar situation and can feel with you. Mate, you are doing a good job so far. I am also trying to fight against my weakness of contacting her... I applied NC for the last 5 weeks and it is harsh on me... some days are easy and some days are difficult. My issue is, that I never got the chance to speak my mind after the break-up. That bites me in the currently.

But I also realise that I'm getting better, I'm healing a bit, slowly but surely I'm trying to build up my life again without her. Just as you seem to do.
I also feel that I do many things for "her" and show her that I'm not the kind of man she perceives me to be. I know it won't change her mind, so I'm trying to do it for myself...

It will hurt for long... but it will only hurt for as long as I allow to...

Hang in there, mate and take good care of yourself. Embrace your emotions and give them a chance to be expressed. Don't swallow down but don't bath in them either. Give them a certain amount of time every day. It's easy spoke, I know myself. But having it in the head is the first step to acting like it, too...

susangpyp · Jun 11, 2009, 03:36 AM

It hasn't been that long, really. Grief is a process and you're still in the middle of it. Getting over it isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. Take time and be good to you and be okay with where you are even if you're not as far along as you'd like to be.

BigUps · Jul 21, 2009, 04:27 AM

So on Saturday I'm going on my first "date" since the breakup. I'm really nervous as I haven't been on a first "date" with someone for 3 years.

I'm using quotation marks because I don't even know if it is a date, or she's interested in me at all. We're just going to have a coffee and maybe some lunch together. I met her briefly a few weeks ago and it's the first time I've felt interested in anyone since all this stuff happened with the end of my old relationship. We exchanged email addresses and have been emailing each other for the last couple of weeks and seem to have a fair bit in common. I'm really looking forward to meeting up again and thinking about this new person has certainly taken my mind of the ex to some extent.

I'm a bit worried though that it's still too soon. The pain from all the break-up stuff has eased somewhat. I still think about the ex a fair bit but it's not as fresh as previously. If something develops here I just don't want it to be a rebound thing. Is three months long enough for me to not be in the rebound stage?

So a question to you lovely people. If she asks me about previous relationships or I can't tiptoe around the fact I was living with my ex until recently, will it sound like its too soon and I'm still getting over the ex? I don't want to lie but at the same time don't want to to scare her off by giving the impression that I'm not over the previous relationship.

Err yeah and any other tips for someone getting out for the first time after a long term relationship ended would be appreciated :) If the lunch goes OK is it all right to invite her out for dinner?? I'm 28, I know I should know this stuff, but that's why I'm asking here because I'm too embarrassed to ask my friends!

talaniman · Jul 21, 2009, 07:01 AM

There's no rules or magic pills, but

Talaniman Rule- Have a lot of fun, getting to know new people, whether it be friends, or romance.

Just don't get carried away by success. and don't let be put of if its not a successful, as you hoped. its about the enjoyment, as dating has to be better than not, isn't it?

jmw0713 · Jul 21, 2009, 07:47 AM

Just take things slow and don't rush/push into to anything.

As far as past relationships, if the subject comes up (it shouldn't because it's a first date and neither of you want to seem like your hung up on an ex), just be honest. It's always best to be honest about things, especially if you are looking for something to grow. It's best not build that on a shaky foundation of lies and secrets.

Tips for the first date:

1. DO NOT BRING UP THE EX!

2. Dress comfortably

3. DO NOT BRING UP THE EX!

4. Be courteous and respectful. Get the door for her. When you pick her up, walk up to her door, don't wait in the car. Be polite to her and others.

5. If the subject of past relationships is brought up, be honest about things, but only answer the questions directly... don't go elaborating on anything, because you it will seem like you're still hung up on her. Try to keep the conversation on that topic short and change the subject.

6. Pump yourself up before you leave your house. Just like how football players talk to themselves in the locker room before the game, do the same thing. It will help boost your confidence and she will notice.

7. Go out WITHOUT any expectations. The higher they are, the harder you fall when they aren't met.

8. Work in some humor. Don't try to hard at this, but throughout your conversation, bust some corny remarks that will make her laugh.

9. Be yourself. Don't put on a front and act like someone you're not. She didn't want to go out with an actor, she wants to go out with the real you.

10. HAVE FUN! Try not to over think the situation and get yourself worked up and
Nervous. If something doesn't go right, roll with it and let it go. Both of you will be nervous. Be the one to set the tone of the evening. Calm and cool.

11. Don't worry about moments of silence during lunch/dinner... you have to eat and chew your food at some point. Just let everything flow naturally and remember, she can start different conversation too.

12. Listen to her. This will give you information about her that you can talk about. The less pressure you feel about getting to know her, the better.

Conversation topics: These are some general, safe topics, to discuss on a first date

Family/Friends, hobbies, interests, goals, aspirations, travels, funny stories, movies, books, education goals/opportunities, achievements (don't brag), childhood memories you may both share (favorite TV shows, toys, other things), current events (light subjects), favorite TV shows, favorite hangouts, favorite activities.

During the conversation, tell her something (at least one thing) special about yourself that makes you unique among the other people she knows. Hopefully this will come out naturally, but if it doesn't don't force it.

Conversation topics to avoid (first date): General topics to avoid... depending on the person, unless you like living dangerously.

Politics, religion, past relationships, work (boring although good to know), sensitive family issues, sensitive issues from the past, school (can also be boring, but good to know), financial matters, gross and disgusting topics (bathroom humor, sexual jokes, any other topics along these lines), stereotypical remarks, marriage and kids, death.

I can't think of anything else. Hopefully this will get you started!

Good luck. Let us know how things went!

liz28 · Jul 21, 2009, 08:12 AM

Have fun on your date and tried to plan something fun. On first dates I hate the normal dinning out thing or catching a movie then dining out thing.

I like to go rollerskating, play laser tag, bowling, paintballing, even miniature golf is okay, and the list goes on and on.

No matter where you go or what the two of you do--be yourself. Don't try/pretend to be something your not. Keep things light and have fun because that is what it's about.

BigUps · Jul 25, 2009, 01:16 AM

Since you asked (JM) and spent the time to give me some great advice, just wanted to to say it went pretty well. I had fun and I think she did too. We have some stuff in common and seem to get along well so I'm going to call her in a couple of days to see if she'd like to do something next weekend! :)

jmw0713 · Jul 25, 2009, 05:52 PM

Awesome man! I'm glad everything went well! If your feeling good about how things went and are interested in moving things along, definitely get that second date!!

Don't wait too long. I wouldn't wait any longer than 2 days to call and make plans. That way you don't see desperate, but you don't seem uninterested either. BTW, when you call her, don't chit chat too much. Save that for the date. Make the plans and then politely end the call.