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Nicolette13 · Apr 17, 2009, 02:29 PM

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a month. First things first, he is sweet, sensitive, and there for me when I physically need him (a ride to the airport, a change of a flat tire etc.) However, there is once concern that I have: money. Going out I would say he pays spends 70% of the time, I will pay sometimes for dinner, museum trips and such. There are a few instances that we have had that confuse me. Number one: we parked downtown one night and my boyfriend was SURE the parking was free on weekend. Turns out to not have been the case so I got a 80$ parking ticket. Granted it is $80, but my boyfriend promised to pay it since he admitted he made a mistake (I was driving fyi). Two weeks later and nothing. Finally today I realized I had lost the ticket and called him to ask if I can look it up online somehow. After he finds it online he takes me through the steps and says OK that's how you find it... Great, so... I say I am going to get right on paying the ticket and he says OK and that was that. I just don't understand if its me or if its not a big deal. He kept suggesting that he would pay iwhen it came down to it he never backed it up by any action on his part? This is just one example, but others include, him forgetting his wallet in the car so I get food, or he always forgets cash so I pay for parking and such. Not sure what his mentality is behind it all? :confused:

Justwantfair · Apr 17, 2009, 02:34 PM

So your boyfriend pays 70% of the time but you were left with an $80 ticket he agreed to pay, but hasn't coughed up for yet. Well the ticket is in your name, so personally I would get it paid. If it is really bothering you, then you need to sit down with him and talk about it.

If you can look at it inside of the whole picture and determine that it isn't that big of a deal then let it slide. It was very generous that he offered in the first place and unfortunate that he didn't follow through, but he apparently hasn't had the thought on his mind as much as it has been on yours.

taoplr · Apr 17, 2009, 03:16 PM

Everybody has areas of insecurity. One of his is about money. You are describing covert (probably unconscious) techniques for him to avoid spending money without resolving his anxiety.

Since your relationship is new:

1. Don't confront this issue too forcefully. You can address it at some point, and when you do, treat it with humor, gentleness, and playfulness. Let him see it for what it is without being shamed.
2. At the same time, you would be wise to set boundaries during this early phase of the relationship. Letting him know that it's not OK when you feel that way draws a healthy boundary. Just don't get angry about it.

His behavior is a bit sloppy, and irresponsible. Since he insisted that parking was OK in your narrative, and since he offered to pay, he should have been true to his word and responsible for his influence on that situation.

You are not being too picky, and it's up to you to figure out how you will manage this pattern.

Alty · Apr 17, 2009, 03:20 PM

Talk, talk, talk. You can't expect men to read minds any more then they can expect us to.

Maybe he forgot. If so, then you're driving yourself nuts over nothing, and it's hurting your relationship. Talk to him, if you can't, then move on because this won't last long without communication.

As for whether he should pay it. Well, you drove, in your car, it's up to you, as the driver, to know where you can park and how much it will cost. Just because he said it was free and was wrong, doesn't mean it's his responsibility.

Good luck.

Fuzzball_Kara · Apr 17, 2009, 04:08 PM

Okay, I really think you should ask him about it. If he can't afford it, maybe compromise 40/40 dollars. As for him paying about 70 %, I think that's a fair bit. It's always been a belief of mine that guys pay for most things but not all. I see a few girls always begging guys to spend everything on them. I don't really think guys are supposed to do that. They aren't made of money and it's fair. Me and my boyfriend go about 65/35. But I appreciate going dutch. You're in a relationship, and depending on how serious you are, you might have developed into partners. Paying for things really helps each other out and you can do more activities when your sharing finances on outings. That way if you get a two person discount, you save a lot and can appreciate each other better when you understand eachother's stand on money. So talk to him if it bothers you.

Bonnie46 · Apr 17, 2009, 05:35 PM

I agree with many of the responses above. He cannot read your mind and doesn't know YOUR expectations. You cannot read his mind, and you don't know HIS expectations. It could be that your boyfriend is simply cheap and stingy because that is exactly how he was raised by his parents... (they are cheap and use these tactics too - i.e.. - "forgetting" the wallet in the car)

*one of the replies above indicated that he's insecure about money. Maybe he was raised to totally refrain from spending a cent in ANY situation. Maybe he simply cannot afford to go out with you for and pay for food, movies, clubs, parking etc. etc. etc.

Cheap is cheap is cheap. It doesn't have to be a bad thing... but, if these situations make YOU FEEL uncomfortable you really need to TELL him. Please talk to him about YOUR expectations. You need to tell him that you expect or want him to pay for the $80 dollar ticket, or that you want him to treat you to dinner. He has very different ideals (rules / beliefs) about money than you do. All you can do is talk talk talk. Ask questions. Get inside his brain. Where is he coming from? Why does he think this should be like this, instead of like that?

I know you're not marrying him - you're simply dating each other, but ----- Did you know that most marriages fall apart due to a lack of communication about finances? No one ever talks about money. Try it out. You have nothing to lose.

Be gentle and calm and don't acuse him of being cheap. Ask him how he sees it from his side. Can you both arrange to do "free" dates together, such as a nice walk in the park with a home-made picnic? Talk, talk and talk some more.

Good luck and may your wonderful boyfriend become a millionaire who lavishes you with tons of free luxuries!! :)

N0help4u · Apr 17, 2009, 05:54 PM

I would say I agree mostly with taoplr here.
You need to ask him why he offered if he is not going to follow up on the offer.
My guesses are he offered because it sounded good, avoidance techniques, he is a procrastinator or some other less than good gualities.
If he doesn't pay up then when he wants to do things his way nicely remind him that you always seem to be the one who ends up paying for his mistakes so you feel more comfortable doing things your way.

liz28 · Apr 18, 2009, 05:59 AM

Okay you stated he pays for things 70% of the time which is good. It is okay for you to pick up the bill once in a while. In today's economy you have to be wise with your spending and you don't know type of money issue/s he is having.

I am pretty sure remembers offering to pay for ticket but maybe since you haven't said anything about his offer, he is keeping his month shut or maybe he doesn't have the money for it. Out of sight out of mind.

Now him leaving his wallet at home seems to be another issue. I don't know if he is doing it on purpose (because he doesn't want to pay or he doesn't have the money) but since you are aware of this maybe you should start giving him reminders to bring his wallet. Before the two of you go out just asked him "do you have your wallet?".

I don't think your boyfriend is stingy but I think you expect more from him. I don't even sure how he would react to your questions concerning his pockets but if the issue is weighting that much on your mind then yes talk it out with him but be careful how you word things. And know it is okay for the woman to pay sometime the guy doesn't always have to.

avi1 · May 15, 2009, 09:54 AM

Going dutch is for friends. I personally can't see myself marrying a guy and having kids for him if he doesn't at least have the intention of taking care of me financially.

The Dark09 · May 15, 2009, 10:02 AM

Yep

spitvenom · May 15, 2009, 10:10 AM

Originally Posted by avi1

going dutch is for friends. i personally can't see myself marrying a guy and having kids for him if he doesn't at least have the intention of taking care of me financially.

I never knew women had kids just for their guys. After the first year most serious couples will split the check on a date my wife and I did before we got married. The entire point of dating then marriage is to become one.

MsMewiththat · May 15, 2009, 10:14 AM

Originally Posted by avi1

going dutch is for friends. I personally can't see myself marrying a guy and having kids for him if he doesn't at least have the intention of taking care of me financially.

"for him"?? Whoaaaaaa

MsMewiththat · May 15, 2009, 10:21 AM

I just want to through it out there that you have only been dating for a month. I think it is unreasonable to expect for him to pay it. As you stated you were driving. So even though he said parking is free it is your responsibility as a driver to be sure. How after a month do you put yourself and your money on the line to just except whatever he says. I'm not saying to be reserved but use the grey matter. Also, I would say to paying 70% of the time, Men have it rough these days in terms of having to pay for the dates, they have just as many bills as we do. You may your find yourself a lone awhile if you take the stance from the beginning that they some how have to take care of you? I think when you are in the initial stages of getting to know each other it is fair and appreciated if we meet them half way. At least until they are a little more vested. First date, second date even... on them... make them work it out... but really don't hold on to having to be taken care of to strongly... it may get lonely and you may get labelled.

Survivor07 · May 15, 2009, 06:42 PM

As for the ticket, pay it yourself and tell him that you did, in case he was wondering. That's it. Let it drop. It's too early to assume anything about his character. That's what dating is for, getting to know each other.

Personally, I like to pay for myself. I appreciate it when a man pays for dinner, but the next time I'll pay.

That's just me. I take pride in being able to take care of myself and being independent.

Long term dating expenses should be shared. Men have bills to pay, too.

Survivor07 · May 15, 2009, 07:01 PM

Originally Posted by avi1

going dutch is for friends. i personally can't see myself marrying a guy and having kids for him if he doesn't at least have the intention of taking care of me financially.

Wow, bet they'll be lined up at your door.

A quality man wants an equal. If they want something to take care of, they'll get a dog.

talaniman · May 16, 2009, 03:33 PM

Maybe he was broke, and to ashamed to admit it.

Geez give him a break, and drop this. 70%? Your mad about your 30%??

You're the one cheap, and stingy... and lucky.

Romefalls19 · May 18, 2009, 09:07 AM

I'm still baffled over the comment about guys needing to pay for everything in order for a women to have a baby. I, for one, will never be knocking on your door.

When my fiancé and I were dating, sure I picked up the tab but once we became an official item, we both would split costs. I'd buy dinner, she buy the movie tickets or something along those lines.

Once you're dating, in a mature relationship, I feel things should go somewhere close, if not, 50/50

shazamataz · May 18, 2009, 10:28 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Once you're dating, in a mature relationship, I feel things should go somewhere close, if not, 50/50

My partner and I don't even do the 50/50 thing anymore.
All out money just goes together... we take out the bills and just do whatever we want with the rest... If I want to go shopping, fine. If he wants to go drinking with his mates, fine.

I know some people still have split incomes which is fine but the man definitely shouldn't have to pay for everything :confused:

dontknownuthin · May 18, 2009, 11:08 PM

I don't think he should have said he would pay it if he's not going to, but if you were driving you should not have expected him to. A ticket is not the same thing as picking up your dinner tab - it's really the responsibility of the driver, whether that's the man or the woman (even if he thought it was free - again, your responsibiity to make sure if you're driving).

As for him paying 70% of the time I think that's very generous. Times are tough, people have no money and women today are as capable of paying for things as the men are.

In any event, if you end up staying together long-term you will one day have to talk about money in detail - your attitudes about it, how you manage it, how you spend it, who pays for what and so on.

He may not be able to afford the ticket.