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BlackVY · Apr 20, 2009, 04:50 PM

Hi people,

As usual, I'm here for advice.

I got engaged in Sept last year, and at the start of Jan, me and my fiancé broke up, because she didn't like my family or friends, and was blaming me for the way her life was, and she didn't want a wedding because it made her feel like a loser that she didn't have anyone to invite. I couldn't take it anymore and left, but after a month apart, she came back to me, saying she was wrong and sorry and wanted to be with me and would do whatever it took because she didn't want to lose me. I believed her and took her back.

Now, after 2 months of being together, kind of getting into planning the wedding stuff, she is back to her old ways, breaking up with me every week because she just can't handle the pressure of a wedding day, she can't do it, she doesn't want it. She gets very angry with me when I or anyone (including her mother) mentions anything about a wedding. She throws things, swears and totally loses it if I say anything and whatever I tell her is apparently a put down. I am constantly walking on eggshells around her, not knowing what will set her off, but at the same time, don't know if we are getting married or not. Worst of all, she decided if she does do it, she wants it to be on the 17th of Oct, this year! That is less than 6 months away, and I'm meant to plan this on my own, because I can't talk to her about it, but if I mention anything about it or ask her opinion, I'm doomed!

She knows it's the only way we can be together since we are both Christians and can't just move in together, and we just can't keep dating forever. I'm 25 and she is 27.

Since we got back together, she has spent time with my family and that has gone well, she has been out with me and my friends and that has been OK too, so she has made some progress, but we still can't have the wedding day because she just doesn't seem to be able to do it.

I just want to make her happy and am trying to everything possible, but the only way she thinks we can be together is if there is no wedding, nobody there, just us signing a piece of paper saying we are married. To me, that is not the way I'd want to do it. I'm a guy, and I never had wedding day dreams, but I know how I wanted it to be at least, and this was not it. Previously she had a problem because my family were having their say about it, like who to invite and stuff, and I was OK with that, since they were helping to pay for it, but since she got so angry with them for planning "Her" day... I told my family that I'd pay for it all, so I gave her control over "her" day, but now she doesn't know what to do, doesn't want to do it and just can't! My family and her mother are scared to ask her anything about it. Everyone is just afraid she will blow up.

At least I would have wanted a few people there for a nice simple church wedding, but even that is too much for her to do. She doesn't want people there because she won't have more than 3 people on her side. She doesn't want makeup done, she doesn't like photos and she has no money to pay for the wedding, so I'm paying for it all, which is fine with me.

So I can't have a normal wedding, since she can't seem to do it, she is depressed and lonely, I can't do that paper signing thing, because that doesn't mean anything to me, I don't want to leave her, and she doesn't want to leave me, and we both know we can't just date forever.

Sorry for going on, but there just doesn't seem to be anything I can do, no way out that I can think of. Is there somebody out there who can help me? I'm totally lost and I'm losing my mind. :confused:

BlackVY · Apr 20, 2009, 06:11 PM

I'm seriously losing it with her...

JoeCanada76 · Apr 20, 2009, 06:16 PM

Maybe it is time for you to break it off with her. As a last resort.

Have you both been to counseling yet, I suggest this. There is something going on with her and if she can not control her out bursts and anger, and does not understand that she can not have everything her way. Also you may need to approach her in a new or fresh way and see if the situation changes at all.

If after all that. It does not seem to be going any where, then maybe you need to make a decision to end it, and for good?

That is just my opinion but you need to do what is best for you.

Joe

BlackVY · Apr 20, 2009, 06:54 PM

Thanks Joe,

Much appreciated. Just spoke to her, told her she can do what she wants and I'm not going to force her into anything. Last thing I want is to force someone to marry me. She lost it as usual, threatened to kill herself and hung up, and turned her phone off. There is nothing I can do.

Yes, we are going to counseling with my church pastor because we wanted him to marry us, but when we go there, she makes it out to be that I'm the bad guy and I did so many things wrong. I never bring up her anger issues or anything about her because I don't want to upset her or make her feel bad, but on the way home, she starts on me again, feeling horrible about herself and by the time I get her home, it's a full blown fight, she slams the door in my face, throws things, breaks up with me and cries herself to sleep. In the morning, she says she is sorry and didn't mean for all that to happen, but she just can't do it.

This seems like a never ending cycle, but I don't know if I can end it with her. I still love her, and I know she loves me, and she finds this hard and therefore can't do it. She just yelled at me on the phone because she feels like I'm not supporting her and that I don't love her, but its quite the opposite. I need her to support me, because with the way she is now, I don't see her marrying me, and if she does for some reason, I don't see her staying for more than 2 weeks, judging by how many times and how easily she breaks up with me.

I'm lost because I love her, but I don't know what to do.I can't leave her and it doesn't seem like she can marry me, so where does that leave us?

JoeCanada76 · Apr 20, 2009, 07:05 PM

There is no such thing as can't.

You do not want to leave her because she is threatening to kill herself. That is emotional black mail.

She sounds totally messed up and if you stay in this situation whether your married or not. It is only going to get worse it seems to me.

It is best you do not marry, in my opinion. What do you do, it is called tough love.

She needs to get help, if she does not get it or want it, you have to let her go. In my opinion.

Maybe you should privately speak to the minister and tell him the situation at hand..?

BlackVY · Apr 20, 2009, 08:21 PM

Yeah that is good advice, but if I tell her she needs help or anything, she says she is not the problem, I am. Then a huge fight starts again...

Sometimes I do think I should just leave, but its really hard for me to just let her go, because I do love her.

I think I should go talk to my church pastor about this as he may have some advice, but again, I wouldn't want him to have a bad opinion of her if she does end up marrying me, if he knows how she is. Its hard, but I guess I have to make a decision, because I can't go on like this much longer either.

JoeCanada76 · Apr 20, 2009, 08:33 PM

Talk to your Pastor, and get the guidance from the pastor is best idea. You should not worry about him having an opinion of her, it does not matter what his opinion is about her personally. His only job is to give you Godly Counsel... To give you direction and insight into your troubles with her. You need to do something.

BlackVY · Apr 20, 2009, 08:46 PM

Thanks... yeah.. that is something I really need. Been praying about this for a long time... and each time we seem to be going somewhere and things are working out, she has a breakdown and we are right back to square 1...

So yeah, meant to go see my pastor tonight with her, but she is being like this today, and so I don't know if she will be coming or not... but either way, I'll go and see him...

Wondergirl · Apr 20, 2009, 08:46 PM

Originally Posted by BlackVY

Yeah that is good advice, but if I tell her she needs help or anything, she says she is not the problem, I am. Then a huge fight starts again...

Sometimes I do think I should just leave, but its really hard for me to just let her go, because I do love her.

I think I should go talk to my church pastor about this as he may have some advice, but again, I wouldn't want him to have a bad opinion of her if she does end up marrying me, if he knows how she is. Its hard, but I guess I have to make a decision, because I can't go on like this much longer either.

My dad was a pastor, and, of course, did years of (required) premarital counseling. I think it is time you stop being her doormat and be honest with the minister (and her) in your counseling sessions. She knows she is getting away with murder, and will continue to act like a bratty child as long as you allow it and don't deal with it. If you two do marry, I predict your marriage will be a wild rollercoaster ride.

I have a master's in counseling psych and strongly encourage her (and you?) to see a psychiatrist. Her behavior isn't just Bridezilla behavior, but is symptomatic of something very deep. Threatening to kill herself, turning off the phone, constantly starting fights say there is something major that needs to be uncovered and dealt with.

BlackVY · Apr 20, 2009, 08:49 PM

You are very right there wondergirl

I know she does need help. I had issues in the past and I dealt with them and got counseling. I was not quick to just at the idea of me needing help, but in the end, I knew I had to, and I did it, so I do believe I'm on the road to recovery, but she refuses to admit she has a problem. Everyone else has a problem according to her, so why should she need to get help.

I know this is common in most people, refusing to admit they need help, so I just hope as time passes, she will see how she is behaving and realise this for herself. Its not just for the wedding or our future Im worried about. Its her own life and her own future, even if she is not with me, I still want her to be OK in time

Wondergirl · Apr 20, 2009, 08:57 PM

Originally Posted by BlackVY

You are very right there wondergirl

I know she does need help. I had issues in the past and I dealt with them and got counseling. I was not quick to just at the idea of me needing help, but in the end, I knew I had to, and I did it, so I do believe I'm on the road to recovery, but she refuses to admit she has a problem. Everyone else has a problem according to her, so why should she need to get help.

I know this is common in most people, refusing to admit they need help, so I just hope as time passes, she will see how she is behaving and realise this for herself. Its not just for the wedding or our future Im worried about. Its her own life and her own future, even if she is not with me, I still want her to be ok in time

What problems does she have in life and getting along with people apart from you and this wedding thing?

I don't think you have a lot of time ("as time passes"). It sounds like this is escalating in frequency and quantity. And yes, it is for her and her very life that you need to drag her kicking and screaming into therapy (?? ) - or somehow find a way to get her in the same room as a psychiatrist. (A psychologist will do only so much; a psychiatrist is the best bet at this point. He/She will know how to wade through her avoidances and lies. Is there some excuse that will allow you to make an appointment for the two of you? This has to include you.)

Wondergirl · Apr 20, 2009, 09:00 PM

She doesn't seem to understand and respect boundaries, so you are going to have to set some up for your own mental health. Absolutely no contact until she has made an effort to get her own act together by seeing a psychiatrist? Any ideas?

BlackVY · Apr 20, 2009, 09:12 PM

Hmmm... well, this is the thing, I just told her she needs to get some help because I'm worried abuot her, and she explodes again, saying how dare I think I'm so perfect, and she proceeds to point out my flaws, old and current, making me feel very bad, then she tells me she doesn't need me putting her down and she is better off on her own... she can do what she wants and she will survive

Im not going to give her this ultimatum, to get help or leave me, because I know she will choose to leave me... its not something I want, but I think its what's going to happen...

JoeCanada76 · Apr 20, 2009, 09:14 PM

I think it is better if she does. For your own mental sanity..

I do not understand why its such a debate if you think it is going to happen anyway?

BlackVY · Apr 20, 2009, 09:17 PM

Well the issue is I love her, and I know she loves me... but she is just so angry and depressed and lonely now, so she is always fighting with me. She wasn't always like this.

I don't want her to go, but I've become used to her breaking up with me, then talking to me the next day and saying she is sorry...

I just want to be with her properly...

Wondergirl · Apr 20, 2009, 09:18 PM

Originally Posted by BlackVY

Hmmm... well, this is the thing, I just told her she needs to get some help coz I'm worried abuot her, and she explodes again, saying how dare I think I'm so perfect, and she proceeds to point out my flaws, old and current, making me feel very bad, then she tells me she doesn't need me putting her down and she is better off on her own... she can do what she wants and she will survive

Im not going to give her this ultimatum, to get help or leave me, because I know she will choose to leave me... its not something I want, but I think its whats going to happen...

Now is your chance. Set the boundary. No contact. And follow through. She has no respect for you anyway.

BlackVY · Apr 20, 2009, 09:24 PM

She was talking to me on msn... said she is not coping and since she is so bad, I should go. I told her not to go offline so we can talk this out, but she just went offline...

She also broke her mobile phone today because she was angry at stuff... and she doesn't have a house phone... so I can't contact her anymore today, unless she comes on msn... which I doubt

I've really had it with her... I may not be a great or perfect guy, but I do deserve some respect, to be treated better and to be loved. I'm not going to contact her.

JoeCanada76 · Apr 20, 2009, 09:26 PM

Finally its starting to sink in?

Please talk with your pastor...

Wondergirl · Apr 20, 2009, 09:28 PM

Originally Posted by BlackVY

I'm not going to contact her.

Good! Stick to it too. And remember, this is for you AND her. It doesn't seem that way, but it might just be the thing that forces her to take a look at herself. I hope so.

You and I both know you will hear from her again. Remember, no contact. Don't respond, even to tell her you will not answer her.

You didn't tell me yet - is she like this with others, or has she been this way for a while? Is there a pattern?

BlackVY · Apr 20, 2009, 09:29 PM

Yeah, I will talk to him tonight.

This is all happening in real-time, so sorry if I'm not saying much.

Thanks for all the advice and support.