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jandtspencer · Apr 17, 2009, 07:01 AM

My husband and I recently got full custody of his two kids this year after a year long custody battle that cost us $3,000. During the custoday "battle" out lawyer uncovered heroine charges against the mom as well as shoplifting and numerous dwi's. The mom did not even show up for the final custody hearing and told the kids she "didn't have the gas to make it". Well, even after all that we still gave the kids the option to go to their grandmas every other weekend to visit if they wanted to - and keep in mind we have FULL custody and don't have to arrange ANY visits with ANYONE. However we had always gotten along with the grandma and know that the kids really adore her and she has really had no hand in what the mom was up to. On the other side, the mom is living with the grandma. Yeah, she has never had a home of her own, doesn't hold a job, has no vehicle and is pretty much a loser that mooches off people to get through life. So, back to my story, the kids would go to the grandmas and she(the grandma) was supposed to be supervising the visits(making sure they were not alone with mom and being manipulated by her, ect) then we found out that the grandpa was giving the kids a hard time if they had skipped a visit, found out the mom tried to overdose on pills and confided to her young children about trying to kill herself, the mom was bar hopping every weekend (even the weekends the kids were there, though you would think this being her only opportunity to see them she might try to stay home - I'm just saying... ) so my husband and I decided to stop the vists altogether. Now they have not seen their mom or her family in about 4 months. They have talked to their mom one time on the phone when it was the youngest one's birthday and they have talked to their aunt and cousin one time. Neither of the grandparents has called and the mom waited 2 months before she called. I just don't understand these people and how they operate. The kids tell me when their mom does call she laughs and acts like she's having a great time without them, like rubbing it in their face to make them feel bad and the oldest child doesn't want anything to do with their mom but she has mentioned wanting to see her grandma. How could I go about doing this? I don't trust them to go to their grandma's house because of mom being there and grandpa too and I don't really want to have to take them out somewhere and sit and wait while they visit ( but I would, I would do anything for these kids) and I don't want to see them hurt anymore, they have been through so much already. The youngest will not talk about her feelings at all and they are both well adjusted and happy with us. They have both voiced to me that they are glad they are not subjected to their mom's crazy ways anymore. They tell me she used to spank them over everything (and we do not believe in spanking), they tell me she played one against the other(favorites) and that she would sometimes make them eat crazy stuff if they made her mad ( like noodles with ketchup and gravy on them). Could someone please offer up any advice on this?! I want to do what's best for them in the end.

JudyKayTee · Apr 17, 2009, 07:17 AM

Go back to Court - you don't need an Attorney - ask for supervised visitation with all of the parties (a social worker can supervise. It does not have to be you), bring your proof and let the Court decide.

If you are withholding the children without an Order you could find yourself on the receiving end of a Court proceeding.

My only other comment is that there are two posts on this subject - both mention the cost of the Court proceeding.

An Attorney has been paid $3,000 to represent OP - why not just call the Attorney and ask?

alana1xxx · Apr 17, 2009, 07:33 AM

Hi there,

In my opinion this "mom" has serious issues she should not and does not deserve to be in any contact with these children, it is a toughie because it really isn't the grandparents fault but they should be on the mothers back to sort her act out if they really cared about seeing their grandchildren they should be understanding to the fact that you and your husband do not feel safe letting them go over to their house when "mom" is there it is up to them to give the children a safe environment to call into you have already done more than enough eben trying to keep them in contact so it should be their priority to bend over backward to do whatever they can to see them.

I wouldn't blame you for not wanting the kids anywhere near their mom as it doesn't take as genius to figure out she is not stable and therefore needs to get help for this if she genuienley tries to get her act together for the sake of her children then well and good but until then I wouldn't let them over there period.

Did you ever think of maybe getting together with the grandparents and their mom without the children being there and explaining your worries to them? this could be a good first move at least then you will all know where ye stand with each other and the lengths they are going to have to take for you and your husband to trust YOUR children will be okay with them.

As for the eldest child, I would say that he/she is well aware by now that what her mom has done in the past is just not acceptable where as the other children probably do not understand her "funny moods" just yet. I would let the eldest do whatever she feels she would like to do if she wants to see her grandma let her but under the circumstances I have said above she is a good one to tell you what is going on while they are there with the mom being there or not if she is giving the rest a hard time or not etc this is one way of keeping an eye on the situation for the younger children's sake but again I wouldn't do any of this until you are completely satisfied they are 100% safe over there.

I have to say you are a very brave woman this is not at all your responsibility technically but you have opened your arms to these children as if they were your own they are very lucky to have you looking out for them. :)

ScottGem · Apr 17, 2009, 07:36 AM

As I understand it your husband received full custody and the court ordered no visitation. So any visitation you allow is done on your own.

So I'm not really sure what your question is. Do the kids want to see their grandmother but not their mom or grandpa or what?

jandtspencer · Apr 17, 2009, 07:48 AM

Yes scottgem, the oldest wants to see grandma and to quote her "i don't give a rip about mom or grandpa" and the youngest just doesn't want to talk about anything at all.

artlady · Apr 17, 2009, 07:50 AM

I think the ideal solution is to pick up Grandma and have her come to your house.
Clearly,Grandma can't control her adult daughter and the kids should not be exposed to Mom at all, as she is clearly a bad influence.

ScottGem · Apr 17, 2009, 07:54 AM

Originally Posted by jandtspencer

yes scottgem, the oldest wants to see grandma and to quote her "i don't give a rip about mom or grandpa" and the youngest just doesn't want to talk about anything at all.

I agree with Artlady, then. Make arrangements for Grandma to come and visit a few times a year.

ScottGem · Apr 17, 2009, 08:46 AM

I've cleaned up this thread because it was going far afield. While the OP wasn't clear as to what question was being asked, subsequent posts made it clear that the issue was allowing the kids to see grandma without putting them in contact with the mom or grandpa.

I didn't see any consideration other than that. So the answer seems obvious as artlady and I stated.

As an aside to the OP, you cannot dictate who can respond to your posts or how. Once you post here, you open yourself up to comments from anyone who wishes to comment.

I believe there were misunderstandings here due partially to the vagueness of your initial post. I believe there were a lot of misunderstandings from both sides which is why I cleaned up the thread. I believe the best solution has been presented to you so there should be no need for further fighting.

alana1xxx · Apr 17, 2009, 08:55 AM

Is it as easy as getting the grandma to come to your house? I'm not sure id like that very much if it was me it would be nice for the children to have a day out of the house and go to grannies for tea or dinner you should be able to trust them 100% or not at all

this8384 · Apr 17, 2009, 08:57 AM

Originally Posted by alana1xxx

Is it as easy as getting the grandma to come to your house? im not sure id like that very much if it was me it would be nice for the children to have a day out of the house and go to grannies for tea or dinner you should be able to trust them 100% or not at all

The only problem with that scenario is that the drug addict mom lives with her mother/the grandma. That's why the best solution would probably be have the grandma come to the OP's house, or maybe they can all go somewhere together like the park, a mall, etc.

ScottGem · Apr 17, 2009, 08:58 AM

Originally Posted by alana1xxx

Is it as easy as getting the grandma to come to your house? im not sure id like that very much if it was me it would be nice for the children to have a day out of the house and go to grannies for tea or dinner you should be able to trust them 100% or not at all

I think its clear from the OP's posts that the problem is the mother and grandfather. And that, if the kids are allowed unsupervised vists with the grandmother, the mother and grandfather will be there and allowed to interact with them.

That's why the best solution is for the grandmother to come vist either at the children's home or in a neutral location.

alana1xxx · Apr 17, 2009, 09:28 AM

Originally Posted by this8384

The only problem with that scenario is that the drug addict mom lives with her mother/the grandma. That's why the best solution would probably be have the grandma come to the OP's house, or maybe they can all go somewhere together like the park, a mall, etc.

You I understand that but what I'm saying is if the grandma can't make her home secure enough for her grandchildren to come over then she obviously isn't making enough of an effort (I do realise she hasn't got entire control over her daughter but I'm sure they would listen to her) but I do agree somewhere like the park is a good idea anything other then having them stuck at home all the time

jandtspencer · Apr 17, 2009, 09:30 AM

Thanks scottgem. It's not as easy as black and white when you are in this kind of situation. Even though my husband and I have always gotten along with grandma there is still a lot of issues between all of us and "mom" is her daughter after all. Being around grandma will be uncomfortable to say the least after all the drama we have been through but maybe I can set up a visit at a park or something where I can sit off to the side and read but still be observing... from a distance. Like I said in the first post I just want to do what's best for the kids and being in the "stepparent" position I do not want them to look back and say that I kept them from seeing family that they missed(grandma). Thanks again to you and artlady, bye!

alana1xxx · Apr 17, 2009, 09:32 AM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

I think its clear from the OP's posts that the problem is the mother and grandfather. And that, if the kids are allowed unsupervised vists with the grandmother, the mother and grandfather will be there and allowed to interact with them.

That's why the best solution is for the grandmother to come vist either at the children's home or in a neutral location.

I do understand what your saying aswel scott but again shoulnt this be the grandma's part of the deal from what I gather the children would like to see both grandparents but the grandfather just needs to know its not acceptable to give them a hard time I don't think it's a good idea to have it unsupervised though, there should be someone there to keep an eye on them

ScottGem · Apr 17, 2009, 09:51 AM

Originally Posted by alana1xxx

I do understand what your saying aswel scott but again shoulnt this be the grandma's part of the deal from what I gather the children would like to see both grandparents but the grandfather just needs to know its not acceptable to give them a hard time I dont think its a good idea to have it unsupervised though, there should be someone there to keep an eye on them

While I do agree that grandma should be making the environment safe for visits, its more difficult since the other two live there. She can't say to the mom, especially with her drug use history, to just stay away while the kids are there. And no its only grandma that the kids want to see and then only the older one. The main point is that, if visits AT grandma's are allowed, the custodial parents have no control what happens while they are there. If grandma comes to a neutral place at least there is some control.

alana1xxx · Apr 17, 2009, 09:59 AM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

While I do agree that grandma should be making the environment safe for visits, its more difficult since the other two live there. She can't say to the mom, especially with her drug use history, to just stay away while the kids are there. And no its only grandma that the kids want to see and then only the older one. The main point is that, if visits AT grandma's are allowed, the custodial parents have no control what happens while they are there. If grandma comes to a neutral place at least there is some control.

Mmm yea I can see where your coming from I'm just afraid that grandma might be a little old and would be out of her way to come to meet with them either way there should be someone there at all times to watch over them its so upsetting that these stories are still out there in 2009! Aren't we all educated enough to know right from wrong or to care! Thanks Scott