[2pieces]

Hi, I am a 46 year old mother of 2 wonderful teenagers. Last August, I connected with an amazing man on a dating site. From the very first email, and I cannot explain why, I felt a connection. He gave me his number and when we spoke, it felt like we had known each other forever. Then we met for coffee and the minute he walked in, we made eye contact and I ran up to him and we hugged. Anyone looking from the outside in would have thought that we were connected a lifetime already. We had an amazing time over coffee and we CLICKED from the very second we met. He is a wonderful, compassionate, family oriented man with strong work ethics. We share the same Morals and Values, we both have the same sense of humour(and have NOT stopped laughing since). We both lost our father's and shared that pain that very first night. We are compatible in every possible way... Emotionally, Mentally, Spiritually and Physically. I am, for the first time in my life, in Love, without a doubt. He brings out the best in me and makes me feel like the woman that I was meant to be. He is honest and sincere and my best friend. So the problem?? He has never been married (he is 45). He has had long term relationships, but has never found "HER". With that, goes the fact that he wants children of his own. We BOTH knew from the very start that I do not want any more and that he does. But we NEVER expected to feel the way that we do. We just thought we would be great friends and nothing more. But that is NOT the case. I did tell him a few months ago that I need to back off and allow him to find "HER" because if we continue seeing each other, then he will not be able to get out there and date women, find the right one, fall in love, get married and bear him children. He realizes that at 45, that will be difficult and when I told him that I care enough to let him go to find "HER", he started to cry and said to me "what if YOU are her?". I was floored and we both hugged and cried. He is now struggling with re-evaluating his values that he had all his life... go to school, get a good job, fall in love, get married, buy a house and have kids. NOW, he met me and that all changed. We live 1/2 hour away and only see each other one day of the weekend. He is a consultant for his own company and works horrible hours. We are still together and he recently told me that his heart fills with horror when he thinks of NOT having me in his life. He tells me he cares about me deeply. I don't know what to do? Do I stay and see where this goes in the hopes that he realizes that maybe his biological children are not in his cards (my kids adore him and he them) and that he found ME. He tells me that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him and that he is blessed to have me in his life. I get the sense that he has been alone forever and had no idea how to handle this. I am not looking to marry anytime soon or move in with him and he knows that. I hate that it is ALWAYS me who asks if we will be getting together on the weekend. I hate that his best friend is a single 45 year old man who still likes to go to dance clubs where there are 20+ year old girls and that my boyfriend sometimes goes. He swears that he goes just to be with his friend, they sit at the bar and he does NOT ask any girls to dance NOR do they ask him. But then WHY go? Why not go when I am with him since I love to dance? And then, he tells me that they might be doing their annual Vegas trip and that scares the hell out of me but he does not know that and I won't tell him. I know that I have issues about trust because of my past and he has NOT given me any reason not to trust him. I offered that maybe we go away down south and he did not bite. And he has not introduced me to his family yet, other than his 30 year old nephew, who adores, me. Both his best male friends think that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him as do his female friends that I have come to know as well. Beign Italian as well, I know him well enough to know that if he introduces a woman to his family, the it will be the one he marries, Especially at his age now. His friends have told me that his family will all love me and then that will be it. So until he is sure, he won't do it. So what do I do?

It kills me when I am not with him and go one or 2 days without talking to him and yet it kills me to be with him because I am investing sooooooo much emotionally and not sure if he wants to be with me for life. He tells me I am one of a kind, that I fill a void in his life, that I am refreshing compared to all the fake women out there. He knows that I am NOT after his money. He tells me that I am an amazing mother. He tells me I have nothing to worry about as far as him going out because, YES, there are a lot of beautiful women out there, but why would he bother when he has ME, the most beautiful woman around. He calls me a classic beauty actually. Every time we are out, people think that we are married... that is how incredibly connected we are.

So in a nut shell... Do I continue to invest in this wonderful relationship, even though he has not decided about the kids issue? What do I do about my insecurities about him and his "wild" friend going to dance clubs and occasionally strip clubs? And what about Vegas? Do I tell him how I feel about that, but NOT pressure him to change his mind? Or do I let go of the most amazing man to ever come into my life? I do not want to waste his time or mine but the thought of walking away kills me. I do not want to stand in his way yet he is not making any attempts at ending what we have together either. But I want MORE and I am not sure if I am being selfish or not.

Sorry this is soooooo long. Any help / advice would be appreciated.

Thank you!!

[dreadheadboy]

Just move on baby ther's much better oout here so you don't need to hurt anymore.

[Fuzzball_Kara]

You've got to communicate to him if you want any relationship to work. Talk to him, using the I message and what not. Just tell him how these trips and such make you feel. Honesty is the best policy. :)

[Gemini54]

It sounds to me as if he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

He's 45, has never committed to a marital relationship and still wants kids? Give me a break. He's not that committed to you either, by the sound of it. You've known each other for nearly a year, he works like a trojan (so he says), you only see each other one day a week, you've not met his family and he continues to go to dances where he might attract the attention of 'sweet young things'. Hmmmm.

Yes, you do sound wonderful, and I'm sure you stroke his ego heaps. Clearly there is a strong connection between you, which he ensures he maintains by flattering you, but it's not strong enough for him to make a commitment.

I think it's crunch time. You are not selfish for wanting more! You know what you want, you know how you feel about him. Every relationship reaches a cross roads at some point or another - this is yours. Speak to him - if the connection is as good as you claim, this should be no problem. Tell him where you stand, tell him what you want. We are all entitled to express our innermost needs and desires to our partners - this is what good relationships are about.

Once you've spoken with him, leave it in his court. Let him know that you love him, that you don't want to place undue pressure on him, but that you need to know where he stands. Give him a time frame - 2 weeks, 4 weeks - whatever. It will be hard, but don't hassle him about it.

His response will be your benchmark for deciding what you do at this cross roads in your relationship. Can he break through his fears and commit to you? Can you let him go if he doesn't?

I sincerely hope that your deepest hopes and desires are fulfilled.

[MarkwithaK]

According to your post it hasn't even been a year yet... If the guy made to 45 without getting married he certainly isn't going to do after such a brief time. And do not by any means lay out any sort of ultimatum, that will back him into a corner. As a male, the last thing we want is to feel pressured into a relationship.

I recently went through the same situation. I met a woman that was divorced and had 2 kids and by her admission she wasn't doing either ever again. I knew that I wanted both of these things and when it started to get a little bit serious I had to pull the plug on the whole thing. He may be OK with it now but how is he going to feel a few years down the road?