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Ryan7484 · Sep 20, 2006, 09:40 AM

Hi everyone... so this is where my story begins I've been dating my girlfriend for 7 months I love her to death I have never loved any woman like I do her. 2 days ago she was having horrible cramps... she went to the hospital and didn't call me for a day... she called this morning crying telling me that she had a baby and was putting it up for adoption(not because of me) for financial reasons... she never knew she was pregnant until she went to the hospital because of the cramps when she went they told her she was pregnant and ready to deliver the baby(I did not know about any of this until this morning... we live in different states)... This baby is not mine and was made before her relationship with me... but I still feel betrayed and hurt and I don't know how to feel about the situation or what to do. I want to talk to her and be there for her but I don't want to hear anything about the baby does that make me a selfish person? I do want to be with her but I don't know if I can handle the fact that she has a baby with another man... anyone who can help is appreciated... thank you:(

kp2171 · Sep 20, 2006, 10:59 AM

Well... the baby is her decision. And you really cannot punish her for the relationship she had before you.

And it does happen on occasion that a woman will not know she's pregnant. Not all women are regular, and some have weight fluctuations anyway. Doesn't mean she didn't cover it up, but it doesn't sound that way.

If you care about her and believe her, you need to realize this situation is mostly about her, not you. Having a baby from another relationship in no way makes her less worthy of affection and love. I have a son with my wife and a daughter who is from her previous relationship. That my wife had an unplanned pregnancy before me has nothing to do with her being worthy of love.

Now... should you be a little screwed up about this. Absolutely. Big shocker. But there's no way you can shift the feelings to blame her or punish her for anything.

Wildcat21 · Sep 20, 2006, 10:59 AM

Ah Dude - this baby WAS made while you were in a relationship.

Seriously - WHEN was the last time you saw this women?

IF the last 2 months you would have known she was pregnant. I think she has known for A LONG TIME SHE WAS PREGNANT.

Here's the DEAL and REALITY - she lied and cheated on you. Babies take 9 months to deliver - sounds like she was seeing someone else - baby came early.

AGAIN - when was the last time oyu saw her?? This doesn't sound like a relationship at all... maybe a fantasy on your part.

"she never knew she was pregnant until she went to the hospital" - that's really funny - dude - wake up!! You just don't have a baby out of the blue.

My advice... no more long distance realtionships. Find a gal in your area you can see every day.

Babies don't happen over night. Women don't become pregnant one day and have a baby the next.

kp2171 · Sep 20, 2006, 11:12 AM

I agree that most women show and know when they are pregnant, at least in the latter stages. When that baby drops, usually its hard to not know. And really after 6 mo, its usually hard not to know. My wife didn't really start showing until about 5 mo in, and even until she was 6-7 it could have been attributed to weight gain had she not known.

The last few months, you could absolutely tell. But there ARE cases where the woman does not know. If your girlfriend is slender at all, I'm guessing she was hiding it. If she isn't slender, again, different women present differently. Obviously if she's telling the truth, she's in a rare minority.

For those who say it never happens, an article that was out earlier this year...

http://www.parenting.com/parenting/p...382_1,00.html?

** edited in ** when my wife originally read this, she found it hard to believe a woman could be so out of touch with her body. She "sensed" the baby was in her, regardless of the other telltale signs.

The other side is, this isn't a primary medical journal, so the story could just be that.

Kryc · Sep 20, 2006, 11:56 AM

The bottom line is do you love and trust her? With out love the relationship will fail. With out trust the relationship will fail. Are you happy with the way thing are? If not can you change them to be happy? One thing about change the only thing you can change in this world is you and your circumstances. You can not change anyone else. So if your not happy with her then don't think you can changer her and make things better. Ask yourself those questions then do what is best for you. On a side note how do you feel about the baby being put up for adoption? I do agree with most everyone I think she was hiding the fact she was pregnant.

Wildcat21 · Sep 20, 2006, 12:05 PM

I don't think he sees her very often. LD relationships are hard.

She obviously was seeing someone else.

JoeCanada76 · Sep 20, 2006, 12:29 PM

I agree with wildcat on this one. All of a sudden she went to the hospital and she popped out the baby. It has happened before but if you knew this girl very well and you were in a close relationship with her. You would have known all this was going on. I do not believe you want to be tangled up in this deep web.

Move on.

Joe

J_9 · Sep 20, 2006, 12:32 PM

I am in total agreement with all the others here. Yes, it is possible for a woman to not know that she is pregnant, however, that is extremely rare!!

It also could be something psychological wherein she refused to believe she was pregnant and therefore repressed that info.

You should find a relationship that is based on truth and honesty.

kp2171 · Sep 20, 2006, 12:44 PM

Rare doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I have a friend who's daughter was given no chace of beating a killer cancer, and she's one of the rare survivors.

But... I admit things are pretty uncertain here. Chances are she at least knew about it and maybe was in denial.

Being pregnant in no way means she was seeing someone else while she was with you. Simple math a second grader could manage.

Lying to you... well if she did, and general consensus here is she did probably lie about the pregnant, then she could lie about anything.

Kryc · Sep 20, 2006, 01:24 PM

I still question what kind of person gives away their child? Because of financial reasons... dont by it to many programs out there that will help people with financial problems. To me this is just selfishness on her part. So ask yourself would you want to be with someone who is willing to give away their child?

chuff · Sep 20, 2006, 01:47 PM

I'm reading the responses and then I re-read the original post. I think Ryan is holding back more information. Maybe she's trying to guilt Ryan into taking responsibility for the child so she doesn't have to give him up. Something just doesn't add up here.

Wildcat21 · Sep 20, 2006, 02:24 PM

I need to know how often he saw her. Was this a real relationship?

Ryan7484 · Sep 20, 2006, 04:38 PM

Hey everyone... As for the questions... No she didn't cheat on me... she got pregnant in Dec and I didn't start dating her until Feb... she had the baby yesterday... She is not a skinny girl and she is a girl with irregualar periods. Because of my job I see her about once a month... but I talk to her everyday on the phone she has never gave me a reason to believe she was out cheating... She did tell me that she was in denial the whole time about the pregnancy she didn't want to believe she was pregnant... thanks for the replys

J_9 · Sep 20, 2006, 04:43 PM

Well, if she is a skinny gal, could you not see that she was pregnant? Pregnancy is usually VERY obvious.

Note that I said usually, not always. I know a gal that never wore maternity clothes and no one believed her till she had the baby, but usually you can tell.

Presleygall85 · Sep 20, 2006, 04:44 PM

Wow. Was the baby health? Have you guys decided what's going to happen to the baby and your relationship?

Ryan7484 · Sep 20, 2006, 04:47 PM

She is nota skinny girl... the baby was very heathly... she has chosen to adopt the baby out... as far as the relationship I don't know what's going to happen... I don't want to answer her phone calls because I'm just not ready to talk to her yet

J_9 · Sep 20, 2006, 04:51 PM

I am sorry I misread your post. I have been doing a lot of reading lately for school, and my eyes got ahead of me.

That said, it is possible she never even showed then.

Take your time Ryan... just keep on doing what you have been doing... wait till you are ready, that is the best thing.

Sorry again for misreading your post.

Presleygall85 · Sep 20, 2006, 04:52 PM

I understand you not wanting to talk to her this is a huge huge thing going on between you guys! HUGE but I know that if I was put in her situation I would need my boyfriend the most right now.. there are probably so many things running through her head right now and you should be at her side seeing her through this really difficult time.. of course that is just my opinion, I obviously don't know what kind of a relationship you guys have but my opinion is you should probably stop ignoring her talk to her let her know how you feel about this situation.. if you need to tell her you need time to think.. instead of just shutting her out when she needs you the most!

Ryan7484 · Sep 20, 2006, 04:55 PM

I did talk to her this morning for about 3hrs but after hanging up with her it was like everything started to hit me so fast... She told me she wants me to be by her side but I don't know if I can be strong enough for the both of us... as of right now I can barely hold myself together

s_cianci · Sep 20, 2006, 05:32 PM

The fact that she has a baby in and of itself is inconsequential. But the fact that she didn't tell you about it is a huge red flag. What is the nature of her relationship with the baby's father? That is a potential red flag as well. This woman doesn't sound too honest to me. I think that's a much bigger problem than the baby.