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rsmith365 · Sep 17, 2006, 07:56 PM

I recently started dating a girl who I really like but I am very bothered by her past. She was raped at 13 and then dated the boy who raped her for 3 years. After that relationship ended (at about age 16) she went on to have sex with 15-20 guys over the next three years and had began using drugs. She then became pregnant at age 19 by a serious low life guy. She is from a good Christian family and she is a kind hearted and attractive girl (now 21 years old). She is a wonderful mother and regrets her past but I just can't understand her actions. I think that she is a very special person but it makes me sick to think of how she just gave herself away. When we are together I just think of the trashy guys she slept with. I want to be with her but I don't know how to accept her past! HELP!

CaliforniaOrange · Sep 17, 2006, 08:17 PM

In my honest opinion, if you two were both ready for a relationship you would be ready, it doesn't sound like you guys are ready. By that I mean you have your own issues to work through before you are fully ready to accept the many imperfections/issues/past that comes with a relationship. Her past is just that, the past, you'd better know now whether you can leave her past in the past or not, otherwise don't waste her time (or yours)... she's already been through enough. Save the both of you a helluva lot of future drama by being honest with yourself and her. Are you willing to accept the past and move forward with both of your new lives or not?? Those are just my opinions...

Skell · Sep 17, 2006, 08:41 PM

It is a decision that only you can make within yourself. Are you willing to accept that it is her past and should remain there or can you not get over it and never will? Is it too hard for you to accept?
If you can't forget about it and move on with her, trusting her and loving her for who she is now, then I say you have to move on. It is not your fault if you can't forget what has happened. That is your choice. But you also have to make the choice sooner rather than later and not lead this girl on.
If you can't truly forget about it then you have no option but to end it really. You can't have a relationship with no TRUST (trust that it is her past and she is changed) and RESPECT (you can't respect her because of her past actions).
If indeed she has changed and you love her for who she is now then it would be nice to think that you could accept it is her past and it should stay there. But that isn't always and easy thing to do, I know!
But you owe it to her and yourself to make this deciosn. So look within yourself and be honest to her and you.

Good luck and keep us posted please.

chuff · Sep 18, 2006, 01:21 AM

I don't have an answer to her emotional problems, and she does have some, but we all did things as teenagers that were not proud of. Hell, I do them to this day. If she says she regrets them and she means it, and you truly care try to offer her some support to bring her confidence up. If you are going to be bothered by her past than get out now for her and her child's sake. If she's trying to overcome these past problems she doesn't need you bringing her down or judging her.

Krs · Sep 18, 2006, 01:31 AM

The Past is the Past, Concentrate on the present and future.

Yes I must admit I would also consider she slept with too many guys in a space of 3 years, but no one knows, not you nor me, what she must have felt when she got raped at 13 ( which is incredibly young ) and then end up with a loser boyfriend who raped her for 3 years.
Those are 2 traumatic episodes she has been through, she suffered, and passed through a lot.

Im not trying to excuse her actions, but I've never been raped so I just don't know what it must feel like physically and mentally but I had a friend who did she was 14, and she passed through a phase where she slept with sort of any guy that came along, and her reasoning to do this was because she felt so low and dirty about herself that she didn't give a sh*t.

Rape is traumatic and people who haven't been raped just can't comprehend what it means.

I think you should support her, give her time, this is not something you forget over night.

Maybe you can suggest counseling.

BIM · Sep 18, 2006, 06:43 AM

I totally agree with Skell and Krs! You need to either accept her past and move on or end it for both of your sakes. She probably is ashamed of her past, but we have ALL done something in our past we are wanting to erase. She is wanting to move on and needs someone that can move on with her. It does not make you wrong in any way that you cannot accept her past, it just means that you may not be the one for her.

Good luck and keep everyone posted. :o

s_cianci · Sep 18, 2006, 06:50 PM

Well, if she was truly raped then she didn't just "give herself away." Admittedly I question the part about her dating the guy who raped her for 3 years after the fact. Regardless, promiscuous behavior is very common in people who were victims of sexual assault at a young age. I'm sure she truly means it when she says she regrets her past. Understand that she's going to come with a tremendous amount of baggage. Is she getting therapy? I certainly hope she is. Keep in mind that if you stay with this girl you're going to have a long, hard road to hoe.

YeloDasy · Sep 18, 2006, 08:48 PM

I want to add that I agree with BIM that you are not a bad person if you can't accept her past decisions. I do know that people who have traumatic experiences can make decisions that are harmful to them and it is not uncommon. But you have to decide now if you can accept her, past, present, and anything the future brings at this point. If you are unsure, please think about her and she deserves a man in her life that can give her that respect and non-judgemental outlook. She really does not need to be retraumatized at any point... and if you judge her in any way, it will be an issue in your relationship. She deserves a man who accepts her... good, bad, and the ugly!

chuff · Sep 18, 2006, 11:39 PM

You know most women wouldn't admit to how many women they've slept with in a 3 year time span if it was that many people. Maybe she's looking for help and trusted you enough to reach out to you. I think that if a woman told me what she told you I'd be somewhat proud that she trusted me enough to open up to me. For a woman that's be raped, been left to raise a kid on her own, and obviously has commitment issues you actually seem to be doing quite well for yourself with her. I think if you looked at this with a different perspective you'd see a look of good in this situation.

ilovcali · Sep 18, 2006, 11:44 PM

Go see the movie "Chasing Amy". I'm serious. My ex slept with many guys too. But I actually didn't care about the past, because now she was sleeping with me. However, the present with her had many other problems. If you can't let her past slip away, you have no chance. You have to decide if she's worth forgetting her past.

Krs · Sep 19, 2006, 12:18 AM

I agree with all your answers.

If you love and respect this girl you can't justify her past.
Past regrets are episodes that come to haunt you in the present... think about it, are they really worthed?

I don't think so.

talaniman · Sep 19, 2006, 09:05 AM

If you cannot accept a person for who they are, then you need to leave them alone. The fact that she has told you about her past says volumes about how she feels about you and shows her honesty, and if you can't get beyond her past then don't waste her time or betray her trust.

Presleygall85 · Sep 19, 2006, 09:43 AM

You said yourself that she is a kind hearted and attractive girl... You are what life makes you.. you like her for who she is now so obviously her past has nothing to do with you as a couple.. if you except her as how she is with you and how she acts now, letting go of her past should be easy or easier since nothing is easy!. believe me I have been through it and it feels so good when you just let go and enjoy the person for who they are with you! :) good luck!

jgj6331 · Sep 19, 2006, 08:40 PM

If you are truly serious about this girl, you will both need the help of a good therapist. The way you have put it, I'm sure she has some emotional baggage that is yet to be addressed - and you yourself would benefit in participating. Being practical, I would suggest you both be tested for STD's - with her past history, you would be taking a great risk having unprotected sex with her. If everything checks out okay, that's one less thing about her past you'll have to worry about.

Edit9/20/06 - Wildcat, what are you in disagreement with? The therapist or the test for STD's? Obviously the therapist is open to debate - they can be expensive and could be a waste if this isn't more than an infatuation - that's why I prefaced it with the seriousness of his intentions. To suggest that STD testing is overkill would be dead wrong however. Her multiplicity of partners opens up a risk of everything from AIDS to veneral warts and everything in between.There is an extremely high likelihood that she already does have HPV - which opens her up to an increased risk of cervical cancer. She needs to be tested regardless - and him, too, if they've had unprotected sex...

Wildcat21 · Sep 20, 2006, 07:50 AM

Not everyone is perfect for everyone. My advice would be to date more women. I don't think you will get over this hang-up any time soon. The # of partners should not be a problem is she is faithful to you.

I do ask if you if she has cheated on a serious boyfriend?

NightAlone · Sep 21, 2006, 03:22 PM

It looks like you've got enough advice already... But just appreciate the fact that she's all yours. And... just... Look forward to the future, man.

rsmith365 · Sep 22, 2006, 07:53 AM

Thank You for all of your input. The past is the past and I see now that she has revealed her past to me because she trusts me. She has put it all behind her and I need to do the same and just enjoy US! In regards to the question of cheating, she claims to never of cheated on a serious boy friend. Regarding STD's- She told me that she was tested for all types of STD's when she had her child and was clean. She has not had unprotected sex since then. I haven't been tested but intend to before we further the relationship.

DIPSEA · Nov 5, 2007, 10:43 AM

Hang in there cause your in a position to get the best part of her.I CAN IDENTIFY. I have a beautiful young fiancé whom I love so much but have been dealing with a past that she is not proud of and I am certainly not happy with. She married a sicko early in life (14 yo) and he led her into a life of drugs and alcohol. Her choice but this was and still is a very sick family. Her father in law raped her while she intoxicated one night. The husband was not much better cause he tried to sell her for drugs. Today she is a wonferful woman who loves God and me. She is not only a great lover bur a great friend. I feel like this was all part of the broken road that led her to me. Though I might wish it was different it has made her the woman I enjoy today. Don't let her be someone else's pride and joy.

wallarookiller · Nov 12, 2007, 10:29 AM

Those are serious things that are going to take some serious thought. You should talk to her about it. It may make you feel better getting it in the open or it may help you relise what you really want.

eduman12 · Aug 20, 2009, 02:48 AM

There is bad things that happen to good people all the time and that is what happened to your girl. She was forced to have sex with someone against her will, then she acted irrrationally for a couple of years. Some religious people feel like after they brake a mandate of GODs that they are useless, so they think what's the point of trying now. They will snap out of it as she has done. If you love her, love her hard now, be the biggest love of her life right now, show her why she picked you to stay with and she her kid with. You already got everything in her that you want, but you can't go back and change her past, so either give her all of you now or get out of her way so she can get what she needs.