[msicmaker]

I have 2 boys - 16 and almost 14. Since the divorce in 1998 my sons have lived in both homes until 2004 when my oldest became so angry and
frustrated with the situation that he attempted to overdose on antibiotics. A clear scream for help. At that time Dad finally said he could
come and live at Mom's full time. He was a very angry young man because of the divorce and not getting along with Dad and stepmom. It didn't take very
long for him to totally change and become more at peace and (considering his age) ALMOST pleasant. LOL!

My youngest son still goes back and forth from house to house (every other month) and has a much closer relationship with Dad. There have always been
issues between the two families and it has always been very clear that Dad and Mom do not like each other at all. For a while they used it to manipulate
so that all had to be turned off. We never spoke about the other family.
Recently (July) my youngest called me on the phone and told me that his Dad was being an ^&^%^&&* and vented for a little while about how they were at a neighbors house and everyone was drinking. I asked him if he wanted me to come and get him but he really just wanted to vent. So I told him I would see him when he came home which was the next day.
He came home the next day and told me that he had seen his Dad making out with the neighbor (married) while the husband was asleep on the couch. To make this a little shorter: then stepmom left and Dad called and told youngest that what he did was wrong and that he was going to quit smoking and drinking. Dad never spoke to me about this. I reiterated to my son that what he saw was not OK and that he had to leave it to his dad to fix. That
cheating is not something I wanted him to believe was OK or anything for him to do in his life as it has caused so much pain to so many people.
He seemed to understand this and after the initial shock wore off he dropped the subject. During these first couple of weeks after the initial incident
Dad told both boys that he would not get involved in another relationship until they got out of school. He had married stepmom 3 months after our divorce.
Youngest went back to Dad's for the month of August. At which time he was left mostly alone as Dad works long hours into the late evening and stepmom is no longer there. (He had recently been getting in trouble at Dad's with two police incidents- he was only approached and talked to - not arrested.)
I was disturbed by how much time he spent alone and the fact that all this had happened with the neighbor and that if the husband found out my son
would be there in the middle and be a witness or involved in any violence. I called to check on him often. He was always alone. Then I found out that
Dad was still maintaining a friendship relationship with these neighbors and essentially sweeping the incident under the rug (the husband did not know).
At this time I started talking to my lawyer about getting my son out of that house. To me it seemed like a ticking time bomb and could blow up at any
second. So I asked him to please let me have Zach until things settled down. He told me I didn't know what I was talking about... he's more at peace and happier than he's ever been in his life. That there are NO problems at his house.
I filed a protective order with the court. Just yesterday I found out that the order has been signed by the judge. Dad cannot see the kids unsupervised.
This is no big deal for my oldest as he was on to Dad several years ago. Youngest now hates me and believes I want to ruin his life and his Dad's. His
Dad has embroiled him so deep in the middle of all of this and has told him about money issues and sex lives and waaaayy too many adult details. It is
my youngest belief that the only thing that matters to me is hurting his Dad. I have been completely unable to make him understand the danger. The motion states that it is unsafe due to: neglect, drug use, and the dangerous situation with the neighbors husband across the street. She now lives with Dad while her husband and children are across the street. Although she sneaks in and out. They both call and talk to my son and make arrangements to meet with him while he's in school and come over to my house after we go to work and he's getting ready for school to visit with him. The 2 adults are getting my son to disregard the law. Dad and girlfriend are making him believe that what they are doing is right and that mom and school are the bad guys here. Keep in mind that he has MUCH more freedom at Dad's than at Mom's.
I only wanted him out of a bad situation. I really never cared what Dad did.
Now he hates me. I can't get through to him and he's conspiring with them over the phone and in secret meetings to try to hurt me. Now he spends his time trying to make everyone in the house mad enough that we might say "FINE just go live at your Dad's"! He's become impossible to live with and hateful and hurtful to me, his brother, and stepdad.
Is there a way to get through to him? To make him see? He really is a smart kid and is normally very caring and empathetic to people. I love him very,
very much. Even though trying to keep him safe is hurting our whole family we are trying to stay strong and understand that he is just angry.
Your advice is greatly appreciated. I just want him to be able to see that I only did what I believe to be right and the safest thing for him.
But he just can't or won't see it.

Thank you!

[mysticque]

I already hate this dad. Very influential and thinks he's god and everyone should kiss his stupid arse. Some people are just like that hence ending with a very unhappy and unsatisfactory life. It's not your fault. I think I would talk to your youngest son what he hates about you. What he wants you to do so both of you can live through this mess. I know it was better to tell him that his father's actions were immoral. But let's not fire another cannon here. He's already confused and not sure which parent is fit to make him a better child. I'm not sure seeking professional help would help here unless he can agree if not don't even bother. To gain his trust you might have to show a lot of emotional distress and make him feel sorry. Show him how he has hurt you and your family. Also give him space of comfort to respond with you. Don't just feed him with all your rationality he's so troubled. Just do your other motherly care but be lenient.

[JoeCanada76]

I think it is very important that you keep your son protected from his dad, because it sounds like he is not much of a dad. What caused the break up between the two of you? Was it unfaithfulness? I am sure it must have been, if he is so opened about this. Sounds like the guy is more into sex and playing around then doing anything else. It is good that the judge signed that order. Yes, you have an angry son. At the same time you need to be strong and stern with him. Set guidance, and rules that need to be followed. Also remain open emotionally and be open with your son about how he might not know it now but you want the best for him. Some boys idolize or even have perfect pictures of their dad in their head. Whether it is true or not. Some boys do not wake up and see it for themselves until they are older that there is a reason for the limited visits and the supervised visits. Especially when sex, and cheating and drinking are done in the presence of your son. Not good at all.

[J_9]

Everyone has given great advice here, however I want to warn you about one piece of advice in particular.

To gain his trust you might have to show a lot of emotional distress and make him feel sorry. Show him how he has hurt you and your family. Also give him space of comfort to respond with you. Don't just feed him with all your rationality he's so troubled. Just do your other motherly care but be lenient.

This is VERY dangerous advice. If you show emotional distress it will make him believe that you are a weak person. Now is not the time to show weakness. Now is the time to show strength.

I would be careful being lenient also. This points to a mother with a lack of authority.

You are the mother and the main authority figure right now, you must remain strong since you are doing what is best for your son.

[JoeCanada76]

J9,

Spreading the love,

Well, it is very true that if you do not have rules, and guidance. If you become lenient it will just make the problem worse. You have to show that you are his mother, your taking care of him and he does need to know that you are the one in charge. You do need to be open and understanding but also make sure there are set bounderies that are not crossed.

[msicmaker]

Thanks for the responses. I just don't know how to get past his anger or his sneakiness. It is hard for me to keep him from his dad cause he so wants to be with his dad... whatever his reasons. He tells me I am ruining his life and I don't care about him because I don't care about what he wants. All he wants and needs is his Dad. He tells me I am a bad mother because I focused my life on my boys and working. I did not party, or do things for myself. At least his Dad has his own life. I was floored!
Anyway, I guess I really just needed to hear that I was doing the right thing and hear other people tell me they would do the same. Sometimes finding reassurance as a parent is the hardest thing. If only parenting came with a handbook with a troubleshooting section.

[JoeCanada76]

Like I said earlier. Some boys tend to idolize their fathers. A lot of boys tend to follow in their footsteps of their dad as well. I personally never want to follow mine. Now that I am older and realize all things. He will eventually figure out as well. Might be later in his life, but he is better off without the influence of his dad. At least your there to protect him from that. He might be fighting now. Later on when he has matured more. Hopefully he will realize you did help him,and keep him on the right path by protecting him from his father. He is not mature enough to understand this right now.

[2kool2]

I am 13 myself and zachs dad seems to not have his life together. As for your son, he's 13 and its just a phase and hell learn to accept the fact. I sudgest talking to his father and trying to make a compromise, every teen settles for compromises.

[mysticque]

well not sure what to say. But as far as I know hot + hot = fire. There is need of a balance between adults.

[msicmaker]

Well I found out on Friday that the judge signed the order and my son cannot have any contact with his father - unsupervised- until further order of the court. Now I have to tell him. I am worried but I know I have to tell him. I intend to tell him today.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to best tell him? He is going to be very angry.
How can I make him understand that the sneaking around has to stop?
Thanks for your advice.

[YeloDasy]

Well, you are looking out for your children, no matter what. Maybe he can see him supervised, so you are not keeping them apart, but let him know that the judge is concerned for his well being, not just you. Tell him the points about Dad that you really admire and want him to learn from Dad as well as the things that he is doing that is not okay with you or other people. Maybe go the route that if he sneaks around and hangs out with Dad, that Dad can get in very big trouble, and will not be able to see him at all eventually. Now is the time to role model lsitening to authority, cause this is the age they want to rebel...

Oh, and definitely counseling... he needs a place to vent and talk about how he is feeling and sort out his "stuff" inside of him. And his anger will prevent him to talking to you or Dad honestly. A trained counselor can work with him.

Reward him for all the good things he does, try not to punish unless necessary... he needs praise and attention, positive attention! That's just a suggestion...