[epi]

I am writing for two reasons:

Single mom raised son & daughter ,I worked two jobs so they could go to karate, dance, extra activities, school clothes etc. Dad saw children on holidays by choice.. child support 50.00 weekly for 16 years.. Dad has his own family and large corporation on books ,now that kids are 18 & 19. Son didn't want to finish high school so I told him he would then have to get a job and help support household or finish school... He didn't want to contribute to household so I told him he couldn't live at home. He went to his dads and hasn't spoken to me since... wont take my calls or call me. It has been 1 year since we talked. He talks to his sisters but not me. His dad gave him a job at his company and his own apartment , pays for both children's cell phone bills and they both have gas accounts for their cars. Gives them money for whatever they want. I recently injured myself at work and can no longer work 40 hours... things are tough but able to survive. Daughter is now in college and father bought her new laptop, printer , fridge ,clothes, microwave, meal plan.. gas account , cell phone,car.. I recently went to court to modify child support to continue while she is in college. The courts agreed to it.

I get a call from my daughter at college and she said her dad and her agreed that she should have half the child support weekly.. I told her it is for the roof over her head when she comes home.. I would agree to some but not all.She told me why should my father support you and feed you while I am at school, Go get a full time job and support yourself. I have never been so hurt in all my life. I can't believe she would say something like that to me. In anger I told her she can have all the child support and then when she comes home on some weekends she should go to her dads house.

Many times they would tell me not to eat the food that their dad bought for them.. this is all in the past two years since he started to see them at the age of 16. I don't know what happened or where I went wrong. It seems as though money is much more important then love. I can't take the eye rolling and the disrespectful comments anymore. I would appreciate any input.

Does this turn around? Do I give my daughter the child support? Do I wait for my son to contact me?


EPI

[Depressed in MO]

In my opinion, again, I totally fear this happening to me when my children grow up, although I get NO child support at all and I am raising three children.
I would say, that if he wants to give them the money directly, then as long as they are taking it and using it for their own survival, then you use the money you are currently making to survive on your own. I would check with your state about the rules and regulations of child support, but even though your 16 year old is out of school, as long as he is in your house, he is still a minor and there should be a certain age (like 18 or something) until his father is legally able to no longer pay child support. Look into that please. But if he is living with his father and working for his father, then again, I don't think there is much you can do-but to just take care of yourself. It sounds as though your children have been somewhat brainwashed by their father as far as how support and love is concerned. As long as you taught them about love and respect when they were growing up, this shall pass and eventually, hopefully, they will begin treating you with the respect that you deserve... once they realize all you have done for them. Just be the better parent and don't stoop their father's level. A lot of times, the non custodial parent will try to win their children's love with money-but in the end, that parent, too, will get disrespected and there will be no real love there to move forward with. Unfortunately, only time will tell.

[epi]

Thank you so much for your support. I hope that you never have to experience that with your children. I believe I felt guilty that they didn't have a dad living with them and over compensated in all ways. Some times you just need to hear someone else say it going to be OK.

Thank you so much.

[Depressed in MO]

Thank you so much for your support. I hope that you never have to experience that with your children. I believe I felt guilty that they didnt have a dad living with them and over compensated in all ways. Some times you just need to hear someone else say it going to be ok.

Thank you so much.

I can imagine how hard it must be for you, but I think this is a question that no one could ever really answer right or wrong. This is my opinion on the whole subject and I really feel for you. I think that it's hard for everyone in the whole situation not to be selfish at some point because of all the hurt and confusion everyone goes through. But love and respect in the long run can get you a lot further than any kind of money in the world.;)

[talaniman]

I commented on another post by you and the answer is the same. You've done your work and no one has a right to desrepect you. Its still your house an if Dad wants to finish raising these brats so be it. They will grow up one day and see the truth ,who put the time and effort into them so let 'em go for now and concentrate on your own happiness. You deserve it so let them bump around with dad. Hell tell him where to stick his child support and wash your hands of the whole wicked mess.

[JoeCanada76]

You have brought up your children properly. Your husband is giving them everything they need, now intern your children will always be dependent on somebody instead of taking care of themselves. Now that they chose to leave the house. It is up to them to live their own life and make their own decisions. As far as child support. Even when I was out of the house when I was 17, and even in my mid 20's my mom was still going after my father for child support and actually getting payments and I do not see a cent of it. Quite honestly I feel the same way. Why can my mother use it for herself. Even though I believe I am entitled to it? She is using his money for herself and my half sister. That does not make sense to me. If he is giving them money for everything and also supporting them. Honestly in my opinion you should not be receiving the money anymore. I do not know what the laws are. Personally though I am Canadian, my father is american but some how they were still getting the support from him.

Joe

[epi]

Thank you for your reply.

Joe,

Do you have children? Did your father pay child support while you were growing up? Just curious.

[JoeCanada76]

I have a little one on the way. My wife is getting induced on the 28th of this month.

Both my wife and I had our fathers leave when we were three years old. I would say the child support was off and on. Lots of chasing around I gather. At the same time I am old enough so any back payment in my opinion should go to me.

I pray to God. Both my wife and I went through life with non existent real fathers and we went through lots of crap. I know what it was like and my wife knows what it was like. I do not want to go through that with our children. Never.

At least your husband seemed like he made regular payments.

[mysticque]

I agree with Jesus. The mother is using the children to get a financial support from the father

[mysticque]

Technically the children are out of your custody. They are at legal age. To be honest both parents don't need to support either of them. They can survive on their own. I left my home at 18. Worked and school was part of my dedication. They may be your children but put yourself in their shoes. They would never think the same way you do. If the father wants to help and continue the support I think it would be at the kids discretion if they want to share them with you. It maybe harsh and cruel for you but that's how life goes. Unless you have raised your kids to be completely tender loving care then they shouldn't be acting like that regardless with your situation and neither brainwashing wouldn't do any good at that age either. Kids usually protect their mother first over the father.

[epi]

I am glad to get different opinions on this site. To make my question a little clearer here... 18 year old lives at school , comes home every other weekend, holidays and breaks... do they contribute to the house hold or let it go.. that is my point with child support. I am a single mom still raising another younger child , I want my child to learn responsibility not think she doesn't have to contribute at all... She wants for nothing and is going to be in for a rude awakening when school is out.

[JoeCanada76]

You have the right idea about raising children. You need to teach them responsibility and that nothing is handed to them on a silver platter. They do need to continue to contribute if they remain in the house full time. You do have a younger child make sure you instill these lessons in him/her and pray for the best outcome and that maybe all your children will learn this eventually.

Joe

[epi]

Joe,
I wish you and your wife the best. You sound like your going to be a wonderful dad and your child is going to be blessed with two wonderful parents. That was my dream.. I never wanted my child to come from a divorced home... it is a sad situation.. hopefully things will turn out OK.. Ill keep you updated.

Bless you
Thank you
Michelle

[JoeCanada76]

Thank you Michelle.

[mysticque]

I never been a parent. So I don't know about how to treat children that is out of your own control. As an adult I would see to it that they would also be responsible. If you really want your children to contribute tell them whenver they come home they pay for staying, including food and utilities. Or have them do house cleaning. I'm not sure if you are having financial difficulties due to your less hours of work. If that's the case I'm sure you can ask for supplemental aid from the government. They may have that in Mass. If you are not making enough and your expenses is higher than your income. Then I would totally inquire that to your local Social Service Department and ask for more information. Have you also tried getting disability compensation? And also are you getting a child support for the remaining underage? I really understand how you feel about the emotional and financial status coming together. I've been in the path where you also have to only eat once a day. But you just have to stay strong .

[epi]

Yes.. financially and emotionally it has been trying, staying strong though. Come from an Italian family so can make a meal out of anything. Kids get upset because they can't have McDonalds or take out... go figure. Would you pass on Lasagna or chix broccoli and ziti? I always tried to make it so dinner time was family time... then one started to take it to his or her room and I would be left eating alone... then when I would complain to them at least take your dish to the sink... got the eye roll and the door slam... I am starting to think the less you do for your children the more they appreciate what they have and who you are. After the advice I have gotten on here tonight... I have decided to give my daughter the whole amount of child support.. she can move to her dad's house on her trips home from college and when she is ready to respect me , then and only then will I work on a relationship. I would have never told my mother to not eat the food my father bought me... that is a comment Ill never get over.

[giggles]

Hi there,
It sounds to me like your children see you taking this child support as some sort of weakness. They look down on you for taking it, and put you down for it. Why?
Are they possibly ashamed that you are in a position where you HAVE to take it? Would they prefer their mother be proud and cope on her own? I suppose what I'm trying to say, is that there are double standards here. On one hand, you are asking that your kids earn their keep and understand that one doesn't get something for nothing... but you simultaneously accept money from their father, and the children are rarely (every other weekend is not often) there to reap the benefits of this.
Forgive my harshness, it's just the way I speak. You seem so angry, and so hurt. I totally understand your feelings - your children sound like they are in a very selfish, spoiled place right now. Maybe they are hurting too. I would say keep the door open to them. Don't be final in your emotional outbursts. Yes, by all means, give them rules about behaviour towards you. But don't ban them from darkening your threshold unless they are weighed down with apologies. You are setting big hurdles in your relationship this way. I don't mean that you should be a walkover either. Just less of the ultimatums and more of the reinforcing behaviour - don't isolate your children and cause them to feel they can never approach you. Remember, it's about all of you healing.
Is there anyone you can lean on for support? It sounds as if you are going through a really hard time. It would be good to have an outlet for your worries, and get a fresh perspective on things around you. It would give you more freedom to do things for yourself, and let your children see by your example that you have made better choices about earning one's keep and having independence. You have the power in your hands right now to teach them the one lesson that you keep preaching to them. If you think it's so important that they see they have to earn things, then it's time for you to live like this and let them be enlightened by how proud you really are. It's probably their teenage way of challenging you to convince them that maybe dad's way isn't so hot after all... worth thinking about eh? Teenagers want to believe in their parents.

[epi]

Do you have children?

[epi]

I was in therapy from the day my ex woke me up by throwing a glass of water in my face while I was sleeping! Kids don't come up with ideas that parents shouldn't eat their food and why should they contribute... that money is for them! He has never stopped putting stuff in their head.. now he does it with his money... he buys them... I never thought they would be that easily bought.I am angry and hurt... As a single parent I sacraficed most of my life to give them things... I am not sacrificing anymore. It came time for college and I got a used fridge.. practically brand new, 1 year old microwave... my daughter told me she will not be taking anything used... she only wants new. So her dad went out and bought her all new things... EVERYTHING NEW. She has no clue how much things cost.. how could she... he pays everything for her... I am sorry for sounding pissed off... but I am!

My daughter used to appreciate little things... now she expects big things and I can't give them...

[talaniman]

Sometime the best action to take is none. You've done a great job now back off and relax and let them put some of that raising to use and especially let dad be dad. We parents have to know when to let go and let the children go out and try the world. The bad news is you will always worry the good news is that bubble bath and facial is just waiting for you. Congratulations lady your life has been returned to you for a little bitt so enjoy it while you can because the next phase is just around the corner... GRANDCHILDREN!! Trust me grandchildren are no joke.