[Wonder1984]

What should be my next move?

Hey all!
This is my first post and I just want to say that this seems to be a great forum! :)


Anyway here is my problem.
This is going to be a looooong post so if you want a shorter version, please tell me. Even though I think its best if you know the background info.


It all started when I was at a basketball game in my home town. It was winter and I was there with my buddies watching the women's team play. And there she was…. The most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I really couldn't take my eyes off her the entire game. So then I started going to ALL the basketball games. And I finally got her msn and started talking to her. We hade a great time talking to each other and when I approached her at a basketball game later on we felt so mush for each other, neither one of us could get a word out.
When we met she was in high-school and I had just finished it and took two years working and reading some courses at a college nearby. So we are three years apart witch we both thought was a bit much in the beginning but later on didn't think of it at all.

Later on we got together and we had such a good time together. A year past and she was (is) the best thing that had happened to me in my entire life. But at this time things started to get worse. We had gotten to know each other better (for me this was just for the better) but it seemed she was not as happy. I thought it was because the relationship hade gotten more serious and not as exiting (you know all relationships are so great in the beginning when everything is new). So I asked her. And she told me it was because I had recently told her that I probably was going to move in about half a year. And that she was scared of it.

She started... not avoiding me but she didn't talk as much as she used to. She was ALWAYS tired. She was tired in bed, tired when I wanted to do something fun. Tired tired tired. I kept asking her what the problem was and told her that she was tired very offen and asked if there was anything wrong. And every time she got anoyed and said nothing was wrong. Actually I felt like she was annoyed very offen when I was around.

Later on she told me that she wanted to make the best of our time and not think of the fact that I was going to move. Just take it as it comes. Thing was that it didn't get any better. She was not as loving and caring any more. So again I thought that every relationship has its ups and downs and I didn't want o bother here with always asking her what was wrong and how she felt. I wanted her to figure out the problem (if there was one). So thing went on and it started to get close to summer vacations and we were going to Spain with her family. I was really exited about it and thought that now we were going to get to start over and have a great time.

We were in Spain for a whole week and not once did she tell me she loved me. Well that's not true I finally told her I loved her and she of course said it back to me but she never told me her self. We did spend a lot of time with her family and some other family's that we went there with and there fore it didn't get to romantic but still It didn't feel to good in my heart.

So I told her this when we came home and she was so sorry. She got said and didn't know what to say. So again she said she was scared for the fall when I was going to move and that it probably wouldn't work out. I got a bit angry (hurten as I was) and told her if she was so sure about it not working out the maybe she didn't want to keep on going for the rest of the summer since there wasn't any meaning with it. She said yes yes yes I do. I love you, of course I want to be with you. So I said the why don't you show that? I mean you were the one who said that we should make the best of the time we had together and have a great summer. So she said that she didn't know what was wrong and she was so sorry but she didn't know what to say.

The summer passed and things were the same. I wanted to see here but she mostly wanted to spend time with her friends and family. We had sex about once a month. By then I just thought that she spent so much time with here friends because she didn't want to loose them for the time that I was going to move.

So on the exact day of our 1,5 year anniversary, I moved. It was a really sad day for the both of us and we cried the night before. I was in my new town for about one and a half weeks and then went home again to get some stuff and se my sister. Of course I spent time with my girlfriend and it was even sadder this time. We laid for a looong time in my bed just hugging each other and crying.

The night that I came to my new home. She broke up with me. Well we talked and we both said we loved each other and she told me that she couldn't take the fact not being able to see me everyday or when she wanted to. (I thought that was a little weird since we she was the one who didn't want to see me to often during the summer.) So I asked if it was over and she said that she didn't want to say those words because she still loved me. So I said well I can't live with the fact that you are hurt because I left. But I still want to keep trying. And then we broke up.

Now its been abut two weeks and I am still sad and I can't believe that it is over. I want her back! I love her so much! How could it be the distance when it only had been a little over one week? Did she break up because she didn't want it to get worse and worse as the time passed?


All I know is that. I want her back! If it is now or in five years I don't care. I want to know that we still have a shoot. So what should my next move be?
Should I be strong and move on? Because I have been showing a rather week side now witch I know is very unattractive to women. So should I move on and show here that I am strong?
Should I aim for a future relationship or try to get together now even though we live so far away from each other?
She did tell me on the phone that it wasn't impossible that we would hoch up aleter on... but maybe that was just to cheer me up...
What should I do?


Thank you so much if you took your time to read this!
I really need your help!



Wonder

[chuff]

Dude, she's seeing someone else and she only kept you around as a back up plan. You don't see it because your so emotionally wrapped up in her and you even when you were together you weren't together much. You said your families are friends so maybe she felt like she had to keep you around to keep the peace so to speak. That's why she kept bringing up the fall and you leaving. She was hoping you'd take the hint and end the relationship so you'd be the "bad guy." When the fall came she did what she essentially told you for months she was going to do and ended the relationship. She doesn't look bad to anybody because she used a valid public reason and nobody can really disagree with her about it. Her private reason is she's seeing someone else as evidenced by the lack of time she provided you, despite telling you she loved you. We've all been there so chalk it up to experience.

[talaniman]

I think it is time to say good-bye to the old life and embrace the new. For whatever reason the relationship is broke so why hold on to something that obviously doesn't go both ways. Focus on the future is your best bet.

[CaliforniaOrange]

Move on. Stay in touch as friends, reminisce about the good times (ONLY) laugh, keep things light, don't loose contact (thats the beauty of the internet), YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS, so play your cards right for now, sounds to me like you know what to do.

[Wonder1984]

Thanks for the quick answers :)
Relly great :)

Although Im not sure I agree with you.
First
I know she isn't seeing anyone else... even though you may think otherwise.
I have my sources...
Second
Thing is we both still love each other...
And I really really REALLY love her...

So is there anything I can do?

[CaliforniaOrange]

Could you be more specific? Opposed to "whats my next move?"

[Skell]

I don't necessarily go along with the suggestion that she is seeing someone else but I definitely don't think there is much you can do.
She doesn't seem to have the feelings back for you that you have for her.
Plus long distance relationships very very rarely work. We see them fail all the time here at AMHD.
I think you just have to let go of her. Your in a new town. Meet new people. Join some sort of sporting club or something that interests you and meet new people.
Go to the basketball games in your new town. You never know, you may just see an even more beautiful girl that can give you the same feelings back.
Just don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself. It won't change the fact that you and her just can't be together anymore.
Why would you want someone who isn't sure of her feeling for you anyway?? Id really just concentrate on making some new friends in your new town and enjoying being young.

[momincali]

I agree with Skell on this one. I don't think she's seeing someone new. I think the moment she found out you were moving, she decided to not become so attached because maybe she too feels that long distance relationships rarely work. It made her feel insecure and lonely and that's why she pushed you away. She was mad at you. Here she meets this great guy, is having a nice time and bam, you tell her you're moving. If you are in college, why did you have to move? Aren't you living on your own now as an adult?? Shouldn't you be? If you moved to go to the college of your choice, that's good and your decision shouldn't have changed just to keep a relationship. If you moved cause your parents were moving, well, maybe you're not quite ready for a serious relationship. At this point, I don't think it will work anymore. She knows you're gone and investing her time and emotions only takes away from her. It's probably best to move on, focus on work and school and eventually, someone else will come along.

[chuff]

Thanx for the quick answers :)
Relly great :)

Allthough Im not sure i agree with you.
First
I know she isnt seeing anyone else...even though you may think otherwise.
I have my sources...
Second
Thing is we both still love each other...
And I really really REALLY love her...

So is there anything I can do?

Well I guess some people are agreeing with me and some aren't but I stand my original post. How do you know your sources aren't lying to you? How do you know that your souces know? Why would your sources tell you and break your heart and risk becoming the bad guys when they can and could see this relationship was going to end once you moved away? How do you know your sources don't have plans of seeing her once your gone. Please don't tell me you know, when I can see you deeply in love and your making excuses for her behavior.

Secondly, I don't for a second discount the fact that you are madly in love with her. I know you'd do anything for her, but she is not feeling the same way back. She hasn't for some time, if ever, and her behavior is proof. You know they say actions speak louder than words and that's the case here.

Unless your willing to move back I don't think there's anything you could do. The reality is I don't think that would help because she's moved on even if she wasn't cheating on you. Perhaps your in shock because what you had is gone and you've just moved and your starting a whole new chapter in your life. I'm sure other factors are working into this confusion.

[Wonder1984]

Could you be more specific? opposed to "whats my next move?"

Well with that I mean... even if I just want her to keep being my friend or still have small intresst in me...
What should I do?

And I guess there is only two things... call her up and say I still love her...
Or let her call me and show that I have moved on...


To my ears the first sounds like the way to go...
But after my own experience and things I've read here and there, I guess the second option is the way to go since it shows that I can focus on other things in life and that I am a strong and secure man... while the first option only says that I am quite insecure and have a hard time letting go.

And my exeperience says that no one in the world likes to be with insecure people...



So I guess what I am asking is... witch way is the best to go if I want to keep her in my life... what ever way that might be?


Thanks again!

[Skell]

Sadly, I don't think you can keep her in your life.
Lots of reasons!

1) she is now your ex and made it clear she doesn't have feelings for you anymore and doesn't / didn't want a relationsjip. She was scratchy at best when you were with her about her feelings for you. She is your EX. It is almost IMPOSSIBLE to remain friends with your ex just after a break up. It only leads to pain and suffering.

2) You live so far apart. How do you expect to maitain and active role in her life with the distance between you. This may be possibel between two long time friends but not an EX. Can't be done.

Look, sorry I know that wasn't the answer you were after but there is no point telling you what you want to hear.

In my opinion you need to move on from this girl and start fresh in this new town. There will be so many people there to meet and girls aplenty to flirt with and date.
So enjoy that and let her go.
She has already!

[ilovcali]

Hey man, be happy that you're no longer near her. It's a blessing. I think being in a new place, a change of venue is the best way to recover from a break-up. If I could do that, I think I would.

Don't look back. Enjoy your new place, make new contacts, have fun. You no strings attached, so you can do what you like, and enjoy your life.

[s_cianci]

I think that she's ambivalent about her relationship with you. I don't know why but she seems to be sending you mixed signals which indicate that she's unsure of herself. I think that for right now you have to move on and be prepared for the possibility of losing her. Maybe eventually she'll make up her mind but it's really not fair to you in the meantime for you to be there for her 110% and not get the same from her in return. This has signs of being an unbalanced relationship, where you're putting far more into it than you're getting out of it. Not a healthy situation. I'd back off and make her start pulling some of the weight. Meanwhile get on with your life and meet and date others. The best way to get someone back is to be prepared to lose them and to live your life as if it doesn't matter.

[georgiapeach]

Dear Wonder1984

I found myself in something of a similar situation as you now find yourself. I hope that advice from a woman who has just turned 33 and has seen enough to offer advice will be helpful--it might put your mind at ease to know that I am a licensed Psychologist--NOT Psychiatrist (two different occupations).

Alright: Think of a person you want to influence about something of importance to you (we already know who this will be). Then, time yourself; maybe about four minutes, and on a space on a sheet of paper, organize what you want to say to this person. After that, recognize that you have a central issue that you a want to resolve, and then apply the three forces of the 80/20 rule: Content (the problem at hand); Outcome (the resolution); and third Process (the way you DEAL with the problem and develop an outcome regarding the issue).

Remember, it takes only one person to change an interaction--for the good or the bad. Focus on your partner's wants since she is the one who seems to have withdrawn in the past. Consider whether a continued relationship with you is something SHE wants, if she says no, or seems hesitant, ask her what it was, exactly, she felt was lacking in the relationship and work to resolve the issue from this position. Last but not least, your goals are: to resolve your own personal issues (sometimes we employ other people as our "glue" that holds us together, unfortunately, even glue loses its strength to "stick" around because it gets used up; next, focus on resolving the conflict with your significant other; and finally, facilitate a resolution.

Unfortunately the solution, from her perspective, may be to sever ties. If this is her firm resolve, the final step for you is: acceptance. And remember, WHAT you say to someone, HOW you say it, and also WHY must be factored in--do not use manipulation to try and control your partner. Make sure that you practice a communication style that employs an explorative listening style: called Search Talk in Interpersonal Psychology. Here is where you actively listen. Do not resort to "fight talk", or spite talk" or: Reactive Listening. She will only withdraw more. If you win her over, concessions will have to be made (one of you will need to be prepared to relocate), but it will be worth it... in the long run. My final question to you is: Are you two psychologically, emotionally, and financially prepared and willing to take this relationship to an adult level: one of long-term, even permanent, personal responsibility?

[missiesalter2008]

If I were in your situation I would simply ask this girl if she really did love you and c what she says because if she truly wants to be with you but you're long distance and she loves u, it won't matter. And I think you are lowering yourself to get her back and you should not. Maybe she is not the one. You are sad and hurt and we all know that but maybe if you are yourself as you say you are strong etc. that some girl will c that in u! But if the girl does not say she would do anything for you as I believe that is a part of loving someone then I say sorry... move on!