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ajGambino · May 7, 2009, 01:51 AM

Threads merged

It's been since April 21st since I last talked to my ex when she ended our 9 year relationship. As I've been trying to deal with things the right way (going out with friends, work, new hobbies), I seem to keep coming back to thoughts I can't help.

I keep thinking about her going out with other guys, kissing other guys and eventually sleep with other guys. It's so hard for me sometimes, I just want these thoughts to end. Seems like I have more bad days then good. It started positive, now it's just going down hill... I hate this.

ylaira · May 7, 2009, 02:48 AM

Everyone goes through this stage. It sucks and it seems so endless but we have to always think that sometime we have to forget what we feel to be better.

huggis1 · May 7, 2009, 04:57 AM

Try and make yourself remember the bad occasions. When she upset you, when she made you feel bad, when you argued or shouted at each other. String all these memories together and keep re-living them over and over again. Eventually the other thoughts will fade into nothing. It worked for me, but it takes time and some effort. Good Luck.

Romefalls19 · May 7, 2009, 05:06 AM

NC is one heck of a roller coaster ride, it's always changing. One day you feel good, then a week goes by where everything reminds you of her, those are the times you need your hobbies and friends the most. It does get better, it just takes time

liz28 · May 7, 2009, 05:11 AM

Your mind has a way of playing tricks on you. After a break-up you tend to focus on the good memories but when this happens immediately think of something else. Don't hold on that thought.

Your break-up is still fresh and everything your feelings and going through is normal just whatever you do, don't break NC.

With a lot of willpower and patience your survive. Keep yourself busy and hopefully you have a support system wherever your at and you can always come on here.

Believe or not exercising is good for you especially when your going through NC. Your be surprise on how good you will feel after a workout.

kctiger · May 7, 2009, 05:38 AM

The beauty of NC is that you NEVER have to know about your ex, for the rest of your life if you so desire. I hate to be the guy who breaks it to you, but she will date, kiss and sleep with other guys. It is life. You WILL date, kiss and sleep with other girls, it is life. If you do this right, you won't have what happened to me happen to you. Avoid contact and avoid seeing, and even hearing about your ex, and these thoughts will be just that, thoughts. You have gone a little more than two weeks. After nine years, two weeks is comparable to 2 hours. It will take a lot more time.

Triysle · May 7, 2009, 05:48 AM

I believe I read somewhere that each year together equals about two months apart to get over her. So, you're looking at a year an a half, if you stick with the formula.

You can speed this up by following the NC rules, getting your own life on track, and enjoying your own activities and group of friends. I'm still not completely over my ex either, but it's only been a couple weeks for me as well. However, I'm not letting my thoughts control my life.

Check out my sig, it might help you out :)

~ Tee

jmw0713 · May 7, 2009, 06:24 AM

These feelings will pass. Just do whatever it takes to stay distracted and have fun. Do not contact her. It will cause these feelings to persist, or in my case comeback.

Once these feelings pass, you don't want them coming back... It Sucks!

9 years is a long time. I would actually discourage putting a deadline on when you think you should be over this. Everyone is affected by a break-up differently and will also heal differently. Some people take longer to heal, while others don't.

I wish · May 7, 2009, 06:37 AM

It's normal to feel the things that you feel. I think the toughest part in the recovery process is that you have to accept that she is not longer your significant other. She's just another regular person now.

I wish there was a quick recovery process too, but it just doesn't work that way. The fact that you dated for 9 years means that you will probably take even more time to recover than someone that broke up from a much shorter relationship.

There are times that you will see things that remind you of her and you will start thinking about her. Try your best to block out those thoughts and think about something else. I know it's tough, but try your best.

I find that reconnecting with old friends that interacted a lot with our exes sometimes causes us to remind ourselves of our ex. So
One thing that really helps is to make new friends. It will feel like a fresh start.

Patience is the key. It will take time, but you WILL recover. You got to believe in that.

Lonelyandbroken · May 7, 2009, 06:55 AM

I'm right here with you man. I have the same thoughts and feelings. It really sucks. But I've been NC for about the same time. We'll get through it.

SAB123 · May 7, 2009, 07:21 AM

Originally Posted by ajGambino

I keep thinking about her going out with other guys, kissing other guys and eventually sleep with other guys.

When my ex broke up with me this was a big problem I had to deal with. I can honestly say stay NC and don't ask anyone about your ex. What you don't know won't hurt you. 3 months into my break up I asked about ex and was told she had a new boyfriend. My 3 months of healing was thrown out the door, and went back to square one. So please stay NC and don't ask about your ex until you are healed.

ajGambino · May 7, 2009, 01:09 PM

I appreciate everyone's comments and support. I'm such a rookie when it comes to being the breakee, I've never dealt with this before.

I know what I'm suppose to do, I know what I'm suppose to avoid. I've controlled my urges to call her or make contact in some way. Venting to you guys is definitely helping me out, thanks.

ajGambino · May 7, 2009, 02:40 PM

I have a question. After this whole thing happened, I began smoking. Is it OK to continue smoking through all of this? I know health wise, it's not a good idea. But to cope with all of this while smoking... is that OK?

bswc · May 8, 2009, 08:26 AM

Not OK!

jmw0713 · May 8, 2009, 10:40 AM

Try to not use bad habits as a crutch. Smoking is bad and very hard to quit. It is also repulsive to a lot of women.

I started back up after my ex broke-up with me after being smoke free for 3 years. Now I got to go through the pain in the a$$ process of quitting AGAIN, for the 3rd time... LOL! I think I'm doing pretty well. I only had had 1 this week (slipped up while I was drunk, that's my trigger).

Try to quit and get healthy. Easier said than done... and I should know!

Alty · May 8, 2009, 10:52 AM

Girls! Jeesh! Okay, yes, I am a girl, but still, jeesh!

You're better off without her. She wanted a mind reader, someone that only thought about her and her needs.

Heck, I'd love it if I didn't have to tell hubby everything but I do. If I want to go out and I don't tell him then how is it his fault he didn't figure it out?

You're doing great. This isn't easy, you'll take many steps backwards but you will go on.

I'm glad you're here talking to all these guys, they're great. It does help coming here and spilling your guts so keep it up.

As for the smoking. I'd love to say don't do it, it's bad for you, but really, it's up to you. You know what to do. :)

Good luck. Stay strong. This too shall pass.

Synnen · May 8, 2009, 11:02 AM

Let's put it this way:

It was waaaaaaaaaaaaaay easier to get over an ex breaking it off with me than it is to quit smoking.

kctiger · May 8, 2009, 11:04 AM

I take issue with the smoking thing... I for one think smoking isn't as bad for me as my ex was... just saying

jmw0713 · May 8, 2009, 11:41 AM

^^ I second that opinion.

ajGambino · May 8, 2009, 01:50 PM

Thanks for your advice, it's been really hard for me. I sort of took a step back emotionally and keep thinking of what's never going to happen anymore. I think about the good things and the bad, it's just that the good things seem to heavily out-weigh the bad things about the relationship.

Ugh, I just want to move past all of this.